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Original poster

Advice im confused

41 replies

Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 13:03

Hello
I have been chatting to a guy I've known for years, only recently started talking before lockdown.
We became flirty he would come over for a cuppa and chat etc. We had a night out in earlier this year. Then lock down came and we didn't really see each other apart from a distance in the garden.
I would phone him once a week for a chat etc and we kept in touch.
Thing is he wanted sex and said we should just do it! I said I cant do casual as I might want more and get attached, and that we should give things a go propley which he agreed to.
Anyway I went along with it, slept with him as I really fancy him, and so attracted to him.
He then said he doesnt know what he wants Confused. I seem to do all the chasing and despite me saying I cant do casual I still slept with him lots of times. I spend most weekends at his and vice versa. He let's me hug him, we chat etc. He said I can see him when I want, and he never says no to me, yet doesn't want a relationshipConfused..he will never try it on and its me that intigates the intimacy.
How long is this expected to last as he knows I have feelings for him. Why hasn't he told me to go away xx.

OP posts:
IwishIhadaMargarita · 14/07/2020 14:30

He’s being clear he doesn’t want a relationship but if a man falls for you he will be willing to have a relationship with no problems. My friend was prepared to walk Away and he realised he wanted her more than he didn’t want a relationship. She never settled for 2nd best. Her way was if you want me you can have me but you have to be totally in, if not then bye! Read ‘he’s not that into you l’ your scenario is in there,

IwishIhadaMargarita · 14/07/2020 14:33

If it’s likely that him trying someone will hurt you then you need to end it now I’m afraid or you will get burned.

summersolstice43 · 14/07/2020 14:36

He let's me hug him

Sorry but the hugging thing should be mutual, don't feel special because he "lets" you hug him. He also "lets" you fuck him but he's not going to "let" you have a relationship with him. Run the other way, get yourself someone who cares for you and wants a relationship with you.

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 14:41

Summersolice43. He always tells me he's here for me as a shoulder to cry on too. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 14:50

Maybe I will just walk away. What's the point. I did tell him this before and yet still we sleep together! Maybe he just doesn't care. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 14:53

I dont think casual works long term. Sad he knows it as so do i x

OP posts:
summersolstice43 · 14/07/2020 14:56

@Littlelamb40 I can fully understand how confused you are, it seems he is wanting everything that goes with a relationship but without the commitment so he can always look elsewhere. You deserve much more than this.

titchy · 14/07/2020 15:02

@Littlelamb40

Maybe I will just walk away. What's the point. I did tell him this before and yet still we sleep together! Maybe he just doesn't care. X
Well he's told you what he wants, but despite that you still sleep with him. He's being honest at least.... if you don't want to be a fuck buddy, which is all you are, you will have to end it. And mean it. And stay off men for a while - you really need to build some self esteem.
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 15:15

@Titchy if I suggest he come round for a cuppa, he then diverts the conversation and starts texting back talking about the weather instead, avoids me . Then invites me over! I'm so so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 15:24

@Cuppaz he never tells me I look nice or anything and that's fine, but why would he sleep with me if he doesn't think I look nice? I'm always complementing him. X

OP posts:
InvisibleToEveryone · 14/07/2020 15:39

Look, I'm trying not to be mean here, he has told you no relationship, you need to listen to him, you are not listening to him.

Majority of men can do sex with no emotions, you obviously can't.
So walk away.

You are stressing about a non existent relationship, one he has clearly told you isnt going to exist.

He doesn't need to tell you you look nice because you're shagging him anyway!

Original poster
Littlelamb40 · 14/07/2020 15:46

@Invisibletoeveyone your right, if I walk away, I would hate to see him in a relationship with someone which could happen in a few weeks or months who knows. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. We only live a few streets away from each other.

OP posts:
titchy · 14/07/2020 16:00

For goodness sake nothings wrong with you at all. Less of the pity party. He just doesn't want a relationship. Plenty of people don't.

Hazelnutlatteplease · 14/07/2020 16:20

Tbh He's told you exactly where he is. You're not listening. He might be fond as anything of you, more than happy to sleep with you, but still not prepared to commit. Its nothing to do with you. Its just not what he wants.

You meanwhile say you want a commitment but are willing to sleep with him without it. You may want a committed relationship but you are not actually behaving like it matters to you.

Take some time to figure out what you want. Then make it count.

HalloumiSalad · 14/07/2020 16:42

He's obviously a nice enough person, happy to connect with your human side (shoulder to cry on etc)... And yet he doesn't want to commit to a relationship. I think you are confused because you think if he was using you and maliciously taking advantage he would be also behaving like an out and out bar steward. Which is very black and white thinking. He can knowingly allow you to enter a situation which you have told him isn't quite what you want or in your interests because it is what he wants and you are a grown woman who has gone into it with your eyes open (he's been up front), so his conscience is clear. Sometimes maybe he has twinges and declines coffee invitations, or just doesn't feel like the company and because he isn't your boyfriend he doesn't have to explain that. But in the end it's nice to see you so he does.
This isn't confusing you are just mistaking a shallow but pleasant relationship for a possible blossoming romance.

MrsBobDylan · 15/07/2020 09:33

If he wanted a relationship with you then you would be in a relationship with him.

It doesn't really matter what he say or does, it is as clear as that imo.

You are confused because you really like him, you allowed him to walk all over your needs and boundaries but he still hasn't rewarded you with a relationship.

He has used the vague notion of commitment to you are a carrot so you can have sex together. It will be hard, but walk away. You are worth much, much more than you think.

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