If you are an "older" mum was it by choice

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Friend of mine is pregnant. She had difficulty conceiving. She is 39 and considers herself an older mum. We were chatting and she said something like "it's obvious to everyone we have had fertility issues as no one would wait this late to start a family", which made me think is this the case for most people.

I assume women have been busy with their career or have only recently met their partner if they are older mothers.

I just had my first and 35 this year. I wasn't in a position to have children any younger as I only met my DP at 31 - none of the others would have made a good dad or husband. I'm happy I waited for my someone like DP to come into my life.

Met my partner when I was 32, had a miscarriage at 34, first child at 35 and two others at 37 and 38.

Meeting someone later was the biggest factor, although I was also a teacher so building my career was one too.

Ideally, I would have had children in my early thirties

I gave birth at 38. I suppose you’d call me an older mum? I was well into my 30s by the time I met my husband, and 37 when we got married, so that’s why I was late getting pregnant. Not everyone meets a partner early in life, it’s really not unusual to get pregnant around 40-ish. I know a few other women who also met their partners late and had babies late.

No. Fertility issues meant that DD didn't decide to arrive until just after our 19th wedding anniversary.

I never make assumptions about older parents because there are a variety of reasons why this happens:
Opportunity
Career
Infertility
Unplanned
Other

I wouldn't assume that it was owing to fertility problems, unless I knew that to be the case. I'd think most people have just chosen the time that works best for them.

Got married at 30, had a Mc at 32 and then DD at 33. Wanted a decent gap between DC and had DS at 37 ( if he hadn’t been very late I would have been 36)
I maybe wish I had had them a bit earlier, probably DD at 30 and DS at 33 but we wanted to get married and move house first

Been with my partner for ages but wasn't ready for children. Had a miscarriage at 32, another loss at 34 and gave birth to DS when I was 36. I would have preferred originally to have had my first at 32 and my second at 36, as we always wanted to, but in retrospect I'm glad we had the time together and enjoyed some really luxurious holidays and spontaneous breaks that we just wouldn't be able to do now

Always wanted two

Yes - I didn't meet my partner (and somebody who I actually wanted to have kids with until I was 36). I had my first at 40 and my second at 43. Both were conceived naturally with no fertility treatment. I would love to have another two but I'm 45 now and I don't want to risk my health by having anymore.

Yes, I had never wanted a child ... made it very clear to my DH before we got married ... we were very happily 'child free' for twelve years ... I wasn't particularly career driven, just enjoyed a full lifestyle that didn't include children, I had actually chosen to retrain in a different area at 40 & spent a year back in education. My DH was more driven to have a child than I, and I agreed to 'see what happened' and I got pregnant at 42. Many people were surprised as they had known how strong my feelings were about not having children ... very occasionally we meet 'new' people who may or may not think we were 'trying' for years ... no one ever comments though.

Does it matter if people make that assumption about her (especially as it happens to be correct in her case)? Does she feel embarrassed about it? Fertility problems affect lots of couples and are nothing to be ashamed of. I wish it was less of a taboo in our society.

I had mine at 39 and was annoyed that people assumed that I had left it that late on purpose probably for my career. Actually it had taken us 5 years to conceive so I don't think that people do assume fertility issues.

I honestly don’t think 39 year olds look 39 most of the time so I suspect no one will even click she’s an older mother unless she specifically tells them.

I was 37 when I had my first and I never felt particularly old at baby groups.

In London and surrounding areas, 39 is not deemed an older mother. I met DP at 24, but we still didn't have our daughter until I was 35 because we were focusing on careers and having fun. I suppose it does depend from area to area, it generally there's less of a timescale on things these days, so I wouldn't think having a first baby at 39 demonstrated fertility issues at all.

I don't assume anything about older mother's. There can be many reasons for it as others have already said, infertility being just one.

There are plenty of women who successfully have children well into their forties.

I literally don't give it any thought at all.

I had DS1 at 21 and DS2 at nearly 41, the most Ive heard people say is crikey that's an age gap

I'm also in London and so many of my friends had their first in their late 30s/early 40s. Some had fertility issues but the majority just weren't ready for kids any younger or hadn't met their partners.

I had my first at 31, split with his dad and now having my second at 40 (will be 41 when he/she is born. I didn’t meet new DP till I was 35 and we started trying when I was 39 but had 3 miscarriages. I think it will be fairly obvious to people who know our/ my situation why we are older parents this time around but they wouldn’t know about the miscarriages. I wouldn’t assume anything about an older mum’s situation or reasons.

I had my first at 32 and now having my 2nd (and 3rd!!) at 39. Had a coil in between and got pregnant first month of trying. I am conscious of my age this time but I don't really think anything of what people's ages are for having children. People who think people give it more than a fleeting thought are probably projecting.

Mothers, not mother's!! Stupid autocorrect. I do know how to use an apostrophe.

I had my second at 40 but he was a long time coming. We certainly didnt plan the age gap.

Most of the late 30s/40 plus mothers I know didnt meet their partners until they were well into their 30s.

Kind of. I'm in a same sex relationship so it wasn't going to happen by itself and needed a lot of careful planning (and money!)

I was one week away from being 37 when I had DD. I was classed as a 'geriatric' mother by the NHS (I think this term has been redacted now).

No fertility problems, I just happened to be ready, stable and settled enough to consider a child at 36.

I didn't even meet my husband until I was 34. First child at 36 and am pregnant with third now at 39. But there are lots of mums my age and older!