Feeling sad and need to talk this through

[Spaghettihoops1]

Not sure where is best to post this. I've name changed for it. Not really sure why, just feels right. Also sorry if it's long. Bit of a mind dump I guess.

I've got a 5 week old baby boy, first time mum. He's incredible. I'm so happy he's in my life. But I'm finding it really hard to let go of how much of my labour my husband missed.

Due to covid birthing partners aren't allowed in until established labour of 4cm. The midwife didn't examine me until I was 9cm. I think she dismissed me as a first time mum and assumed I wasn't as far as I was. I was induced so was in on my own from 9am through to 1.15am the next day when I was examined.

So by the time my husband arrived I was shattered and a bit not with it. I feel guilty he didn't get to enjoy any of the early labour with me and only saw me in a lot of pain. I think the whole process was quite traumatic for both of us - he as a big baby at 10lbs (resulted in forceps delivery in theatre.-very severe delivery with marks still on babys face 5 weeks later. Baby was also resuscitated and I know this has stayed with my husband.

The sadness over this comes in waves, and I feel slightly angry that I wasn't examined earlier (maybe I should have pushed harder to be examined but being my first I wasn't sure if I was far along or just rubbish with pain) and just sad at the whole covid situation which I know isnt anyone's fault but it's still a pile of steaming turd that has screwed so many people over.

I don't really know what I want from this post. Maybe advice on how I can help myself process it so I can stop feeling so sad and enjoy every minute with my little boy and husband. Do I just need to suck it up and get over it?

Hi. So I was induced pre Covid and I didn’t really have early labour as I went from 1cm to 9cm in the space of like an hour. They didn’t let men in the ward until 11am and my severe contractions (came straight in at that) started at 10.30. I was also brushed off that things couldn’t be moving that quick and in the end had to be rushed in a wheelchair to labour suite at noon. I think so many people glorify what a birthing experience should be. Yes it’s scary at the time, yes you wish something else could have happened but in reality the feeling does fade. You won’t forget it but it starts to feel less important.

Congratulations on your lovely new baby and I’m so sorry the birth didn’t go as you’d hoped

You absolutely don’t have to suck it up. You have to talk about the whole experience as much as you need to, you’ll find different thoughts, feelings and questions come up at different times. You need to let yourself feel sad it wasn’t what you’d hoped for, that’s okay, don’t feel you can’t express your emotions because your baby is healthy, you matter too and you went through a big ordeal. It’ll take some time to come to terms with the whole thing, you were on a hell of a rollercoaster and if you think back to when you got pregnant I bet you couldn’t have imagined giving birth in the middle of a pandemic in a million billion years!

Give yourself a break, having a baby is massive. Being alone in labour is shit. Feeling your care was crappy is horrible. A traumatic delivery and a baby who needed resuscitating is terrifying. You’re still healing, physically, mentally and emotionally. Talking about it is exactly the right thing to do

I think that you would find it beneficial to talk to someone professional about this. I don't know who though - a counsellor who specializes in birth trauma?

It's not your fault.

My hospital offers a birth after thoughts service where you can go through your notes and the series of events with a senior midwife. I don’t know if that sort of thing is running at the moment but it’s worth asking and seeing if you can get a call or a meeting when things return to a bit more normal.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I think youve made some really useful points. I have found myself talking about it to any friends who seem keen to listen, and it does help a little. Maybe I'll reach out to a counsellor who specialises in births. I'm worried if I don't try and process it properly it will come back to bite me.

I feel guilty he didn't get to enjoy any of the early labour with me and only saw me in a lot of pain.

I think you may have romanticised labour a bit. I doubt he would have enjoyed any part of your labour - he would always have been seeing his love in pain and not being able to do anything about this.

Your feelings are your feelings and you need to work through them.
It is really common to want to talk things through over and over to help. Labour is a kind of trauma and it does take a while to process everything that happened.
Talk to your husband -
Write it all down
If you feel strongly enough write a complaint.

I will also say that COVID has impacted so many things and I'm sorry your birth experience was one of them. I was induced for both of my babies, one they just didn't believe I was in actual labour until I nearly dropped her in the ward so I get your point.

It is completely understandable to feel as you do. You have had a traumatic birth and it might help to talk it through with a counsellor. Look on NHS choices to see if you can self refer or if not ask your GP what the options are.
Congratulations on your baby and I hope he is ok.

By the way counselling services are generally open although mostly by phone or video.

@fortheloveofcrisps I have not romanticised labour. Having been through it I am well aware it is not what the movies make out. Having the choice to have him there to rub my back and talk me through the pain is what I feel sad about.

I think you need to feel sad for yourself first

Oh I get that - you wanted and needed support and didn't have that, you should have been allowed that and I can't see why COVID-19 prevented that. It shouldn't have and I'm sure there will be a reckoning when this is all over.
I'm not trying to dismiss your trauma, really I'm not. You had a trough time and need to process that.
But if you read the sentence I highlighted again can you see how I thought you had an unrealistic view of what your labour would be. I think it was the 'enjoy my early labour with me' bit that made me think that.
Only a sadist would enjoy labour or enjoy seeing someone they love in pain.

I think labour is just such a big thing it takes quite a while, and a lot of talking, to process. My labour was not what I planned and I didn't feel directly upset about that but still ran through it a lot in my head and out loud for months, just to sort my head out I guess.

You feel what you feel but I hope your guilt starts to ebb away soon, as of course you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like you laboured amazingly and it's not your job to know how many cms dilated you are etc. You wanted your partner there and it's totally reasonable to feel sad that it wasn't all the shared experience you hoped for - but it's not your job to provide that for him and I'm sure he would never expect that or want you to feel bad. You did your bit and pushed the baby out - that's more than enough responsibility for one day!

My DP couldn’t come to DC2s birth at all due to our childcare of DC1 falling through. So I laboured alone. I know it hurt him quite a bit but we had to be pragmatic and I needed to know DC1 was safe as I was so anxious throughout my second pregnancy due to previous miscarriages.

So I think in time you will come to terms with it. If it helps most women’s labours don’t go as planned even if their partner is with them. There’s often a huge amount of regret afterwards.

Hi OP- Congratulations on your beautiful baby! I am so sorry to hear that your birth experience was very difficult- I can't even imagine having to do all that without your partner for most of it. As others have said it might help you to talk through your experience with a professional. I would perhaps begin by booking a birth reflections appointment through your post-natal unit at the hospital- I believe lots of hospitals offer these as standard for any woman up to 1 or maybe even 2 years after their labour. They will have your notes and you can ask questions about why certain decisions were made, discuss how you felt about the labour and your care etc. If after this you still feel this overwhelming sense of sadness and anger (which in my mind is 100% justifiable) then as others have said- speak to your GP/Health visitor about a referral for counselling. Some areas have self-referral counselling services and others you need referral by a professional.
It might also help you to write down your feelings around your care during labour and send it to your hospital's PALs service- their email address and number is usually found easily on a hospital's website. They will share your email/letter with the relevant department and give you a response.

What's important to do is keep talking about your feelings around this and be kind to yourself- as others have said, all of the things you have referred to were out of your control and all you could do is put trust in the professionals around you at the time.

@Spaghettihoops1
You probably have a bit of PTSD. You have suffered a trauma [being alone] in birth when you needed someone familiar to be there. And, your poor hubby is probably experiencing it too, not being there with you in your hour of need and of course your baby being born. He probably felt powerless too. You both should talk about it between yourselves and acknowledge the trauma you have both suffered.

Hey OP, congratulations on your new baby. I'm sorry that you feel a bit robbed of how your birth should have been. I think it's more common than people generally realise, for new mothers to feel this way.

I was induced, and ending up having a crap time, then forceps etc. like you did. I didn't go to the birth afterthoughts service until 4 years later, but I'm glad I did. It really helped me. I hope you are able to find something that helps you too.

@justanotherneighinparadise

My DP couldn’t come to DC2s birth at all due to our childcare of DC1 falling through. So I laboured alone. I know it hurt him quite a bit but we had to be pragmatic and I needed to know DC1 was safe as I was so anxious throughout my second pregnancy due to previous miscarriages.

So I think in time you will come to terms with it. If it helps most women’s labours don’t go as planned even if their partner is with them. There’s often a huge amount of regret afterwards.

Never a truer word said re the last sentence here. That’s what I was trying to convey with my post. I didn’t even go into all the issues I had in the 2 hours in labour ward and how scared we were there. A lot of labours don’t go to plan and yes you will be scarred by it for a while but as the days go on you will learn that it’s more important that you both know you have a healthy baby now and that you are healthy. I found a mindfulness course somewhere that helped. I’ll see if I can find the link. Counselling as others have said may help. Also speaking to your partner about how you feel. I’m at the 8 months point now and can talk about the horrors of my labour factually and without emotion because I’ve learned to think past it and think about what the goal was, having my lovely daughter! It can be done.. it will just take some time.

I was really upset after my ds was born, told i wasn't in labour and then he just arrived in a rush and then was taken to NICU, several weeks later when it was still bothering me my HV contacted a birth reflections midwife who came and went trough my notes, it really helped come to terms with it all.

@Spaghettihoops1 congratulations on your lovely baby

I had a very straightforward labour and birth with my first baby, but the shit parts still played in my mind like a video for a month or so afterwards. So don't be too hard on yourself- such good advice on here to let yourself feel what you need to and recognise that you are absolutely entitled to whatever those feelings are. Sorry you are feeling sad about it- you've gone through a huge experience, please don't belittle how you feel. There aren't very many women who haven't had a mix of emotions after having a baby, let alone in such strange times. Sending lots of kind vibes and necessary and .

Sorry @fortheloveofcrisps I get what you mean now. So easy to say something or read something on here wrongly, by enjoy labour I just mean experience it with me.

Thanks everyone. I am unsure if I could talk it through at the hospital, I feel like I would just cry through the whole thing I feel so emotional about it.

it's such a strange thing to process because I feel so incredibly grateful to some of the midwives too. I was in for 4 nights post birth as baby got an infection. In fact I never found out what it was as they mislabeled his blood test so didn't get the results. The midwives were mostly amazing during these 4 days. Some of them just knew when I needed that bit of extra support and were so kind and caring. I found it hard to remember a lot of this time as I was lacking sleep as no partner there to help care for my little boy.

I am going to talk to my gp about it when my son has his 8 week jabs in a few weeks. I could self refer locally as I've used this before a good few years back for anxiety but I'm not sure if they will have someone who is suitable for birth specific discussions.

Time is a good healer too, I know that so I will try to be kind to myself.

Thank you all

My husband missed my birth of of second completely I was in hospital waters broke 20 min later son was born he was dressed and in my arms by the time he got there he WaS born on the ward things went that fast . Enjoy your baby the main thing is you and he are ok . congratulations to you both .

@GreyishDays

I think you need to feel sad for yourself first

This ^^

I think one of the best things we can do when we've experienced trauma is to feel the emotions it creates. I would take some time out to indulge that sadness. Make yourself a cup of tea, cuddle up somewhere cozy and really feel sorry for yourself about not getting the experience that you wanted. Say it out loud. Cry. Let it all out until you feel able to get up and get on with the day and do this as often as you need to until you no longer do.

This all feels so raw right now but as time goes on it will fade in importance to you. Be kind to yourself. 💐

Congratulations on your baby boy OP!
I really take issue with some of the education around birth as going by myself and most of my friends/acquaintances I feel like the labour story spectrum is very far and wide - very few people have the ideal birth.
I ended up with an emergency section with my DC and in the weeks post-birth I just used to cry every time I was in the shower. My DC is 3 now and I still have a bit of disappointment and feel quite emotional thinking of how things were going so well initially and ended up going wrong at the last minute - but that's my story just like everyone else has theirs. Time is definitely a healer, and it's important not to feel like you can't speak about your experience or that you should be coping ok by now - it's all still very new to you. Hope you manage to speak to someone about it sooner than later and in the mean time enjoy every second of your little baby !

Mine wasn't anywhere near as traumatic as yours. I cried on and off about it and cried badly on her first birthday. But after that, I seemed to put it behind me. Never cried about it again, very rarely think about it now (shes 10). I think it takes a long time to process but having a child is so lovely and so time consuming the memory does eventually fade.
Enjoy your snuggles.

Mine wasn't anywhere near as traumatic as yours. I cried on and off about it and cried badly on her first birthday. But after that, I seemed to put it behind me. Never cried about it again, very rarely think about it now (shes 10). I think it takes a long time to process but having a child is so lovely and so time consuming the memory does eventually fade.
Enjoy your snuggles.