Feeling sad and need to talk this through

[Spaghettihoops1]

Not sure where is best to post this. I've name changed for it. Not really sure why, just feels right. Also sorry if it's long. Bit of a mind dump I guess.

I've got a 5 week old baby boy, first time mum. He's incredible. I'm so happy he's in my life. But I'm finding it really hard to let go of how much of my labour my husband missed.

Due to covid birthing partners aren't allowed in until established labour of 4cm. The midwife didn't examine me until I was 9cm. I think she dismissed me as a first time mum and assumed I wasn't as far as I was. I was induced so was in on my own from 9am through to 1.15am the next day when I was examined.

So by the time my husband arrived I was shattered and a bit not with it. I feel guilty he didn't get to enjoy any of the early labour with me and only saw me in a lot of pain. I think the whole process was quite traumatic for both of us - he as a big baby at 10lbs (resulted in forceps delivery in theatre.-very severe delivery with marks still on babys face 5 weeks later. Baby was also resuscitated and I know this has stayed with my husband.

The sadness over this comes in waves, and I feel slightly angry that I wasn't examined earlier (maybe I should have pushed harder to be examined but being my first I wasn't sure if I was far along or just rubbish with pain) and just sad at the whole covid situation which I know isnt anyone's fault but it's still a pile of steaming turd that has screwed so many people over.

I don't really know what I want from this post. Maybe advice on how I can help myself process it so I can stop feeling so sad and enjoy every minute with my little boy and husband. Do I just need to suck it up and get over it?

Good idea to mention to GP. Does sound like PTSD which is not unusual after a traumatic birth.
Emotional, hormones, exhaustion makes things harder to deal with but help can be got hopefully your GP can get it for you.
Hope you are getting nice healthy meals too amazing how much they help.
Your emotions are right for you, people do not feel the same way about similar situations.
Another could be delighted to be left alone without husband fussing or worrying neither is wrong or worse.
Just do what is best for you now makes you feel better and able to enjoy your baby. you can contact GP before the 8 weeks.

Talking is good, helps to process your feelings.

My oh missed everything, he was away at the time and my DC came early, we never had a second one either.

I agree that labour doesn't often happen the way u plan and I remember a midwife saying at the time, don't worry that oh missed it all, it matters more that he is around for the next 18 years. Trite but so true.

Enjoy your new baby, they grow up so quickly

I'm so sorry OP, so sad for you. I had my DC pre Covid and I remember my husband going to get something and feeling panicky that he would be at least 10 minutes and I would have contractions without him. For you to be alone and in pain all that time sounds horrid and it seems so wrong to me you weren't checked. Most hospitals offer a birth reflections service where you can discuss your birth, might be a good idea. Do try to enjoy this very precious time because they grow up so quickly Xxx

My dc have always loved hearing their birth stories, there is drama, humour and love. They're 18 and 14 now and they have heard their stories many times. If you make your little boy laugh with his story and lots of eye rolling about daddy not being allowed in due to the pandemic you can turn it into a positive.

Congratulations!

Pre Covid but I had a bit of a traumatic time with midwives (not the birth itself) including them refusing to believe I was in active labour then examining and finding I was 10cm. I made a complaint via PALS who took it seriously and talking it through with the senior midwife was really helpful.

It sounds a very hard birth, and it’s all so hard anyway, talk to people, get some help, you’ll all be good in the end.

Hi op, I had a difficult birth too, my (wonderful) dh was not there for the first 10 hours of labour, I only saw him on delivery and I ended up being rushed for an emcs.

It was a very long way from the birth I hoped for. I felt quite traumatised afterwards for several months, I relived it over and over in.my mind. I can't fault the midwives or the medical team, they gave me the best birth I could possibly have had in difficult circumstances, and I'm very grateful to them.

DS is 6 months now and I feel a lot better about it all. I think hormones after birth don't help, and it takes time to get over trauma. Labour and birth can be very tough.

Be kind to yourself and keep talking to your DH and friends. Walking and talking is good if you're up to it. You will make peace with it in time, and it will become less significant in your mind.

Hello. I had my second child during the week that covid peaked and my baby was premature. My husband was not allowed in at all. So I went to hospital and he wasn't allowed in. I had to make many decisions about what's meds to have and how to proceed without my husband as they needed quick decisions. I opted for an emergency C section that same day as I was having contractions and the baby's heart rate kept dropping. I had the stress of sitting there watching the heart rate drop all the time all by myself. They allowed DH to see me just before I went into surgery and he wasn't allowed in I had to go through it all myself and DH didn't see his baby being born at all. Afterwards they baby was taken away immediately to special care and I didn't get to hold my baby. I had my first prematurely too so I have never had the experience of holding my baby straight after birth. They allowed DH to see me after and then we went to see our baby together, me wheeled up in the bed as I was still numb and look at my baby in an incubator.

What a total crap situation for us all. Don't be too hard on yourself, childbirth really is traumatic especially for your first. I honestly believe it's normal. Accept help from anyone offering and be kind to yourself. You will get through this. I understand it's a shock. I went back afterwards to discuss what happened after my first as I also really struggled with it. Stay strong and throw yourself into being a mummy and enjoy all the baby cuddles. Forget the house being clean, just hold your baby and bond with your baby. All the best. X

So sorry you went through this and feel this way,
I would also recommend counselling for birth trauma. It is very helpful.

Through very different circumstances I gave birth without my children’s father present and had an incredibly fast and traumatic Labour (established labour recorded as only five minutes ) and I genuinely thought myself or more importantly they would not make it. We did thankfully but i a still haunted by some aspects of it. My GP was wonderful and him and my HV helped me with a referral for Birth trauma counselling which helped tremendously. Most of all it helped me find a safe space and opportunity to focus just on those few moments and how they affected me.
It might always affect you but counselling will help frame it and provide techniques to cope with it. As well as affirmation for the incredible thing you did which was bring a baby into the world.

Congratulations on the birth of your son

Hi OP,

Another covid birth here and I was alone until I was pushing aside from 2 awful walks around outside 'to get things moving' where embarrassingly we bumped into colleagues mid contractions! I didn't have a great time with my first so I had put a lot of thought into it and planned the birth I wanted this time around.

However like PP I have reconciled that not many people get the births they wanted, in fact none of my friends have. There's always drama involved and it does make for a good story later on.

The most important part is your lovely baby and as time goes by you barely think about it. I was offered an elective caesarean antenatally because of my first birth so when it comes to the 2nd baby they do acknowledge how the first time went. I think a debrief might be a good idea which you can request. The fact he was resuscitated may also be contributing to your feelings. They were expecting to resuscitate DC1 but thankfully she came out screaming and when I think of that it chills me. Congrats on your baby and you have so much to look forward to and enjoy this first year

Your birth happened to me but outside of covid. The trauma is real. Ring your health visitor and ask for the details of a counselling service who specialise in traumatic births. Talking through will help you to process it and find ways to manage it.