If you had the option, would you wait till your DC was 3 before sending to nursery?

[LadyPrigsbottom]

Excuse the long title!

My DC is 2 and a half. We also have a 5yo DC1, who is at school. We planned for DC2 to start nursery in September, when I was going to start looking for work.

A few things have made me have second thoughts:

1. the nursery we were planning to use is also the one DC1 attended. Although it was good and DC1 loved it there, I am not totally in love with it for a few, I think quite rational, reasons. I have been looking at other nurseries in the area, but none are quite right.

2. I struggled to find a job before CV had ruined everything. I have a degree from a good university and bits and pieces of experience, (mainly admin). But I was struggling before I felt pregnant with dc2 and that was when the job market was less competitive.

3. if we wait till DC2 is 3, we could potentially get a place at the preschool attached to DC1's primary. I think this would be nice for them both and DC2 would be able to settle there and hopefully stay there for primary*.

But then, I've been dying to get back to work and you never know if I might get lucky and I have no idea what the hell DC2 and I will be able to do together in September if not nursery, as all the groups, soft plays, swimming pools etc are off limits and even if not totally off limits by then, like everything else, let's face it, it's going to be weird isn't it? Or is it just me who thinks that? Aaaanyway, on the other hand, it's only a few (seven to be precise) months.

One other consideration is that if we book in to nursery and then there's another lockdown or whatever, we'll be out a lot of money.

*We have no reason to think DC2 wouldn't get a place at the primary. However, as they are an academy with slightly different criteria, so there is a chance DC2 wouldn't go to primary there, but we certainly hope so!

@Tfoot75

We sent both dds to a pre school type nursery for 2 morning sessions for the 6-12 months before they started at school nursery in the funded places. I think this really helped them both, as they did struggle with the separation, which seemed to occasionally come back to haunt them at the first nursery, but once they started the school nursery, it was a fresh start and separation was a distant memory iyswim. I'd be worried that if school was the first place to separate from the parent, they might remember that feeling and associate it with school. This is a just a vague feeling though really, you might not feel it a factor if your eldest settled at school with no issue.

I absolutely hadn't thought of this! Thank you, that is something I absolutely wouldn't have considered.

Oh sorry and, while I would probably prefer to work than to SAH for a further seven months after September, it would be nice in some ways too. I have been not working...or hang on, I did do some evenings in hospitality, but I've been out of proper weekday type work for almost six years now, so in a way seven months is a drop in the ocean.

I genuinely cannot believe I got the dire "what if your husband leave you for the secretary? Iiiiiii would neeeeever be financially dependent on anyone else. I couldn't sleeeep at night knowing I was a SAHM " stock responses because I was talking about pushing back my job hunt by a few months, until my 2 and a half year old is the ripe old age of THREE . Ugh, people sometimes 🙄🖕.

Again, sorry

...because I was talking about pushing back my job hunt by a few months, until my 2 and a half year old is the ripe old age of THREE

...in the middle of a pandemic. Pfft 🙄🖕

Life passes fast and these boards are riddled with women so full of regret that they didn’t build or maintain a career.

But I bet there's a lot more full of regret that they didn't spend more time with their children when they were younger. If you don't need to put your child in nursery before 3, keep them with you.

I mean re that quote "...regret that they never built or maintained a career..." yes, tbh, I think I would actually, personally, if I never ever went back to work. Because I did get a lot of satisfaction from working. But I'm talking about a toddler. Only one of my dcs is in primary and that's only Yr R. I'm not planning to push back my job search till they're 25.

And I would have no objection to sending dc2 at this age EXCEPT for the very specific times we are living in, the quality of the nursery and the fact that i believe starting a job hunt right now or in September would be fruitless for a long while.

That is not the same as not building or maintaining a career .

Even if I was the "iiiiii neeeeever would have made that choice you big fool" comments from people who, presumed, have never been SAHMs, would be super unhelpful.

Presumably*

Bloody autocorrect!

If you’re not comfortable with the nursery, would you consider a childminder? More personal, I believe usually cheaper and you could do eg two half days a week whilst you get your job hunt underway. Might be a middle ground?

Different situation, but I would have liked to have avoided nursery for longer, I’m a lone parent so I could only afford six months until he started nursery, to slowly build up his days I had to still pay for a four day week which was tough.

He was two when he started nursery and for us it was too soon, but financially there wasn’t another option as I had already gone six months with essentially no income.

Thanks @Goostacean, that is an idea. I did go to see a childminder a couple of years ago, who I was thinking of using for the dcs and she was amazing. I might give her a text, although not sure if she'll be working...

@LadyPrigsbottom

I totally get where you are coming from. Being in a new job is not the time to be juggling homeschooling/ home working, kids home due to contacts, you Self Isolating due to contacts etc. It's not like DH can take the strain if you are all forced to self isolate.

Better to have a somewhat longer gap than a failed job to explain. I can't see this autumn totally avoiding disruption...

Last Autumn/Winter I had about 3 weeks where both DC were fit to attend all of their scheduled school/ childcare sessions what with vomiting bugs, random temperatures and Chicken Pox all brought home from the older DC in reception!

My original plan had me looking seriously for a job from August/ September (having relocated). I'm now planning to get through to October and if things look ok, go childcare hunting for DC2, try to line up wrap around for DC1 and really step up job hunting/ set up some careers counselling for me by then!

Wait till 3.
The swimming pools are reopening end of July btw.
Sept is a lovely time to go to parks when your toddler is out of toddlerhood, I would just enjoy this time before you are tied to school hours fullstop.

We chose a childminder from 13-36 months and then nursery for two years before Primary 1 (Scotland).

I think it depends on your own circumstances and the child.

With DD I dreaded the autumn/winter months. Long days with nothing to do as it was too cold and wet, even with decent clothing, to be outdoors for too long. She hated soft play and was too old for playgroups in our area so it was a looooong day if she hadn't been in nursery for some of the days.

She also loved the interaction with other children at her nursery days, even playing alongside, there was something about being with peers.

Until they are verbal, able to understand you are coming back for them. Yep.

'socialisation' before three also nonsense.

Do you have any longer term plan, say where you want to be in 10 years time? Because I don't think it's a great time to job hunt after 6 years out right now, but it might be worth starting training if you were dreaming of being an accountant or something.

I wouldn't compromise on nursery tho. I have never been one to gush over how amazing our nursery was but I was certain dc were safe there. That's non negotiable! If you can't find somewhere that you're sure dc will still be there at pickup then stay home.

And for anecdata our house is super equal and no-one is doing any housework at all. Several rooms you can barely see carpet. Smashing the patriarchy with clutter

And for anecdata our house is super equal and no-one is doing any housework at all. Several rooms you can barely see carpet. Smashing the patriarchy with clutter

Nice! Fight the establishment and don't do housework .

DH is great FWIW and Christ knows I'm no domestic godess. But purely because he's working and I'm not, I obviously end up doing more because I'm here to do it.

@randomsabreuse, yeah, that's similar again.

Better to have a somewhat longer gap than a failed job to explain. I can't see this autumn totally avoiding disruption...

True^^!

Thanks everyone for comments. I am about 75% sure I'm going to just forget the job hunt for now.

I would like to think of training and I think that it will be less about following a particular dream now and more about what is feasible.

I would definitely send them to Nursey I think 2.5 is quite old and it is harder for kids to settle the longer you leave it. I would view the nursery again and see how you feel after that. My DS was 13 months when he started nursery he did cry at the start but he did settled after a few weeks and he loved it.

It’s not a good situation when you’re out of work at the beginning of a pandemic. At that point it’s very difficult to get into work and arrange childcare under those circumstances. You’re kind of stuck where you are for the duration. It’s not helpful when people say “well you should have had the good sense to be in work when this all started”. Generally it wasn’t the person’s choice to be out of work at that point. That’s like saying to a cancer patient who can’t get treatment because of Covid “well you should have had the good sense to be healthy when this all started”.

It may surprise some people to learn this, but being out of work isn’t necessarily due to failure or lack of effort. Many people work hard, study and sacrifice, but for whatever reason the stars don’t line up career-wise. Maybe they were made redundant, or the sector they work in suffered budget cuts, or their employer went bankrupt, or they suffered physical or mental health issues. Maybe for whatever reason they have to live in an area with few jobs. Maybe they were due to start a new job but a global pandemic put a stop to it. Many people are in difficult situations right now for a variety of reasons, and pretty much without exception they did not want or choose to be in that situation.

This whole pandemic is quite frankly shit. So much has been taken away from us. We all had plans, things we should be doing this year, that are no longer possible no matter how much we want it or how hard we try. None of us wanted to be here but here we are. Personally I have just had to accept that what I had planned for myself and my DC this year is no longer possible or even sensible under the circumstances. You have to roll with the punches.

Well said @Davodia.

I would also say that most people who like to punch down at those who have a less successful career than they do, should be less smug and cocksure. No, you didn't get there all by yourself. You had some luck, some privilege and also hard work. Only rampant right wingers fail to understand this simple concept.

"Feminists", who believe they are fighting the food fight by being As Good As Men At A Men's Game, while shitting on the women below them - that isn't feminism mate.

Also, notice how quickly rainy went from faux concern about me 🙄, to recriminations when I didn't bow down and grovel thanks for her dubious condescension.

Anyway, thanks everyone else. This has been a strange thread for me, but mainly very useful.

*good fight, not food fight .