Was anyone else in an abusive teenage relationship?

[CustardCreamAppreciationClub]

I was, but I don't think I could ever tell anyone about it in real life, because I don't think they'd believe teenage boys could be capable of abuse that is usually associated with adult couples.

We started going out when I was 13 and he was 16. Within weeks I had lost my virginity (just before my 14th birthday)

We were together until I was 18,and I feel that he totally stole my teenage years, and even as a happily married adult woman, his treatment of me and my experiences have shadowed my life

But then again I think to myself, he was practically a child, I'm over exaggerating, it was my fault too for not standing up to him more?

I just don't know how to feel about it.

Some of the things he did included: calling me a whore, saying he'd dump me if I gained weight, being incredibly nasty about my family, friends, hobbies and interests (calling my dad a fat wanker when he wouldn't give us a lift somewhere, calling my friends sluts and saying I shouldn't be around them or I'd be a slut too) forcing me to do sex stuff when he knew I didn't want to, for example making me do anal in a public place, forcing me to give him a blow job in front of his friends, saying he'd kill me if I left him, not using protection, "jokingly" punching me on the arm to see if I bruised, telling me he'd meet me at 12 at X place, and not showing up or being an hour late even though it was 5 minutes from his house, texting me non stop saying I was a cheating whore when I was out with friends, put enormous pressure on me to move in with him and get engaged/married the minute I turned 16, when it was unheard of in our group and social circle. Tried to stop me applying to university.

I feel like I brought a lot of this on myself, as I had been bullied and was desperate for a boyfriend. A woman in work has four teenage sons, and is always making comments about how teen girls are bitches and users, and how soft her sons are, lots of stories of how they're gentlemen who spoil these little hussies and get their hearts broken. I actually find it increasingly difficult to listen to, because my ex's mum had a similar attitude, and thought I was"too streetwise and mature for my age" (was still playing with polly pockets at age 12 and wasn't allowed to even watch Grange hill but whatever) but my ex hit her and called her a whore when he was 15 so surely she must have realised it wasn't all me.

Can anyone relate? I feel like I'm in mourning for my teens. I was an A student but my grades plunged after meeting him. We went to a naice MC school with lots of extracurriculars, and I never did one, because of him. He wouldn't let me.

It's also a tricky one to negotiate with my parents too. They only know some of the above, but are aware it was a bad relationship. They very much feel that in hindsight they didn't handle things well, they were

Posted too soon

They were afraid they'd push me away if they tried to stop me being with him, but actually I was always a laid back and obedient child, I never once raised my voice or slammed a door as a teen, and I really wanted them to just step in and take control, which they didn't. Perhaps that is unfair of me- i always read on here about encouraging teens to be independent and make their own mistakes.

It does mean that when I try to talk to my parents about it, they get sad and talk about how they let me down, which is all well and good, but I don't want to see them sad or upset, so of course I haven't told them all the details or talk about it much. I can only talk to DH really.

I suppose I just can't get my head around the relationship between two kids being abusive, though I can see on paper it's ticked all the boxes.

I got bullied in primary school, and between that and my ex, I feel that I've never been able to be the person I could have been.

Yes. Never told anyone about it.
Went to counselling as I got older for years and feel like I've finally drawn a line under it

I'm sorry to hear that. What age were you when you started the counselling? If that's not a rude question!

I've thought of it before, DH suggested it, but we live rurally and I feel we don't have a lot of ££ to spend on me talking to someone, when it might not help. I feel silly, like I should have got over my teenage boyfriend by now!

Yes, although I was older than you 17-18. Endless conversations about how I'd hurt him, not being allowed to do certain things e.g. go to the pub, being criticised, having my phone 'checked', having to stay on the phone for hours or him calling me repeatedly if I didn't answer. Checking my emails without me knowing. Painting a terrible picture of me to mutual friends after we broke up. Two timing me and being on-off with me while also seeing other girls. Nothing sexual or physical but the emotional stuff and control stayed with me for a long time. I have a great life now though, lovely DH, lovely family, good mental health. Counselling helped and so did being in a non-abusive relationship.

It happened when I was 14. I didn't find a counsellor that I actually clicked with until I was 18.
So it might take a few attempts before you find one you feel understands you.
Mine helped me a lot, I'm not sure if maybe you'll be able to access help for free through your GP?

I was from 16 til 19. I was lucky and told my mum who helped so much , police involved and at one point I was moved away for a while . Went through so much that I can’t write on here but I survived and now many years later remember how strong I was to get through it and it made me the person I am today , I’m strong and don’t take crap from anyone . I stand up for myself and would never let anyone hit me again . Sometimes though I can be aggressive when there is no reason to be but things trigger me so I am immediately defensive . I’m in a loving relationship and it’s rare I think about the past . It will never go away but what this person did cannot effect the rest of your life . You need to talk to someone . I’ve spoke at length with close friends etc . It does help .

Sort of, yes, although not extreme abuse. I just wish I had never met him. we were together when I was 14-19. met online in the early days of chat rooms. He was 3 years older. he constantly criticised and created dramas including meeting other girls online in the early days. he criticised my weight, looks, family, friends, tastes, interests. was a total pig really. Constantly on about my weight (I was about a 10-12 so not fat but had been a big child with my parents drawing attention to my size).

There was always some psychodrama, which was not my way of behaving. I was studious, reserved but a bit bolshy and straightforward, not manipulative or dramatic. He was saying I was using him, I wanted a 'trophy boyfriend', saying my friends and family hated him.

He initiated sexual behaviour the second time we met and was constantly at me, physically trying to have anal sex way before I was ready to have normal sex. he made remarks about me being fat when I took my clothes off, all in a weird baby voice. I stayed at his house at about 15 and he had set up a camcorder at the end of the bed and he filmed me in underwear and showed his much older brother.

I remember him pinching and slapping me but physically I think i might've lashed out at him much later on so I don't really count that.

He liked to humiliate me, loudly shushing me publically, criticising my dancing at clubs (I was never a showoff or anything). I remember his awful screeching laugh if I was upset or stressed. I found sheaves of letters from another girl making clear he had said he wanted to be with her and not me.

He criticised any path other than his own very narrow career which was the same as his father. in fact the whole family were weirdly codependent and still are. my grades dropped from A's and A*'s to crap A levels. he told me that being 'dumb' was attractive so I played up to that.

he read through my emails, repeated inappropriate things to friends including telling his friends and family about a miscarriage I had had when very young (we hadn't actually known I was pregnant), as though he was grieving terribly, to cause more drama.

I agree with OP, i feel quite conflicted about my parents in all this. the Internet was very new and they did not supervise me at all, or be firm with any controls on me meeting him. I think they thought this would push me away but I ended up leaving anyway. it has taken me years to figure out my life. He is still treating women badly.

I'm so sorry that others have experienced similar. It's shit isn't it? For years I thought I was over it, but recently I've realised that I'm really not.

@muckycat I have never wanted to hug someone and drag them out for a coffee and a chat so much in my life. Your experience is spookily similar to my own. The Internet played a negative part in our relationship too- pestering me for webcam pics and the like. My parents let me have a computer, with no controls, in my room from the age of 14,yet as I've said they were hyper strict about things like age ratings on films.

In hindsight, I think he was likely watching a lot of porn from a young age, as he also had his own computer. No doubt this had an influence - he was also very sexually aggressive from the start. He also was causing constant dramas with other girls.

I really struggle with my parent's attitude. They are not techy people at all, they don't even have smartphones, so I don't think they quite grasped how the Internet could be misused, but at the same time I think they chose the easy option. I love them dearly, buy they're very bohemian/hippy "we're your friends, everyone's a friend, you're your own person, we'll support you in your choices" when actually I was a child who needed to be told what to do, because I was in an adult relationship with an older boy and I didn't have the tools or experience to handle it

And yes, he is also treating women badly

Yes. Two. And I really hugely relate to what you say about mourning your teen years. Counselling really did help and it’s never too late - there’s no expiry date on needing, or benefiting from it.

I was about 16-18 with the first one. Very possessive and sexually coercive. I had a very bad home life and ended up moving in with him - he spent all our money on drugs.

The other was age 18-25. Came to university with me, sat in my room and prevented me from taking part in freshers week. Constant moods and possessiveness, wouldn’t use protection, threatened suicide a lot, and was financially abusive (still technically owes me thousands but I have long since written it off for the sake of my sanity).

I am happily married now to a lovely man, but I still suffer some effects. Therapy has helped a lot.

Yes. I was 16, he was 24 - it still makes me shudder to think how little self-esteem I had and how cruel he was.

It took many years (and another abusive relationship) to realise that I needed to stop settling with shit heads.

My cousin said the man who deserves you will treat you as if he has won the top prize.

Forgiveness of these men has been important for moving on too. They are products of their upbringing - and are almost definitely more unhappy than we'll ever be.

I think I may look into counselling after things have calmed down a bit with covid.

I struggle to believe they'll take me seriously though. That I'm some sad sack who can't get over her bad experience first time round, and that it wasn't really abusive because it wasn't really a relationship, as, you know, teenage relationships, puppy love, just kids etc etc

How does a boy of 16 get like that?

Yes I was 19 and he was 35 and very fucked up. I'd had an abusive childhood and had low self esteem, he must have seen me coming. I look back and can see how he exploited my vulnerability. He was a dysfunctional pervert. He used to gaslight me and torment me. I would not stand for any of that nonsense now but he used to be be able to wind me up because I was naive and so young. I will be having lots of conversations with my daughter about boundaries and warning her about predatory older men, as they are vile. My daughter and I have a great relationship, very unlike what I had with my own mother. I still think a major cause of me entering into the relationship in the first place, was my abusive childhood.

OP I'm so sorry you had this shitty formative experience. Sending you a hug too.

A decent counsellor would absolutely take you seriously and listen to you.

I think porn had a lot to answer for even then. The boy I was with used to watch it with his brother and friends. With him I know the parents had a lot to answer for too, so I'm not as angry with him as I could be. To many intents and purposes he had no parenting, they were a self obsessed disgrace.

Yes. I was 15 and at a low ebb, as I was an only child with an alcoholic dad who was domestically abusing my mum. My boyfriend was nice early on, although sexually coercive. He was my first proper boyfriend (not including one boy where we just did handholding in the cinema). Pushed me into losing my virginity after 5 weeks.

After one of many nights at home where the police turned up to a domestic with my parents, the police officers recommended that I be sent to stay elsewhere so I was sent to stay with my boyfriend. I’m a parent myself now and I can’t believe that was thought to be a good idea. I guess my mum trusted them because they were quite religious on the surface. I don’t have any close family on my dad’s side and my mum’s family are all overseas. But my boyfriend’s parents never set up a bed for me in the dining room like they promised and I was just to kip in his single bed with him and then go to school together in the morning.

So of course, the sexual things ramped you a notch and it’s only in my thirties now that I am able to see that it does count as sexual abuse, because I was vulnerable and underage and I was served up on a plate in the bed of a teenage boy every night. He must have thought all his christmases had come at once. Then the violence started, and I was used to that because of my home life so I guess I just accepted it. Sadly I think I preferred to suffer the violence against me than be at home witnessing my dad chasing my mum around etc.

Two incidents stick out in my mind, one where I screamed because my boyfriend had pinned me to the floor and was hitting me, his mum came in and pulled him off me. She looked at me and said “he hits me too” and left the room, she didn’t tell my mum or anything.

Another time he had a friend round and we got into an argument so I left the house, he chased after me and as I was walking down his parents garden path he ran up behind me and, with a running kick, kicked me down the garden path from behind. All in front of his friend.

The emotional stuff was more difficult though. I was in a band (my only lifeline) and he insisted on coming to the rehearsals which was so awkward. He once decided that he was going to join the band himself, but luckily the other members said “Errrr no!” When we had a gig he would wait until a day before and then tell me he didn’t fancy me any more and he fancied one of our friends. So I’d be an emotional wreck and not be able to concentrate on the gig.

It was a hellish two years but i did eventually muster up the self esteem to dump him a couple of months before I turned 17. He did not let go for a long time and tried to suck me back in many times.

Unfortunately my life has been a bit of a pattern of people taking advantage of me and this is just one small thing. Have had loads of counselling and only really touched on this aspect as there are so many other things to discuss.

Yup - I was 15 he was 21, my first boyfriend and first person I slept with.
Would regularly tell me he was five mins away from my house and then not turn up or answer phone calls for days. Would make up bizarre rules about when we could see each other only to break them himself and tell me it didn't count. Would tell me stories then deny he had told them to me when I referred to them later, told me I was going mad. Would threaten to dump me if he saw me enjoying myself with friends and said I was turning into one of 'those' girls.
He would turn up at places I was working and send the lifts I had arranged home. Then as we got in his car he would tell me he was over the limit. Would boast about running cats over and would speed at literally 130mph to scare me.
Literally left me in bed at a party to shag another girl. I remember having a kidney infection once and he left me shivering and vomiting at his house and refused to drive me to a doctor, said he wasn't a taxi service and to get a bus.
Lied about the smallest things and told me stories about stuff that had happened to him that I later found out had happened to his friends.
He told horrendous lies about me to mutual friends that alienated them from me - I only found out after we broke up.
When I eventually got rid he turned up at my new boyfriends house and pulled a knife on him.
It breaks my heart that this was my first experience of a relationship. I literally went around for a year unable to make eye contact with anyone my self confidence was so destroyed. I didn't know up from down by the time he was through with me.
I later found out he had killed two people while drunk driving, without a license.
I which I had a relationship with someone closer my age and we discovered things slowly together. I feel so sorry for the ruined teenager I was.

I also remember he dumped my before a really important GCSE, dumped me on Valentines Day and dumped on my birthday and Christmas Eve. Needless to say he was a tight bastard! God - that was cathartic!

OP I'm so sorry for what you went through. I was abused by an older child (but also, separately and for a much longer period of time) an adult. I reported the adult to the police and he is now in prison. I didn't have the strength to formally report the child (although the police did know, I told them).

What he did to you was abusive. You will be taken seriously. I really recommend the sexual violence helpline run by rape crisis and run by Rape Crisis South London. Details here rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

They really understand. You can't always get through but when you do you get 40 mins with someone who really understands. I always felt better after speaking to them. They are open every day of the year (only at certain times). It might be worth just talking it through with them before working what you want to do. Sending huge hugs xxx

OP I'm so sorry for what you went through. I was abused by an older child (but also, separately and for a much longer period of time) an adult. I reported the adult to the police and he is now in prison. I didn't have the strength to formally report the child (although the police did know, I told them).

What he did to you was abusive. You will be taken seriously. I really recommend the sexual violence helpline run by rape crisis and run by Rape Crisis South London. Details here rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/

They really understand. You can't always get through but when you do you get 40 mins with someone who really understands. I always felt better after speaking to them. They are open every day of the year (only at certain times). It might be worth just talking it through with them before working what you want to do. Sending huge hugs xxx

If I had a time machine my one objective would be to avoid a certain fucktard when I was 14.

He told me all my friends had tried flirting with him, I shouldn’t trust them, they were all sluts and so on.

He was jealous of me talking to his friend. I laughed at his friends joke, I must love him. If I didn’t talk to his friend it was because we were having an affair and trying too hard to cover it up. An on and on and on. One time he demanded to know who some random guy was as we happened to walk out of the train station at the same time. I must have been cheating with him as we were walking too close together.

I couldn’t go anywhere without him, he would appear in the mornings to walk me to school and would wait at the gate for 3pm.

He would watch me do homework as I couldn’t be trusted to be at home doing it.

This was when MSN messenger was popular. When I was at home I had to have the webcam on so he could see what I was doing. If he saw me laugh or smile at something he would demand to know who had said what. He would threaten suicide often but sadly never followed through.

When I was 15 I went out with an 18 year old who used to strangle me until I passed out, bite me so hard they bled, punch my arms and legs (punched me in the face once and my jaws never been the same since!) accused me of cheating constantly, wouldn’t let me sleep to argue with me, ripped my clothes off so I was naked and felt vulnerable, sit on pillows on my head, threaten to kill me and himself and getting knives out, dragged me down the stairs and kicked me etc, forced me to have sex with him after his abuse, stalked me after and broke into my house I had to get an injunction out on him. These things happened on a daily basis for 6 months and I think it’s one of the main reasons why I’m still such an insecure mess as an adult woman!

I bled rather!
Sounds so messed up reading that back! He showed me a gun too and was just a horrible person in general. Saw him two years after that and he went ballistic grabbing me etc. If I saw him now I would be absolutely petrified! He’s been in and out of prison since I’ve heard from robbing people at gun point and beating up women

I was in a relationship from just before my 15th birthday until 17 but with someone in their 20’s, he was an alcoholic and had been to prison. He sexually abused me many times and went on to physically abuse me when I ended the relationship. I didn’t really tell anyone until recently what went on.

Yes definitely, from the age of 14-18 I was in a horrible controlling and abusive relationship! I was threatened on a daily basis, blackmailed, cheated on. It still affects me now as a 27 year old happily married with two children yet he's always in the back of my mind. I hope no woman goes through what I did. He was disgusting, he'd make me get on my knees and beg for forgiveness for the stupidest of things, and he'd record it! he had x rated pictures of me that he made me take and then used them to threaten me on a daily basis that he'd release them or post them to my family if I ever left him. I lost my virginity to him. He'd make me do things in public that I never wanted to do, and called me frigid if I didn't do them. We were in school and he'd make me meet him in classrooms to go and do things, he makes me physically sick everytime I think about it. He'd make me do his homework, his coursework, he went though my phone, my emails, my Facebook he controlled everything. In my faith and background we weren't allowed boyfriends and having two older brothers I was always scared they'd find out, him constantly threatening and blackmailing me that he'd show them my pictures and videos really effed me up mentally, if I didn't do what he said then that was it. He cheated on me numerous of times, I couldn't leave him as he had such a hold on me, he stole my innocent teenage school years. He abused me emotionally and used me physically I just hope his life is hell right now.

Yes from about 15 1/2 to 18 we were in the same year at school although he was about 10 months younger than me.
he was my first proper boyfriend

The abuse significantly ramped up when I left home at 17 and so was on my own but things had been getting to that point before but I was too young to have recognised the significance and because I had had a history of childhood sexual abuse and parental emotional abuse the behaviours he was displaying wasn't yet in the same league.

Abuse was emotional and sexual with to lesser degree physical abuse too although even then ribs were broken and he did stab me once but luckily not medically seriously (I do understand it's all serious though)

I don't hide it and if it's relevant i will talk about it but it happened so long ago now that it's not something that becomes relevant very often.