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Original poster

Was anyone else in an abusive teenage relationship?

38 replies

CustardCreamAppreciationClub · 09/07/2020 11:06

I was, but I don't think I could ever tell anyone about it in real life, because I don't think they'd believe teenage boys could be capable of abuse that is usually associated with adult couples.

We started going out when I was 13 and he was 16. Within weeks I had lost my virginity (just before my 14th birthday)

We were together until I was 18,and I feel that he totally stole my teenage years, and even as a happily married adult woman, his treatment of me and my experiences have shadowed my life

But then again I think to myself, he was practically a child, I'm over exaggerating, it was my fault too for not standing up to him more?

I just don't know how to feel about it.

Some of the things he did included: calling me a whore, saying he'd dump me if I gained weight, being incredibly nasty about my family, friends, hobbies and interests (calling my dad a fat wanker when he wouldn't give us a lift somewhere, calling my friends sluts and saying I shouldn't be around them or I'd be a slut too) forcing me to do sex stuff when he knew I didn't want to, for example making me do anal in a public place, forcing me to give him a blow job in front of his friends, saying he'd kill me if I left him, not using protection, "jokingly" punching me on the arm to see if I bruised, telling me he'd meet me at 12 at X place, and not showing up or being an hour late even though it was 5 minutes from his house, texting me non stop saying I was a cheating whore when I was out with friends, put enormous pressure on me to move in with him and get engaged/married the minute I turned 16, when it was unheard of in our group and social circle. Tried to stop me applying to university.

I feel like I brought a lot of this on myself, as I had been bullied and was desperate for a boyfriend. A woman in work has four teenage sons, and is always making comments about how teen girls are bitches and users, and how soft her sons are, lots of stories of how they're gentlemen who spoil these little hussies and get their hearts broken. I actually find it increasingly difficult to listen to, because my ex's mum had a similar attitude, and thought I was"too streetwise and mature for my age" (was still playing with polly pockets at age 12 and wasn't allowed to even watch Grange hill but whatever) but my ex hit her and called her a whore when he was 15 so surely she must have realised it wasn't all me.

Can anyone relate? I feel like I'm in mourning for my teens. I was an A student but my grades plunged after meeting him. We went to a naice MC school with lots of extracurriculars, and I never did one, because of him. He wouldn't let me.

It's also a tricky one to negotiate with my parents too. They only know some of the above, but are aware it was a bad relationship. They very much feel that in hindsight they didn't handle things well, they were

OP posts:

WitsEnd2020 · 09/07/2020 20:51

This is such a difficult thread to read. I can see some commonalities though with all of our stories, older men and tough childhoods.

My repulsive boyfriend raped me and I am
Considering reporting it to the police. I don't know what will happen, will I just be setting myself up for more trauma? I am scared but I feel that he should be punished for what he did to me. I don't know anything about the reporting process, can anyone advise? Or signpost me to support agencies?

WitsEnd2020 · 09/07/2020 20:51

This is such a difficult thread to read. I can see some commonalities though with all of our stories, older men and tough childhoods.

Lovemusic33 · 09/07/2020 21:04

Witsend I have reported a rape (a few years ago), the process is quite stressful and I kind of with I hadn’t bothered, my only hope of ever getting justice is if someone else reports him for a similar crime. With no forensic evidence and no witnesses it’s pretty impossible to prove unless he has history . I had to do interviews (recorded), some of the questions were awful and I was made to believe it was my fault for what I was/wasn’t wearing and how I acted. This was the 2nd abusive relationship I had been in. I never reported the abuse I suffered as a teenager and I have no intention too now as my abuser took his life.

WitsEnd2020 · 09/07/2020 21:20

Love music, thank you for replying did your attacker get interviewed? Or arrested?

I think everyone on this thread is very brave and has carried a lot of pain and shame(?) for stuff that was not their fault whatsoever.

namechange0073 · 09/07/2020 21:27

Yes, from the age of 16, and it didn't stop till I was 26 and he was 27! Only because I left. He didn't change at all!

Lovemusic33 · 09/07/2020 21:29

Wits he was questioned and released, I was told there was not enough evidence, despite the whole process being pretty traumatising the police were amazing and worked together with me to get him charged for harassment so I could get a restraining order on him (to protect me). In a way I was pleased I did not have to stand up in court and relive it all again. He was questioned in 2 accounts of rape and 3 sexual assaults, he denied them all and told the police I was seeking revenge, told them I was crazy. I had a few counselling sessions since which helped but still suffer with PTSD. I just hope one day someone else reports him and he gets what he deserves. Please talk to your local rape crisis team, they were a great support when I was going through the process or reporting it and guided me through the process so I knew what to expect. If you do report it but it doesn’t get as far as court don’t feel it was all for nothing, it will stay on police records.

jessstan2 · 09/07/2020 21:30

When I was a teenager I found teenage boys to be quite horrible; stupid, immature, unkind and crude. There were a few nice ones around but I wasn't drawn to them. I don't know why.

I had a relationship lasting a few months when I was 16 but the guy was 26! He was extremely controlling and abusive.

Looking back I think I didn't consider myself to be worthy of a decent chap.

I got over it all and they rarely cross my mind now. In my twenties I married a really good man, six months older than me. He often used to say he regretted he hadn't met me when we were teens, how many years we'd wasted before getting together, etc. Quite honestly I don't think he would have really wanted me then.

You're still young, op. Counselling will help you. Good luck.

WitsEnd2020 · 09/07/2020 21:41

Love music - thank you for sharing your experience. I think you are really brave. My rapes occurred nearly 20 years ago so I don't have any evidence. I still feel strongly that I should report the bastard though.

Thisbastardcomputer · 09/07/2020 21:46

Yes, I had a similar teenage relationship. He was the very good looking head boy, our relationship lasted 15 to 18. He used coercive control, which turned to violence. As soon as the violence started I ended the relationship, but unbeknown to me, I was stalked. Stalking ended when the policeman husband of a friend, had a word with him. I had a lucky escape

toothfairy73 · 09/07/2020 22:19

@WitsEnd2020 I reported historic childhood sexual abuse. It was really hard but i don't regret it. I understand others might not feel the same way. I and the other survivors of the same man have set up a blog to describe what it feels like from reporting to trial. I know I wanted something like this when I was thinking about it, but there was nothing out there. This is why we did it. @Lovemusic33 that must have been so hard. I know he was only questioned but he was questioned because of you. You told what he did. You didn't keep his secret. And the police believed you. He must have been terrified which is the very least he deserved. Hold your head up high. You did all you could. And it will be on file should he ever be reported by anyone else in the future.

Here is my blog about deciding (or not) to report. warriorwoman.blog/2019/03/07/to-report-or-not-to-report-that-is-the-question-febuary-2/. There is a page of useful resources plus a page of self help ideas.

Take care and DM me if you want to chat or contact us via email, Facebook, Twitter or Instagram (links on website)

toothfairy73 · 09/07/2020 22:21

@WitsEnd2020 there was no forensic evidence in our case (for me it was over 30 years ago) but he was convicted. He got 16 years

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 09/07/2020 22:56

Yes. My dad had just died and I wasn’t coping at all. My mother was/is not very nice and I suppose I was an easy mark as far as he was concerned.

Basically he abused me physically, psychologically and emotionally for three years. He killed my pet rabbit in front of me. When I left he stalked me for another year. He:-

Used to throw bricks through my mothers windows every other weekend.
If he wasn’t smashing windows he would smear dog shit over the windows and door handles.
He shit in my brother’s tent when he camped in our back garden.
He hid outside where I had a part time job and kidnapped me with a carving knife and he said he would kill me.
He sat in a tree in the back garden and just sat there until the police arrived, at which point he would leg it.
When I got on the bus to go to my full time job he would be sitting there. And when I came home he would be on the bus waiting for me.
He used to follow me and attack me in shops. No one ever did anything.
He also used to throw drinks over me in the pub if he saw me.
He climbed onto my mother’s roof with a gun.

The police said there was nothing they could do as there was no proof (ie they never saw him do anything). At this point I was 19/20 years old.

In the end I told my brother what was going on and he told him that if he ever looked at me again he would kill him and happily go to prison. My brother was eight years older than me and I was worried about telling him as I knew that he would do what he said. My brother loved me very much but he was known for his temper and violence (not with women) and I didn’t want him to go to prison. My brother died seven years ago and I miss him every day. He saved me from this person who wanted to kill me.

My marriage was also very abusive. I think I’m very damaged from all of this but I’ve never had anyone to talk to who I trust not to use it against me later. My life from 15 years old was ruined and it still is. I’m 46 now and just thinking about counselling.

slug · 09/07/2020 23:07

Yes. From 17 till I was 25. Not physical but emotional and financial.

I have many sisters, and one of the younger ones pointed out once that we all had an early abusive relationship. I know at least 2 of my brothers have had relationships where they were abused as well. Her theory was we needed to have one then grow out of it but it made me reconsider my parent's relationship, particularly the way my dad treated mum.

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