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Original poster

Help!! In law favouritism

28 replies

Littlelantern · 08/07/2020 20:19

Please help.... how do I get over in laws favouritism between their children and grandchildren. Sounds petty but there’s just a lot of stuff accumulating. How do you stop it eating you up and try to let it go?

OP posts:
goldpendant · 08/07/2020 20:45

You eventually just do..... how long has it been going on OP?

For me I eventually had it out with MIL. Turns out she felt sorry for my SIL, no close family around etc. I explained how hurt we, and DCs had been, apologies and promises flowed, but it's made no real difference. Now I don't allow myself to assume we will all get the same treatment, I manage my expectations, and it's become something DH and I roll our eyes at now.

Is your DH on side? That helps a lot.

Windyjuly · 08/07/2020 20:51

It depends how severe it is. I wouldn't expose my dc to any two tier system!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/07/2020 20:56

Are the children all yours or are they your DHs nieces and nephews.

Original poster
Littlelantern · 08/07/2020 21:15

SIL children and mine and DH children. It’s just so hurtful when your children are involved.

Stuff has been mentioned by like other poster has mentioned nothing changed.

Really sets my anxiety off, nothing worse than innocent children being involved in some thing!

OP posts:
FireUnderpants · 08/07/2020 21:16

I accepted that dh and our dc are not a priority to them and stepped away. His brother has also distanced from his parents.

MIL revolves around SIL and her DS. The final straw for me was when MIL left DDs party early, after spending the entire time on the phone to SIL. SIL was invited, but didn’t come as she was busy organising her DSs party for the following week. MIL left early to go to SILs to help.

She now wonders why they are not invited anywhere or given updates on the dc.

goldpendant · 08/07/2020 21:53

It's so hurtful, you have to remember that the kids are likely none the wiser - but we've had situations where DS has been in floods because they have blatantly put DN above him, reneged on promises/plans to him in favour of looking after DN etc. I have been so badly messed around by them and their ever changing plans (or planning everything around BIL/SIL) that I have backed off a bit.

It's resulted in them trying to keep stuff secret from us which makes it worse of course. Lower your expectations.

I think it's often natural for mums to feel maternally closer to their own DDs children. It doesn't make it right but it's common and can manifest as favouritism.

Original poster
Littlelantern · 08/07/2020 22:04

Yes you don’t feel you want to send updates do you!

And yes they keep things secret from us/don’t include us.

It’s all just really hurtful and sad that it happens to so many people! I understand the natural closeness but I’d really like to think I’d never make anyone feel so shitty!

OP posts:
FireUnderpants · 08/07/2020 22:20

My dc have absolutely noticed their cousin is the golden child. My teenager does call her GPS out on it, and asks when is her day out/gift/ treat and watches them squirm.

Everything is equal on my side of the family. Both parents completely absent! There’s no competition between cousins and it’s nice spending time together. The contrast does show how dysfunctional it is.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/07/2020 22:21

I thought so. Grandparents are nearly always closer to their daughters kids.

Mum2jenny · 08/07/2020 22:26

Unfortunately I think you are right. Grandparents seem to be closer to their daughter’s children the their son’s children. But I think daughters tend to be closer to their mothers. Sons have to step back a bit.
Maybe that’s the reality, not saying it’s right tho’

SeaToSki · 08/07/2020 22:31

I just allocated a budget in my own mind to make up for it with my dc. So an extra present for birthdays and christmas and a few extra days out that I would pay for. It just helped my state of mind, Im sure the dc would have been ok eventually, but it REALLY bugged me.

stressedhousebuyer · 08/07/2020 22:37

Growing up my cousins were always favoured over my siblings and I. It did hurt and tbh my grandmother wasn't a very nice person anyway. They received more at Christmas, we were all given money in a card but they were also given a gift. I feel like sometimes it's more of an effort to make a difference between grandchildren. It was because my mum had moved away for a period of time and then came home, having gone through it I wouldn't tolerate it happening to my children

LittleEntrepeneur · 08/07/2020 22:38

We have this problem. We live 20 mins from PIL and only see them a couple of times a year (their choice). By contrast, they spend a few weeks every year visiting SIL and her DS who live on the other side of the world.

When DD was 4 years old, she said, “Mummy, why don’t Grandma and Grandad like us?”.

It’s heartbreaking Sad.

SerendipitySunshine · 08/07/2020 23:23

We have this too, it gets me down.

Excitedforxmas · 08/07/2020 23:50

Same here. Brothers kids are idolised. Mine are lucky to get a phone call

Ozgirl75 · 09/07/2020 00:32

When my kids were young, their cousins are a similar age. We live a long way from PILs, they live about an hour and a half from their other grandkids (and PIls have two sons so no daughter favouritism)

They like where we live and we suggested once that they buy a house here and spend longer period near us, like a few months at a time. Their response? “We would miss Bob and Sarah (names made up) too much”.
So they see our kids once in a while and basically have no relationship with them.
What is unfortunate is that my SIL doesn’t really get on with the PILs anyway so they don’t even get to see those grandkids that often either.
It’s a shame but I guess they made their choice. The older son is the golden child too, and despite my husband being very successful at school, university and now in work, he is always compared to his brother.
In some ways it’s handy though as it was like a rule book on how NOT to raise brothers.

bruce43mydog · 09/07/2020 07:32

We had this growing up with our grandparents and as a child you notice it, but don't think to much of it.

But as you get older you always end up wondering why you are never good enough.

My grandad till does it now and I am 35. He says how great the other side are. I always make a excuse to go home whenever he does this cause I don't want to keep feeling second best. When I am the only one that visits.

saraclara · 09/07/2020 07:47

@Mum2jenny

Unfortunately I think you are right. Grandparents seem to be closer to their daughter’s children the their son’s children. But I think daughters tend to be closer to their mothers. Sons have to step back a bit. Maybe that’s the reality, not saying it’s right tho’
Given the number of threads on mumsnet where poster after poster says that it's perfectly reasonable for their mother to be prioritised over their MIL from the moment of their children's birth, it's hardly surprising that some grandparents end up closer to their own daughter's children.

If DILs are going to push MILs away from the beginning ("because I need my real mum") what do they expect?

Seriously, MILs occupy such a lowly status compared to DMs that it's got to be really hard work for them to have the same access to their grandkids, and if their daughter is more welcoming than their DIL, this is what will happen.

JockTamsonsBairns · 09/07/2020 08:13

@saraclara very good point

Pelleas · 09/07/2020 08:30

My sister and I were in this position growing up. Unlike many others on this thread, it was our uncle's children who were the favoured grandchildren of my mum's parents. We were fortunate that on my dad's side, we were the only grandchildren, and my paternal grandparents were very close to us even though they lived a good 4/5 hours away.

As a young child it didn't bother me - it was just how things were. My grandmother on that side died when I was quite young - 10 - and my grandfather remarried shortly afterwards, so it was just a very different relationship overall.

Thinking about it as an adult (long after all my grandparents had died) I think there were three reasons. My mum's parents also lived 4/5 hours away from us, but in the same county as my cousins, so they saw them on a day to day basis. My sister and I came along after the cousins, so we wouldn't have been a novelty (my grandfather was quite a novelty loving man). Finally, my uncle was their favourite - that dates back to WW2 as he was younger than my mum and born after the war, whereas my mum was born during the war so hardly saw her dad when she was small as he was away serving.

They were lovely people and I do remember my maternal grandmother being kind to us - the difference isn't something I resent as an adult. Sometimes circumstances conspire to affect relationships and it's just one of those things.

DonLewis · 09/07/2020 08:35

We're just grateful not to have their overbearing influence concentrated on us, because that's what BIL gets for being the golden child.

As the years have gone on though my MIL has become more invested in our kids, partly I think because we're no bother, compared to BIL, who is always the centre of some drama or other.

Windyjuly · 09/07/2020 09:30

Sara Clara you have conflated two points there.

Where is your evidence that in cases where grandparent clearly favour one set of grandchildren, that this it's directly because the dil has favored their own dm, so they have backed off or retaliated?

Utter nonsense!

In my experience, it's only certain kind of people who do treat gc un fairly usually because they have treated their own dc unfairly, usually to the detriment of the son.

This them plays out when grandchildren come along.

Op children do notice, this happened to myself and my siblings and it absolutely had the worse effect on my dB... It deeply affected him. Its not something anyone needs to be exposed too!

DibDibDibduh · 09/07/2020 09:41

Walk away and protect your children and your sanity
Children do notice and it hurts them as much as it hurts us
They won't change

WindsorBlues · 09/07/2020 10:03

My nan plays favourites. It was hurtful as a child but now her grandkids can have a laugh about it, when we're together we try and find out where we currently rank in her affections, she never denies that my sibling is top of the list. One of my cousins and I are the ones that do the most for her and we always rank around bottom.

I can remember a few incidents that really upset me when I was a kid, but I know she loves me in her own way, and it taught me not everyone I encounter in life is going to think I'm the bees knees.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/07/2020 10:16

I work with older people & notice golden children fade away as they need more help. Some are left pretty much alone as they’ve hurt their other kids too much for them to bother.