ExH has had a stroke

[happy97]

And I feel so conflicted. We've had a really hard time post divorce. My children are both over 18 but my son was with him when it happened. He's 50.

I can't reconcile my emotions. He has caused me so much pain over the years but I wouldn't wish this on him or especially my children. The prognosis isn't great, in that it was a bleed rather than a clot. I'm so worried for the call, if it comes, and how to deal with the aftermath.

No idea why I'm posting, need some release really.

that's really shit. poor ds. and other dc. really hard to deal with.

Thank you. No news is good news I hope.

Bumping for the Friday night crowd.

There's been no real change, it was a massive stroke apparently so it's a miracle he's still here. I feel so upset tonight and I don't know why.

I can't get any definitive answers from the hospital, I feel like a nuisance when I call (he's single so I've become the next of kin and the one who feeds updates to his family and our children).

Any advice on how to deal with this would be amazing.

Bumping for the Friday night crowd.

There's been no real change, it was a massive stroke apparently so it's a miracle he's still here. I feel so upset tonight and I don't know why.

I can't get any definitive answers from the hospital, I feel like a nuisance when I call (he's single so I've become the next of kin and the one who feeds updates to his family and our children).

Any advice on how to deal with this would be amazing.

So he could be out in a week's time. My son is 18 and lives with him so would be him primary carer. I can not reconcile with that, I don't want him to be a carer for his Dad, doing the washing and cooking and everything that comes with living with someone who is incapacitated.

He can't walk unaided, has to have a bed downstairs. Can't shower. Has no movement in his left hand at the moment.

So...should I have him at my house? I hate the man at times, but he's my children's father. For their sake I would rather have him here for a few weeks until he's showing some signs of recovery.

I feel so confused!!

That sounds incredibly hard. You sound like you're a lovely person, trying to balance everyone's needs and well being. I don't have any real advice I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run. What has your 18 year old said about it?

No you should not have him at his house. I know you’re trying to spare your son, but you should do that by helping him arrange carers for his dad, not by becoming that carer.

V sorry this has happened. I would seek legal advice on you or your son organising care, using your ex’s money. And would inform the hospital that your son cannot provide personal care for his father, so services will be needed.

No, you do not want to become his carer and nor should your ds. If it was caught early, recovery is often good. With luck, he will be able to care for himself soon.

NO WAY.

He needs to either have private carers or go to respite for a few weeks.

My mother had a big bleed and lost a load of function. I took care of her full time for 7 years. Had I known....... And we got on well! But it was 7 years of bathing and toileting and feeding and doing absolutely everything. Can you see yourself doing that for a man you hate???!

Do not even consider it. There are other options, you just haven't explored them yet.

You also need proper info on the prognosis.

Op, he should be able to get help to manage at home, eg physio, OT etc to regain mobility and strength.

Does yr ds want to care/understand the implications? Does exh know ds will be his carer? Bath him, dress him etc? Has this been discussed? Hosp will do a discharge plan, it may be he needs carers for a while. If family are available the hospital will assume they will care for exh.

Get in touch with hospital social worker team and engage with them.
Hospital will have an idea of how long he will need help for. Eg if 6 months, does ds work? College etc? What about when he goes out with friends, away for the weekend? Etc.

He should be offered inpatient rehabilitation if he is not independently mobile or at the very least rehab at home. They should be aiming to get you exH as independent as possible.

Could he go in to respite for a couple of weeks ?

I work on a stroke ward and if people are unable to care for themselves as they were post stroke they tend to go to a specialist rehab unit, is there anything like that in your area? Or a community hospital?

That sounds hard but you're allowed to have multiple emotions at once.

And definitely state that he will need carers, that would be a huge millstone round your son's neck at 18. And no, don't have him at yours, I'd suggest it might help if you can set things up in terms of care but you are under no obligation to take him in. That would likely end up being unsustainable long term.

Even though your intentions are lovely to offer recovery and I say this with love and kindness, it’s hard. My dad has a massive stroke, was in hospital/rehab for 6 months, this was 5 years ago he never fully recovered, he has weakness on left side, can’t use his left arm at all, weak left leg so can walk slowly in the house but needs wheelchair outside, started with carer 3 times a day but now once. His personality changed, he has no filter, he is very aggressive at times mostly via frustration, it is very very difficult. All strokes are different, depends what part of the brain is effected etc. The strain in our family has been massive. It’s not easy, I wasn’t aware how life changing strokes were until one happened in our family. I wish you luck and hope he has a recovery that offers him a good life

It's a tough one, but there is no way I'd put my 18 year old in the carers position, not even in the short term, even if he's ok with it.
Me, I would actually bring the 18 yr old home and stress to the hospital your ex, needs help for when he's back home...

Charities like Headway and the Brain Injury Rehabilitation Trust May be able to offer help and advice.

Where possible, I would advise against becoming his primary carer or allowing your son to do so. Even over 18, it's important that your son is allowed to retain his role as son instead of becoming responsible for him.

It's early days yet, and your ex may still regain a lot of his abilities.

I know a lovely lady who suffered a brain haemorrhage under two years ago. She was in a coma for weeks and required rehabilitation to learn to walk and understand who and where she was. She now walks miles at a time and just got her drivers license back.

I would say a hard no. I understand you want to do what's best for the kids- but there is no way in the same position he would do a damn thing for you, so this is his problem to sort. Don't take on the wife work again out of sense of guilt. He needs to organise care, and have that sorted for coming back to his house. By all means support your son, but don't get sucked back into the exh vortex.

The personality change post stroke thing is real, particularly with men.

They can become very irritable, cranky and unfiltered. They can become very very hard to manage.

Not always of course, but enough that its fairly commonplace.

The more care family gives at this stage, the less likely he is to get help.

Your DS is cheaper than carers or in patient services.

I know from experience.

If you care for him, he will not be able to access the help he actually needs. Because there's already somebody housing, feeding, dressing and washing him - for the rest of his life.

Say no. Say an 18 year old cannot be expected, much less forced, to be his carer (after all, how would he go to university, go out, meet a girl, get married and have a family of his own when he's wiping somebody else's backside for what could be decades?).

He is the responsibility of himself (assuming he still has capacity) and Social Services. You're divorced - what's to say that somebody who probably doesn't love you wants to be put into your home and have you perform intimate care for them? You don't love him - why would you be expected to clean around his genitals?

FIL had a stroke, spent time in a Rehab unit afterwards precisely because it wasn't anybody else's responsibility. Once they were happy that his recovery meant he would be able to manage alone with visiting carers, he was discharged to community services. He made a fairly good recovery within that time - this doesn't sound to be the case for your ex, just as it wasn't for the other men in his ward.

Saying no is the right thing to do.

You're all absolutely right!! Thank you so much for all the lovely replies. I feel so conflicted, I am fundamentally a good person and despite him causing me a HUGE amount of pain over the years I want to do the best for him.

But essentially it's for my children. I don't want my son to be the carer. He does not realise the full implications and how much it would impact on his life. He works for his Dad as well (a whole other thread!) so as far as having a life for himself it will be limited.

I will look at all the other options available. The outpatient care team will apparently get in touch with me to let me know what will happen next.

Such a mess.

Speak to SS, there's no way your 18 yr old should be putting his life on hold for him, nor you.