ExH has had a stroke

[happy97]

And I feel so conflicted. We've had a really hard time post divorce. My children are both over 18 but my son was with him when it happened. He's 50.

I can't reconcile my emotions. He has caused me so much pain over the years but I wouldn't wish this on him or especially my children. The prognosis isn't great, in that it was a bleed rather than a clot. I'm so worried for the call, if it comes, and how to deal with the aftermath.

No idea why I'm posting, need some release really.

He does appear to be a bit unfiltered! Almost as if he's had a few drinks and is a bit merry. Being quite inappropriate with jokes/comments etc.

I will call social services tomorrow. And the hospital saying he's not ready to come home. He's being selfish I think, which is fairly normal. He said he will be happier at home but is not thinking of the bigger picture, and that DS will be at his beck and call!

You simply have to reiterate that there will be no family support available.

That your relationship has long been dissolved and that your son is not an option. You don't even have to explain it, just stop there.

Yes, inappropriate comments are par for the course, I'm afraid. It's not necessarily temporary.

What Elspeth said. If they get a sniff of there being someone able to care for him you won't get the help thats available.

@WhoWants2Know I don't know how I go about forbidding him from doing it! I've told him I don't want him to, and that I don't think it's appropriate, but he won't listen.

I donr have time to read the thread. Dont under any cirnxustnces suggest you can catr for him. His next if kin, if you were divorced, isn't you. It should be his family. That may help create some distance for you, and that's important. Donr tell nhs or social care you can help. Thye will take that and use it to g eet him less assistance. It's very hard but you really need to say there is nobody to help .. it will ensure he gets proper help. Counter intuitive but really important

Northernsoullover ElspethFlashman Thank you so much. I have been given that advice before and you're completely right.

I do empathise as I was in the same position as you. My ExH was 53 and my youngest, who still lived with me, was 17. He visited every day in hospital. My SIL was next of kin. I had had a nightmare divorce and was concerned about what would happen following discharge etc. but sadly he died. I had very mixed emotions. My youngest was very upset, my other son not much. I had to jointly organise the funeral with SIL and sort out all the finances myself.

Oh OP,

Pleasecbe very very careful here.

If you step in here or allow yourself to be coerced into being his carer you will be left to it.

He is no longer your husband.
He has a family.

His son should not be doing his personal care.
Your son needs to move home with you if you would accept him to stay with you and the hospital should be informed that he needs rehabilitation.

How you proceed now could have enormous consequences.

It sounds like you left a bad marriage, not an easy thing to do.....do NOT get sucked in again.

Toohardtofindaproperusername I really don't want to look after him! But my son seems hellbent on caring for him when he comes out.

@happy97 my dad is exactly the same has no filter. Please don’t allow your son to care for him, I know how upsetting it must be and he wants to help his Dad, me and my brother wanted to help my dad and wished him well, we would have done anything and when he was I hospital it seemed easy. The harsh reality of it is that it’s hard, demanding, my brother lives at home so has it harder than me, he finds its hard even though my mum is there (she has early onset dementia) my brother was 25 when it happened and he’s found very hard. Push the hospital for rehab, social services etc for help

@billy1966 It was an awful marriage and an even worse period since. I can't believe I'm even considering caring for the man. My son has been with me since it happened, which has actually been really lovely.

To be fair no one has asked me to do it, quite the opposite. I just don't want DS to care for him. But he refuses to listen to logic and is adamant he will do it.

@pasteldechocolateconchispa That sounds so sad for you all. I'm just not sure how I can stop him. He's ordered a bed to be delivered on Friday and has asked DS if he can put it together for him. It's just not right but I feel powerless.

I think I need to make sure that other measures are put in place, respite etc.

A friend of mine is one of 5 children, only girl.

She used to visit her bachelor uncle, as did her siblings.

He had a stroke and she and her siblings visited him in hospital.

As he stabilised, she started to receive increasingly pushy phone calls from the hospital to take on the role of his carer.

The absolute cheek of them.

One call she found particularly offensive and she never took another call from them again.

Her brothers NEVER received a single call.

Her uncle went into a nursing home.

OP, be so wary of going down a road that is not yours.

Direct calls to his family.

You are no longer his wife.

@happy97 it’s very sad, my dad changed over night, we lost the person he was. It’s a lot of responsibility for someone too. I really understand the need to help and care we are almost programmed to do it. Stroke recovery is a varied path. Maybe someone at the stroke association could speak to him about what strokes are like and what caring entails. I’ve learnt lots about strokes. Maybe get your son to read up about the effects of stroke etc. I found the personality Janie hard. Also taking 45 minutes to get out the door a bit of a headache. We had a wonderful nurse who was a stroke specialist she was fantastic even now we can call her

Could you try explaining to your son that his caring for his father would be detrimental to his father- that his father won’t get the professional care he needs and which would be best for him if social services think someone else will save them money? It’s a fine line to tread, your son may be hurt by the idea that his care is not necessarily the best care.

Possibly also worth pointing out that this is full time and probably permanent. So that’s no social life, no sex life, no holidays, no job. Possibly for the next 40 odd years. Is there some way you could get your son some experience of what that means, shadowing a carer for a day perhaps?

Maybe help your son find some role in his father’s care which isn’t the whole thing, it sounds like your son is very like you- someone who feels a burning need to help, no matter what and is willing to sacrifice themselves for it. That’s what you were suggesting you would do at the beginning of the thread, so you must understand why your son feels that way, and more so, as he still loves his father. Your son probably needs to feel useful, and won’t be able to live with having no role, so help him find a compromise, maybe something to do with keeping his father’s work going?

Do really push for proper inpatient rehabilitation. His long term prospects will be much better if he has a full rehabilitation programme. Hopefully then he won't need your ds to care for him.

Your son needs to understand that if he stands back, his father will receive more help. Of the professional, experienced and appropriate variety.

But that will take time for him to reconcile.

But, why are you next of kin if you divorced? It should probably be your sons. And if they are taking on this burden, they may start to realise just how hard it will be to be a full time carer.

How much has the stroke effected ExH? Is he still able to move, speak etc?

MIL had a severe stroke six years ago. There was a point where they didn't think she was going to survive, let alone recover. She is paralyzed down one side. She was not allowed home until full assessments were done with social services and the hospital. Even then, there was a meeting with family and social services to determine what was the best option. FIL is not in the best health himself, but PIL were determined she was coming home. DH and SIL both wanted her to go into a home. PIL declined a move into sheltered accommodation (are in council housing) and had to wait years and fight for a purpose built extension in their home. MIL is now declining. I doubt she will survive the next 12 months. It has been very hard and difficult for FIL to look after her, there is all of the physically lifting, hoisting, changing etc. Their relationship has always typically been MIL did everything for FIL and he is a cantankerous old git who doesn't think of anyone other than himself. Which doesn't help. But she doesn't get the level of care she deserves and would be better off with someone professional there 24/7. DH and SIL do what they can, but it's not easy when they both have their own children, have to work etc too. She has two sons from her first marriage who do not bother at all. DH and SIL have agreed if anything were to happen to FIL, MIL will be moved into a home. It is a full time 24/7 commitment.

Fatted It's been 3 weeks and initially he was paralysed down the left side and blind in his left eye. He still cannot walk without someone helping him. Before yesterday it was 2 people having to help. He has no movement in his fingers or toes. He can't shower unaided but can just about go to the loo now.

I just don't think my son appreciates what it will be like. He hasn't seen him because of COVID so doesn't see the bigger picture. I'm going to ring the hospital tomorrow. I'm currently upstairs having had a row about the situation so will leave it tonight!!

If your son works for his dad, does that mean there is some kind of business that needs to be kept running? You might persuade your son that he would be better placed taking care of this and keeping it going for his dad rather than being his personal carer.

@Sunseed There are other directors who are taking the load thank goodness.