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Original poster

Family refusing to come to my wedding

60 replies

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 06/07/2020 09:16

A bit of a strange one. I’m having a very small wedding next year and have decided to invite friends and only family members we are close to. Having thought about it, I’m not close to any of the male members in my family- my dad used to beat my mum up, my brother is also abusive, I have uncles I never speak to and one of my uncles is a full blown alcoholic who is always nasty to people when he’s drunk. However, the alcoholic uncle has a lovely partner and 2 young daughters who I’m close to so I explained the situation (told a little white lie and said I was trying to keep costs down rather than singling him out) and still invited the partner and cousins. Initially they said they would come and the kids got very excited about it then I got a text message last night saying that they won’t now attend without the alcoholic uncle. I tried calling them but they kept cancelling my calls and I heard through another family member that that the uncle had the kids in tears and told them they couldn’t go to my wedding without him.

I’m absolutely distraught to be honest and wondered if anyone had any advice or experience of how to cope if family don’t attend a wedding, as I’m now worried I’m going to feel really sad on my wedding day Sad

OP posts:
Funtcase95 · 06/07/2020 09:20

Although I totally understand your reasoning, I'd have either invited them all or none at all. I had a similar issue at my wedding. I have a lovely cousin but his partner is a drug abuser and very unstable, known for causing havoc at any gathering so we made the decision not to invite any of them. My cousin totally understood and I think it saved a rift between them had I have only
Invited him and their child.

Itsjustabitofbanter · 06/07/2020 09:22

You either invite a family or you don’t. I understand why you don’t want your uncle there, but you seriously can’t invite his wife and kids and not him?? The excuse you’re keeping costs down by excluding one member of the family is poor

PurpleThistles84 · 06/07/2020 09:25

Yep afraid I agree with PP, should have been all or none. I get your reasons but expecting some to go and not just one, there is no way you can make it anything other than singling out.

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Weddings
HeddaGarbled · 06/07/2020 09:26

While I completely understand your reasoning, that was never going to work. Wedding invitations go to married couples, not whichever half of the couple you choose.

Original poster
Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 06/07/2020 09:27

I take on board what you are saying but if you knew my uncle I think you would understand my reasoning a bit more. He’s openly racist (and we have guests from ethnic minority backgrounds attending), he’s abusive to people when he is drunk, he usually passes out at functions and makes a fool of himself and I had visions of him heckling me in the church (seriously). It felt harsh to not invite the partner and cousins because of the character of my uncle.

OP posts:
Emelene · 06/07/2020 09:29

It can work - at my wedding I invited an uncle and cousins but not my aunt as she is an alcoholic and was having a very bad spell with it.

It sounds like he has a lot of influence on his family though so I don't think you will be able to change his mind. It's sad but I would just try your best to move on and accept they can't/won't come without him. Thanks

employeewoes · 06/07/2020 09:30

I understand your reasoning and see totally why you don't want him there, but you can't expect his partner and kids to attend without him.

You've put them in a very difficult position and been very rude. They aren't refusing to come to hurt you, you hurt them first and have potentially put your aunt in danger.

LesNanas · 06/07/2020 09:33

I take on board what you are saying but if you knew my uncle I think you would understand my reasoning a bit more. He’s openly racist (and we have guests from ethnic minority backgrounds attending), he’s abusive to people when he is drunk, he usually passes out at functions and makes a fool of himself and I had visions of him heckling me in the church (seriously). It felt harsh to not invite the partner and cousins because of the character of my uncle.

Yes, but that's your reasoning. Surely you can see that for the partner and children of an aggressive dysfunctional alcoholic who is presumably aggrieved at not being invited, the situation may not be so clear-cut? And the excuse about cutting costs is really not going to cut it when you invite his partner and children but not the blood relative? (Again, for perfectly valid reasons, but surely you don't expect your unpleasant uncle to just take this lying down?)

SeasonFinale · 06/07/2020 09:34

I think in view of what you have said about uncle you should just reply that you are sorry they will no longer be able to attend.

whateveryouneed · 06/07/2020 09:34

You can't expect to invite one half of a family and the uninvited half to be cool with that, however strong your reasons are for not inviting.

TARSCOUT · 06/07/2020 09:34

I'm another who can see your reasoning but I they're still a family unit so it wasn't a fair thing to do. That's the trouble with families, you can't choose them.

SecondStarFromTheRight · 06/07/2020 09:41

I can understand why you wouldn't want your uncle there but think it was wrong to invite his partner and children. You've created more bad feeling around what is probably an already terrible situation.

Laurie01 · 06/07/2020 09:50

You can't choose your family members unfortunately, it's your happy day, surround yourself with the people that make you happy. If that means excluding family, so be it.

Original poster
Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 06/07/2020 09:51

Having read through these responses , I think maybe I shouldn’t have invited them at all. I’ve been to other weddings where there’s been no children allowed and people have only invited family they are close to so I thought it would work but clearly not in this case.

OP posts:
Wyntersdiary · 06/07/2020 09:54

At the end of the day its not your fault that he is an alcoholic, its his partners fault for staying with him and his fault for drinking.

sorry that you will not be attending, as you can imagine i wish to keep toxic people and alcoholics out of my wedding. Thank you :D:D Oh i wish i would have the guts to write that if i was you Haha

Sparklyring · 06/07/2020 09:57

I think you've gone about it all wrong, you can't invite half of a family. We were really struct about who we invited, none of my Dads side etc but you can't miss one person out of a family of 4 out.

Veganforlife · 06/07/2020 10:00

I think you are totally in the wrong,you could of made things very difficult for the wife and children,obviously that type of man was not going to allow them to go with out them.
I think you should invite the husband as well ..you have put someone you care about in a difficult situation

BacklashStarts · 06/07/2020 10:00

You were trying to do a nice thing, don’t feel too bad. If I were partner I would have either already have told him - before kids - or have already said no.

TinySongstress · 06/07/2020 10:00

Very bold move.

I hope this hasn't caused too much trouble for your Uncle's partner.

Original poster
Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 06/07/2020 10:00

@Wyntersdiary that’s a genius response Wink

OP posts:
Josette77 · 06/07/2020 10:02

I think that was an awful way to go about it.Why did you think that would work?

minemineminemine · 06/07/2020 10:05

It's your wedding 🤷‍♀️ you get to invite who the hell you like.
But they have the option to say no.

I wouldn't have invited the uncle either. Sounds vile.
Surely it didn't come as a surprise to them given his track record?

GreenTulips · 06/07/2020 10:07

I think you need to focus on why you are getting married, and who too and not worry about witnesses.

Your uncle would spoil your day - you have given your aunt and cousins the option of attending, which is a nice gesture. They choose not to come.
That’s their choice.

Hurt or not, there are consequences to actions - him being an alcoholic/racist = no invite

I’d message

Sorry you can’t attend. Thanks for letting me know. See you soon. X

I doubt it’s a shock to her to be honest it won’t be the first time they’ve not been invited, don’t bow down to blackmail

heartsonacake · 06/07/2020 10:10

That was very silly of you. You can’t just invite 3/4 of a family and expect no repercussions.

It’s either you invite all them or none of them.

Wecandothis99 · 06/07/2020 10:16

Can't believe you're surprised at that