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Original poster

Family refusing to come to my wedding

60 replies

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 06/07/2020 09:16

A bit of a strange one. I’m having a very small wedding next year and have decided to invite friends and only family members we are close to. Having thought about it, I’m not close to any of the male members in my family- my dad used to beat my mum up, my brother is also abusive, I have uncles I never speak to and one of my uncles is a full blown alcoholic who is always nasty to people when he’s drunk. However, the alcoholic uncle has a lovely partner and 2 young daughters who I’m close to so I explained the situation (told a little white lie and said I was trying to keep costs down rather than singling him out) and still invited the partner and cousins. Initially they said they would come and the kids got very excited about it then I got a text message last night saying that they won’t now attend without the alcoholic uncle. I tried calling them but they kept cancelling my calls and I heard through another family member that that the uncle had the kids in tears and told them they couldn’t go to my wedding without him.

I’m absolutely distraught to be honest and wondered if anyone had any advice or experience of how to cope if family don’t attend a wedding, as I’m now worried I’m going to feel really sad on my wedding day Sad

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 06/07/2020 10:17

OP

The alternative was to not invite any of them.

The wife will understand

Just say thanks

Hoggleludo · 06/07/2020 10:21

Yeah. I agree with other posters

I hate my stepmother. I knew I'd either have to invite both her and my dad. Or neither. So I invited both. I thought about inviting just my dad. But decided against it.

Hoggleludo · 06/07/2020 10:21

Yeah. I agree with other posters

I hate my stepmother. I knew I'd either have to invite both her and my dad. Or neither. So I invited both. I thought about inviting just my dad. But decided against it.

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Weddings
Hoggleludo · 06/07/2020 10:24

Wait. I read your post wrong

I thought you'd invited the kids. But you invited his partner. Who isn't even your family. Then tried to say you've cut costs so aren't inviting everyone. But you've invited the partner of your own family.

How on earth did you think that would ever work.

2020in2020 · 06/07/2020 10:29

Focusing on the question you asked, not how you went about it, i I’ve been there. At our wedding, we told FIL he was welcome, but OW was not, due to respect to MIL.

FIL decided not only to not attend, he told all his side of the family that we had told him he wasn’t welcome at the wedding. We received a nasty letter and abusive text messages telling us to “grow up” from the uncle and cousins. None of them attended. Instead, we were able to invite some very close family friends who we had previously only been able to invite to the evening do.

I was worried DH would be sad but he said afterward he actually felt it was better as there was no stress worrying if MIL and FIL would argue or there would be tension caused or snide remarks from FIL’s relatives. So although it is sad, try and think about it that way, you can now focus on your day without worrying.

TowelHoarder · 06/07/2020 10:30

I think the usual way is to invite or not invite class’s of people, so you either invite all kids or no kids, all cousins or no cousins but you can’t invite a wife and not a husband.

Remember no one has to come to your wedding, so just carry on as if they said they already had a holiday booked on the date or some such, you’ll have a better day without him there than with anyway.

differentnameforthis · 06/07/2020 10:32

TBH it is odd that you invited your uncle's partner and kids, but said so because of costs. I can see how that would raise suspicions with him.

Stop calling. She has no declined because he is making it impossible for her to attend, you constantly calling could be putting her in further bother with him.

Know that he isn't abusive when drunk he is abusive all the time, the alcohol makes it harder to mask.

I fully understand your reasoning, however, all you did was make it awkward for them. It may have felt harsh for her, but that is the reality she has to live with, seeing as she is with an abusive racist drunk.

Georgielovespie · 06/07/2020 10:40

I don't agree with everyone saying you should have invited them all or none. You are showing that you don't approve of alcoholic abusive uncle but do like his partner and children.

It is their choice not to attend. My SIL's wedding deliberately left out one of the groom's brothers because of his violent outbursts but his child did attend the wedding.

What followed was everyone breathing a sigh of relief that the brother hadn't spolied the church service by turning up but he more than made up for it when he crashed the reception, caused a fight (by hitting a female guest who did nothing, just wanted a pile on by bystanders) and the police were called. So that is not even inviting someone you know is going to cause problems, and they still did.

OP I would text back and say you are very sad that they cannot attend the wedding and leave it at that. She is choosing to stay with him, she is the one who has to live with him day in and day out and his alcohol abuse and temper.

Original poster
Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 06/07/2020 10:46

@Georgielovespie that sounds horrendous. Thing is, my uncle has upset so many people and showed himself up at countless family do’s so I didn’t want to take the risk at my wedding. I thought I was being nice inviting his partner and my cousins (mainly for my cousins to be honest) but I suppose I just need to move on and accept their decision, even though it hurts.

OP posts:
stressedhousebuyer · 06/07/2020 10:59

I think you're fully entitled to invite ex actor who you want and for whatever reasons you want, however it's unreasonable to expect them to go. They can make their own decisions and you just have to go with it. Whoever RSVPs and goes enjoy their company and your wedding rather than inviting everyone and feeling on edge incase someone behaves out of line

popsydoodle4444 · 06/07/2020 11:03

I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to invite toxic people to your wedding;it's your day and your paying for it.Weddings always seem to bring out the worst in families.If I was your uncle's partner I'd tell him I was going with the kids not let him dictate to me what I can and cannot do but it sounds as though he's a real bully.

2 years ago some good friends got married;their business partner insisted on being best man;he bullied them into it.He's a known alcoholic.The night before the wedding he was drinking until the early hours then started drinking again mid morning;he was shitfaced by the time the wedding took place;the grooms brother had to step in as best man and it was obvious he wasn't supposed to be as his suit didn't match the grooms.

The drunken idiot spend most of time asleep on the sofa but decided he was going to give his best mans speech which was horrible.Because he was drunk it was slurred and derogatory,the grooms mum was in tears and the grooms step dad left the venue to prevent himself from punching the drunken idiot.

Rainbowshine · 06/07/2020 11:05

I think you have had an absence of thought here. You are well aware of how he behaves in public so can easily assume he’s worse behind closed doors.

I guess he found out about it and got angry/abusive at her and to keep the peace she’s not able to come. I think you could have thought it through a lot more in terms of the impact the partial invitation would have, and that it could provoke an adverse reaction towards the partner.

Good luck with the wedding.

Georgielovespie · 06/07/2020 11:12

@Bluemooninmyeyes1 obvioulsy it is going to hurt but I bet you would rather have a nice wedding than spend it worrying your uncle is going to kick off.

I have been to several weddings, most of them completely lovely and the occasional one where something awful happens due to someone's behaviour like the bride's sister heckling the groom when he was giving his speech. She was just an attention seeking drama queen and always had been, hence why although a bridesmaid she was seated far away from the top table.

So you don't want that. Instead make it known to the partner and the children that you are there for them if they need a break/to talk/help leaving, but for your wedding, just enjoy the day. I had someone we really wanted to come not come due to not being able to miss work/money/twat of a boss but that was 20 years ago now, I have lovely memories of my wedding. Be kind to yourself. Focus on the positives.

Jeremyironsnothing · 06/07/2020 11:19

The poor wife is probably in denial about how people really feel about her husband. Rightly or wrongly she chooses to stay with him.

This invite, whilst not done with malicious intent, has damaged her and her choices, by both pointing out that no one likes him and his behaviour and thereby making her face up to the fact her choice of partner is crap, and also by putting her in the path of her husband's wrath.

So whilst I understand why you did it, it's created problems for her that she might not really want to face. She can bury and self justify the reasons why she stays with him. You've forced her to confront this feelings. And probably caused arguments between them to boot.

saraclara · 06/07/2020 11:26

I'm astonished that you thought that would work. It's bizarre that you didn't see what that would do to their family dynamic. You've probably caused your aunt and cousins huge grief. Because he's going to have taken it out on them, without a doubt.

Seriously, such a weird thing for you to do.

pictish · 06/07/2020 11:44

I think it was an ill thought out move too. There’s no way he was going to take that lying down and cheerily wave them off on the day. By the same token how weird would it be for her to set off with the kids in all their wedding finery leaving him sitting at home alone. He may be a fuckwit but he’s still her husband and lives in her home.
I am quite sure he has been very unpleasant to his family about all of this. That’s not your fault of course, he is entirely responsible for his own behaviour, but you might have predicted this wasn’t going to be a goer.

I don’t think you thought it through.

MorningJuly · 06/07/2020 11:53

You were right not to invite him. Not sure you should have invited his wife and daughters, perhaps you should have spoken to his wife and not invited any of them.

ChicCroissant · 06/07/2020 11:54

Is this a reverse? I'm finding it hard to believe that you were not being deliberately divisive if it isn't, OP. You've put them in a very difficult situation and if the intention was to 'show up' the person excluded I don't think it's had that effect.

MashedPotatoBrainz · 06/07/2020 11:57

While I completely understand why you don't want him there, inviting his partner and kids only is really bad form and you've put her in a awful position. I just hope she doesn't have to pay the price of your ill thought out decision.

EL8888 · 06/07/2020 12:00

Your wedding = your way. The way you describe your uncle then l wouldn’t invite him either. You aren’t rude, you just don’t want someone who acts like that at your wedding. But l know people rarely ever want to look at their own behaviour Hmm. The comments about putting your aunt and others in danger are rather dramatic / amusing over reaction. People behave they want to behave, it’s not a shame you are unwilling to suck up his bad behaviour

BackforGood · 06/07/2020 12:05

Agree with everyone else.
I wouldn't have invited him either, but it was never going to work, inviting his partner (who isn't really related to you) and not him, and then lying about it being to do with cost. That just made no sense.

If you feel his partner is now a friend of yours, and wanted her to be there, you needed to have had that conversation with her first, and have been honest with her.
"Jane, I'm not having Bob at my wedding, due to his behaviour at previous family functions. I'm not having people who will get drunk and insult other guests. That's not open for discussion. I understand he is your partner and you love him and put up with that for all the other qualities he has, but he's not coming to my wedding. I feel we have become close over the years, and would love for you and the dc to come, but I don't want to put you in a difficult position. Do you want to have a think about it and let me know if you feel you and the dc will be able to come, and I'll get the formal invitation to you if you can. Obviously I don't want to mention it to the dc if you aren't all able to come" would have been a good conversation to have before a) sending formal invitations and b) mentioning it in front of the dc.

You've gone about it all wrong.

CuppaZa · 06/07/2020 12:10

I see why you wouldn’t want him there, but you either invite all of them or none of them I’m afraid. He sounds like a prize prick, but I can’t believe you invited his wife and kids and not him Shock

Think you’d better prepare for the money of them’ option

CuppaZa · 06/07/2020 12:10

None of them

PurBal · 06/07/2020 12:12

I totally understand your reasons not to invite your uncle but like PP I would have invited them all. There are numerous reasons why people may not be able to or choose not to attend a wedding and for your uncles partner and cousins this is the reason. I had someone cancel the day before, life happens.

loutypips · 06/07/2020 12:17

You should've just invited the cousins if they are old enough to attend by themselves. Tbh, if someone invited me and my dd and not my partner then none of us would go. When it's a family unit, it's not fair to exclude one (even with valid reason) and you've probably put the partner and children in an awful situation that could have repercussions for them.

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