I am having a shit time in lockdown with my mother and need some help

[waytheleaveswork]

I've been living with my parents since Aug 2018 while I got a divorce. I have bought a flat and I am moving out in about 6 weeks.

Mum has found lock down very difficult - she has low self-esteem, cannot be alone, and uses me as a bit of an emotional punch bag. I have tried to be very understanding and I am very grateful for the low rent and her letting me live there etc.

Things have been escalating - constant criticism, passive aggressive comments, she blew up last week as I left a cup out in the kitchen. I went to stay in a hotel for a few days (i'm a keyworker) to give us all some space. She finds it impossible to ever apologise or speak to me like an adult.

So now I am back home, just trying to get through it day by day, but I feel really low and on edge. She is behaving as if nothing has happened and if I seem sad she will take that as me 'holding a grudge'.

To finish my house move, I need to borrow 2k to cover solicitor fees. I am worried this will give her more power and I am wondering whether to get a credit card/ extend my overdraft rather than borrow from her. But if I don't borrow from her she will be angry.

Please help. I'm tired and stuck.

You are an adult, finance your move whatever way you can without asking her for money. Why does she know you need the money in the first place?

Definitely do not borrow money from her, find another way.

It sounds like her behaviour is escalating because you're about to leave and she's angry that you're escaping. It's only 6 weeks. You can keep your head down and stay calm until then, once you're out safely into your own house then you will probably need to reset the boundaries on your relationship with her. And please don't give her a key for your new place! That's your sanctuary.

She knows I am a bit short as I had to pay a higher deposit last minute. Before things escalated, we agreed I would borrow 2k and pay her back over the next 12months.

A clean break would be easiest for both of you, she might be offering the money so she can use it as a stick to beat you with.

It doesn't matter if she's angry, you're an adult and you can do what you want. Her emotions are not your problem. Have you read 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'? That might help you to see her behaviour clearly and help you to emotionally break away from being her punchbag.

You might get more responses if you get this post moved to the Relationships board. There's lots of posters there who can advise on dealing with difficult parents.

Is borrowing the money from her going to make you feel obligated to put up with her shit in the future and less likely to have firm boundaries with her? If yes then don’t borrow the money.

Interest free credit card??? They’re a usually some with interest free for a year xx

Don't borrow the money from her. Just tell her you found a couple of grand in an account you'd forgotten you had/won a prize/anything but don't let her have this hold over you. You are a grown up capabel of making yor own decisions and iti snon of her business if you borrwo themoney commercially. Her behaviour is not kind, loving nor normal for a mother. Can you imagine treating your own child like that?

Thanks all.

You have inspired me to a) extend my overdraft and b) apply for my first credit card.

I keep thinking that at some point she will change but she isn't going to.

My other issue is she has said she wants to give me a gift of £1k towards moving/ buying furniture.

Do I accept this, or find a way to say no graciously? Is that different to borrowing money?

You just say “that’s so kind, I don’t need it at the moment but thank you so much for the offer”

@waytheleaveswork

My other issue is she has said she wants to give me a gift of £1k towards moving/ buying furniture.

Do I accept this, or find a way to say no graciously? Is that different to borrowing money?

This depends on how you will feel after. A true gift is given without expectations or strings attached.

Do you think your accepting the money will give your mum expectations (eg will she throw it in your face if you don’t visit her etc).

To be honest, not accepting the gift isn't going to change her behaviour.

I definitely won't borrow any from her though.

She will be difficult either way. I just don't want to be a hypocrite and take the gift and pretend everything is fine.

Everything IS fine. You are deciding how you want to interact and how you want to manage your money. You get to choose because your life belongs to you.

Personally I would not take the 1k.

I don't like to have anything held over me and my mum has form for bringing 'gifts' and 'kind gestures' out when airing her grievances.

You'll hear about it either way so I usually choose the option that gives her least power over me, makes her sound like she is the Goblin King in Labrinth

Thanks. It's all so exhausting - if I take the money, I feel less independant, and if I don't, I feel like I am being spiteful.

and the 1k is the difference between being able to buy basic furniture and give it a lick of paint, versus eating on the floor for a few months...

Everyone eats in the floor for a few months when they buy their home. How can it be spiteful to say you don’t need the money?

I guess because it feels mean to refuse a gift of money that I clearly need?

I think refusing a gift is rude and likely to upset your mother. Take it and treat it as the present her nice side means you to have.

Frankly anything OP does will upset her mother.

If I were in that situation I'd take the money, and work on my self-esteem once out of mum's influence.

@Tavannach

I think refusing a gift is rude and likely to upset your mother. Take it and treat it as the present her nice side means you to have.

this is a good point about her 'nice side', she does have one tbf!

you don’t need the money, it will get you furniture when you move In that you can manage without till you’ve saved for it like the vast majority of house owners. You can do it independently or get help from your mother and be grateful. Given you aren’t getting on I would imagine feeling even more obliged to her won’t help.

It’s hard relying on yourself but it does give you the freedom to interact with people without the baggage of them propping you up.

Yes I totally agree - I am fully prepared to do it on my own. I am a very independent person, it's just getting the balance right with her at the moment because it is rocky.

And I have saved, bought all my furniture before, but she knows I don't have anything now because my ex kept it all.

Oh god I really feel for you op. I wouldn’t take any money off her. I think people who are saying you should possibly havent had an experience like yours. You’re going to feel so much better when you move out and it’s best if you have the least ties as possible.

For the 2K solicitor fees I would tell her you've now got the lender to agree to add it to the mortgage or something like that.

The gift might be easier but then again, if you're putting 2K on a credit card you could always make it 3 and steer clear of any feeling of indebtedness.

Yes I will definitely not be borrowing the money.

I guess I need to give the gift part more thought.