I am having a shit time in lockdown with my mother and need some help

[waytheleaveswork]

I've been living with my parents since Aug 2018 while I got a divorce. I have bought a flat and I am moving out in about 6 weeks.

Mum has found lock down very difficult - she has low self-esteem, cannot be alone, and uses me as a bit of an emotional punch bag. I have tried to be very understanding and I am very grateful for the low rent and her letting me live there etc.

Things have been escalating - constant criticism, passive aggressive comments, she blew up last week as I left a cup out in the kitchen. I went to stay in a hotel for a few days (i'm a keyworker) to give us all some space. She finds it impossible to ever apologise or speak to me like an adult.

So now I am back home, just trying to get through it day by day, but I feel really low and on edge. She is behaving as if nothing has happened and if I seem sad she will take that as me 'holding a grudge'.

To finish my house move, I need to borrow 2k to cover solicitor fees. I am worried this will give her more power and I am wondering whether to get a credit card/ extend my overdraft rather than borrow from her. But if I don't borrow from her she will be angry.

Please help. I'm tired and stuck.

Only you know your Mum here, we don't..
You have said she has found lockdown difficult, so things have been tense and probably you have both been irritating each other

Regarding the gift of money, has she previously offered gifts without strings or has there been a negative history that has caused you regret?

My own mother would have been very critical of me leaving a cup out of place in her own home, but was very generous when I was in a similar situation to you

@Singinginshower

Only you know your Mum here, we don't.. You have said she has found lockdown difficult, so things have been tense and probably you have both been irritating each other

Regarding the gift of money, has she previously offered gifts without strings or has there been a negative history that has caused you regret?

My own mother would have been very critical of me leaving a cup out of place in her own home, but was very generous when I was in a similar situation to you

Good point - she gave me £500 when I moved into my last house, and she didn't use it as a power play.

The kitchen hysteria over cups seems separate to that.

With my Mum, the cup placement etc seems to be an OCD thing, she wants to control her own environment, and finds it really hard to have people to stay, because we put the tea towels away wrongly, use the wrong plates etc etc. I've learned not to take it personally.

It's a bit more than control over her environment - she takes any action I do that isn't what she wants as a sign that I am being intentionally thoughtless, and will then become really, really angry. She always assumes the worst of me (that I left the cup out because I don't care about her having a tidy kitchen) rather than the truth (that I was rushing out the door and didn't have time to put it away).

She is never able to apologise for these outbursts or see why her way of communicating is unpleasant.

I'm glad you're not accepting the loan from your Mum . Credit cards can offer a lifeline and although repayments can be hard to meet , on top of mortgage payments , it will be so worth it .
I'd happily accept the gifted £1k though , as it's coming from her good side .
Happy moving day , and I hope all your best dreams come true in your new home.
P.s. Do not let your Mum have access to or possession of your house keys . E v e r .

If you accept her gift for the furniture, do you get to choose what you want or does she have input and get huffy if you don’t accept her choices? (This becomes her marking her territory in your house...)

Can you do any overtime? Earn a bit more money, explains why you don't need to borrow as much and gets you out of the house!

Accept the gift. Get an interest free credit card for the rest. Let the unreasonableness go over your head. You know it's unreasonable, so make it her problem, not yours.

I wouldn't take the money now when things are fraught with lockdown. Perhaps you can say you want to decide what you need before borrowing so want to live in the place a while first. Then see how relationship is after a few months apart and maybe take the money then if all is well.

She sounds abusive, not someone who struggles with low self esteem. I'd be willing to bet that she got 'very, very angry' and 'blew up' at you as a child, when you hadn't done anything wrong.

She wants YOU to lack self-esteem so you are dependent on her and she can continue to abuse you some more.

Thanks all.

I can't do extra work as I am a full time teacher.

She has always been like this, but she doesn't have form for using gifts as a form of control, so maybe accepting the gift would be ok.

I really appreciate all the replies, as I am too knackered to think.

I think you want the gift but don’t want the loan.

@Itisbetter

I think you want the gift but don’t want the loan.

Yes you're right I think.

Isn't it a bit shit for me to accept money from her when she makes me feel so shit? I feel like a dog that has been kicked repeatedly and then gets fed by its owner.

Is it possible that £1000 is a bit of stretch for her now? Maybe try and discuss it with her when she's in a better mood. Suggest buying something useful instead if that suits her better.
With the constant criticism I'd just say I don't like the way you're talking to me just now and if necessary walk out of the room.

I would rather sit on the floor myself but I think it’s up to you. Does it have to be a big thing? Can you just do what feels right and accept it might not be right in the end. Be a bit nicer to yourself. You’re trying. It’s enough. Honestly it’s more than enough.

Thanks - the 1k is something she suggested and is financially well off enough to give

Agree I need to be a bit nicer to myself and accept it's not going to be perfect.