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Original poster

DH in hospital, DCs just want me to tell them everything will be OK

37 replies

UltimateWednesday · 04/07/2020 15:59

But I don't know if it will.

Waiting on a diagnosis but doctors are going quite grave, some scary words being mentioned.

DC are 17 & 19 so not little and generally sensible rational enough. I can see their eyes begging me to say everything will be OK, but I've never made them a promise I couldn't keep.

I don't know what to say to them Sad They're good lads but I'm very aware they are at a prime "going off the rails" age, especially if faced with a big trauma.

OP posts:
madwoman1ntheattic · 04/07/2020 16:12

Oh lovely. At the moment you just have to be calm (fine to be upset and worried, but try to keep it together) and supportive - you’re worried but we just have to see. At those ages I wouldn’t try to be hiding anything or reassuring - honesty and reassurance that you are there is better. They may ‘want’ you to tell them it will all be fine, but it’s not going to help saying that if it isn’t true. You may find that once you all know what you are dealing with, the three of you can support each other and dh. In the interim, do you have someone you can talk to yourself? So you can unload a bit more without frightening them but get support yourself?
I hope they get to the bottom of what’s going on with dh and put together some treatments that allow you all to rest a little easier.

CaptainCallisto · 04/07/2020 16:12

What an awful time you must be having Wednesday - unmumsnetty hugs for you.

My dad was very poorly when I was a similar age (16) and I will forever be grateful to my mum that she didn't lie and tell us it would all be fine. As it turned out, dad got through it, but it was touch and go for a while (we were told at one point that he wouldn't live to see morning). If it's likely that they may need to say their goodbyes, or dad will be different afterwards, they need time to get their heads around it and prepare themselves. Mum said it was one of the hardest things she ever had to do, but I don't think I could have faced what we did if she'd told me he was going to be fine beforehand. They're old enough now to handle it and, as much as you want to protect them from it, hiding the severity of things won't help them deal with what's to come Flowers

Bloodybridget · 04/07/2020 16:14

I'm so sorry. I think your boys are old enough to be told the truth, in a gentle way - you really can't say everything will be OK if there's a strong chance it won't. Reassure them that their dad will be getting excellent care.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Millie2013 · 04/07/2020 16:18

I’m being very presumptuous in recommending this, but I’m sure many of the principles apply for other conditions. Macmillan have a good booklet about talking to children and teenagers about cancer and we recommend it at work

Some of it may be a little too “young” for your two, but it might be worth checking out

Flowers because it sounds like an incredibly difficult time for you all

AIMD · 04/07/2020 16:22

So sorry to hear you’re going through this.

I think you have to be as honest as possible with them. Often the unknown can be scarier than the known. Be direct in asking them how they feel to and be clear they can ask anything they need.

Do they have someone else close and reliable to talk to other than you, like an uncle or family friend. Just wondering if they might benefit from having someone else to talk to in case they don’t want to upset you by talking to you.

Sending lots of love.

billy1966 · 04/07/2020 16:26

God Help you OP, very scary.

I think you have to tell them you are hoping for tge best and that's all you can do.

I very strongly believe that the truth is better.
Told gently for sure, but the truth nonetheless.

You are really hoping for the best.

That's all you can do.
If the medical team can't assure you, then sadly you cant assure anyone.

Wishing you well.Flowers🤞🤞🙏🙏

Ginger1982 · 04/07/2020 16:36

Be honest. My dad took cancer and died when I was 13. My mum was always honest with me right from the start.

Gingaaarghpussy · 04/07/2020 16:45

When my mother was diagnosed with mnd, I was the only one in my family to tell my kids right from the start. Ds1 was 16 and ds2 was 8, fortunately mnd association had age appropriate blurb to go over with both of them.
The rest of the family ignored it until it became too obvious. My approach wasnt very popular cuz you know, kids dont tend to lie a d every one else wanted to be ostriches.

UggyPow · 04/07/2020 16:54

I don’t know if your are referring to a terminal diagnosis or a lifelong limiting condition. My experience is of a terminal diagnosis - My children were 11 & 9 - we made the decisions together, initially there was a little hope so we scaled it for their ages. At first very ill but Dr’s we’re doing all that they could.
6 months later our world crashed around us as he was given 8 Weeks & so told the the fuller picture but without the timeframe. Someone else told my older child anyway (by accident) - he actually lived another 11 months anyway & it was precious time.
I would only say there is lots of support out there & by being honest you allow them to make their own choices about creating memories & things like being involved/helping -but also about getting access to the right support.
It’s hard but also if they don’t know they can’t support you.
If your situation is similar then I remember it was all a whirlwind - so I would say stop take breath & then talk it through with DH/P

teaandcustardcreamsx · 04/07/2020 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenPlum · 04/07/2020 17:10

I think you can say you'll just take one day at a time and whatever happens, you'll cope. You will. xx

user187428496 · 04/07/2020 17:13

You need to give them accurate information. Don't lie to them and don't keep them in the dark.

Given you can't magic it all away to being honest with them is the least bad option. Being misled/kept in the dark will only make the impact worse for them.

There is evidence that suggests that whether or not a traumatic experience results in long term difficulties or PTSD and/or the severity of subsequent difficulties is linked to how you were treated by those around you as it happened/immediately afterwards.

They need to be able to trust you, and they need to know what is going on. They will feel more frightened and out of control if they don't know or if you lie to them.

Original poster
UltimateWednesday · 04/07/2020 17:17

We dont know anything at the moment so there's still hope that it could all be OK, not helped by the fact that I'm not allowed in the hospital, so I'm hearing all this second had from DH, who is obviously traumatised and not taking it all in/doesn't want to tell me all the details.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 04/07/2020 17:34

Aw OP. Flowers

Just tell them everything you know. They are old enough.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 04/07/2020 17:47

Be honest, you’ve invested a lot in their trust and that is worth protecting.

Wishing your husband a speedy recovery.

ThickFast · 04/07/2020 18:28

God it must be unbearable for you to be so worried yourself and just want to take their worry away too. But honesty is the only way, they’ll figure it out anyway.

yeOldeTrout · 04/07/2020 18:32

I would go factual. This is what happened, this is what we know for sure, and this is what they are checking on.
Most the things they are checking for won't come true, the health professionals just have to rule out the worst case scenarios first, so they check for worst things first. It's not like they think that worst case is most likely.

Hang in there.

Fatted · 04/07/2020 18:42

My kids are younger. My DSIS has terminal cancer. We have kept it truthful, factual and age appropriate. Information has been drip fed as the need arises. We wanted them to know what was happening so they didn't get false information/overhear something from another relative.

Your DC are of an age where they can find out information for themselves on the internet. So you can't really control what they know and if you try to spare their feelings you will be quickly caught out. It is best to give them the facts and then perhaps you can all do some research together.

1990shopefulftm · 04/07/2020 18:49

Be honest with them, it will be better in the long run for them, no one was with me with my dad when he died I was 9 (so I had quite the difficulty trusting anyone for a long while. Any serious family illnesses/terminal diagnosis since they have been and honestly it helped me to deal knowing what the best and worst case scenarios were so when the worse came it wasn't such a shock.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 04/07/2020 19:10

Oh OP, I hope everything goes well for your DH.

I think this is when you have to trust each other - you have to trust your big lads with the truth and you have to trust that they will lean on each other and you, and you'll get through whatever happens together. This isn't a time for worrying about them going off the rails, this is a time for truth and for love. Which goes both ways.

Can you call the ward and ask for an update from the charge nurse? Or to speak to the dr in the morning? It's so very difficult getting it second hand especially as your DH is likely to be in shock.

2bazookas · 04/07/2020 19:41

a far worse trauma would be false assurances that everything is going to be okay, then being unprepared and utterly shocked when a parent changes forever or dies . Before that happens, they need time, support, and to ask all the questions they want.

You can get some professional advice on talking to and preparing children. Try MacMillan cancer care website and hospices etc.

BambooWhoosh · 07/07/2020 14:15

Have you got any updates from your DH @UltimateWednesday ?

mindutopia · 07/07/2020 14:35

I hope you have received news by now and have been able to talk to them. I would really urge you to be sensitive, but completely honest with them.

My dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer when I was 18. He had very little time left and no one told me. I was told he had cancer and was starting treatment (it was presumably to prolong his life rather than to get rid of the cancer, but I was a teenager so I had no idea). No one ever said he wouldn't survive or gave me any sort of reasonable expectation of how long he had to live. They just didn't want to give me bad news.

He died 4 weeks after the diagnosis. He drove himself to hospital (parents were divorced so we didn't live together) and by the time someone called me the next day, he was no longer conscious. I never got time to prepare or say goodbye or do anything I would have wanted to do if I'd known he only had a few weeks left to live. At that age, teens really can handle it and it's normal if they need to blow off some steam and get angry and all of that. But it's always better to know what to expect than to have a sad outcome be a surprise. If things go better than expected, which I hope they do, then even better.

Original poster
UltimateWednesday · 07/07/2020 14:40

He's been told it's a cancerous tumour, case conference today to decide what the treatment should be, so waiting on a call.

They know as much as we do, but they want me to say "everything will be OK" which I'm not prepared to do, just "doctors can do amazing things" etc.

DS1 is being quite blase "you only need one kidney". DS2 says he's OK but is a 17yo boy who has barely eaten since Sat!

OP posts:
Wilberforce1 · 07/07/2020 14:48

Oh @UltimateWednesday I’m so sorry to hear that, fingers crossed it’s completely treatable. Sending lots of love.