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Original poster

Is this financial abuse?

40 replies

AnonUser2018 · 03/07/2020 23:58

Dh earns the majority of the money, by far. Always has done. I have a low paid p/t term-time job. Been together 12 years, married for 8, two children in primary school.

He doesn't let me have any access to our money. He pays money into my bank account (always had separate bank accounts) once or twice a month when I ask/need it. He's never says no but frowns and tuts sometimes if it goes over £1k in a month. Since I got my job last year its more like £300 - £800 per month.

I don't pay any household bills or mortgage (though am named on the joint mortgage... Mumsnet made sure I did that 8 years ago) but do pay for my own car, car insurance, associated costs, all food and clothes for whole family, birthday presents etc.

Just wondered what MN thought? He's on a good salary but it pisses me off that he doesn't ever let me know how much money we have. I have no idea. When I ask he just replies "enough". Hmm

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 04/07/2020 00:03

It's not a partnership. He's not sharing information. What else isn't he sharing?

Babesinthewud · 04/07/2020 00:05

Sounds like it to me? As the pp says, it’s not a partnership of you don’t know how much money you have between you?

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 04/07/2020 00:06

Yes.

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General money
AbsolutePleasure · 04/07/2020 00:08

It's a form of control.

Original poster
AnonUser2018 · 04/07/2020 00:08

I know how much he earns. But not his outgoings or savings. Just know he is amazing at savings and we never go without (or I'd have had strong words years ago!!).

His ex-wife fleeced him and had a debt problem. Racked loads of money up on catalogues and credit cards he knew nothing about til she left him. So I can understand him being wary, but 12 years down the line, married for 8 and two kids? Nah. He should know me better by now (pretty sensible, no debts or credit cards).

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonUser2018 · 04/07/2020 00:08

@thistimelastweek

It's not a partnership. He's not sharing information. What else isn't he sharing?
I trust him in all other areas.
OP posts:
Original poster
AnonUser2018 · 04/07/2020 00:09

@Babesinthewud

Sounds like it to me? As the pp says, it’s not a partnership of you don’t know how much money you have between you?
No idea how much we have in savings.
OP posts:
blue25 · 04/07/2020 00:10

Can you not get a full time and better job? Why are you relying on his money? He sounds like he’s stashing money away to me for his future.

Quartz2208 · 04/07/2020 00:12

You pay for all food clothes and presents

Yes of course it is he should know better he doesn’t trust you

Original poster
AnonUser2018 · 04/07/2020 00:16

@blue25

Can you not get a full time and better job? Why are you relying on his money? He sounds like he’s stashing money away to me for his future.
Not with very few skills and qualifications and two young children, no. I'm working on it though Smile Worked full time from when I left school age 16 (so only have GCSE's). Then had kids at age 32+ but had six years out of working to be at home with them. Live in a small rural town so getting there slowly re building back up to full time work.
OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 04/07/2020 00:19

Exwife? She isn't you. You aren't her. So why are you eating her dirt?

Babesinthewud · 04/07/2020 00:24

It’s hard to know for sure OP as I personally find the concept of a married couple having separate finances, frankly bizarre.

To me getting married braces sharing you’re life and all that comes with it with your partner.

I know many people have separate accounts and one pays xyz abd the other pays abc.

Again though, I find it a strange concept. There’s always going to be a main earner so the thought of their wealth being theirs only, imo, it was pointless getting married. Why aren’t they joint??

Team work is how I’d describe a marriage and someone keeping all their savings separate seems odd to me. As you say though, he does buy things you need etc but still, you’re his equal and shouldn’t have to ask.

Perhaps this is where the power comes from?

Imo it’s about respect and both being equal in the relationship, despite one person earning more. Seems selfish imo as a pp says. It’s like he’s keeping it for a rainy day and even if that includes for you, well you’re not a child.

TheresALight · 04/07/2020 00:31

How do you know he's amazing at saving if you don't know how much you have saved? Is it even in a joint account?
'Not going without' doesn't mean anything, he could be buying everything on credit or with loans that you know nothing about.

Original poster
AnonUser2018 · 04/07/2020 00:37

@TheresALight

How do you know he's amazing at saving if you don't know how much you have saved? Is it even in a joint account? 'Not going without' doesn't mean anything, he could be buying everything on credit or with loans that you know nothing about.
I just know him. Doesn't do credit cards or tick, never has, whole family the same. Buys second hand cars outright at £10k a pop. Have had work done on the house all paid in one go. Won't touch finance unless it's 0% and short term.

We go abroad once a year normally which costs circa £3k no qualms. He tellsme he always has enough for rainy days. I know how much the mortgage is, and bills roughly, just not savings.

He has a great pension and life insurance.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonUser2018 · 04/07/2020 00:38

Oh. No joint account. I have my own personal one he pays into (plus kids savings). He's always saud anything I earn is mine.

OP posts:
Goingdownto · 04/07/2020 00:44

Sorry you pay for all the food for four people out of this money?

derta · 04/07/2020 00:58

How much do you have a month in total & how much does he have?

Apileofballyhoo · 04/07/2020 01:08

What's your pension situation?

What money do you have for spending on yourself? Your clothes, toiletries, haircuts?

Who pays for things the children need?

Do you have savings?

Do you have a hobby? Does he have a hobby?

Can you afford to meet friends and family for days out/ meals etc? Can he?

BarbaraofSeville · 04/07/2020 03:46

He has a great pension and life insurance

And what about you? What's your pension like? Do you earn enough to pay national insurance or are at least getting credits linked to child benefit. Are there any savings, investments or pensions in your name, because there should be. It's also likely to be tax efficient to spread things around.

He should be more transparent about everything. A joint account for bills, so you can see what's going on and savings in both names. Agree that he should trust you not to spend the savings like his ex did by now. Have you discussed this point with him, that you're upset that he doesn't seem to trust you?

Also you should be able to spend money on yourself, and not have all your money going on family stuff.

Finally, is there life insurance for you? If you died he would need to juggle work and looking after DC, so could have substantial childcare costs or simply might not be able to continue with his existing role if it involves time away. On the other hand, if he died, you would need to start managing the family finances yourself so need to know what money is where for this eventuality.

Original poster
AnonUser2018 · 04/07/2020 09:18

@Goingdownto

Sorry you pay for all the food for four people out of this money?
Yes. Shop at Aldi. Dh pays for occasional takeaways /meals out/odd top up shops/alcohol (though I get some in shopping too).
OP posts:
Original poster
AnonUser2018 · 04/07/2020 09:23

@derta

How much do you have a month in total & how much does he have?
I earn £500 a month + child health benefit of £140. Topped up by dh by £300 - £800 depending on what's happening. So total £1440 max. Sometimes it'll just be £940 if no birthdays and I've not gone out or bought new clothes etc

Suspect dh earns £3k ish a month. Mortgage is £700 a month. Not sure on bills as never been involved. Know he has savings, think he puts around £1k a month in.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonUser2018 · 04/07/2020 09:29

@Apileofballyhoo

What's your pension situation?

What money do you have for spending on yourself? Your clothes, toiletries, haircuts?

Who pays for things the children need?

Do you have savings?

Do you have a hobby? Does he have a hobby?

Can you afford to meet friends and family for days out/ meals etc? Can he?

I have a small pension from a previous job. Was a SAHM for 6 years. Now have a small pension from my new job, but it's only a 12 month contract initially.

Only savings I have are "in trust" for the children. I set them up when they were born for all the xmas and birthday money gifts. About £1500 total. That's quite pathetic isn't it?

We split stuff re what children need. I pay for school meals (one still young enough to get free school meals), uniforms, day to day stuff. He pays for music lessons, large or expensive purchases. Christmas mostly covered by him/I get stuff then he reimburses me.

I don't have a hobby apart from socialising and seeing friends. I'm normally out once a week, sometimes twice at friends or at the pub/eating out. He is happy with this of course.

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 04/07/2020 09:29

Could you approach it as needing to know if the worst were to happen?

I agree that it sounds very strange to me. I don’t know how my DH spends his money but we earn very similar amounts and he’d tell me in a heartbeat if I asked. And we pay joint bills out of a joint account. It’s not telling you when you ask that would bother me.

Dragonsanddinosaurs · 04/07/2020 09:30

I wouldn't go as far as saying this is abuse, but it is certainly not fair or reasonable. Have you suggested having a join account, for bills, then both having your own accounts for personal spending? That would seem fair, and give you access to all the joint bills etc. What does he think you would do currently if anything happened to him and you had no idea what needed to be paid and when? It is a ridiculous situation to be in.

Happydaysforever123 · 04/07/2020 09:35

I'd sit down with him, and say calmly that you'd like to know all the details of your financial situation. I'd want to know exactly what his earnings and savings are and work out a joint budget. An amount for all joint food and expenses for the house and children. Then joint savings and an equivalent amount of personal spends for both of you. If he thinks you should work full time then any child care expenses should come out of your joint savings. If he disagrees then I'd seriously rethink my future.