Is this financial abuse?

[AnonUser2018]

Dh earns the majority of the money, by far. Always has done. I have a low paid p/t term-time job. Been together 12 years, married for 8, two children in primary school.

He doesn't let me have any access to our money. He pays money into my bank account (always had separate bank accounts) once or twice a month when I ask/need it. He's never says no but frowns and tuts sometimes if it goes over £1k in a month. Since I got my job last year its more like £300 - £800 per month.

I don't pay any household bills or mortgage (though am named on the joint mortgage... Mumsnet made sure I did that 8 years ago) but do pay for my own car, car insurance, associated costs, all food and clothes for whole family, birthday presents etc.

Just wondered what MN thought? He's on a good salary but it pisses me off that he doesn't ever let me know how much money we have. I have no idea. When I ask he just replies "enough".

@BarbaraofSeville

He has a great pension and life insurance

And what about you? What's your pension like? Do you earn enough to pay national insurance or are at least getting credits linked to child benefit. Are there any savings, investments or pensions in your name, because there should be. It's also likely to be tax efficient to spread things around.

He should be more transparent about everything. A joint account for bills, so you can see what's going on and savings in both names. Agree that he should trust you not to spend the savings like his ex did by now. Have you discussed this point with him, that you're upset that he doesn't seem to trust you?

Also you should be able to spend money on yourself, and not have all your money going on family stuff.

Finally, is there life insurance for you? If you died he would need to juggle work and looking after DC, so could have substantial childcare costs or simply might not be able to continue with his existing role if it involves time away. On the other hand, if he died, you would need to start managing the family finances yourself so need to know what money is where for this eventuality.

Thanks for reminding me I need to sort life insurance out! Been meaning to do it for years. See above reply re: pensions. You're right things like savings and investments should be in joint names

No I don't earn enough to pay NI.

You're also right about if something happened I need to be clued up on bills and things. I've never got involved before.

Yes, you're all right. Need to sit down and go through everything with him. Just hard right now both wfh with two young kids trying to homeschool and everything is so intense.

We agreed I'd only ever work p/t when we decided to have children. I'd hate to work f/t now anyway (not career minded or ambitious and never have been).

Do you want to stay with someone who treats you like a 10 year old ?

It’s not fair and is controlling; I manage the finances in our house but if DH asked I would show him it all immediately and he did have a online log in but I’m not sure it works now as he never used it.
If you ever wanted to leave the marriage he’s making it very difficult. I’m also not keen on the idea of having to ask for money; we discuss big joint expenses but there’s no asking.

I have been in this situation I am shocked to admit as I cannot believe I let it happen.
Previously a good career so obviously handled my own finances, became a sahm and fell in to the pattern of letting my now exh handle all the finances.
Fot years I had no idea where we were financially and unbelievably the child benefit was in his name until I made him change it to mine.
I returned to work as the children got a little older and used all my earnings for household items I wanted, days out and treats for the children, clothes etc.
I was given a set amount monthly for food.
All the while he was building up the savings, or spending them whichever way you look at it....I has no idea where we were financially, how much was coming in or going out etc.
Once we began divorce proceedings I had to become my own forensic accountant and as he was now self employed it was an utter shock to discover what he had been up to financially.
The dull housewife had been shocked in to action and I put up such a fight to receive a fair financially settlement which eventually lasted 5 years going back and forth through the courts.
Do not be me and allow this to continue. Insist he becomes transparent where all things to do with the finances are concerned. You need full access to all details and accounts.
Sort out your pension, you can set up a private one and pay in to it just as he does.
You really need to protect yourself going forward as you simply do know with any certainty whether you will still be together as you reach pensionable age. Prepare for every eventuality please, starting right now.

I’m divorced from my abuser now but there was a lot of financial abuse in my marriage. I think his behaviour is borderline abusive because he is being deliberately cloak and dagger about your finances and doesn’t trust you with what he sees as ‘his money’. Has he ever shown any other controlling tendencies?

It does sound like he has gone a bit overboard with money management following his previous relationship, but that is not an excuse to treat you like a child. It shows a lack of trust at best and a deeply sexist attitude at worst.

What does he say when you talk to him about your family finances? Does he become angry or confrontational?

I think it’s Important to do a bit more digging to find out if this is paranoia on his part or something more sinister.

Do you know where the financial documents kept? Can you access those if you need to? Do you have a vehicle in your own name? Is your name on anything?

No it's not financial abuse at all. But you need to sit down with him and talk about your finances.

Also be aware of the "ex wife fleeced me" line. You only have his side of the story

What gets me is that he varies the amount he passes on to you. That it itself is controlling. Whether the arrangement in its basic form suits or not, he doesn't get to decide month on month how much he will allow you to spend.

It should be an agreed amount and you enjoy it as you see fit.

I also think there should be a separate pot for the children. You chuck in a bit and he chucks in a good bit. Then it goes on the kids needs.

@bigmove2020 I was thinking exactly the same thing after I posted.

I'm not sure TBH. He pays all the mortgage and Bill's, you pay for food etc and he gives you money each month to help with those expenses. Do you have much left at the end of each month?

I don't think abuse but very unfair and clearly disadvantages you.
I'm sure he thinks he's being fair , you have also allowed it to happen so he probably doesn't even think there is any problem.
Of course there is worse things that could happen , ultimately you live a nice life and have everything you need NOW , but what about in the future . That is what would cause me to worry. Where is your financial stability without him ?

Suspect dh earns £3k ish a month. Mortgage is £700 a month. Not sure on bills as never been involved. Know he has savings, think he puts around £1k a month in.

This, and not knowing how much you have in savings, has all my alarms going off. I'd be having s conversation and get involved. His response to this will tell you who he really is.

I don't have any money left at the end; that's when I ask him for a top-up. When I'm down to my last £50. I don't say please or thanks as that would be weird.

He is never controlling about anything else, not angry or aggressive, never been violent or anything.

I know what his ex-wife is like (they had a child together who is now grown up but obvs I've been step mum for 12yrs). She loves labels and high-end stuff and others, including her sister, have attested to the fact she secretly racked up a load of debt when they were married. So I can understand him being wary at first but not after all these years. You guys are right; he is treating me like a child or someone he doesn't trust

I guess I would struggle if we split, but would get a decent divorce settlement. If he died then his life insurance would pay off the mortgage and leave me with a considerable lump sum (he's told me before what it is but I can't remember. Just remember it being a lot).

Oh, my 5yo car is in my name. Joint names on mortgage. We have a will in place. No debts apart from mortgage.

Will definitely be sitting down and telling him I need transparency and to be involved in the finances. Tbh I suppose it's not bothered me in the past as I've been busy with the kids and quite like not having the responsibility of bills (never done it before and my maths is shocking). He knows I'm a bit carefree with money at times (we're yin and yang there. He's mega frugal) so guess it's always made sense he controls the finances.

Thanks for all your help. Off to shop for life insurance now.