Adult sibling that can’t cope with life

[Raella50]

I’m just wondering if there’s anyone in a similar boat and if you’ve found any way of helping. Mainly I’m concerned for my parents. They’re getting on now, they’re we’re older parents to begin with and are in their late 70s now. My sister is 35 and seemingly never grew up. She is incapable of holding down a job, taking care of a house or just coping with life really! She never finished school, was always in trouble and is an emotional rollercoaster to put it politely. My parents have spent her whole life “fixing” everything for her. She’s ALWAYS in some sort of financial mess, has no friends, can’t form a lasting relationship and is currently back living with my parents. They are so, so, so stressed out and I feel awful for her. Over the years I have done lots for her, including trying to help her socialise with my friends, getting her jobs where I was working in bars whilst I was at uni, spending time with her and listening to her rant and rant about life. I really struggle with her though because she’s not just so NASTY to me. Well, she’s like that with everyone but I just can’t bear it’s. My husband hates her, my friends hate her, everyone hates her... to be fair she’s been absolutely disgusting to people over the years. I do think she needs professional help of some sort by she refuses to listen and threatens suicide if you try to persuade her to reach out for support. M parents are at the end of their tether and I feel sad for them in lockdown with her and supporting her financially in their pensions. Any advice welcome I’m at a complete loss.

@VanillaSpiceCandle thank you so much. I actually feel better just writing this out and hearing there are other people with similar siblings. Sorry to hear about your wedding too. It’s unbelievable behaviour and yet I can totally picture it and understand how you must feel.

This is an upsetting and reassuring read all at the same time. My sister is very similar and unfortunately children are involved too. It’s tearing our family apart.

I’m certain that she has a personality disorder but I doubt she’ll ever get diagnosed. In her view, the problems in her life are ALWAYS, without exception, the fault of others. She has issues with every aspect of her life and people are either her absolute best friend or worst enemy and this changes in an instant.

My parents have supported her endlessly but have now become stricter which hasn’t solved anything but feels like regaining some power. I always say we could give her our last penny and it wouldn’t be enough. She makes hurtful comments about how she’s been left on her own to cope with things...ignoring our financial support, endless running around after her, constant checking in. If we so far as hint at disagreeing with her (and I do, on pretty much every level) she flies off the handle. I’m certain that there is some kind of personality disorder because of this- you cannot have a normal conversation with her at all, it doesn’t follow a ‘normal’ pattern.

Sorry, I’m venting. But just to say, you’re not alone in this and there are many families facing similar difficulties. I found myself googling ways to communicate with a narcissist and that helped me with some strategies. Essentially though I don’t feel qualified to manage her properly and there seems little support available unless she chooses to access it. So I try really hard to empower myself and not become emotionally affected by the things she says. Do you have any support system to deal with this? Could you look into ways to set boundaries and expectations with someone who potentially has some personality difficulties? The fact you’re writing this shows you care and you’re being a supportive daughter to your parents. I wish there was a magic wand!

@thebearandthemare ah wow that sounds pretty much identical to my sister! I can’t beljeve there are more out there!!

Another opinion on this is that bpd is being mistakenly diagnosed in females with autism. I know several women whose bpd label, for lack of a better word, has been changed to autism

I fully agree with this. So much so that I believe BPD is probably vanishingly rare and Autistic women are woefully misdiagnosed, undiagnosed and misunderstood.

I have autism and adhd. I was misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder years before they realised their error.

It's possible to have BPD and autism or adhd/ both. But she needs assessing. I would push for an adhd assessment first off. Because once they label someone BPD, it's so hard to shake it, or get seen and assessed for anything else.

She sounds in such a terrible way. I was for a long time. I really feel for her. It's shit being the parent or sibling, but I can speak as someone who has been that mess of a person and I hate how most of my life has gone, all that I've wasted because I was trying so hard to fit in the wrong shaped box. It's caused many mental health issues which I needn't have suffered.

When it comes to things like weddings or other significant events you need to simply not invite her if you are the one organising. There is a member of my family who always gets drunk and causes fights and her uncle did that because he didn't want dramatics on his big day.

Totally agree with rampant BPD misdiagnosis. My 6 year old DS is autistic (diagnosed), and my DH and I are too (undiagnosed). My MIL is hugely, impossibly 'difficult', and 10 years ago i was convinced she suffered from BPD/NPD. I now feel strongly she is autistic. My inceased awareness of how autism manifests in females has helped me a lot to cope with her behaviour, although we are fairly LC and have had a lot of counseling. I do understand the stress you're all enduring, but it must be so, so horrendous to live as an unsupported autistic person. I don't mean unsupported as in neglected by family, but unsupported as in denied access to information about your neurotype and neurokin. My DFIL was intermittently hospitalised with bipolar, and his elderly brother is diagnosed with schizophrenia. It's screamingly obvious to me that both men live as unsupported autistics. Fortunately, my son will not suffer as the older generation of the family have.

You need to start ignoring everything she does. You don’t get on so don’t spend time with her. Disengage.

If your parents ask for help, just say you can’t help, you have no idea what to do to help and leave it at that.

If they leave the house to both of you just sell up and split the money just like most siblings would do. You don’t need to house her or jointly share a house. If she wastes the money is nothing to do with you. She lives her life. You live yours.

I feel for everyone in this situation. Including your sister.

In some ways I’m a bit of a failure as an adult. Never had a partner and terrible social skills as well as social anxiety so not really any friends. I also have diagnosed chronic anxiety and depression. I suspect have done form of ASD but have never been formally diagnosed. Things that seem easy for most people are all-consuming and exhausting for me. It’s all a bit shit.

On the plus side, I’ve managed to get myself a decent civil service job and have either rented or lived in my own mortgaged house since my mid twenties. It still makes me angry that even though I know I’m an intelligent and capable person my issues and general low self esteem hold me back.

Thanks everyone. I think we will keep distant now. I’ve said that for many years and always relented under pressure and tried again and again with her but things are different now. She’s particularly annoyed at me because I now have children and don’t bring them to vsisit her. I just can’t have them around that. I know that makes me sound awful but I just can’t expose my kids to her volatile outbreaks, I just don’t want them seeing her when she’s screaming and shouting and there’s no way of knowing if she’ll blow up. I’ve not told her she’s named as such but I’m disengaged completely and don’t invite her to things. She’s not bothered about getting to know them anyway she just gets FOMO if there’s an event such as their birthdays that she’s not invited too. My husband wouldn’t have her their anyway and I have to respect him now too.

To the posters saying they suffer with autism, is there ANYTHING we can do to support her better? She threatens suicide if you suggest GP or counselling.

There *

I think if you read up about autism in females it may help your understanding OP, so you will be more able to come to terms with the situation.

Would she allow anyone to have control of her finances so that you know.that the basic bills have been paid and a weekly spending amount? It would relieve the pressure of her being broke all the time.

It must be so frustrating for you when your parents moan about bailing her out yet refuse to stop doing it - I would push back on this, next time they start with the same old thing point out that as they always do it why wouldn't she come back to them, what are they prepared to do differently? It won't change what they do, but it might stop them complaining about it so much!

I have a relative with ADHD who is a little like this - just can't seem to manage to live without support, not as scene-stealing as your sister though - and I do wonder what will happen when their parents are not around to bail them out. I know their sibling won't be stepping in either.

Just a practical bit of financial advice for your parents. My brother got into a shedload of debt in his early twenties. Our mum went with him to the CAB. They were trying to establish how big the debt was. My mum had it in her head she was going to pay it off (using some money set aside to cover potential endowment mortgage shortfall!) She got very stern advice from the cab not to. It wasn't her debt, legally or morally.

I'm autistic and keep in touch with groups online - I don't recognise the behaviour you're describing as autistic but I guess it's possible and I might have huge blind spots to what we do that pisses people off.

Things that might help if she is: routines, predictability, staying calm, and meeting her on her level where possible and not assuming that she will ever be "normal". Ideally controlling her diet and sensory environment. But most of it will be out of your control and the only thing you can work on are your reactions.

I wonder if you'd benefit from counselling OP to help form clear boundaries and find a way of communicating firmly about the future? I imagine you have a lot of resentment and anger towards your parents too which must make life harder.

Thank you to everyone who’s commented, I actually do feel better for posting so thank you for that. I think we don’t hear about people like this enough and so we suffer in silence when it’s our family member. Sometimes it’s just so unexplainable to people who don’t know. Obviously here are more stories than I could possibly write as we’ve grown up together and I probably know her better than anyone so I’m definitely not basing this on just what I’ve written here.. but I definitely believe there’s something more to her than we know abot because her way of thinking is just so at odds with normality. It’s jot JUST a personality thing, although her personality is definitely selfish and aggressive too. It’s just so spiteful all the time and it’s draining. She wrote me a poison pen email on Christmas day this year. We had agreed that we wouldn’t see each other on the day (I have children, she was with my parents) and I would go and see her on the 27th, we would have that as our Christmas Day. On the 25th I received a really long letter detailing why she hated me, stating she didn’t have a Christmas present under the tree from me. She hen threw in a few johns from when we were small kids (twisted stories that didn’t happen that way) she cannot let go. She has NEVER bought me a Christmas present so I certainly didn’t have one under my tree from her either!! Neither did my children!! The self entitlement is exhausting!!!! Am I supposed to just pop round on 27th as normal with gifts and apologise? I was so upset and it ruyoned my Christmas. I didn’t go and it’s sparked something in me - I haven’t been since be. (Lockdown has contributed considerably). So it sounds been a while and I know my parents are sick of her fans need to vent but I don’t think I even want to go and visit her again. I will do my best to grey rock I think. I feel very sorry for my parents.

Hi OP. I’m so sorry about your situation.

I agree with other posters that you need to protect yourself. This is a bit of an aside, but I wouldn’t necessarily count on your and your sister inheriting your parents house.

What if they couldn’t manage on their own any more at some point, and needed care? And given that they’re so stressed and at the end of their tether (as are you), the stress won’t be doing great things for their health.

I think you need to take steps now to protect yourself for the future.
I wish you all the best.

@Raella50 the poison pen letter sounds familiar. Usually messages though as my sister wouldn’t be able to write it. It’s much quicker and easier to text or message reams of bile.

I’ve seen more posters suggest autism and other mental health conditions. This is why I’ve always been too scared to post. Why does it matter? This is these people’s personality and some people are just selfish or bad or destructive. Every allowance has to be made for them. I’ve made every excuse in the past telling myself it’s her mental health issues etc etc but really I’m sure the vast majority of mental ill people don’t behave like this. Maybe it exacerbates it but it’s not fair as then she will never change or apologise.

She has ruined countless lives including her children’s.

The only time I’ll be able to step away is when her children have left home. And thinking about the many years of abuse to come fills me with dread. You can cut them out of your life when they have young children.

It might not be autism, it may unfortunately be her upbringing. Regardless, your parents can't keep doing this. They need to kick her out and let her survive on her own. She can get housing from the council etc and assistance but they can't afford to keep her forever. And they won't live forever. It's a shit situation to be in.

@KeepingPlain or it could be her personality! I’m fine, I have the same genes and the same upbringing. I live a normal life, I work, have friends and acquaintances, pets, socialise, study etc.

I would cut contact - my parents would be more reluctant - if my sister had no children. The OP’s sister has a child who is also living there, so the parents can’t kick her out. This is why it’s so hard.

@VanillaSpiceCandle

It could be her personality, it could be a disorder, it could be anything, none of us know. But her parents are old, they can't keep supporting her forever. They will need care themselves soon. They need to either teach her to support herself or get her the help she needs.