Adult sibling that can’t cope with life

[Raella50]

I’m just wondering if there’s anyone in a similar boat and if you’ve found any way of helping. Mainly I’m concerned for my parents. They’re getting on now, they’re we’re older parents to begin with and are in their late 70s now. My sister is 35 and seemingly never grew up. She is incapable of holding down a job, taking care of a house or just coping with life really! She never finished school, was always in trouble and is an emotional rollercoaster to put it politely. My parents have spent her whole life “fixing” everything for her. She’s ALWAYS in some sort of financial mess, has no friends, can’t form a lasting relationship and is currently back living with my parents. They are so, so, so stressed out and I feel awful for her. Over the years I have done lots for her, including trying to help her socialise with my friends, getting her jobs where I was working in bars whilst I was at uni, spending time with her and listening to her rant and rant about life. I really struggle with her though because she’s not just so NASTY to me. Well, she’s like that with everyone but I just can’t bear it’s. My husband hates her, my friends hate her, everyone hates her... to be fair she’s been absolutely disgusting to people over the years. I do think she needs professional help of some sort by she refuses to listen and threatens suicide if you try to persuade her to reach out for support. M parents are at the end of their tether and I feel sad for them in lockdown with her and supporting her financially in their pensions. Any advice welcome I’m at a complete loss.

@JMAngel1

Why does bad behaviour require a label? Maybe she's just lazy and irresponsible and needs a huge kick up her behind?

I agree, on this site it seems as if whenever someone shows an odd personality they're either labelled as autistic or if they're older as having dementia

This is the same as my sister. I could write an essay - I don’t know anyone else who has a sibling/close relative like this. My sister is late twenties and my parents a little younger than yours. However my sister is also very violent (beaten me up and also hit my dad but not mum). She is mentally ill and has lots of various diagnoses which change yearly. She’s also very emotionally abusive to us but also her children. And this is the worst part.

We can’t step away because of her children - I have no advice. The only thing that has become easier is to care less about her and focus on why I’m helping/supporting her. To help my parents and my nieces and nephews.

Also found social services and the police to be useless. The one time I did call the police it made the situation worse for everyone (including the poor children).

@darkcaramel who would you like to blame? You sounds like you have little experience of someone like this in your immediate family and don’t understand the effects of living like this. It’s so upsetting to read your post. Think about the rest of the family - we’re much more ‘upset’ than my sister ever has been or will be. All as a result of her behaviour. Inexcusable to inflict on young children.

It must be so much harder if the sibling has children.
This sort of sibling responsibility is rarely discussed and it's so difficult.

This sounds like my brother who has autism. She may well have it too but given that she's unlikely to get assessed, I would try not to focus on it too much.

The main thing to remember here OP is that you are not beholden to her. You don't have to care for her in future years, you don't have to pay the bills, you don't have to take the emotional abuse. I stepped away from the cycle years ago and it was the best thing for me - that's where your first responsibility lies, to you.

If you can, I really recommend therapy on this as I found my brother (and parents to an extent) had really done a number on my concept of boundaries and familial responsibility. Not easy work to do but it was very freeing.

@darkcaramel well I’m sure she is very unhappy. We all are due to her too. It’s impossible to reason with her.

@VanillaSpiceCandle oh thank you for responding with your similar situation. My sister does have a child too which adds to why my parents won’t kick her out. She can’t cope with him and that’s a whole other story. Basically my parents are the child’s parents too. It honestly breaks my heart.

I knew someone like that and she was diagnosed with BPD. Is that possible op?

@Raella50 I’ve just written a post and lost it. Typical as I rarely post at all.

That makes total sense. I’ve always thought it’s best for the children to stay with her but now I don’t think that’s the case. They would be better off with my parents or me. And we’d all love to have them. They basically live with my parents anyway but it’s always at the last minute and rushing around so no stability for them. It was better when they were babies but as children it’s so unfair to keep shifting them between three houses.

I’m really happy you posted - have never been brave enough. There’s also not much advice or practical support available. More just solidarity in knowing there’s another family out there.

@CayrolBaaaskin it’s kind of irrelevant in my opinion. My sister has numerous diagnoses but it doesn’t make her willing to engage with professionals and doesn’t change the way we think about/love her. And we love her so so much. But I also hate her behaviour and how she treats us all. Also the many mental health conditions she has - well on fear of getting hate - don’t really matter when her behaviour is so damaging. I don’t see a point in trying to persuade a family member into getting diagnosed with anything as it doesn’t change much when things are this severe.

She is actually getting therapy which is great. She is also medicated but she’s had lots of professional support over the years and it doesn’t change anything. This is her personality and at this age I don’t think she will ever change. My biggest fear is her having more children. And the fear is for them and my parents. Not her any more.

@CayrolBaaaskin

I knew someone like that and she was diagnosed with BPD. Is that possible op?

It has all the hallmarks of it, albeit from that brief description of OP.

I have someone in my family like this, I do think this person has something wrong that hasn't been diagnosed, sometimes its so hard to sit and watch how this person behaves but unfortunately you can't change people and no matter what you try, you aren't going to get the results you want with certain people. As hard as it is some people just can't cope with life but you can't always do everything for people. I can imagine how stressed you must feel though!

Some of her behaviour, like seeing you as good one day and bad the next, sounds like the type of splitting you see in people with BPD.

Yes, she does need professional help and your parents need to set boundaries but if that doesn't happen then you need to look after your own wellbeing.

Onto finances, why are her benefits so low if she has a child?

You can also set up some kind of trust when it comes to money from a house sale so she doesn't get it all at once and blows it.

Sounds like me a few years ago. I think it could be depression.

She sounds a lot like my SIL who has Borderline Personality Disorder. With her, it's interlaced with addiction issues too... and she had 2 kids that she can't look after that PIL are raising. It's exhausting if you're tangled up in it.

When she's sober the max she seems to hold a job for is about 2 months, then she stops going but says nothing about it. Every time PIL bail her out she racks up more credit card debt. She cannot maintain friendships as they always end in huge bust-ups. She has wild mood swings and can't see shades of grey- someone's either out to destroy her, or the best person on the planet.

I'd definitely focus on what's in your control here, and that's your actions. Create the boundaries you need, state firm lines with your parents, and if you can afford it try and get some counselling for yourself to talk it through.

I did very much think BPD too when I read your post op.

Fundamentally you can't force your sister or your parents to change. I would be sitting down with your parents and looking very closely at the diagnosis or discussing female autism. If she has BPD then either DBT or schema therapy could offer your sister some indepth help. It's not the case there are no options. But your sister would have to accept she maybe has a problem and your parents might well be looking at having to fund the therapy (and it can be quite long term). Would they be open to sitting down and making a plan towards her being independent? There are various things they could do to break things down so she is supported in getting on her feet properly. It does sound as if she and you all need a lot more support to get her to a better place. If she won't engage or your parents can't take action for whatever reason then you do just need to let them get on with it and take a big step back I'm afraid.

You have just described my 40 yo sister, who only left my mum's last year to lodge a room in a house.

I am totally convinced that she has BPD Borderline Personality Disorder.

It's a cruel mental health condition with little hope of treatment.

Walking On Eggshells is a fantastic book to help.

I tend to keep my sister at a reasonable distance now and try not to reason with her.

Your parents need to be firm and give her one or two months to find herself somewhere else to live.

It's so shit. I really empathise with you. Xxx

Thanks so much everyone. I have read a lot about BPD over the years and wouldn’t be surprised if that’s it, I really don’t know. Autism is probable too. She’s very stubborn and will NOT engage with anything or anyone so as someone already said, it really wouldn’t make any difference. She is connived we’re all out to “get” her. She does see people either as amazing or evil and she can change her mind frequently which makes it very hard to hold a relationship with her. I do need my parents to put her half of inheritance into a trust of some kind else she will blow it straight away for sure. I’m not sure about why she gets that amount in benefits, she lies a lot (constantly) so I can’t tell when she’s telling the truth about things. She lies about things that don’t even matter. She’s very entitled and any conversation with her is about your shortcomings in supporting her needs. She wouldn’t ever check in on me, send me a birthday card or consider my interests. She actually came to my degree ceremony at the end of university (she has severed FOMO) and screamed about an imaginary spider in the room. Cassie a massive scene, argued with everyone who told her to be quiet. Swore loudly and stormed it, swore at all my let calm haters. I literally wanted the ground to swallow me up. It’s just classic her. She won’t even acknowledge anything that isn’t about her - I bet if ou asked her she wouldn’t be able to tell you what my degree course even was. She wouldn’t know anything about me.

*swore at all my lecturers that should be

Oh and she came to my wedding. She refused to come to my engagement party/ hen and was particularly nasty at that time so I thought this was an improvement but was SO nervous for her antics. Right in the middle of our wedding she started crying, saying she would never get married. Caused a reallly big scene. She then got drunk quickly and started really OTT besties with me, trying to get in ALL of our photos and making crude gestures, laughing weirdly loudly. She’s very sexually crude and brings things up in strange contexts. So in the middle of a conversation with a stranger about he weather she will say something HORRIFIC and graphic out of nowhere.

Start seeing your parents as enablers. Judge them more harshly.

Decide that you are not going to enable them to enable her. Refuse to discuss her. Say you don't want to hear about her at all you are so upset with her. Don't listen to a single whinge or vent.

Leave the pain on them so they are more likely to finally snap and stop funding her feckless arse.

We did this in my family. Hard but effective.

Don't release pain from the enablers, they only use the breathing space to delay further the hard decisions. It helps noone in the long run.

Oh and also at our wedding - she set up a bar tab and drank cocktails, handing hem out to her “friends” (she’d never met before our wedding) saying they were on her. She left us to pick up the bar bill. When I came down to find the bill around 11pm and I asked her if it was hers, she started screaming at me that I was a cow and I hated her and blah blah blah. I was mortified. My father paid the bill and took her home.

@Raella50

I read once from a mental health professional that autism can be like the extreme male brain and BPD the extreme female brain. Men can have BPD and women can have autism but BPD rates a lot higher in women and same with autism in males. One is a syndrome, one is a disorder.

Obviously she needs professional help but it sounds just like BPD. A split personality and extreme emotional rollercoaster all the time.

@Raella50 sorry to hear about your wedding. My sister was bridesmaid (only did it because my mum begged) spent most of the morning making a fuss about people that will all be looking at her. I think for the first time in my life, they were probably looking at me. She also then stole from my guests handbags later in the day. The humiliation of explaining that was awful.

Today she refused to answer the phone to the school, they phoned me and one her children had has an accident. I was beside myself (was very minor) - she didn’t care.

I wasn’t going to mention it, but as so many people have said it, my sister has got BPD amongst other things. But I think her general issue is her inherent selfishness - she just doesn’t care about anyone. Not even her children.

@TorkTorkBam I would definitely do this if my sister didn’t have any children. I just can’t ignore her when I know they’re at risk of harm from her. When they’re grown up, I will be doing this though. It’s the only way to stay sane and actually be able to live your own life.

[quote annabel85]@Raella50

I read once from a mental health professional that autism can be like the extreme male brain and BPD the extreme female brain. Men can have BPD and women can have autism but BPD rates a lot higher in women and same with autism in males. One is a syndrome, one is a disorder.

Obviously she needs professional help but it sounds just like BPD. A split personality and extreme emotional rollercoaster all the time.[/quote]
Another opinion on this is that bpd is being mistakenly diagnosed in females with autism. I know several women whose bpd label, for lack of a better word, has been changed to autism.

Someone upthread, or several someone's, asked why the rush to label and why not just leave them to sink or swim. The homelessness problem, for instance, shows us that sink is just as likely an option as swim if there is a diagnosed or undiagnosed mental health condition. Some people really can't cope with life. Social work involvement can be useful. You can speak to their GP even if they don't attend themselves. It helps build a picture.

I'm sorry. It's very hard. There's no easy answer.