Tell me about the boundaries/freedoms your 14 years olds have

[WokusPocus]

Hi, I could really do with some help establishing a good set of boundaries for my ds14. Please could you share with me what your rules are for your 14/15 year olds? Especially regarding going out/curfews, phone and internet access. What are people's opinions on using the Find my Friend location finder?

It has not been a good year with ds14 - we have had a few of instances of him buying weed/cigarettes and fighting. He also likes to travel quite far afield on his bike with his friends - sometimes to nearby towns and villages. All of this is giving me the most terrible fear!

I am not the person to ask to be fair a I told dd she couldn't go to a skate park where a lot of drug dealers hang out in anrough area, she has stormed out and told me she is going elsewhere. Apple friend finder tells me she is where I said she couldn't go so I am going to have a cup of tea and go and find her in a minute. I think 14 is still very young and they seem to have no idea of dangers. 😡. Watching for responses.

ditavonteesed - let's wait together. I could do with rather than tea, to be honest. It's so bloody stressful.

😬 I have a 13 yo who isn't pushing boundaries yet and a 16 yo who did at age 13/14, but has now calmed down quite a bit and I definitely feel more relaxed now about stuff. I
I have always had phones / laptops handed to me for overnight and 16 yo is now allowed hers in her room overnight since she has finished y11 - I can see she is turning it off and going to sleep around 11.30.

I also could do with the wine, she just told us we are snobs before she stormed out. I'm on nights tonight so was hoping for a sleep this afternoon. She was also smoking before lockdown. They need to go back to school, boredom does not create good things for teenagers.

Billiematey - thank you - I have a dd16 but not had any issues in these areas as she hangs out with a small group of bookish girls and show no interest in painting the town red. Getting her to do any school work, on the other hand...

ditavonteesed - I definitely think they have too much time on their hands, and the thought of what the summer may hold fills me with dread. Ds genuinely seems to think he is a lot older than he really is. He is nearly 6 ft tall, but still sleeps with his teddies fgs.

I now have 2 teenagers practising skateboarding tricks on my lawn, mulch happier.

ditavonteesed that is a result!

I have just had a big row with ds - apparently I am 'unloving' because I was annoyed that he broke his iPhone under mysterious circumstances this week I'm sure it had nothing to do with him wanting to buy one from his friend.

Easier said than done , but be consistent, be clear about expectations and repercussions, follow through and work with them to find reasonable limits (e.g. ask what they think is a reasonable time to be home or distance to be away from the house).
And, if I ever manage to do this then I’ll come back with an update!!

@WokusPocus I feel for you. I think it’s more of a worry with boys at this age as they all go off on their bikes and it’s difficult to control how far they go. I think peer pressure is a huge deal for them too and they don’t want to be seen as a pussy by their mates so if any one of their group has played around with smoking weed then they all feel the pressure to do it. DD (14) has told me that loads of boys from her year put videos of them smoking joints on their Snapchat stories. And these are lads where I know the parents and I know that they have no idea and they would be devastated if they knew what their boys were getting up to. Lucky for me DD is pretty sensible. Other than one drunken sleepover where one girl projective vomited I haven’t had any cause for concern.
What are his friends like? Do you know them?

TitanicWasAGreatMovie - Thank you, yes, I think being consistent is key and also asking him for his input is also a good way forward. However, our opinions on what is reasonable differ wildly. I have told him 7pm is when I want him back from being out and about. We eat around that time, and the atmosphere definitely changes in our area as it gets later - but he thinks it should be 9pm. What do people think? If he was going somewhere specific I would allow later but 9 seems to be very late to just be cruising around on his bike.

Rollergirl11 - peer pressure has so much to do with it! It's all about getting cool shots of himself doing tricks on his bike or looking moody and cool to post on Instagram. I have my doubts about some of his friends, though I know a couple of the parents. He has had sleepovers with one of them and the parents are very nice, but they give a huge amount of freedom - they are cool with a 9pm curfew, which is making things tricky.

I have a 15 and a 16 year old here. Neither are allowed phones in their rooms past 10pm midweek and after 11pm on a weekend.

We use find my friends (when younger both lost their phones and we found them using find my friends).

We ask them both to tell us where they are going when out but neither goes too far.

16 year old is lovely. The 15 year old is giving us a massively hard time at the moment. Cheeky, rude, ignoring, swearing at us (even the F word), mimicking and answering back etc etc. Wondering where I have gone wrong as a parent.

Is he Year 9 or 10? With DD I generally have to go and pick her up from wherever she is. We have the rule that we pick up by 8pm if she’s at the park/cricket green or 9pm if she’s at a friends house. She’s in Year 9. I agree with you that 9pm seems too late for him just to be loitering and making his own way home. How about a compromise of 8.00?

Phone wise, we don’t take DD’s phone off her and I know that she is on it late but has always been a bit of a night owl. DS (12) has his phone taken off him as he can’t be trusted to go to sleep if he’s left with it overnight.

Also it depends how often. If it’s 3/4 nights a week then that is impacting on your family/dinner time.

I have a 13yo Dd.
I would say 8:30-9. So home by dark, the good thing about this is it will get progressively earlier through the summer.

@Rollergirl11 I hate to break it to you but can you not see the irony in stating that these parents have no idea that their kids are doing this, and in the same breath saying you're lucky because your DD never would?

Splattherat - don't beat yourself up - you sound like a good parent. That's interesting you use Find my Friend - I think it is a very useful thing to have, but ds is outraged by it. What if he rides a long way and something happens to him? He has not been at all reliable and unfortunately I can't believe everything he tells me.

Thanks Rollergirl and hopefulhalf - maybe we will move it to 8.00/8.30.

Sorry Rollergirl - he's Year 9.

Following, as my son will be 13 in a few months' time. Before lockdown he would ask to take his bike to the park, or to visit a friend in the village, and he'd need to be back at a certain time, and to answer his phone if we rang it (only if we really had to, not to check up on him). We don't let him just hang around town centres, there has to be a purpose of some sort. He hands over his phone and games controllers at bedtime, although we let him watch a bit of age appropriate Netflix or youtubers for about 15 mins at bedtime. Just wondering what boundaries to set when he starts pushing them as a teen. I don't want to stifle him but want to make sure he's safe and well too!

@purplemackington I didn’t say that she never would. I said I’m lucky that she’s fairly sensible. But I do see where you’re coming from. I’m sure she will try it at some point (hopefully not for a while), it would be naive of me to think that she won’t. But at the moment, from what she has said to me, I don’t think she has any desire to and nor do any of her circle of friends.

I have a (just) 15yo dd. No curfews, but that's mainly because she would get a lift home if she was out at night, either from me or from a friend's parent (not at the moment, obviously). I'm pretty relaxed about pick up times as long as I know where she is - has been up till midnight occasionally.

She is never out without me knowing where she is going and who she is with - so at the moment, she might tell me which park she will be sitting in or where she is going for a walk. (Daytime only.) Obviously, I don't track her every movement but I do ask her to communicate about where she is, when she is coming back etc. We have find my iphone set up, but I haven't ever used it - it's mainly for emergencies.

I wouldn't be happy about her being out at night unless she was at someone's house or at an agreed location e.g. the fair. Not just hanging around outside. She has never asked to go out like this anyway to be fair, so it has never been an issue.

No rules re phone or internet access. I trust her to be sensible and think she manages it well. Occasionally she's on her phone late, but she knows that she needs to sleep and uses her common sense. I used to check her phone but I don't now as she is old enough to have some privacy. She's very mature and sensible though, and so are all her friends. She also isn't glued to her phone or screens in general.

It may sound harsh, but I tell DS if he wants me to pay for his phone and his internet,he needs to acceptmy rules (wifi off at 11, qustodio and googlefamily in the phone). If he doesn't like it he can find a job and pay for himself.

Also, after much of an ethernal chase with deleting control, loosing phone,etc we decide the onus is now on him. He looses/breaks his phone, he pays himself. He finds a way around the controlin place he is kicked off the internet for some days.

However, our issues is mostly about over use of screens, he doesn't really go anywhere.... so a different kind of problem.

Cant wait for them to grow up!

My 15 yo refuses to wear a bike helmet, so we don't let him use his bike and we give him lifts instead. This has sort of worked well as he has to say where he needs dropping/collecting from. I think so much comes down to their friendship groups. DS is sporty and 'against' cannabis, cigarettes and vaping which helps.

Ohhh 14 is difficult age mine turned into a monster! But basically if he started being an utter rude horror
No phone
Grounded
And kept very busy

Until he understood that I'm the boss, I'm quite easy going and if he took the mickey I would hunt him down and enforce sanctions

He's 15.5 now and so much better now 😅

But it aged me me!!

@TimeWastingButFun - I don't want to stifle ds either. It's so hard and very sad. I want to give my trust back but his behaviour and judgement have been so disappointing. I feel like I should let it go, but I don't know how to and to keep him safe.

@AlexaShutUp - I check his location occasionally - if I am worried about him or he's not answering his phone. He thinks I am monitoring his every move !

@Lua - I am trying to firm. It's quite hard because DH is very relaxed; he had no rules to speak of and ran wild when he was growing up. Drinks, drugs etc but survived it all to tell the tale. He hates me and ds arguing about this stuff and won't get involved. So I have no back up.

@GetUpAgain - the helmet war is also being waged here - he leaves the house with it, but my friend spotted him without it. I think it may get hidden in a bush somewhere.

@Truzza - I am trying to be strict. Arguing the toss with a 15 year old is impossible. He actually watches YouTube videos on how to 'win' debates.

I miss getting on with my son - he has always been so lovely to be around - this is a nightmare.