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Original poster

Do you have friends?

37 replies

Autumnwalksx · 01/07/2020 07:08

I have realized in lockdown I don't particularly have any. I've got one friend who I met up with weekly with our kids. We also do all the school runs together. Her son's gone back to school and my child hasn't. So I feel she won't want to walk with me and my kids randomly.

At the school I had swapped numbers and had playground chat with two mums. We've never met up and lockdown hasn't helped. One of them has moved three hours away in lockdown so I won't see her again.

The other school mums that have added me on facebook(two of them) are actually being polite because they have connected with my friend from the first paragraph. They don't speak to me really, it's mainly if my friends stood there too.

I did have another friend but in all honesty we grew apart. I think becoming mums really divided us. Our kids also didn't click which is another story.

I love chatting. But I feel really limited while the kids are little. I hope I get to meet people through my youngest starting school and stuff eventually.

I have never stayed close to people. My school friends either moved away. We lost touch.

I had a friend who had an abusive partner who stopped her seeing all her friends 2 years ago.

The friends I had when I worked mostly don't have kids and still have loads of nights out. We've also lost touch.

OP posts:
Cookie123456 · 01/07/2020 07:25

I've not had a single friend for years, I don't even an acquaintance to have coffee with.

I'm not sure why. I've tried all different approaches but nothing seems to help.

RosieLemonade · 01/07/2020 07:27

Yes a few friends but no long term ones. I’m fairly transient with friends and only seem to have friends from each phase of my life. It used to upset me no one stayed friends with me long term but it is what it is.

Haggisfish · 01/07/2020 07:30

Yes lots. I think some of it may be your thinking. In your situation, I would have contacted the first mum every couple of weeks just to ask how they are and asked to meet recently for a walk. Why on earth wouldn’t they want to meet you for a walk if you meet weekly?!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/07/2020 07:31

Yes, quite a few. I have one group that I've known since school, another group that I've known since we were 18, then a few other individual ones. I've lived in 3 different counties though and made friends wherever I've moved to.

Only one of my friends is a mum as I had DS young. I'm not really close with any of the school mums, I have more in common with my long term friends.

pigeon999 · 01/07/2020 07:34

I also think you need to be more proactive op. Organise a lunch or coffee with new people/friends to be, take the time to get to know them. Start with the ones you have already spoken to.
It will become easier the more you do it.
Serious effort is required to keep friendships going for years and years, being a good friend is not effortless especially when we are all busy and tired.

Original poster
Autumnwalksx · 01/07/2020 07:48

Yeah I had hoped for some meet ups with a mum from the school. Plus my old friend. But then lockdown happened as winter was clearing off. I do hope to get back to that.

I'm hoping to arrange a catch up Saturday with my friend and her son. It's just tricky as lockdown has made people feel differently about meeting up. But it's allowed now isn't it for small bubbles to be outdoors.

I also seem to have friends through the phases and don't carry them through. I was quite unconfident (not shy) as a teen so I wonder if that didn't help.

OP posts:
Billyjoearmstrong · 01/07/2020 08:05

No.

I have had few acquaintances over the years and even met up for coffee. But I can never seem to move on to proper friendship for some reason.

It’s mainly because I was badly bullied throughout school so I never learned how to make friends, I never had those teenage relationships with people that teach you so much. I was always alone. So that’s the reason, I’m just shit with people past a certain point.

Bellasorella1 · 01/07/2020 08:06

At the moment I have a number of friends and through lockdown have strengthened a few friendships ironically through walking. I have also used lock down to try and build a few bridges with friendships lost.

I’m much older than you and realise I have been rubbish at keeping friends. I think this stems from a very difficult childhood and abusive marriage and in the past haven fallen out with people after a few (probably about every 6 - 8) years either because I have worn them down by being flaky/needy or felt that they weren’t being supportive. These days I feel a lot stronger.

I only have one good friend left from school days and she has been a brick but I honestly think that is because she lives in another country and even we were estranged for a number of years.

Because I had to work, , I always found it difficult to get a toe hold in the school mummy mafia, particularly once divorced as they seemed to all have tight family units, so that period involved real effort to cultivate friendships.

Good luck. The one thing I would say is 1 or 2 good friends are worth more than a dozen light friendships but it’s nice to have the option of people who only invite you to make up the numbers too, as through them you may meet people you are more in tune with.

Lardlizard · 01/07/2020 08:10

Been lucky with really good friends

SnakesOrLadders · 01/07/2020 08:14

Yes agree you need to be more proactive. I got to late 20’s and realised I’d lost touch with college friends and had no new friends through work. When I had my dc I met friends at baby groups organising coffee mornings, reconnected with old friends organising coffee, lunch etc.
We recently moved area so at new school I’ve done lots of play dates to help my kids settle in which has also helped me and Dh meet new people too.
Be friendly and organised coffee, walks, play dates as much as you can :)

Lardlizard · 01/07/2020 08:16

Op I’d start a fresh after lock down
Also be picky about who you spend time with sometimes people that are so keen to find friends make the wrong ones
Go for the ones that make you laugh n feel good
And bring out the best in you

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 01/07/2020 08:17

Nope. Used to be close, grown away still connect on fb and see occasionally on dog walks. Those I thought were good work mates, dmd first few weeks of lockdown, got non commital responses.

pigeon999 · 01/07/2020 08:27

Make the most of having young children, as they will bring many new potential friends into your life. Be bolder, suggest a coffee or a picnic and be confident. Follow up with new ideas for different things. If they can't make it, try again, sometimes you will have caught them at a bad moment, don't take things personally and become defensive.

I agree, don't settle for any old friend, choose wisely - a bad friend is worse than no friends at all.

MrsWhites · 01/07/2020 08:56

I don’t really have any friends, those that I have had in the past we always seem to grow apart. It doesn’t really bother me, I’m a private person so it suits me to stay within my family unit. I have a big family too so we always have people to visit or go on days out with.

In fact I’ve noticed through my Facebook that lots of my fab friends have been having zoom chats, remote cocktail nights etc and to be honest my overriding thought was that it all sounds like too much effort required.

Everyone is different OP, some people need lots of friends and are very sociable and others like me just prefer to keep themselves to themselves. But I agree with what others have said, if it bothers you then you probably need to be more proactive with the mums you mention you are friendly with.

sonjadog · 01/07/2020 09:01

It sounds like you have quite a few friends. When you "lost touch", did you try contacting them and they didn't get back to you? Or the friend who you meet weekly, have you asked her about meeting up and she has said no? I wonder if you are being proactive enough or if you are expecting other people to make the effort to get in touch with you?

WitchesGlove · 01/07/2020 09:05

Billyjoe- Adult friendship is quite different though.

Have you had any counselling?

Bottomplasters · 01/07/2020 09:07

If anyone is in Manchester And fancies a coffee let me know!

Immigrantsong · 01/07/2020 09:08

I don't have any friends. I have a couple of acquaintances.

I find that most people are very reluctant to make the effort needed to maintain or develop social relationships and I genuinely make an effort, which can be very soul destroying. Especially when constantly making the first move.

I don't agree when people say that having kids help make friends. I work full time, so don't drop off kids or pick them up and this is where friendships tend to form.

The worst bit is that my kids also don't get invited anywhere, so we as a family have zero social network.

I am honestly not bothered with trying anymore. I know we are good people and have loads to offer, so can't understand why no one would want to be friends.

Billyjoearmstrong · 01/07/2020 09:20

@WitchesGlove yes but the principles are still the same. It’s a massive thing to not have any positive relationships with peers all the way through childhood. Yes, in a roundabout way. I’m a mental health professional so in my training etc I’ve explored things.

LatteLover12 · 01/07/2020 09:30

I used to have lots of friends and a regular social life but then I got divorced and a couple of things happened;

  1. I was hugely disappointed by a couple of friends who I'd thought would be the first to come round and see me with a bottle of wine but they did nothing to support me. My family were no better though, I think I'm seen as quite strong and independent & nobody thought I might need help/company

  2. other friends just drifted away and I was ghosted.

I think some people think divorce is contagious 🙄

I'm much happier than I ever was though my exh was an abusive arse!

Spied · 01/07/2020 09:40

No friends -more people I say hello to or stand in the street and have a 5 min chat.
A couple of times these acquaintance's have become a little closer and we've arranged a coffee but I've found that the ones this happens with tend to be people who have used me for some reason or another. Eg. One wanted to get a bit more acquainted with me simply to ask me to look after her DS two days a week after school ( I never saw her after that) and another wanted me to walk her dog ( and borrow moneyShock).
I don't attract genuine nice people.

thisstooshallpass · 01/07/2020 09:44

A very close knit of 6 of us. All female. One is my sister. We have all been best friends for 20+ years, some over 30 years.

We are very lucky and feel blessed we have such special friendships.

Since forming these friendships I have made other friends through work/husband etc but the close knit group are my 'real' friends.

susiella · 01/07/2020 09:49

I have realised that I am not a good friend

TerrapinStation · 01/07/2020 09:51

I have probably what you would consider a lot of friends and I know my friends have many other friends. In the past couple of weeks I've met up with 7 different friends (not at the same time before the covid police jump in) for either outdoor drinks or walks.

I don't think I'm unusual, I have friends through my children, my exercise class, work. Ime people respond best to easy going low maintenance people who are easy to talk to. Not everyone is naturally like that, not everyone wants friends of course but if you do put yourself out there, it's hard at the moment but you can plan for when it's easier to pop out for a coffee or evening drink.

SweetPetrichor · 01/07/2020 10:08

I have one good friend who I 'talk' to most days. He moved to America so we chat through messenger most days - just general day to day nonsense. I've found that, as I get older, less is more with friends.