DH doesn't think kids should do housework!

[Blurp]

We're in the process of moving house; the new house has 2 bedrooms with en-suite bathrooms and one without. DH and I were talking about which child to give the en-suite bedroom to. He reckons DD will appreciate it more, and I said "She might not appreciate it in a few years' time when she's in charge of cleaning it!".

DH was horrified at the thought of making her clean her bathroom (she's currently 3, so obviously I'm not talking about her doing it now), because he doesn't think kids should be expected to do that kind of housework. His logic is, the parents own the house, so they could clean it. Kids should keep their stuff tidy, but shouldn't have to clean.

I'm mystified by this attitude. I wasn't expected to do loads of housework growing up, but I had to do some. It seems obvious to me that everyone living in a house should do their bit to keep it clean.

DH says he and his sisters were given a cleaning rota a couple of times by their mum, but they just laughed and refused to do it.

Obviously this isn't an issue yet, but I can imagine that in a few years' time he'll think I'm awful for asking the kids to clean, and won't back me up.

FWIW, he does loads of cleaning round the house, so his upbringing hasn't made him lazy.

So, do you try to make your kids clean and do housework? Or do you think you should do it all?

How long does it take people to clean the bathroom that would be so disruptive?

Ok as a teen it will take her a bit longer to start with because of the makeup mess, but she will soon learn to not be so messy in the first place like everyone else.

I didn’t do housework as a child. I’m not a slattern as an adult.

I’ve never asked my children to do housework.

I wouldn't expect my children to do housework, maybe when they are teenagers.

Completely agree with your husband. Kids don't need to be doing housework. Ours know how and see both me and DH doing it, they occasionally ask to help and I let them. But no, they are children they need to be looked after it is the only time in our lives we don't have to do it. As long as they know how and are prepared to do it when they leave home that's all they need.

My just turned 4 year old, has to tidy up toys with a bit of help, empty the cutlery shelf of the dishwasher and put her and her sister’s washing in the laundry basket. She wipes up her own spills.

And she removers her own pillowcase when we change her bedding.

My DS11 is responsible for his own room... He keeps it clean, hoovers, dusts, brings washing down etc

He also puts away his own washing.

He also washes his own dishes if he eats at different time to us and also helps dry pots on a Sunday.

Normally once or twice a week he helps me clean round downstairs.

That's a strange attitude.

Mine have been cleaning their rooms, bathrooms and changing their beds since they were about 10.

When very young mine were responsible for clearing the table and stacking the dishwasher after Sunday lunch.

They now takes turns being responsible for the dishwasher a day each (clear dinner things to kitchen and stack/unstack dishwasher as many times as required through the day) during lockdown (their work load is a lot lighter than mine, and they have no clubs). At the weekend they hoover/clean bathroom/dust to help out.

I think it’s actually really important. In Japan the school day starts off with them cleaning the school - including moping and cleaning the toilets.

Learning to actually keep their areas clean and not just tidy is an important life skill.

Dd1 (24) has an impeccable apartment
Dd2 (7) loves to clean the bathroom and kitchen and actually cleans the cupboards out
Dd3 (nearly 4) is starting to pitch in.

They even do this in schools, expected to clean up after themselves, their own rubbish in the bin, clean tables after painting etc. Then at lunch a lot have children table helpers and a part of this is clearing.

No wonder some children point blank refuse.

As others have said, it's an important thing to learn, both practically and in terms of self discipline.

My children clean their own rooms, put their washing away, tidy up after themselves - after a shower etc. Ds takes the rubbish out. I've taught them how to use the washing machine etc, they put the Hoover round if I ask them to but i don't often ask. My Mum had me doing everything including childcare for my much younger sister and I look back now and think how she basically just palmed off all her domestic drudgery onto me from the age of about seven. I resent her for it. So I don't make my kids do loads of set housework and chores because I don't think it's fair. They'll do it in their own places when they're older. I agree with your husband.

We do get ours involved as they make most of the mess. Besides if it is her ensuite and she is the only one using it she probably won't want people coming in to clean it. I would suggest that dh cleans the ensuite until dd says she will take over, absent yourself from the process. I imagine from about age 10/11 she won't want him cleaning in there.

How did he learn how to keep a home clean and tidy if he didn’t do it growing up?

Everyone pitches in here, the one year old ours clothes from the wash basket into the machine, empties the cutlery basket when I’m doing the dishwasher, puts toys away. Step kids clear the table, change their beds, cook simple meals and make everyone drinks. DH and I keep a roof over everyone’s heads, we’re both skivvies.

I’m baffled by posters claiming their children don’t have to lift a finger. I remember the kids in halls the first week we were there who’d never made a bed, brewed a cuppa, put a wash on. They were so unsettled by having to look after themselves they weren’t focussing on studying then...

There's a medium between scrubbing the whole house and never lifting a finger. I'm working towards people being responsible for their own mess. For example DDs managed to get crumbs all over the sofa at the weekend. They hoovered the sofa... But I dont expect them to hoover the whole house

A parents job is to grow independent adults... And them helping around the house and taking responsibility for their own belongings is part of that. So if the child/teenager is making excessive mess in a bathroom,veith ensuite or shared, I think they should clean it up. But a deep clean could've a joint effort.

How did he learn how to keep a home clean and tidy if he didn’t do it growing up?

Probably sat there watching mouth slack jawed..

Wonder how many of these homes that have the children doing nothing, have one adult doing the majority of everything.

If your DH says you and he own the house then presumably the children have no right to take up space in it. If they can’t have the usual stacks of toys then I agree they don’t have to help put toys away.
If you live as a family you all have rights and responsibilities. Most of us learn to do housework, cooking, laundry etc by participating at home.

I see it as by letting DC help with cleaning, they are learning life skills. Each time they do it right or feel good about improving a skill it's a little bit of success. They feel like they have contributed to the household. They feel proud of what they have done. They learn to respect their belongings, the home you provide for them and their own free time.

Its all positive and resilience building for them.

Would DH accept it as building up their independence and self confidence?

@Hovverry

If your DH says you and he own the house then presumably the children have no right to take up space in it. If they can’t have the usual stacks of toys then I agree they don’t have to help put toys away. If you live as a family you all have rights and responsibilities. Most of us learn to do housework, cooking, laundry etc by participating at home.

@Hovverry I think your final paragraph sums up my thinking - everyone in the family should do their bit. I'm not talking about DD scrubbing the bathroom from top to bottom every week or anything, but just things like wiping down the sink (and shower when she's older), topping up loo rolls and soap, making sure the towel is changed regularly etc.

To answer those who asked how DH learned to do housework, in all honesty I'm not sure he did! He cleans the kitchen every week, for instance, but basically just wipes down the worktops. He would never think to clean the fridge or cupboards or floor. To be honest I probably clean it nearly as much every day after lunch, when I give it all a wipe down - the only difference really is that he moves the dishes rack and food waste bin to do underneath them.

Laundry is a disaster; he didn't know until recently that it actually mattered which setting you used, and had no idea what fabric softener is.

So he thinks YOU should do almost all the domestic work?

He would be involved in everything until he learnt how to function, assuming he has any redeeming qualities.

Ask him if he wants he children to be incapable adults such as himself that needs others to do the basics for them?

Because honestly if mine turned out like that I would feel embarrassed at how much I had failed parenting.

Although would have fun if his parents are those interfering ones who proclaim to have done a wonderful job!!

@Dozer

So he thinks YOU should do almost all the domestic work?

No, he's happy to do his share. He just doesn't always do it brilliantly (though he is improving).

The old “not very good at it” / “needs training” chestnut