Nurse now off sick

[Mrspimplepopper]

I'm not sure why I'm posting. I'm an icu nurse. Been qualified 15 years. Worked in icu for 6 years.

I'm broken, truly at the end of what I can take. The things I've seen at work, the covid situation has simply tipped me over the edge. Luckily occupational health are being brilliant and have arranged counselling. My first session is Thursday. Im scared.

I'm anxious, can't sleep, feel sick, can't breathe. When I do sleep I have nighgmares about the hospital and icu

I'm embarrassed, I haven't told anyone outside my house that im off sick. I'm not able to hold my head up and feel proud like I used to.

I genuinely don’t understand why you would not feel immensely proud of yourself and how you’ve contributed to people’s lives recently and throughout your career. I am not surprised you are poorly, it is your body telling you to take a massive break, well done for listening.l, you own it to yourself and your family.

And thank you for all you do/have done, it’s a bloody hard and hugely important job.

You should feel very proud.
What you have had to experience must be horrific, you have touched, and saved, many patients lives. You have no doubt spoken to patients loved one on the phone, updating them on their relatives condition, helped them face time, waved recovering patients off the ward, treated those that have, unfortunately, died and been working at great risk to yourself. You have nothing to be embarrassed about, you have been strong for so long, dealing with all the stress, it’s bound to have an effect and now you need to take time out.
I’m glad OH are being supportive, I hope the counselling helps

You will feel proud again. Right now, you are understandably traumatised. The counselling will help. Take the proper time out now to heal and prioritise yourself. Long walks in green spaces will help if that's your thing, and thank you for what you've done.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. If you're sick, you're sick no matter where you work.

Take some time out for you and get well soon.

Sending you a big hug through the ether.
Be kind to yourself.
You won't be the only one.
And it will pass.

Best wishes.

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. I felt similar when I was Nursing. I'm very relieved I got out when I did. I can't imagine how bad things have been. I have Nursing friends who don't work in ICU and some of them have been terribly traumatised by working in a unit where covid has taken hold and many staff have been very poorly.

Thankyou for your kind comments.

I don't know how I will ever feel ok again. Im scared for the counselling. I don't know what to say

I remember a conversation prior to Covid19 when a bunch of medics decided that we probably all had mild PTSD from what we'd experienced. I cannot imagine how much more so this must be the case after being on the frontline for this pandemic. You are not weak. You are human, and have suffered a moral injury at work.

If the counselling doesn't help then ask for EMDR. It is really helpful with post traumatic stress disorder.

I'm a nurse of almost 30 years. Primary care. I could never ever do what you have done. Take all the time you need and prioritise yourself from now on.

You have taken the most important step standing up and saying 'I am not okay', this takes an enormous amount of bravery to do this. Of course you are frightened, this is new and strange and you are used to feeling confident and in control. Counselling is far out of your normal experience, but the counsellor is a trained professional who is there to take you through the process.
Please be kind to yourself, you have seen things that 6 months ago no one could have imagined happening.

Headspace app was free to nhs staff til end of year. I'm not sure if it still is but would definitely recommend. Also nhs front line staff whose job has become massively different and challenging through all this yet probably not a patch on what you have seen and dealt with. I use the app every night to fall asleep and also if I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I hope the counselling goes well.

Your all so kind thankyou

I'll give the headspace app a go thankyou for that.

I've never heard of emdr

I work in elderly wards, not ICU and definately haven't seen half the things you have, however our covid wards were also tough going. I'm struggling now. I didn't struggle at the time but a bit like you, I can easily think back to how hard going it was and how heart breaking it was for the patients and the families. Definitely seen things I've never seen before nor would I want to see again. It was/is a global pandemic and you are only human. Please don't give yourself a hard time over how you are feeling. Please take the time, take the support to try and process what has happened and how you feel. You'll get there, we all will but just take each day as it comes.

EMDR sounds a bit weird but lots of good evidence to support it.

Everything you’ve written sound so like PTSD. Please persist in getting help to deal with it. Sometimes counselling takes a few goes and different counsellors to get to what works. YY to emdr.

You will get through this. Have faith in yourself. Believe it. Be honest with people, they will understand and help you in ways you don’t even know yet. The shame is common, truly undeserved, and will pass. I promise. Many good wishes to you.

Thank you for everything you have done. Look after yourself now.

Your all so kind thankyou

No thank you. It's people like you who have kept us going through the last few months.

You don't need to feel embarrassed, take the time you need and get well soon.

I've recently had counselling and then cbt for ptsd, anxiety and depression.

Please don't spend the next few days agonising over it and what to say, I found that in the counselling setting the words just fell out. It was easier to speak to someone who didn't know me, had no expectations of me, probably wouldn't see me again after the sessions. I was nervous prior, but I'd built it up in my head.

Thank you for do the job you do, you make a difference, and well done for realising you aren't too well right now, remember you are the priority now.

I hope you manage to find some peace and begin to build yourself back up soon.

Thank you op.

And get a rest now

Big hugs for you OP .

Im a nurse off sick and I genuinely dont think i can go back .

I think my mind & body are at the point of not being able to take any more .

Im seriously looking at alternative jobs where i can be empathic & compassionate without all the trauma and lack of support on top .

Look after you lovely. You are important & need to put you first for a while. Do NOT rush back .

EMDR is excellent but is far safer when there is one significant incident... yours sound more like vicarious trauma which many HCPs get . Look at things around grounding techniques, mindfulness exercises and identifying soothing & distracting activities.

Definitely keep a routine too x

This is burnout talking and you WILL feel like 'you' again, not tomorrow, or next week but it will come.
I echo what others have said, I'm in primary care, I deal with alot of end of life and tragic circumstances but absolutely could not do your job and especially in recent months. Please don't underestimate what you have been through, it is not any kind of weakness that your off. I too have been off with burnout; emotional, physical, just had no more to give and when your abit better you will see that but right now like others have said take all the time you need to care for yourself. I guarantee you that other colleagues will be feeling the same.
You will naturally feel anxious about counseling, your going to speak to a stranger about things you havnt told anyone else but honestly they will guide you through it and it will help, you can say as much or as little as you need to.
I second headspace for anxiety/sleep and alsoindful walks.
Wishing you all the best and sending huge hugs xxx

Just an update

Spoke to occy health on Monday. Im off work for 6 weeks while I have the counselling. Phoned my gp today for a fit note and he was really abrupt. Made me feel rubbish. He doesn't know why I need so long off. Made me go down to the surgery with my letter from occy health. I feel the absolute pits.

My manager phoned this afternoon. She was bloody lovely. She wants a referral to psychology for probable ptsd, she asked if I was OK with that rather than waiting till after the counselling. She was really supportive.

All the interaction today has worn me out. I feel terribly anxious atm.

Don't let your GP upset you. I used to dread dealing with mine over MH issues, it would send my anxiety sky high. I think I actually told him once!

It's fantastic your Manager is so supportive (as they should be) and a PTSD referral sounds like a sensible intervention.

You're doing brilliantly just engaging with all this.

Op please be immensely proud of yourself for what you have had to endure and see during the most stressful and unimaginable time in everyone's lives.

Don't feel shame or guilt op. I am totally not surprised you need a break and I'm pretty sure there will be many many of our nhs feeling exactly the same and doing exactly the same as you need to do right now.

Massive big hugs to you op.

Now you need some real self care to get yourself back to you.
Take it and use the time well

Yoga if you don't already practice is amazing for calming and for the mind op.

I start most days with just ten mins when I'm feeling anxious and it works wonders for me.
That and the calm app

Have warm baths. Treat yourself to some luxury items.

Be kind to yourself x