How do I ‘become’ a lesbian at 45?

[Randomfires]

Silly title I know but it’s a serious question deep down. I was in a relationship with a man for 15 years and have two children. We split up last year and I’m considering that I might actually be a lesbian. I’ve not wanted sex with a man - or found men attractive - for many years. Although I definitely did when younger. There are literally no men I fancy. But there are women I fancy - however I’ve never ‘gone there’ so don’t know if this is a real thing for me or if maybe I’m asexual. I’m just very confused.

How on earth does one go about exploring these things at 45?! If I went on Tinder as a lesbian wouldn’t everyone hate me for being a divorcee experimenter?!

It's really common for women to discover their lesbianism after children or after 40. I have actually three close friends who have gone full gay since 35 and I expect two more to come along shortly.

Google lesbian in later life. You are not alone.

As said, it's incredibly common so I wouldn't worry on that score

I don't know about dating. For sex/trying it out you can just go online to sex or dating websites as bi curious, meet someone else bi curious and experiment. If more daring, you could try (post pandemic) women only sex clubs or sex nights. Just watch, or maybe try a little, or a lot.

Thanks both - I really want to explore but terrified women will just think I’m ‘playing’!

His is just how I feel, I’m 39 xx

Has someone told you this? Why would you get this idea?

It's a very normal route.

I know what you mean OP. I'm a similar age. I've always had relationships with men and good sex but am single and have no interest anymore.

I've always been open to sex with women but it's never happened. I would also feel like a bit of a fake looking for someone now and that puts me off.

Some women like it as a concept, being 'the first', others might be wary. That's no big deal. I personally started down the 'bi curious' route - there are soooooooo many other women out there who are the same - and now would confidently say I was bi. Nowadays I don't bother meeting bi curious women as it can be a bit hit and miss (as in, sometimes you are a curiosity/experiment and sometimes they decide they are very much not bi and it's a bit awkward) but I found so so many women out there, 30s and 40s, who wanted to try, see, take that first step

@kojolo no-one has told me this specifically but I’d feel like the silly cliche of a woman getting divorced and wanting to ‘experiment’. I feel like lesbians that have Always been in relationships with women would look down on me.....and how would you tell someone you’d never been with a woman before.....

I’ve been trying heterosexual dating apps but I literally can’t fancy any of the men

@NoHardSell well do I take the step?! Definitely not into sex clubs or the like

I think, gently, you've got into your own head a bit over this. It's understandable because it's actually a big deal to embrace something so deep and personal when you've suppressed it for years. You actually don't need to be completely sorted out about this right now.

You don't need to be approved by the Council Of Lesbians. It doesn't matter if you're a cliche or whatever. You're not a storyline; you're a person. You just need to meet a few women and see how you go. That is ok. You are allowed to have desires and you are allowed to explore them. It's actually fine. You are fine.

I don't think you'd be looked down on. It certainly wouldn't bother me as a gay woman. As others have said there is nothing particularly unusual about it. Depending on where you live you will probably have opportunities for something casual if you want to try if for size as it were! I'd just be open about your situation and your uncertainty so that nobody feels messed around, and then see what happens.

I like the 'bicurious' label for this, but you may feel you are definitely lesbian but just not yet experienced. Go for it! I am personally a fan of honesty so just pop in the bio that you are inexperienced. Any dating app would work the same I would think.

(Sex clubs that are women only are super chill, like an ann summers party that goes a bit more x rated)

My mother decided in her 40's that she was gay. We had a friend who was in her 40's, with 2 boys, who decided she was gay.
Why does it seem to happen at that age?
My parents had been married for 22 years. She was with her partner for 25.
I personally feel that you are who you are and ain't nobody have the right to judge you for it. Plus my son is gay.
I think that gay people are more accepted, certainly by people not in high school.

@kojolo that’s the kindest post, thank you for that

@Gingaaarghpussy I’m not worried about being accepted my friends and family - just worried about looking silly in a world I’m not familiar in

You won't look silly to anyone.

This is your one shot life, don't waste it!

Op, im exactly like you - except im in a relationship with a man and have a DC.
If it becomes that I am single in the future, I'll without a doubt be following the bisexual/lesibian route. Ive always been curious ever since my teen years and used to be more attracted to women then men! In my mid 20s that changed, but now I think about women often again.

Like PP I've known of at least 2 women in thier 40s discovered thier gay side.

I think go for it, be honest, be open and see where it takes you.

Good luck op x

I dont think you'd look silly. It's a minefield, there are so many obstacles, even in this day and age.
I cant advise you on this subject other than to be you and fuck anybody else. It's just as difficult for you as it is for my son, he told me he had a boyfriend and 2 days later said he didn't, cuz the boy said he didn't really like him. I told him that my experiences, at his age were no different, even though I'm hetro.
I feel that you should explore but remember high school and you will probably have luck.

I think you're worrying too much. I guess it depends where you live as to how easy it is to meet women & how you'd prefer to meet them, but no
Ones going to think you're a fraud or playing at it! If you meet someone you like, just be honest & have fun!!

Follow your dreams! I second the sound advice from @kojolo .

Female sexuality is flexible and fluid; that is a good thing. Don’t worry so much about labels. Just see yourself as “sexual”, it does not need a prefix.

And we’ve all had a first time. .

be you and fuck anybody else

Well, not anybody…

Female sexuality is flexible and fluid

Not true

I was married to a man for 10 years and had many boyfriends before that.
I'm now married to a fantastic woman. We were friends for about 10 years before we got together. We've been together romantically for 7 years and it's great.

OP my situation and personal circumstances are so similar. I possibly carry a bit more baggage because I think twenty years ago I suppressed my feelings because it wouldn't have been ok with my family.

I have the same worries about it being annoying for gay women to date someone so uncertain.

Its feels quite daunting. Like there is a whole culture that I wouldn't "know" rather than it just being about each individual relationship, connection. I don't know how much that is just my perception.

I have never come across a sex club!

@kojolo
What a reassuring post. Thank you.