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Original poster

My daughter doesn’t want to return to uni

45 replies

SoniaAsh · 26/06/2020 07:38

As all her lectures will now be online, my only child decided it made financial sense to live at home for her third year, starting in September, but she has now announced that she wants to drop out altogether. She has no job, no ambition, has spent 3 months doing nothing. I have told her that dropping out at this stage is not an option as it would be a big mistake, both financially and career wise. Also, I’ve just lost my job, my maintenance will stop and we will be forced to live on the money I have saved for my retirement in 3 years time. Am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Anotheronetwo · 26/06/2020 07:46

YANBU. I think you need to make it clear that living with you is not an option if she drops out. This isn't you being mean or controlling- you can't afford to support her.

TorkTorkBam · 26/06/2020 07:49

You are going to have to go hardcore and demand proper rent and bills or she moves out now she is an adult. Money to start being paid to you now.

PenguinIce · 26/06/2020 07:57

What a shame it would be if she didn’t continue when she has got so far. Would she consider going back and seeing how she feels in 6 months time? I think a lot of people are struggling with the thought of going back after being home for so long But I think it would be foolish to make any permanent decisions now. Good luck 💐

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Lobsterquadrille2 · 26/06/2020 08:11

One of my daughter's friends wanted to drop out for her third year (a couple of years ago so not lockdown related) and it was her friends who persuaded her that it would be madness to have a student loan to repay and nothing to show for it. She completed her degree in the end. Does your daughter have friends either from school or university to talk to?

Otherwise yes, totally fair that if she is set on dropping out, she must contribute to your household running costs and I would itemise them. Set down in black and white, it might seem less appealing.

Jodri · 26/06/2020 09:08

YANBU. I felt like dropping out so many times during my degree. My mum always said give it till the Christmas break and then review how you feel. I always felt better by then.

As PP said it would such a shame to drop out now. Having any degree opens up more doors and it gives you options and choices in the long run. Even bad experiences and outcomes will help her grow and develop and can be used to an advantage.

If she is set on dropping out then I would insist she must contribute to the household (she’s important to you and your household) and she must have a plan (I wouldn’t insist on this immediately as breathing space can be invaluable). Hope that helps

MindyStClaire · 26/06/2020 09:27

Is she certain absolutely everything is online? I don't think many institutions are taking that approach, so it may be that lectures are online but tutorials, seminars etc will be held in person. That may make it more appealing to return.

Snog · 26/06/2020 09:29

What are her reasons for wanting to drop out?
Can you ask to see a list of her pros and cons?

ChangeThePassword · 26/06/2020 09:30

Dropping out doesn't have to mean the end of the road.

My brother dropped out. A few years later he went back to finish his degree and is now doing a PhD.

Its not ideal - but neither is being forced to do something you don't want to do. Maybe have a proper conversation with her, about why she wants to do it and what she plans to do going forward. Explain your circumstances and that you can't afford for her to live there and not be contributing.

Take it from there.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/06/2020 09:32

It's going to be better if you try to work with her rather than against her in this.

Is she willing to look for a job? Could she consider deffering the year or finishing her degree through the Open University later on?

Frenchfancy · 26/06/2020 09:32

No uni = pulling her weight. Point out how much rent she will need to pay and she might change her mind!

FiveToFour · 26/06/2020 09:40

YANBU,but all lectures online sounds awful and is not what she signed up for.I realise life at the moment isn't what any of us signed up for but still...

Entirely online at home,no physical social contact with lecturers,her friends,other students on the course? I think that will be very difficult,studying online is a very different experience ( I've done both ).
While staying at home makes financial sense could you/she afford for her to live away?
I would try to talk to her more ( I'm sure you have,I am at a similar stage to you and I know a lot of my discussions with mine are coloured by my worry about their future and about my retirement mixed up together,which isn't always helpful.)
Also is her lack of ambition genuine lack of ambition or that she she has no idea what to do or how to achieve it? In that situation its much easier to sit around doing nothing but she would be much better off to finish her degree,however hard it is.
A d going off on a tangent its all very well to say if she drops out she must contribute - well,of course,but if she can't get a job? It all depends why she wants to drop out.No money might be awful for one person,another might not be bothered at all.( unless your bottom line is that she will have to leave home?)

MarieG10 · 26/06/2020 09:40

Living at home does make sense if doing her third year but dropping out at this stage with mass unemployment looming is irrational

I know if a fair few that have either dropped out, or decided not to go to university in September. What is a "theme" is that I don't want to go to university without the "experience" which actually means the social life and drinking as opposed to studying!

What is difficult is when she has made her mind up...but contributing is essential although getting jobs, even part time is getting harder

Quarantimespringclean · 26/06/2020 09:42

My DD was in a similar position some years ago. We said that she would have to sign on until she found work and would need to contribute financially once she got a job. Her monthly pocket money /allowance from us would also stop mThis reality check changed her mind and she went back to uni.

With hindsight I regret it. We severely underestimated how unhappy she was at uni and in the end she didn’t get a good degree so it didn’t help her much in finding work. She is now settled in a job she enjoys (although WFH at the moment so a bit lonely) and is so much happier than she was back then. I wish I’d supported her to leave and find her own path sooner. Particularly as she wasn’t at a UK uni so we had to fund her for the entire time!

Bagelsandbrie · 26/06/2020 09:43

Well if she doesn’t go back she will need a job instead. And to pay rent. It’s that simple. Staying home and just doing nothing isn’t an option.

Dropping out in the third year isn’t the end of the world. My dh had a breakdown in his third year and didn’t go back and now has a really good job but he had to really work hard to move up the ranks.

PAND0RA · 26/06/2020 09:46

Well if you’ve lost your job and she quits uni, one or both of you will have to go out and get a job. Don’t spend your retirement savings to support an idle 21 year old.

Also she will need to do at least 50% of the housework or all of it if you are working and she’s not.

So you need to sit down and discuss these hard facts with her. She probably thinks she can spend most of her time Sleeping or on the x box While going out at the weekend and partying on your money.

What benefits Are you both eligible for ?

SweetPetrichor · 26/06/2020 09:46

I'd give her the option that if she drops out she has to pull her weight - she pays her share of the bills, rent, etc.

I failed 3rd year and chose to drop out rather than retry. My parents encouraged me to keep working towards a degree - in my case, that involved changing degree to something that was a better fit for me - I got a place to start immediately through clearing after the summer. I completed that new degree, a postgrad, and now I'm working for one of the big companies in my field. So having a blip at 3rd year isn't the be all and end all.

loulouljh · 26/06/2020 09:50

What a waste that would be..she has such a short time to go. Hopefully you can persuade her to hang in there.

OlivejuiceU2 · 26/06/2020 10:04

She can take a year out and go back next year. I.e suspend her studies. If she does this I’d tell her she has to work and pay towards the bills.
Sometimes a year out does students the world of good and the often come back with a great attitude towards their studies and do very well ( I work at a Uni).

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 26/06/2020 10:13

I am currently doing a masters part time and we have been told that our lectures will be mostly online from September. To be honest I can understand your daughters point of not feeling as though the teaching experience is as good and am currently considering not returning myself. For our last semester the majority of our lectures were carried out online and yet we paid full fees whereas if we had chosen distance learning previously then there would have been cheaper courses available. It's just not the same. I feel quite sorry for those who are doing their undergraduate degrees - such difficult decisions for them to make.

EmperorCovidula · 26/06/2020 10:17

What’s the reason for this? Has she just got her results?

gavisconismyfriend · 26/06/2020 10:19

She could probably defer for a year. You could suggest she does that first and that if, within a year, she has found a job and is paying her way in life ie able to live independently, then fair enough. If not, the deal is she goes back and finishes uni. That way she won’t have backed herself into a corner she can’t get out of it, which is likely what will happen otherwise

FerventFox · 26/06/2020 10:29

She needs to check whether lectures will be fully online in september as many HE institutions are planning blended learning now with a mixture of online lectures and face to face seminars/tutorials. It's also worth remembering that so far the plan is mostly for this to co tune to christmas but then potentially back to normal in jan if the situation allows it. There are also benefits go online lectures such as them being recorded and therefore can use them for revision and reference after the lecture date.
If it's because she didnt feel they did great in march, it's worth remembering that university lecturers had as much notice of closure and moving to online as students did. But most have spent the summer working on and training to delivery online sessions successfully. She will also still be able to benefit socially if shes in a house share as she will be living with other young people.

If she absolutely will not go back, then I agree with Pp that she will Have to look for full time work and contribute substantially to the household due to the current circumstances, as potentially and unfortunately she will find a job much easier due to age etc.

Medievalist · 26/06/2020 10:35

Is she struggling with the work and feels she'd rather be able to say she dropped out rather than have a low class degree on her cv - or even fail?

MindyStClaire · 26/06/2020 10:51

If it's because she didnt feel they did great in march, it's worth remembering that university lecturers had as much notice of closure and moving to online as students did. But most have spent the summer working on and training to delivery online sessions successfully. She will also still be able to benefit socially if shes in a house share as she will be living with other young people.

This is an important point - in March, it was very much a case of striving for "good enough", and more importantly, "punctual enough" given the lack of notice. Expectations and standards will be much higher in September.

milveycrohn · 26/06/2020 10:56

If all lectures are on-line, will she not have access to university facilities, such as library or laboratory, depending upon which course?
Will group tutorials /seminars also be on-line, and will all uni friends remain at home.
Will uni sports facilities be closed?
I think lectures are only part of university, and this may be because they are usually in a large lecture forum, which 100s of students all packed together.
So, I think she needs to find out what facilities will be available, and if it is just lectures.

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