My daughter doesn’t want to return to uni

[SoniaAsh]

As all her lectures will now be online, my only child decided it made financial sense to live at home for her third year, starting in September, but she has now announced that she wants to drop out altogether. She has no job, no ambition, has spent 3 months doing nothing. I have told her that dropping out at this stage is not an option as it would be a big mistake, both financially and career wise. Also, I’ve just lost my job, my maintenance will stop and we will be forced to live on the money I have saved for my retirement in 3 years time. Am i being unreasonable?

Hi OP.

Tough situation.

Is this out of character for her? Has she lost her mojo?

Can you encourage her to speak to an advisor before making a decision ?

I’d advise her to speak to student services as well. My DS has had a difficult end to year one, we have now spoken to student services and they have been so helpful and supportive.

It sounds awful and very disappointing for her, really tough. Could she be depressed. All the people saying ‘she’ll have to get a job’ - really? Have you seen the news recently? She needs to speak to the uni - what exactly are they planning? Could she still live there? What are her friends doing? What is Plan b?

If she drops out, she needs to start paying her way now, One way to ensure this is that if she drops out and doesnt find a job immediately, then she is to contribute to half of all household bills and chores.

You definietly should'nt be using your retirement savings to fund her living at home

*Missed part of my pp.
If she doesnt find a job to contribute, then give her a timescale to move out!

Yanbu.
Is she feeling a bit depressed? It's such an odd time especially for young adults who have less life experience and therefore less of a sense of perspective.
I wanted to drop out in my final year but so glad I didnt. Ended up with a 2.1. Never really used my degree but glad I have it. Think I would have always felt like I'd failed in some sense but obviously not everyone would feel like that. Hard to say without knowing more.
I certainly wouldn't let her live off your resources, not to be mean spirited but you need to think of yourself too.
Hope it all works out.

If she moves back, now she is adult, the council tax 25% discount will stop, you'll be using almost twice as much water, probably 1/4 more electricity etc etc. So you will need at least that much from her just to cover those costs, then there is food...

I would say she has to go back and at least try it for a term, because she is so near finishing it would be a shame not to come away with something that might help her in her career later on to show for all that student debt.

Well she sounda depressed and lost, I'm not sure telling her youre kicking her out on the streets is the way to go.

Does she have friends? Def encourage her to talk to them, and her tutors. It's a shame to rack up so much debt for nothing.

It's fair to have a talk about what happens if she does quit. "you do realise if you quit your Dad will stop paying the £x that covers your costs and I can't afford to cover that, so what would your plan be for work?" Could she go and live with her Dad? What benefits will ypi be entitled to now you're out of work and what job seekers will she get SHORT TERM whilst she looks? Did she take out student loans and has it all been spent?

It's reasonable if she's going to be an adult thst she faces up to the adult costs of cohabiting with another adult. That might be enough to get her back to Uni

She can make a claim for benefits if she becomes an unemployed adult not in education, for starters, so the two of you do not have to rely solely on your savings.

Why does she not want to return? What is going on for her right now? I know you've told her it's "not an option"- what is her response? She must have given you some idea of why she wants to drop out at this stage.

First of all, thank you all for your comments, I feel quite relieved. She has decided she doesn’t like her course but I think she’s been influenced by half of her flat mates also dropping out in the past year. One has fallen out with her for pulling out of a flat share for the next academic year and one has finished her degree. She says ‘there’s no point in going back’. We are very close so throwing her out is not on the cards but I feel she is making a big mistake and will just drift on doing nothing all day, every day. Being thoroughly lazy for 3 months hasn’t helped her, whilst I am anything but.

She's conflating 2 issues here (and perhaps you as well). 1, Where she lives and 2, the course.

Her reasons for living at home seem understandable - friends have left, she's fallen out with flatmate, costs are higher, she likes home. Fair enough.

Her reasons for dropping out of the course don't make sense at face value - it's going to be online (well she'll living be at home anyway so online surely makes it easier), other people have dropped out (so what?), she doesn't enjoy the course - well financially she'll owe her uni fees for 2 years and end up with no degree whether she enjoyed it or not or she'll complete the course online from home and end up with a degree worth a lot of money. There's nothing else she wants to do instead and it's bloody hard to get a job at the moment.

I'd be asking her in more depth if something is going wrong with her studies. Has she failed some modules that she hasn't told you about? Is she worried she wont cope with third year level studies and dissertation etc? Is there an issue with a particular module or person or area that she can move away from in the third year? Is she suffering from some MH issues? What exactly is behind this?

As PPs say, the online element is likely to be better planned and organised from September. Plus third year uni is very often a greater part of self study and research so she'd be working independently anyway. It doesn't make sense at least to try it. She's on the home strait now.

What would you have said to her if she decided to drop out the term before GCSEs or A levels? My line would be find out exactly what's going on, see if there's a better alternative to do instead and then consider dropping out.

I can remember getting to the end of year two of my second degree and really thinking I couldn't go on. However by remembering why I had started in the first place I managed to get myself back at the end of year three. The time went really quickly.

It sounds as though your daughter is struggling and feeling down -it happens to all of us. I think seeking some advice from the university and creating some calm space to look at the options could help.
If she has come so far it seems a shame to give up now.

If she certainly doesn’t want to study, ten it’s probably best she doesn’t - otherwise she could end up with a very poor degree that isn’t a great deal of use. 2 suggestions:

1. Contact the university to see if she can suspend study for one year.

1. Ask for an exit award, so that she has a qualification - if she’s done 2 years & passed them, she should be eligible for a Diploma in Higher Education (two thirds of a degree). She can then take that and it will be helpful to have a higher education qualification when job hunting AND she can return to university one day with these credits, possibly entering direct into the third year of a degree.

I dropped out of uni in my second year. I will forever be grateful to my parents that they supported me (emotionally) in doing so rather than make me feel bad about it.

I paid my own way at uni and beyond, so there was no financial aspect to their support. When I quit I got a full time job and carried on paying rent in my shared house, as before. I never moved back home.

I worked my way up in a job to a very high position and a very high salary. I've since been able to dial back on that and take a lower (but still lucrative) job. I also went back to uni recently and did a part time degree in a subject unrelated to my job - just for fun!

However, there have been times in my job where I find myself in a room surrounded by people who all had degrees. In those moments I wish I'd stuck at it, just so that I didn't feel second rate. But maybe I still would have...

What I do know is that in those final months at uni I woke up most mornings disappinted to have done so rather than just go on sleeping forever. If my parents would have pressured me to stay, who knows what damage it would have led to.

Just another anecdote from someone for the pot...

Our lectures are all online because 250 students sitting together in a lecture theatre at the moment is nonsense. However we are having small group sessions, and the online lectures won't be forever. I suspect (unless we have a huge second spike) we will be back to something approaching normal in semester 2. I would ask her to think about the entire third year rather than the first few months of it.

What haffdonga said.

So, my DD has now ‘fessed that she has failed 6 out of 8 modules! That puts a different perspective on the issue. She is very dyspraxic and has Aspie traits. I don’t think she gets any extra help with organisation at uni. She also has little to no concept of time, so whist she is incredibly lazy, I’m sure these traits have contributed to her situation. Now I don’t know if it’s fair to make her resit year 2. Will try to get her to see a counsellor with experience of her SLD’s before making final decision. Thanks for all your comments, every one valuable.

Do you know why she wants to drop out
Has something gone wrong at Uni
Is this out of the blue for her
I don't think you can tell her she must go back to Uni
You can tell her she has to move out etc but that seems a bit harsh
Talk to her,try and find out what is going
Encourage her to speak to student support
Maybe take a bit of time out
Ok if you still think she's just being lazy in a few months maybe get a bit heavier, but a bit of time and support now could save long term problems

Sorry missed your update
Good luck

@SoniaAsh definately speak to student services, my DS situation is similar, he has ASD and didn’t access any help, just slipped through the cracks and missed lots of work, it then feels difficult to get back on track.
We are slowly working through it and he’s intending to resit units in August.
The Covid situation means he doesn’t have to redo as much as in a normal year.
We are also now getting help from student services and they will put things in place for next year.
I’d contact her tutor or head of course and student services.

My DS signed a disclosure form so I can be included in the discussions, he’s having weekly zoom sessions with student services, it’s really helpful.