responding to sexist fuckwit

[Foxesinsockses]

Just packing up my groceries into the car and herding children into their car seats when this chap wanders by (clearly heading for the shop) and says 'A woman's work is never done!' I look a bit baffled as I'm trying to think of a reply and he says 'I'm on my own now, so I have to do these things too' I said 'well I'm sure men can manage perfectly well' (trying to be sort of nice, even though I am thinking WTF??). He replies, wandering off 'I was in the military my dear, we didn't have ladies to look after us'. I sort of smiled/glared and said again 'And I'm sure you manage perfectly well'

then I slammed the tailgate shut and muttered 'twat' to myself.

'Ladies' FFS.

I mean it's not my mission in life to give some random bloke a feminist lecture in a supermarket car park but seriously, I should have done something more shouldn't I?

Wow. Just wow.

I’d have said ‘How deeply tragic that a man has to do his own grocery shopping’. And possibly ripped his head off. But you didn’t miss an educational opportunity. This type doesn’t change.

My mother has form for getting sentimental over men over the age of 50 shopping alone, as though the prospect of a man buying his own toilet paper and cabbage is the saddest possible sight.

The internalised misogyny on this thread makes me despair. Of course he was horribly sexist. You responded pretty well considering you weren’t expecting it. Horrible smug man trying to score points for having to do “women’s work”. Ugh.

[quote Samtsirch]@Foxesinsockses
Look up all of Dr Zeuss’s Work
You might find yourself shamed in them.[/quote]
It's Dr Seuss.

I'm familiar enough with his work to be able to spell his name.

HTH

Just catching up this morning. I am honestly genuinely surprised by how many people (women presumably) think that this was okay and that I should be fine with it and should be kinder. How on earth do we hope to progress if this kind of crap goes unchallenged?

Just for the record though, I wasn't rude to him.
Also I wasn't massively busy and stressed - the assumption that I was (all I said was I was putting the shopping in the car and herding children - pretty standard stuff) feels like creating a narrative or a context that somehow makes what he said into sympathy for me that I should be grateful for. Why would I need anyone's sympathy for doing my grocery shopping? According to a PP I was 'hot, tired and irritated' - actually none of these things. I was having a joke with my children about getting home quick before the ice lollies melted. But it seems to suit some to create a picture which didn't exist, to paint him as a hero and me as a stressed, over-reacting, over-sensitive nasty woman.
It's been interesting though!

@Foxesinsockses I think you're absolutely right in your analysis - totally spot on!

It's unconscious sexism, we're so socially conditioned (as many posters are displaying) to accepting these sexist assumptions and behaviours. It's tragic that even many women can't see it for themselves - immediately making assumptions about the "lonely older" being sympathetic and chatty, and telling you to "be kind" and calm down

Even if the guy was trying to be sympathetic, that doesn't diminish the sexism in his comments.

You are being absolutely ridiculous, totally overreacting and I’m embarrassed on your behalf. He wasn’t sexist at all.

People like you making mountains out of molehills like this is exactly why people don’t take sexism seriously. You are doing more harm than good.

Take off your sexism glasses and look at the world as it actually is.

@Lalala205

What more could you have done?.... Report him to the department of random strangers making chit chat in a supermarket carpark? 😳

YES!! Do you have their number?

I think you over reacted and you know you did. I'm as staunch a feminist as any but you really need to pick your battles, it sounds as though he as making friendly polite small talk & judging by his age they were apt comments for his generation. Maybe just be kind. He was.

My DM and MiL have said this to other women over the years.

Not quite sure what that may or may not add to the party.

Presumably the OP point is that it's sexist because a man said it ?

OP, I completely agree with you. Assigning roles to you based on your gender = sexist. Assuming that shopping and childcare is 'woman's work'. I'dve probably been stuck for something to say as well though - probably would've reacted in the same way as you. And you're right - how are we expected to change and progress if this crap doesn't get called out?!

Are you desperate for something to be offended by?

Overreacted how? I didn't rip his head off or anything. How was I unkind to him? I responded acceptably politely to his comments.

I just don't buy the 'apt for his generation' get-out-of-jail-free card. People can learn. Also, as I've said he was only about 10 years older than me, 15 at most. Does that make him my generation? Or my mum's? My mum's nearly 80, she used to casually use terms like 'P*i' and 'Ch**y' do describe people of specific ethnic origins. That was kind of commonplace then. It's not acceptable now, and funny enough my dear old mum has been able to understand that and change her habits.

My DM and MiL have said this to other women over the years Presumably the OP point is that it's sexist because a man said it ?

Can you not see that it adds another layer to it if it's a man?

If a woman says it she's empathising with your situation that she has presumably found herself in before, it's entirely different if a man says it.

If I, a white person, go up to a black person to randomly tell them it must be hard to be black at the moment am I empathising or fucking weird?

Will the person then go home thinking what a lovely white lady. She's probably a bit lonely she was just making chit chat!

Can you not see that it adds another layer to it if it's a man? confused

Not really. But I am a bit dim, so don't bother with me.

If I, a white person, go up to a black person to randomly tell them it must be hard to be black at the moment am I empathising or fucking weird?

The thing is I don't recall every hearing "Gosh, it must be hard being black" every used in light conversation. Whereas I have heard the phrase the OP did. So it's almost as if you are comparing two unlike things to make a point. Which I am sure you aren't.

Lock down is really bringing the crazy out isn't it.

I get you OP the implication is that shopping is a job for women. Reinforces stereotypes. I would also have been pissed off. Though I can't help with the responses! I never think of them in time!

OP, I can completely see why his remarks pissed you off, I'd wouldn't have liked it either.

I'm a bit at most of these replies in fact. I thought most women disliked men making sexist assumptions about them? I know I do!

Whereas I have heard the phrase the OP did. So it's almost as if you are comparing two unlike things to make a point. Which I am sure you aren't.

Are you saying that A) black people never discuss what being black is like and the difficulties involved or B) that it's normal for men to say "a woman's work is never done".

Because A is definitely a thing that does happen. B a fucking weird thing that shouldn't happen and I've never heard before.

Life is much easier when you stop trying to find things to be angry at IMO.

Yeh me too. It's blatant sexism. We should be calling it out MORE. Especially given we are going in reverse now re c19 and % of care and cleaning work falling to women increasing.

@Foxesinsockses

No.

'A woman's work is never done' = shopping, herding children is a woman's work.

'I'm on my own now, so I have to do these things too' = If his wife wasn't deceased/left him he wouldn't be at the supermarket, cos shopping is women's work

'I was in the military, we didn't have ladies to look after us' = If I hadn't spent time in a male-only environment, I'd have had every right to expect a woman to do the woman's work,

And I'm sure he meant no offence. But that's part of the problem isn't it. We just say, oh, he's a nice chap, he didn't mean any offence. the point is he wouldn't even have thought that any offence might have been taken, because he probably thought that his perspective was entirely reasonable.

We don't challenge enough, IMHO

I totally agree with this, the comments were sexist.

I'm in my 50s, and if this chap was about 60, as OP estimated, then he is NOT old enough for him to be excused the sexism. He might be lonely, but certainly not old.

I think it’s the assumption that “ladies” are put on this earth to “look after” others, I.e., serve and facilitate the lives of men, that would have annoyed me. And yes it would have annoyed me hugely.

Me, too.

I spent 30 years with my ex, and I most definitely made sure he did his share, despite him trying to be a housework avoider (he even dumped his chores on our DC when I wasn't around). The lengths he'd go to, to try and get me to take on all the chores, despite both of us working full time, was definitely down to his sexism and misogyny, and not his age.

Not that it matters but I've been working my arse off 'on the COVID front line' for the last 3 months

Oh there we go OP is above criticism now

Overreacted how? I didn't rip his head off or anything

Crikey, you've really shown the type of person you are here. I'm out.

I took the military reference to mean he was used to doing plenty of cleaning, tidying and ironing (i.e. traditional "women's work") as a matter of course, and attempting to make polite conversation by sympathising with you.