Dealing with being stood up for a date

[freitag]

Was supposed to be picked up last night for a first date. We know each other a bit and have kissed. He didn't turn up. He lives and works a few minutes' walk away. I don't have a phone so obviously not heard anything that way. Just wanted to know how to deal with the feelings and hurt. Don't want to torture myself with the 'maybe he fell down a well' excuses- is it best just to accept he didn't want to come? Not in uk. Will see him around town inevitably so not sure how to deal with that either. Part of me wonders whether I should go to his workplace to ask what happened (quietly and when no one else is around). Am torturing myself with all the things 'wrong with me' that were obviously dealbreakers for him that could have been the reason. He seemed so enthusiastic when we made the arrangements.

How do you not have a phone???

But seriously it's a horrible way to feel, been there before.
I dont think you should contact him, let him contact you.

Hkw does he usually get in touch with you if not by phone?

Its a bit complicated. The truth is I do have a phone but have real issues with communication that I'm working through so only my parents and two friends have my number. He knows I have a phone but haven't given him my number. Sorry that I misled in my post, I thought it would be simpler than explaining that.

We kissed when we happened to bump into each other on a night out, and other than that the only way for us to see each other is for me to go to his workplace.

After we kissed a few weeks ago he was very keen to arrange to see me and to get my contact details but I was a bit scared and I think I rebuffed him without realising. I realised my mistake and went to his workplace last week and we arranged this date.

Well if you don't have a phone there are many reasons why he might have had to cancel and couldn't contact you...how on earth do you manage without a phone? Sorry I know that's not the point of the post.

I think I would look at it as maybe he forgot (how long ago were arrangements made?) or changed his mind, and mentally write him off. If there was a more positive explanation I'm sure he'll be in contact in person in the next few days (if say he was unwell or had an emergency and without a phone couldn't contact you to tell you,)

Sympathies though, being stood up is horrible. I once went to a pub to meet someone. He text that he was in the pub. I arrived, asked where he was, and got a message back that he'd had to leave as something had come up! The next week I met my Ex who I was with for 6 years so sometimes these things happen for a reason.

Always a blow when this happens as a transgender lady it seems that I attract men who are keen we make arrangements but they either dont turn up or I get the unconvincing excuse. All I do is just say well that's it onwards for the next one, stay positive x

Sorry cross post...he does know where you live, so if there is a good explanation he could come round or pop a note through your door? Or do you live in an apartment block and he only knows the block but not which number?

I think the fact you don't trust him enough to have given him your number is key here, tbh. Quite apart from the fact that any number of things may have meant he was unable to go on the date and which he would normally have phoned you about to apologise and reschedule, I would feel quite impatient with someone who for whatever reason was making his/herself deliberately uncontactable, and assume that a date was likely to be quite a casual thing, especially if I knew the person had a phone but wasn't letting me have the number.

Thank you all for your replies. He does know where I live, it is communal but he could have put an envelope with my name on somewhere if he wanted, or perhaps sent someone to notify me as it is a really small town, though maybe the latter is unrealistic.

Yes Viragoesque I have real issues about the fear of getting hurt, and may have looked much less keen than I actually am. Truthfully I felt he was 'too good for me' and that is why I did not believe he wanted to see me again after our kiss and talking, and rebuffed his attempts to make a date as I thought if he is really keen then when I see him again he will try and make another date. In actuality when I went back to his workplace the following week he was rather cold to me and I took this as proof he didn't like me all along. But something happened that made me realise it might be his defense mechanism so last week I returned and and we spent an hour and a half talking and when I suggested we meet he was very keen and went to lengths to find a date and time we could both make. But I don't want to use that as an excuse if he is actually 'not that into me' and has had second thoughts. I am expecting failure and disinterest because that's what I've always got.

This is meant in the nicest way, but you cant trust him enough to give him your number but you expect him to jump through hoops to contact you.

It doesn't sound good. You dont sound sure about being with him. Is this men in general or just this guy?

@SnipSnipMrBurgess it's definitely men in general. I think he is absolutely lovely and seemed a real shift from the normal type. I really would love to get to know him better. Unfortunately I must also admit that when I talk to him, I occasionally become a little critical and catty. I think it's because I think he is so obviously better than me, and it's my insecurity. I'm never like this with anyone else, and was going to apologise yesterday evening.

Honestly, OP, you are giving off very confused signals on this thread. On the one hand, you think this guy is too good for you, and don't expect him to be interested.

On the other hand, you seem to expect him to do a crazy amount of chasing for a first date -- you rebuffed his first request for a date and expected him to ask you again to demonstrate his keenness, you didn't give him your phone number and expect him to call to your house, write you a letter or send someone to your house to give you a message about the date?

I think you're right that you have 'issues with communication', but I think you should resolve them before starting to date -- it's not fair on anyone.

And in his shoes I would find it incredibly offputting if someone I kissed on a night out but who rebuffed me when I asked them out then showed up at my workplace a few weeks later to see me.

This is very strange
How would you expect him to let you know he can't make it if he can't have your phone number?

Honestly, each post you make sort of makes it more understandable if he decided not to bother. You don’t trust him enough to give him your phone number, you gave him the brush off and tried to appear not keen, you were rude and critical of him - it doesn’t exactly sound like the opportunity of a lifetime for him, does it?

I’d just assume he changed his mind and wasn’t able to break it to you because you won’t let yourself be contacted.

@Viragoesque you are spot on. I am actually going to start therapy in the next two weeks. I have a lifetime of negative self talk and I guess it looks like self sabotage. Very poor self image.

In my mind I wasn't rebuffing him but it's clear to me now that's how it looked and what actually happened. Is there a way to fix things with this man do you think. He goes on vacation in a couple of days for a week and a half so I suppose I would see him in the next couple of days, or when he gets back, or not at all. The only way to make contact with him is to visit his workplace (my fault I know).

When you say "visit his workplace" you need to make sure you're not inadvertently getting him in to any trouble. He's there to work.

I really do agree with PP that you need to work on yourself first and not think about relationships with other people tbh.

Such a blow to anyone’s self confidence to be stood up. Since your circumstances sound different I’d try find out what happened. Is there a way you could do that subtle way, maybe via a friend

Great that you're starting therapy, @freitag. I'm inclined to agree with @MilkTwoSugarsThanks about visiting his workplace being an intrusion that potentially makes him look deeply unprofessional -- but in my head I'm seeing you walk up to his desk on a busy day in an open plan office, when I suppose it might be that he works in a nearby shop, or something, so there's a plausible reason for you to drop in...?

@Viragoesque it's hard to explain but my town is incredibly tiny and everything is incredibly laid back- he's often either alone or chatting to pals, and laughs about how little he has to do at work. It's entirely plausible that I could visit his workplace, and that we could have a chat. But I am worried about making a fool of myself if indeed he simply didn't turn up last night and I would be the badgerer that didn't get the hint. If that's the case then despite my sins it feels quite a hurtful thing for him to have done. On the other hand, a logistical reason, or my apparent indifference, would be worth discussing. Do you think I ought to go sooner rather than later to clear the air, either way?

No, I don't think you should go at all. He didn't appear for your date. It's his responsibility to explain/apologise/reschedule, not yours to find out whether some family emergency came up or whether he forgot or just lost interest.

Or indeed, not go at all?

Cross-post- thank you.

If that's the case then despite my sins it feels quite a hurtful thing for him to have done.

Yours aren't sins but then neither are his. Stop looking for blame. He's allowed to rethink a date that sounds fairly unhealthy from the outside. And he can't contact you to say that. You're allowed to have your internal needs and wants.

Its like you live in an old movie!

If that's the case then despite my sins it feels quite a hurtful thing for him to have done.

OP what sins? Are you guys living in some kind of religious cult?

I'm trying to understand this tiny village where people don't use phones and talk about their sins!

Stop looking for blame. He's allowed to rethink a date that sounds fairly unhealthy from the outside. And he can't contact you to say that. You're allowed to have your internal needs and wants.

I think that's fair.