Dealing with being stood up for a date

[freitag]

Was supposed to be picked up last night for a first date. We know each other a bit and have kissed. He didn't turn up. He lives and works a few minutes' walk away. I don't have a phone so obviously not heard anything that way. Just wanted to know how to deal with the feelings and hurt. Don't want to torture myself with the 'maybe he fell down a well' excuses- is it best just to accept he didn't want to come? Not in uk. Will see him around town inevitably so not sure how to deal with that either. Part of me wonders whether I should go to his workplace to ask what happened (quietly and when no one else is around). Am torturing myself with all the things 'wrong with me' that were obviously dealbreakers for him that could have been the reason. He seemed so enthusiastic when we made the arrangements.

People often joke about how on earth people used to cope before we all had mobile phones and clearly it isn't very well.

I was expecting to give you some sympathy and advice on someone being so shitty that they would just stand you up with no contact but the fact that you don't have a phone I don't see how he could relay to you that something had come up?
It's not realistic in this day and age to expect someone to leave a note with your name on in your housing development.
Also if whatever came up, came up just before the date he may not have had time even if he was willing to leave you a note.

On a normal "stood up" situation I would say delete and block and not to take it personally as it says more about them than you but this is so different and there's no way of knowing the reason until you see him.
I would also usually say don't show up at his work but you say that's fine where you are so ?

Hopefully there was a plausible reason and you can arrange a new date and it goes well.

@Takingontheworld I just meant that my fears manifesting as disinterest, and me being a bit negative when we were talking, as sins. I take everyone's point. @MrsTerryPratchett - is it salvegeable do you think, if I am upfront about how I have behaved. Or is it just a no go from here on in.

I think you need to do some work on yourself before you try. You'll probably bump into him at some point. If he cares, he'll explain.

OP you say you're not in the UK. I'd love to know where you are!

I'm picturing the Godfather movie - that tiny Italian village in Sicily where Al Pacino marries Apollonia.

No help at all. Sorry.

Maybe he just forgot about it?

Well I stopped by his workplace as I was on my way elsewhere and thought it was someone else's shift and needed something from there. Well, he said he got busy fixing his brakes and completely forgot. Then he said he was going on vacation for 10 days so couldn't make any other plans. He was quite non specific and said something about maybe doing something when he was back but kept talking about how busy he was and he couldn't make specific plans.

He’s just not interested, unfortunately and was too rude to say. Not having a phone gives him the perfect excuse. Well at least you know for sure now. Don’t be getting involved with him any further or kissing him again on a night out.

Thanks @Honeyroar the conversation was quite light and about peripheral subjects but I did say a couple of times if you don't want to meet up it's 100% okay we're both grown ups with a smile and he was saying no I do I'm just so busy at the moment. This is a brush off isn't it?

I feel rather stupid and that I humiliated myself by having that conversation with him. On the other hand it was a relief to know and not second guess

Also that had I 'played it cool' and not had that conversation with him he might have come to regret his decision over the next couple of weeks and been keener once he came back.

I don't think happy equal relationships start with games. So what if you not talking to him would have made him keener? That's not a plus.

I wondered whether anyone had any kind words today or advice how to take care of myself. I'm really regretting having seen him yesterday. I spoke to a friend who pointed out the man's behaviour has actually been quite unkind in various ways prior to our seeing each other on that night out and there were some red flags. Still I can't help feeling I humiliated myself and lost what little dignity I had.

Don’t feel humiliated. You were honest and upfront. You have nothing to be ashamed of, whereas he has. Keep repeating that to yourself- I have nothing to be ashamed of. He was the rude one, not me. And say to yourself I got off lightly there, at least I found out early.

Ps, you’d only lose your sign if you continue down this path. All you’ve done by going down there is speeded up the process and had your eyes opened. You could’ve been wondering for days. Just close the door on it all (slam it!) and pat yourself on the back for doing so. Focus on what you’ve done well here not what didn’t happen..

(lose your dignity not sign!)

Still I can't help feeling I humiliated myself and lost what little dignity I had.

There's definitely a script you have about what behavior is acceptable. What it boils down to is 'does it matter'? Does it matter what he thinks, or his co-workers or randoms? In the great scheme of things. Does it matter if you messed up a bit? Or not? The world still turns and everything use is tomorrow chip papers.

I find the ocean, stars and the tops of hills are good for this. Big, natural, beautiful things. They make me feel better about my petty problems.

Agree absolutely with @Honeyroar and @MrsTerryPratchett. No one can make you feel small/humiliated without your consent. You clarified things by your actions — chiefly that this wasn’t going anywhere — for the better for your own piece of mind. Don’t give him any more headspace. This is a man who forgot he was going on a date because he was ‘fixing his brakes’! Put him out of your thoughts.

and he was saying no I do I'm just so busy at the moment. This is a brush off isn't it?

Sorry, but yes it is. Please be kind to yourself and get your issues sorted out before you start thinking about dating again. Then get yourself a phone.

Thank you all for your very kind words. Thank you @Honeyroar

The bit I keep going over now in my mind is that night when he was so keen and was asking when he could see me again and for a way to contact me and I can't help but blame myself for this outcome. It was four weeks ago. I think if only I had done things differently, it wouldn't have come to this - I feel like I denied myself the potential of a whole relationship and it's hard to cope with the magnitude of this emotion.

You're way overthinking this. You come across as more invested in the analysis of what went on than what actually did happen.

You had a kiss, a date was arranged and he didn't show. It's over.

Stop dwelling and move on.

This wasn't and isn't a big love story or missed opportunity.

Get out and have some dates with a whole bunch of people. Have some fun!

I think if only I had done things differently, it wouldn't have come to this

And then he turned out to be a terrible liar and a cheat. Maybe. 'What ifs' only go one way, don't they? It's just as likely it wouldn't have worked out, in fact more likely. You're assuming you lost a chance to be happy. Just as likely you had a lucky escape.

OP don’t doubt yourself and the measures you’ve put into place to protect yourself. You aren’t comfortable giving out your number and by sticking to that set of rules for yourself you are protecting yourself.

You say you keep wondering if you should have just given him a way to contact you and it would have all been ok. How about this - you gave your number and then felt awful for going back on a promise to yourself about how best to protect yourself.

Please be kind to yourself with the words you’re using in your mind. What advice would you give to a friend about this? What are some kind words you could muster up if this situation happened to someone else. Now go and write them down and make them about you.
I am a dweller as well, I completely understand where you’re coming from here.
Take care.