I think I have some sort of spending addiction and I am so ashamed of myself

[Honestlyfeelsick]

It's got worse during lockdown. The other day my stomach was churning when the postman arrived because he brought another couple of parcels, and I thought, every day he must think I'm disgusting, he must think I just piss money up the wall.

I honestly hate myself for it. I should be saving the money, I know I should. We were poor for years and bought everything second hand and cheap, we counted every single penny. We had a horrible situation where illness and redundancy coincided and it took us years to get back on our feet. An old lady who never married or had kids, but who lived beside DH when he was a child unexpectedly left him a few grand in her will, and it was just enough to get us out of the hole, and now although we're not high earners, we are both permanent in our jobs and they're in fairly reliable sectors. So we don't have a struggle to pay the bills any more, though we still have to be careful. We live in an extremely cheap area and were able to save and get a mortgage on a small house, and it means the world

But it's like a dam has burst. Now the house is bought and we don't need to save so hard. It's like I buy things without any thought. Purchases which would have taken weeks if not months before. It's frittering away. I lie awake at night hating myself because I feel I'm going to get us in debt and we'll lose the house. But the next day, click and I've ordered something else. I hate myself. It's disgusting. How can I be so stupid and weak?

Has anyone any advice? What can I do?

Can you return any purchases for a refund OP? Would it be helpful for you to make a budget and then write down everything you've spent so you can see it in front of you. I find it so much easier to forget about my bank balance with just mindless spending. By taking to time to see what you've spent, it might act as a bit of a deterrent. You can do this!

This out of control shopping clearly fills some emotional need for you. What need do you think that is?

First off OP, breathe.

It's hard to tell from your post if you do have an actual spending problem or if you are just feeling guilty about spending money, after having to watch every penny for so long.

I guess the question is can you afford these things whilst also being able to afford your every day outgoings? Are the mortgage and all other bills paid? Enough food for the month and petrol in the tank? Then, spend your money on what you want to.

If you are having to borrow money to buy these things or are having to borrow money to meet your financial commitments because you've spent all of your money on shopping, then perhaps you do have a problem and need to stop before you get too far into debt.

I agree about returning what you can.

I also advise you to look into CBT; in some areas you can self-refer (online or by phone) and don't even have to talk to the GP, but talking to the GP would be a good idea too.

There are online CBT resources as well but I think you should get on the waiting list to have CBT with a therapist.

The negative self-talk in your post suggests to me that you definitely need therapy of some kind.

You need to start by being kind to yourself and reaching out to others for support

Can you afford it? maybe you’ve deprived yourself for so long maybe there’s a legitimate for you to buy

Are you an all or nothing type of person? As in you could manage to spend nothing when you were saving, but you can't manage to be moderate now that you can spend a little bit?

I’m the same op. I can’t control it!
My dh has been at home a lot more the last few months (not furloughed but he’s a self employed plasterer who can’t get plaster) and he was taking the piss out of how many parcels I get. He told the Hermes guy I must keep him in business. They were laughing at me. It’s literally the only thing that’s reigned me in this past few weeks.... shame. I had to delete shopping apps off my phone. I don’t buy expensive stuff! I’m talking like wilkos/asda George/ asos etc not like designer clothes or jewellery..... just absolute shite I don’t need! But it all adds up.

Can you give examples?
I mean ... it’s troubling you and keeping you awake at night but it’s hard for us to know if this is because you’re genuinely spending like a mad woman, or if you’re feeling guilt where you shouldn’t because you’re conditioned to feel you don’t deserve nice things?
Anyway, mumsnet is a bit of a strange place to ask. There are so often posts on here like ‘if you had a fiver to spend on yourself , what would you buy?’. But then really lots of us earn alright and spend money on nice things that we fancy, without guilt .

I used to be like this, what helped me was putting things into my shopping basket online but not checking out for at least 24 hours. I usually found that when I went back to it I wasn’t bothered.
For me it was the buying not things arriving so just doing part of the process worked for me. Also, don’t store your cards, if you have to go and get it and put it in it can put you off

I forget about my bank balance too. I used to check it after every purchase, but now I don't. We don't live close by a cash machine any more and now we've more money I can shop online. I need to set something up where I can check my bank balance at a glance or get it to send me a message telling me what I have left after I spend something. Though that makes me feel sick, I'm a couple of hundred into my overdraft and I'll have to see that until I can build it back up again. I've been ignoring it I suppose, being in my overdraft makes me panic

Emotional need... Yes I think so. It's mostly stuff for the house and the children. Certain things that I feel that I have to have right now, immediately, because the money may not be there. I always buy the children winter coats in spring for the following year, they are cheaper. This is the latest I've left it, and last week I started to feel really twitchy and nervous, because with covid etc what if something happens and there is no money in winter to buy a coat, and they end up cold. So I went online to check ebay, and I bidded on coats, then I saw m&s thermal leggings were down a lot, so I got some of them, then some jumpers. I honestly felt possessed or something, panicky and edgy, then when I felt I had enough to keep them warm this year I relaxed. Then after a while I think about the money spent and I feel ill. No more than £5 per item but it adds up. Books too. If the children have an interest or need to read around a topic for school, I'll order books for them, vitamins, pens, things like that. I always have to have enough. I don't hoard, we actually are quite minimalist, it's more I have to feel prepared and I can't have the children going without. One of the rentals we had, horrible damp house, luckily we were only in it a year but the heating broke down in the middle of winter, landlord wouldn't fix it for weeks, and it never worked properly after. We were freezing and the children got chest infection after chest infection. I can't have them running out of things for school either, I worry that if something happened and we had no money again, what if they ran out of pens, equipment, what if they struggled to learn because they didn't have the stuff they needed or they were cold

It sounds like you have quite bad anxiety and you would definitely benefit from talking to your GP and/or having CBT.

What kind of stuff do you buy? Stuff you need or junk? Do you use it?

No, we never have had to borrow money, except the small loan we got when we needed some repairs done.But we've never had the money to get in debt, if that makes sense

I bought a new hiking rucksack, DH suggested I treat myself as it is my birthday and I was still using my old sixth form school bag for our hikes. It's our absolute favourite thing to do together, we are so lucky to live close to a really good hiking spot, and from the children have been tiny we'd make a few sandwiches and go out for the day as it's practically free, and the children never got bored. The rucksack was in the Mountain Warehouse sale, came to about £25 including delivery for a proper hiking one. But I can't stop thinking that I need to cancel the order, that's a quarter of a hundred pounds just on me, and I used to do our weekly shop for £35 seven years ago

I think you deserve that rucksack but if it's making you so worried, something isn't right.

Oh @Honestlyfeelsick it sounds like you’ve had some tough times and so are stuck in a sort of prepping mode to protect you and the family against future risk then feel guilty for spending.

I have had a similar thing myself.

As someone said CBT can help - I did a self referral. I’ve learnt to put worry to one side, sometimes at least, and not be as compulsive.

I’m not sure if there is a spending addicts anonymous type organisation- or rather it might be Called something different but I’m sure they will understand and are likely to have Online support. I am in a different 12 step programme (OA) and it’s helped me get at the underlying issues.

It's absolutely fine to spend £25 on yourself if you can afford it.
Perhaps you and your partner could sit down together and work out a budget?
There are really helpful budgeting apps too.
If you could afford to put aside something each money toward savings, and still have a set amount left over for "discretionary" spends on yourself and/or the children, perhaps you'd feel less guilty?

Something each *month

The putting it in the basket and leaving it is a good idea.

I think I probably do have anxiety, I can't shake the feeling that everything we have we'll lose, and we won't be able to build it back up again.

I would say most of it is things we need and use, we aren't very wasteful and I do resell on ebay. But I think the fact I can just buy it rather than having to triple check my account to make sure the money is there makes me nervous.

I feel a bit better for posting actually, and admitting to it.

And the things for the children are necessary too. You're not frittering money on pointless crap. But maybe set a budget for a certain amount per month for school stationery, children's clothes etc to stop the guilt.

Honestly though from your rucksack post it doesn’t sound at all excessive, but that you are still very anxious about the future and need to always be careful because of what happened before. That is sensible to some extent, but you all need things and deserve to be happy 💐

it sounds like you’ve had some tough times and so are stuck in a sort of prepping mode to protect you and the family against future risk then feel guilty for spending.

I agree. Your anxiety and strong feelings about spending seem to stem from the past when you had difficult circumstances to deal with. You need a happy medium between having enough money left in the bank and being able to buy the things you need for your family.

And some of it is unnecessary, some of the clothes, but I try and justify it because it's second hand and only a few quid. But again it all mounts up.

Thank you for the advice about budgeting apps, I used to have a little notebook but hadn't thought of an app. Though I will struggle to talk to DH about it, I'm so ashamed. I'd like to get out of my overdraft first before I admit how far in it I am. Not that he's an ogre, he'd tell me not to be silly but I don't want him to feel disappointed in me

I didn't know you can potentially self refer for cbt, I'll look into that.

I really sympathise, I have had phases like this before. DH too - luckily we haven’t coincided so the other can help them rein it in a bit.

Having a set budget for fun spends has helped a lot as when we aren’t spendy it just builds up. You could consider doing that with kid stuff too but I know that’s harder because stuff like outgrown clothes really do need replacing (unless they have too many IYSWIM)

I think lockdown is doing crazy things to a lot of people so if it’s worse now it may not last when things get a bit more normal. There are fewer distractions, we are stuck in a lot, life is scary and different. My eating has gone to shit again for the same reason - I was doing so much better at the start of the year because I had real life distractions and now some days it feels like the only thing I have to look forward to is something sugary! It can totally be the same for spending and getting that little rush from something arriving in the post, even if it’s not actually for us. I love buying things for my toddler and as we’ve been home educating for over five years I totally sympathy for the book buying etc.

You could try and divert some of the need for things into being creative - for example at the start of lockdown I made my toddler some little matching games just out of paper, but it made me happy (and kept me busy) to know that I was making something special and a bit proud at saving money. I have finally bought a couple of actual puzzles/games for her this week but they’re more appreciated as I waited IYSWIM.

One thing that’s helped me also is a “using stuff up box” - while decluttering I found so many half/barely used puzzle books, kits etc, some unread novels, and a whole other box worth of notebooks/paper pads! Now it’s a lot easier when I’m tempted to buy something new to distract me I remember what I have in the box and work on those instead (and encourage the DCs to) - and I get the bonus of decluttering too as it’s all stuff we would either donate or chuck away when finished.

Please don’t feel so guilty - everyone has a vice and this time is just so stressful it’s natural to be more reliant on it. Addressing your anxiety and the reasons behind it would be really helpful.

Sorry that was a load of waffle!

Oh and journaling might be helpful too - just to make sense of things.

I have found it much easier to be sensible since I started checking my bank balance every day. Not to do anything with the info, just to be aware of it.