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Original poster

Struggling with looking after someone else's child in lockdown, just need a vent and some support

31 replies

unstableunicorn · 18/06/2020 21:24

Wasn't sure where to post or if it goes under parenting since I'm not a parent and I'm new to mumsnet but here goes...

Okay so I'm currently looking after a close family friend's 14 year old son, he's been living with me for about a month now. He's usually great but right now he's having trouble with missing his family and naturally being lockdown unable to see his friends etc is making things harder so any ideas how I can make things easier and emotionally support him? He's usually really helpful and sweet but the stress is making him snappy and irritable, not sure how to respond to things like 'you can't tell me what to do, you're not my mum' since it's true, I'm not. Doesn't help I think that I'm in mid twenties but look younger. I'm trying really hard to be patient and supportive but right now I'm just tired and emotional but feel like I've got to keep it together in front of him because I don't want him blaming himself or feeling any guilt. Honestly I just feel like crying and there's no one in my life who's sympathetic or can really understand my situation.

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Apolloanddaphne · 18/06/2020 21:27

Why is he staying with you? I would speak to his parents and tell them he is being rude and you will not put up with it. They can then speak to him? Are there plans for him to return home soon?

Flopjustwantscoffee · 18/06/2020 21:30

That sounds really difficult. I dont have any practical advice but If it helps im sure also theres lots of parents of teenagers who are at the end of their tether too at the moment, and thats without the additional difficulty of not being their actual parent. You are doing a kind thing though so are obviously a good person! Just remember you wont get it right all the time and be kind to yourself as well

gamerchick · 18/06/2020 21:34

Send him home?

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CommunistLegoBloc · 18/06/2020 21:36

I don't think a 14 year old thinks of a 20-something as anything but OLD, so don't worry there. But you do need to be both authoritative and sympathetic. Let him know you're there to talk, meet his needs, but don't tolerate rudeness or disrespect.

FlibbertyGiblets · 18/06/2020 21:36

Can you facilitate a mini meet up with his mates? A park type meet, you can busy yourself with a book and flask etc, in the car or park bench?

I'm deliberately not asking about his famiiy, if it was possible you'd already have taken him to see them/go home.

Any activities you can do with him at yours, minor gardening (worth a fiver) sorting out pan cupboards/cleaning high kitchen cupboard (another fiver?)

Is he the type who would go off on his bike for a few hours? No bike? Ask locally, bet you could pick one up.

Now about you. You don't have any adult support in this? Careful not to burn yourself out, make sure you're eating well, getting fresh air and exercise etc.

Original poster

unstableunicorn · 18/06/2020 21:36

He came out as gay to homophobic parents and for him to be at home would be a very toxic environment. I'm not sure when he's going back or what will happen, I'm hoping his mother will come round. It's a distressing situation for him which is why I'm trying to be quite careful, because I know he's taking out his feelings at the situation out at him and it's not personal, but today is just feeling more difficult than usual

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BadgertheBodger · 18/06/2020 21:37

If you went to him and said “look, I know it’s shit, I’m finding it tough too and you’ve every right to feel a bit snarly. If you want to be left alone that’s fine but I’m going to watch a film/whatever and if you want to join me you can” I bet he’d respond in kind. All teens can be snappy, the default is that adults are infuriating, embarrassing and stupid. It’s to your advantage that you’re not his mum - you can slacken the reins a bit! Just have some ground rules around respect and obviously helping around the house but otherwise I wouldn’t try and “parent” him too much.

Apolloanddaphne · 18/06/2020 21:39

Gosh that is a very difficult situation. I am not surprised he is being snappy. Not only is he coping with lockdown and all that brings he is also coping with rejection from his parents. Is there anyone else who can support you with supporting him?

BadgertheBodger · 18/06/2020 21:39

That’s a seriously tough situation. What’s the long term plan - is there one? Worth remembering as well when it all feels a bit much that children and teens usually only kick out at people they feel safe with, so you’re obviously doing something right

Original poster

unstableunicorn · 18/06/2020 21:40

@FlibbertyGiblets ooh thanks for all the suggestions! I've given him a part of the garden to care for and to the garden centre to pick out any seeds or plants but I think he's lonely. Most of his home friends parents don't want him seeing their kids, thinks they'll 'catch the gay'. Disgusting attitude. He hasn't got a lot of school friends.

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FlibbertyGiblets · 18/06/2020 21:40

Might be worth you contacting school to let them know his current whereabouts? Thoughts on this from other posters welcome..

picklemewalnuts · 18/06/2020 21:42

Can you suggest that you'll both feel better if you do some relaxing activities together, and ask him to check them out and pick one he wants to try? I'm thinking of yoga or running, tai chi etc.

Original poster

unstableunicorn · 18/06/2020 21:43

'Catch the gay' being their words not mine obviously. I have no real support, which is making things much harder. For context we're British Asian Muslims so gossip spreads round the community pretty fast and most people are either unwilling to get involved or unsympathetic because 'I chose to take him in '

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drspouse · 18/06/2020 21:43

Does he have a social worker and/or does social services know?
What you are doing counts as private fostering and they have an obligation to visit you regularly (every 6 weeks). They are there to support you and will have seen this before.

StealthPolarBear · 18/06/2020 21:45

Where is his home? 1950?
You are doing a great thing and at the moment I don't suppose there's much that can change but it's not ideal and you need to look after yourself as well x

Perch · 18/06/2020 21:45

This sounds very hard but you are doing a lovely thing, poor kid :(

gamerchick · 18/06/2020 21:46

Poor thing.

You need to contact SS if you haven't already. This needs some sort of intervention.

Footle · 18/06/2020 21:46

@unstableunicorn, you are doing such a great thing. It's so discouraging to hear of these awful closed minds.

Original poster

unstableunicorn · 18/06/2020 21:46

No, I'm in the middle of sorting that out and I'm meeting his parents this week to see if they've calmed down. I spoke to his mum about social services and I think that the thought of potentially losing him is putting things into perspective, she does obviously love him and miss him so hopefully he'll be home soon

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RaininSummer · 18/06/2020 21:47

Well you are doing a lovely thing and it must be difficult. I wouldn't try to mother him too much but cast yourself in the role of trusted sensible friend. Love the garden idea. The community sounds rather nasty and very unhelpful. Are there TV programmes you could enjoy together and/or meals yoy can enjoy preparing.

BadgertheBodger · 18/06/2020 21:48

Is he at all sporty or interested in any hobbies? A sport or hobby would help to open doors to some friends for him. I’m wondering if doing a some volunteering might provide a bit of purpose and distraction. Ultimately though this is so hard for him and there will be a lot of hurt, anger and possibly shame. It may be something for him to unpick with a counsellor if he’s receptive to that.

Toilenstripes · 18/06/2020 21:49

Does he have any support from a gay Muslim group? Sounds like he needs a friend. Poor kid. What you’ve done is very kind.

underneaththeash · 18/06/2020 21:52

You make it clear what the rules are whilst also making it clear that you’ll support him being gay. He’s still a child (I have a 14 year old) and they need lots of love and support.

Original poster

unstableunicorn · 18/06/2020 21:56

He's not very sporty, he's very into drama and crafts and things. We're watching a lot of Netflix together. No local gay Muslim groups, I'm looking online for him. It helps I think that I'm bi but still closeted so he knows I can relate and genuinely think he's admirable and brave for being himself regardless of what idiotic people think

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Original poster

unstableunicorn · 18/06/2020 22:00

Got my boxing gloves and pads out and let him have it out which he found quite satisfying!

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