What’s the longest you haven’t DTD with your DP.

[Changename353]

I’m currently going through bit of a family crisis - providing the majority of palliative to a loved one/full time carer/ grandparent fighting covid/wider family falling out/money problems/still grieving loosing two grandparents last autumn etc etc. I‘m at boiling point but I’ve got too much on my plate to even think about slowing down.

I’ve been dealing with a lot for the past year but things really stepped up a gear since Xmas and then with covid. My DP is really supportive and does a lot to help me out and my family. Our main issue is DTD - I just really don’t want to or as I’m busy 16 hours a day 7 days a week I’d rather just watch tv for 5 minutes before falling asleep. I’m worried, anxious, always thinking of the next thing I need to do and I just haven’t been in the mood at all.

We’ve still probably been doing it 1/2 a week but it’s been very half hearted on my side, I just kind of just lay there until he finishes which he said he’s not enjoying but still wants us to DTD. I’m trying to assure him that when life isn’t so stressful I’m sure we’ll go back to normal but he isn’t convinced as it’s been quite a few months now of half hearted dtd/trying to get out of it with any excuse.

I feel bad for him but I just want to press pause until I’ve at least had a couple of nights of full sleep and not worried about absolutely everything.

A good few weeks!
Sometimes life just gets in the way

With my ex, about 9mo because he was being a knob! We broke up after that.

It's good that you're thinking of his sexual needs but maybe less frequent but more desired would be better?

I think the problem is you are trying to do it half heartedly as a chore to get out of the way. Yet another thing to do on your (very long) to do list.

Tell him it isnt an excuse you just dont have the headspace to deal with it and if you do it just makes it worse. He needs to accept that you not being into it isnt a good thing and he needs to be patient

You need some downtime together I think just to relax and reconnect without the idea of it hanging over you

7 months; 4 months while pregnant, 3 months of recovery as I had lots of stitches and scar tissue. My poor DH would consider 1/2 times a week a dream 😆😆

I think you need to speak to your DP about being given a little bit of space. DTD should be good for both people, not just a service to one person. Every couple goes through dry patches but he needs to put DTD to one side for a bit just to give you one less thing to think about. You are going through a lot. It's ok to not want to DTD.

With my ex it was several years because he wasn't interested in me (and then cheated).

However your partner still having sex with someone who isn't interested and is just laying there is a tiny bit concerning and is coming across as though he thinks sex is for him and not for both of you.

I think 1-2 a week is a lot for the majority of people!

About 5 or 6 months when I started my anti depressants. He would get the odd blow job if and when I was up for it. Not that he asked or hinted, only when it came from me.

1-2 times a week seems a fairly reasonable amount i would say-although not if you are laying back and thinking of England.
I would say the longest is probably 3/4 weeks (and that was post partum). We are once or twice a week kind of couple generally sometimes more and sometimes less. We’ve been together 13 years and have 4 children. I think my DH would be quite put off by the idea I was laying back and not really enjoying it especially if that was always the case and not just a one off.

I agree with the sentiment of once a month when it is desired by both sides is far better than 6 times a month of one sided sex.

Through a period of crippling anxiety and PTSD - 3 years.

17 weeks. I don’t know why I know this but I do, it’s happened on two occasions, one as a result of recently having had a baby and the other just because of being a bit fed up and really “off” sex.

Dh would wonder what was going on if we upped ours to 1/2 times a week!

Honestly if you don't want to do it, then don't do it.

8 months post partum with ds2 is the longest. But it's regularly only once a month for us anyway. And occasionally once every couple of months.

I just kind of just lay there until he finishes which he said he’s not enjoying but still wants us to DTD

No loving partner/husband would want you to do this. The fact that he can still have sex literally seeing that you don't enjoy it tells me a lot about him.

Over pregnancy/childbirth, about a year. Outside that, 6 months because DH lost all interest.

Apart from all the times he was working away, three weeks. I remember it well....
Silly sod had decided that he was going to cultivate that facial fungus stuff, otherwise known as a beard. I loathe beards with a passion and especially hate watching someone with a beard eating...ugh! Drips of sauces,etc? Pass me the Brain Beach.Quick.
So I told him that while I respected his right to do what he wanted with his own body, he needed to respect the fact that I don't fuck men with them.
THREE SODDIN WEEKS it was before he caved and shaved it off
And then, I didn't notice

6 months post partum. I'd say once or twice a week is a lot.

It sounds like he is guilting you into sex. That is selfish and abusive.

3-4 months.

He doesn't really have a libido at all and it's kind of caused us to separate as it's a constant issue in that I enjoy and want to have sex and I'm young !!

And he just doesn't.

Grinds you down after a while and at 19 I just want to have fun tbh

Months when I had breast cancer.

I've done it when I'm not that up for it physically but want the emotional closeness but you sound like you need your own headspace.

That’s awful ,why would he want to dtd when it’s clear you don’t
He’s not nice to insist

At least 6 months.

The 12 months after I had DS we did it 3 times total. We'd also only done it 3 times in pregnancy.

Now we only do it every other months if we're lucky! DH would think once a week was a dream!

Just over a year. Second baby in 18 months that was breastfed and didn't bloody sleep until we put it in with sibling at just over 12 months. Not a co-incidence.

With my ex husband - about 5 years, I then asked for a divorce.

Well, DD is 8, so 8 years + 9 months. Frankly, it was amazing she was conceived in the first place. DH has absolutely zero interest.

This isn’t for the OP per se but I would encourage anyone to get their hands on the book “Mind the Gap” by Dr Karen Gurney. It speaks about DTD and the fallacy that you need to be right up for it and it explodes spontaneously.

Sex in a committed LTR takes effort, but it’s in the context the mental connection is there. I would also recommend Ester Perel on YouTube, she mythbusts stuff about sex in LTRs.

But @Changename353 your problem is your selfish DH. In what universe are you supposed to have any mental or physical energy for DTD when you have the profoundly upsetting shit you have on your plate PLUS lest we forget what we know as normal is in suspension and that’s a form of grief and stress too.

TL:DR, OP, your DH needs to give his head a wobble. Not the OP; get Mind the Gap and watch Ester Perel on YouTube x

About 18 months during most of my pregnancy and when DC was little.

I find my sex drive goes up when he does the dishes, cleans the kitchen and does bedtime. It's a great aphrodisiac!

Allows me time to unwind and think of something other than the chores.