I feel bad that my child's childhood homes were substandard.

[RisingDamper]

Just that. The first place we lived in after she was born was lovely, but we got evicted because the landlord sold it and for the next eight years we lived in shit holes. I mean, real shit holes. Water coming in the roof, slugs coming through the floors, landlords who variously shirked, intimidated, ripped us off ... I found it so hard to get somewhere decent. I only had one wage and a lot of that was taken up with childcare so when I went for anything nice, I dunno, we didn't get it.

Eventually found one ok rented place but they booted us out of there within two years as well and now thankfully we're in a council flat which is affordable, nice quality and secure.

But fuck me that's a long time my dd didn't have that. That's a lot of her childhood where her home was pretty terrible. I did my best over those years, tried to make sure she had nice experiences, nice food, nice books etc. But I couldn't give her a good home. And I feel bad. I feel really bad about it.

You shouldn't feel bad about it, you did the absolute best for your kids and you should feel proud of yourself, my mum was like you growing up a single mother with a single wage and we lived in a council house which was beneath adequate to say the least but it was a roof over our heads and for that i am forever proud of her and grateful that she did her best. X

Ah thank you, you sound like you have a lovely attitude to and relationship with your mum. That is so nice.

I just feel like I've failed hee tbh. That whole time I was worrying about money and trying to get repairs done and failing, and all the time her childhood was ticking on. It's now that we're somewhere nice that I see how it should have been, and she never had that before. I never gave that to her. It's a basic, right, having a secure safe maintained home? She didn't have it. I didn't give her that. And she will never get those years back again.

I bet she didn't even really notice or if she did, it wouldn't have upset her. Lots of kids have lovely homes but parents too busy to give them much attention. Think back to your own childhood - when you were very young, did you ever think about or compare your home? Kids need caring parents and she has that. It wasn't something you could control and you did your best. Please don't feel guilty - you should enjoy this part of her childhood instead of losing out on the enjoyment due to misplaced guilt about past

Beating yourself up about it is doing nothing but hurting you. You couldn’t do anything about it then and you can’t reverse time to do anything about it now. Don’t waste energy hitting yourself over something you can’t control. Your DD probably won’t have noticed a lot of that. Her memories will be about how she felt and if she felt loved then her childhood will have been happy.

Thank you.

I don't want to be "yes but" about this but there is so much bouncing around my head. I am grateful, really, that we're safe and secure and properly housed, I honestly am.

But it must have had an effect on her. Like there was one place her curtains fell off the wall, it was so damp the fittings didn't hold, they were lovely curtains as well, she'd chosen them herself. I mean, I don't remember much about my material circumstances as a child but I'd probably remember that.

You've a nice council house now so don't worry. Imagine how people feel who aren't rescued by the council. I speak as one reared in a council house. Get over it.

I don’t think you need to worry op. Your child has obviously been well cared for. Curtains falling off isn’t a traumatic incidence, I think it’s happened in our house! Which was not falling apart, just old. I can’t see that worrying about this does you any good, you should try to move on.

Aw OP I think you are getting very stressed and overthinking it. Yes it sounds like it wasn't nice for you to live there at all, but kids just accept their reality - how would your daughter know there was anything that bad about curtains falling off the wall? It felt bad for you as an adult, knowing that's not how life should be. Your little girl had no idea. Relax and let yourself off the hook here. You were actually a victim in this - failed by the authorities and exploited by your landlord. Don't beat yourself up - focus on happy memories and look back on the early part of your daughter's life in the most positive way you can. You can't change the past and all you are doing is torturing yourself. Enjoy your nice home now

Oh God I'm definitely grateful for our flat. Don't get me wrong, it's tiny and all but it's ours. Like, really ours. I've done it up real nice, painted it all myself. She wanted bright paint in her room and I'd never been able to paint her room before, it was wonderful being able to do that.

But I still feel sad about those years. It's like sometimes I think about them and can't stop. It's guilt.

You haven't failed with anything. Your child won't be affected by any bad properties in the past. She wouldn't have been thinking about leaky roofs and all other issues, only being happy with you her Mum. and decent food and a bed to sleep in. So try and stop thinking along these lines. Nice houses don't always equate to nice lives. as lots of people will know.

A victim? How? Dont we al have to put up with not perfect renting at some point? It costs nothing to peg up a curtain. Sorry but OP has set herself up here as a victim and now according to herself has a nice council place. Tall about self pity. As if a baby remembers.

Honestly it’s fine, and there’s nothing we can do about it.
Don’t berate yourself

Right ok I'm feeling bad now because I haven't even said how bad it got. So there was this one place that was really damp. Like really damp. I was washing it off the walls every day. And there were slugs all over the living room. I used to run downstairs before she did to wipe up the trails, they were everywhere. I remember shouting up to her go and pick out a book we haven't read this week, I did that every day so I could wipe it up and she didn't see it, so stupid because of course they were still there. And she got asthma. She hasn't got it now but she got it there. She had to go on a nebuliser even. I am sure it's because of that house. I had vinyl records that got mould all over them it was so damp. All of our clothes smelt of it I only realised when we moved out and we were in a better house. I did that to her.

Now you will all have a different view. I'm not proud of it.

@Nellydean21 your empathy muscles feeling a bit weak today?

OP they were circumstances beyond your control and it sounds like you worked hard to make it as nice as possible for her. She’s got a lovely mum and now a lovely home so she’ll be just fine

Sorry, I'm off to bed so am guilty of not having read the entire thread, but I bought a house, looking for security for my child, and the area turned out to be extremely rough. She was seven when my moved there and it was horrible for her.

But my philosophy is that as parents we would never deliberately subject our children to any hardship, but a little hardship serves to temper them and make them stronger. My daughter became very adept at dealing with rough types and learnt how to appear as if she can handle any situation.

@RisingDamper honestly lovely it’s not your fault.
One, you’re out now so onwards and upwards.
Two, it’s insanely common. Our flat has black mould. Smells of upstairs sewage leaks, the plugs give you little electric shocks when you touch them, we had no oven for 5 months, we regularly have weeks with no hot water.
But it’s ok. We are doing our best.
Please try and relax your guilt isn’t helpful ❤️

Don't feel bad, most people have some crappy bit in their childhood that shapes them and gives them their drive. Your kids might work harder in school and work to give their kids a much better home.

My family were poor when I was growing up, I was intelligent so I'm all the top sets at school. I had good emotional intelligence too so I had a lot of friends but everyone seemed so much richer than us. My friends parents lived in detached properties, their parents had good jobs. My dad was in and out of work constantly, mum never worked and my parents fought like cat and dog. It gave me a huge drive. Career wise I'm more successful than the majority of my school peers. I'm shot with men though, I didn't learn what a healthy relationship looks like from my folks so I keep accepting shitty men.

If you did your best, that's all that matters

Op I was brought up by a single mum in a series of not-very-nice council houses. In one house I lined up my dolls on the windowsill and mould grew over them! However, I had a wonderful childhood and am very close to my mum. She did her best and actually, now I'm an adult and can appreciate how difficult it must have been for her, I am very very grateful that she made my childhood as lovely as she did. I certainly don't blame her for any of it. There are far, far more important things to a child than a nice house.

You mustnt beat yourself up .You have done a really good job looking after DD ,and she will remember the warmth between the two of you .Many children spend their lives in and out of the care system ,and have been abused neglected and so on .You are a wonderful Mum and have done your utmost for DD .I think many people wish they could do something differently anyway .Even people in more comfortable circumstances may feel they have worked too much ,been too preoccupied with jobs and so on .Relax and enjoy your nice flat!

Don't feel guilty. Does anyone as a child really remember their homes in that way? My childhood are full of lovely memories which I'm sure is the same for your DD. You made her memories not the house. She will likely not even remember the houses

Oh and you think slugs are bad - our first house was actually abroad because I was born there and we emigrated here when I was a child - and it had a nest of SNAKES under the stairs!!!! Snakes!!!! Uggghhhh!

I wouldn't worry about it. I was brought up by a single mother in the 60s in a series of ghastly rat infested bedsits. No double glazing, proper heating and waking up with rats chewing on my hair. I didn't know any different and only rely remember the fun things we did. Going to the lido, Hampstead heath, libraries and museums. Children are very resilient.

OP, you gave your child love and attention. Nothing else matters anything like as much.
My parents were owner occupiers of a small but basically comfortable house and garden. My mother was an abusive narcissistic shit, who never gave her daughters a scrap of affection, praise, love, or even a compliment, in our entire childhood. She was relentlessly critical and negative, and we spent years failing to please her while our self esteem fell apart.
I would have traded that for your loving but tatty home in a heartbeat!
You cannot change the past. But you can stop letting it spoil your present, and stop beating yourself up for doing the best you could in difficult circumstances. The only blame lies with your exploitative and greedy landlords. Let it go, and enjoy your daughter and your nice home at last. And well done for getting through it all.

@Nellydean21 a victim of a society where some people have no choice but to live like that. Some people think everything they have in life is due to hard work and their own efforts. It's nonsense. Being in the wrong circumstances can change everything for people and make life very difficult.