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Original poster

SIL's DP doesn't appear to contribute to childcare during the week at all - is this usual?

43 replies

GabrielleChanel · 11/06/2020 20:13

SIL has 3 x DC aged 6 and under including toddler twins. She is SAHM but also has had a nanny to help with having the twins. Nanny is live out so hasn't been able to work during lockdown.

Her dp has been wfh through lockdown but hasn't helped at all with any of it - goes up to spare room at 0830 and comes back down at 6pm, I'm not sure if he cooks?

They go to bed quite early and sleep in separate rooms so that her getting up with kids doesn't disturb him Hmm- sometimes one of the kids will wake up and sleep in with her.

She rang me and was in a bit of a state as she had been struggling with one of the DC and asked "what do your DP say about all of this?" "not much I haven't really asked him" was the reply.

He is very quiet (def much quieter than her who can be feisty) but any time I suggest that he could help out more she explains he has to work etc.

I am well aware that no-one knows what goes on in anyone else's relationships but does this seem odd to anyone else?

OP posts:
SimonJT · 11/06/2020 20:18

What job does he do? I simply can’t do mine and look after my four year old, luckily I can work in the morning before he gets up and in the evening when he is in bed. If I had to work my usual office hours I wouldn’t be able to look after my son during the day. If it was my old job doing it and childcare would have been a doddle.

Is the six year old in year 1 or already in year 2? I don’t have twins but being a stay at home parent and usually having a nanny suggests she finds parenting very challenging. Does she/any of the children have additional needs? Live out nannies have been able to work throughout lockdown, so I don’t see why the nanny isn’t working if that works best for the family.

Original poster
GabrielleChanel · 11/06/2020 20:24

He's "in IT"_i'm not entirely sure what - i have tried to engage him in conversation about it - as I said he is very quiet. He apparently has to be at his desk all the time.
There are no diagnosed additional needs - but that is an interesting observation about her finding it challenging - I would say this is true.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 11/06/2020 20:28

There are many posts on MN from women whose husbands/partners play no active role in family life and who expect their children’s mother to do it all, all the time.
Your sil’s dp is far from unique.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
StillCounting123 · 11/06/2020 20:38

I have 5 children primary school age and younger including 10 month old twins. It is hectic and non-stop. DH works outside the home, but as soon as he has one foot through the front door her is interacting with the twins or making me a cuppa.

I don't think it's unusual for your SIL's DP to not help during his WFH hours, but as soon as he's home not working he should be mucking in as they are his kids!!

Does she want him to 'help' and see him as an equal parent?

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 11/06/2020 20:38

I don't think it's fair to say he's not 'helping' during the day. He's working. If he was physically going out to an office he wouldn't be helping either.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/06/2020 20:40

If he has to work 8.30-6 Monday to Friday to keep the wolf from the door then it's shit but necessary

I'd certainly expect his support at the weekends and overnight.

Original poster
GabrielleChanel · 11/06/2020 20:45

Interesting point wrt "equal" parent.
I think she thinks she is in charge and he can be a bit of a ditherer wrt the children (I have seen in the past) so perhaps her impatience has pushed him away.
What i would also say is that while obvs he needs to keep on the right side of his employers - also this is not "normal life" during lockdown. Being able to muck in a tiny bit during the day e.g. so she didn't have to take the twins to school 20 min round trip i don't think is asking too much - but she was doing that.

OP posts:
StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 11/06/2020 20:54

But he might have video/conference calls. I'm not excusing him out of working hours but actually during working hours I don't think it's as easy as some people think to 'just' help out.

sleepyhead · 11/06/2020 21:03

Meh, I do this. I'm being paid by my employer to work 9-5. Dh is currently a SAHD, so he does all the childcare while I work. Makes no difference that I'm in the house, I'm still working.

It does allow me to be flexible so I can take an hour off and work it back early or late if dh has an appointment, but as a general rule I wouldn't expect to have to take regular time away from work for childcare purposes tmas I won't when Im back in the office.

Original poster
GabrielleChanel · 11/06/2020 21:07

Okay. I will get back in my box.
Thanks for your thoughts

OP posts:
Mummyshark2018 · 11/06/2020 21:19

I'm wfh full time in stressful job- well 2 jobs really. Dh was made redundant at start of lockdown so has been job hunting And looking after dc, doing housework, walking dog etc. When I finish work at 6pm I do dinner and we share the rest of duties. Surely this is normal? Sahm is the same as unemployed dh. I'm working so he has no choice but to do house/ childcare stuff. If I'm not working I'm not earning- I run a business 3 days a week.
Thank god he's got a job now starting in few weeks 🙌

whywhywhy6 · 11/06/2020 21:21

I don’t think it’s for you to be concerned with and, as you say, who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Original poster
GabrielleChanel · 11/06/2020 21:22

Ha, this is me - my DH also got made redundant at start of lockdown and I am working socks off too but working around the home schooling - but mine are older so bit easier to do as and when and my job requires fewer phonecalls/online meetings = but DH still needs to find something.

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 11/06/2020 21:37

If he's working 8.30-6 and SIL is a SAHM, then it's reasonable that she looks after the children on her own during those hours. It would be nice if he was occasionally able to help out, but it shouldn't be expected. I'd expect jobs to be shared in the evenings and weekends.

Most SAHPs don't have nannies to help with the children and would expect to look after them all day on their own while their OHs are at work.

Caterina99 · 11/06/2020 22:57

I’m a sahm. I only have 2 kids, so no twins thankfully, but they are 2 and 4. DH works full time, currently at home. Usually 9-5.30/6pm with a 30 min lunch.

I really like DH working from home as he has no commute. Previously up to an hour each way depending on traffic. So I get more help than I did previously! Although of course it was a lot easier with nursery and toddler group, the playground and play dates etc. I don’t expect DH to help me during the day. He can be flexible if I need him to, and he takes a longer lunch break once a week so I can go food shopping. He’s our only source of income so yes his job does take priority. All of my sahm friends are the same

Wheresmrlion · 12/06/2020 00:05

I think it’s a bit odd for him not to be engaged at all. Does he literally hide upstairs on his computer all day? Not coming down for coffee, lunch, to say hello like he might do with colleagues in the office? Surely not a healthy way to be working.

I’m a SAHM to two pre schoolers. I’m loving having DH WFH. Yes, he works upstairs 8.30-5.30 while I look after the children. However we all have lunch together now, I make it but there’s an extra pair of hands for wrangling them into high chairs and cleaning them up. He pops down for a cuppa once or twice a day which gives me a chance to nip upstairs for a wee/get something from out of the garage etc while he plays with them for five minutes. If his day allows we sometimes go for a lunchtime walk together which is a real treat. Just little things that make my life easier and both DH and the children are really benefitting from these extra interactions during the day.

I’d be really upset if he hid away, especially if I was clearly struggling. Surely during normal times he doesn’t just sit at his desk for 9.5hrs?!

If she’s really struggling then if possible maybe he could take the odd half day annual leave to break the week up a bit? Not like they’ll be going away on holiday anytime soon!

IndecentFeminist · 12/06/2020 07:14

Not sure why the nanny can't work?

Rainallnight · 12/06/2020 07:19

We’re in the same position here and DP works upstairs all day. Totally normal, I’d say, in these circumstances.

emilybrontescorsett · 12/06/2020 07:21

So he works 9.5 hours per day. He doesn't even come down for lunch.
I think he is taking the piss.
I would continue to ask her what does her dh think, and do bout it every time.
He sounds extremely lazy.
In the real world, parents work AND parent their children.
What is he like op?
Does he mix with others in general or is he geeky and stand offish?

Drivingdownthe101 · 12/06/2020 07:23

We have three under 7 and DH is working from home, so similar situation except I’ve never had a nanny!
DH is usually in the study from 8.30-6ish. His job has been really full on in lockdown and as redundancies are likely looming (he works for a bank), he’s putting his all into it. He pops down occasionally for a break, and if I desperately needed him for something he’d try and rearrange conference calls.
DD1 went back to school last week and he has blocked out drop off and pick up times in his diary so I don’t have to take the others with me (15 mins in the morning and 15 mins in the afternoon).
We take it in turns to get up at 5.30am with the toddler, and it’s all hands on deck for bath/bedtime when he finishes work.

flamegame · 12/06/2020 07:24

Leaving the dh question aside, she’s got toddler twins and used to have a nanny to help and hasn’t had that for months now, of course she’s in a bit of a state and struggling.

Hopefully the nanny can come back soon, I thought they were already allowed to or will be soon?

I would expect the dh to help when he’s not at work so the mum can go out for a walk or run.

TitianaTitsling · 12/06/2020 07:27

Being able to muck in a tiny bit during the day e.g. so she didn't have to take the twins to school 20 min round trip i don't think is asking too much - but she was doing that. So where's the nanny then if this is pre lockdown? Or if the eldest is at school now then she's not parenting all 3 kids all day is she?

Sally872 · 12/06/2020 07:29

Can she get a break at the weekends?

HauntedGoatFart · 12/06/2020 07:31

Nannies have been free to work throughout, so if that's their problem they can solve it tomorrow.

GrumpyHoonMain · 12/06/2020 07:42

As you said you don’t know what he does. I have worked in IT before, for an investment bank, and even at home would be on video calls for 9-12 hours a day straight, then working from my phone to ensure I could do the rest of what I needed to do. Then during releases I would need to drop everything to work nights / weekends.

The fact that he has bought a nanny for your friend suggests he probably does care about her and the family. I don’t know many people who would find a nanny a reasonable expense when one partner is at home.