SIL's DP doesn't appear to contribute to childcare during the week at all - is this usual?

[GabrielleChanel]

SIL has 3 x DC aged 6 and under including toddler twins. She is SAHM but also has had a nanny to help with having the twins. Nanny is live out so hasn't been able to work during lockdown.

Her dp has been wfh through lockdown but hasn't helped at all with any of it - goes up to spare room at 0830 and comes back down at 6pm, I'm not sure if he cooks?

They go to bed quite early and sleep in separate rooms so that her getting up with kids doesn't disturb him - sometimes one of the kids will wake up and sleep in with her.

She rang me and was in a bit of a state as she had been struggling with one of the DC and asked "what do your DP say about all of this?" "not much I haven't really asked him" was the reply.

He is very quiet (def much quieter than her who can be feisty) but any time I suggest that he could help out more she explains he has to work etc.

I am well aware that no-one knows what goes on in anyone else's relationships but does this seem odd to anyone else?

I get that it’s hard, it’s different to normal as I would usually have groups to go to, friends to see etc. I have found looking after three young children entirely alone with nowhere to go and no one to see throughout lockdown really bloody lonely. When DH comes down in the evening I’m desperate for adult company. But we can’t afford for him to lose his job, so he has to work.
Sounds like he does do more than her DH though.

She is SAHM and normally has a nanny - AND you think her DH should be helping out while he is at work ? Sorry but I completely disagree. He is at WORK, not hanging around the house being lazy. Sounds like your SIL gets a pretty easy run normally, and now that the nanny isn't there she is struggling. I can't really garner much sympathy for her .

We are both in IT & work full time from home. Also have a 5 year old who needs home schooling & supervision through the day. We definitely do both. If we had to kick ourselves away 9-5 then both kids would have to be neglected. It is possible but many will want to avoid being seen as 'taking care of kids during working hours' to score more points with their bosses.

Lock not kick

It sounds like the DH has a high earning job if your SIL is a SAHM and they can afford a nanny.

So his employers may feel he actually has to earn his salary not do a few hours here and there between childcare.

TBH, your SIL has quite an easy life really what with not having to work and having a nanny and perhaps understandably is now finding it hard without the nanny. But plenty of women juggle jobs around 3 young children and have no paid help at all so I am struggling to sympathise really.

I bet he doesn’t sit at his desk at work for 9 hours without moving or speaking to anyone. I think a lot of fathers of small children are doing the same at the moment though unfortunately.

Just reread the thread and noticed a few people have called the DH lazy.

Only on MN can a man who works FT earning big money be described as lazy.

And a woman who is a SAHM and has a fucking nanny is apparently worn down to the bones of her arsecheeks.

Yeah right.

OP, why doesn't your SIL divorce her husband and then she can be a single parent, work FT and have no nanny? That'll solve all her problems...

She’s a SAHM who normally has a nanny but it’s the DH who’s lazy? Typical Mumsnet

Is she married?

If not, she’s taken a massive risk being a SAHM

Well, he is working hard enough to allow her to be a SAHM and have a nanny. So no, she has to let him do that work if she wants to carry on the ridiculously privileged lifestyle.

The 6 year old will be at school normally so she’s actually sats she cannot look after 2 children by herself. That’s a bit odd.

If she’s a SAHM with a nanny, I imagine her DP has a well paid job that they are reliant on? I imagine his work will want him to be putting in full hours if they know he has a DW at home to provide childcare.

However, he might well not be working from 8.30 - 6 (what are his hours normally like?), I imagine he’s giving himself breaks and such. It would be fair to expect him to come down for lunch with the kids to give her a bit of a break! Toddler twins sound like a real headache!

There isn’t really much of an excuse if he doesn’t help in the evenings. I assume that if they normally have a nanny, she normally has some time to herself during the day, so perhaps doesn’t mind doing all the evening things. So I guess it’s not his routine to get involved and he probably doesn’t even think about how much work it can be!

Some posters are being a little unsympathetic - yes, many of us are juggling work and childcare. I have a 3 year old at home, I’m pregnant with twins (horrific morning sickness and exhaustion) and really struggling to do my job - I’m a teacher, attempting to teach all my classes remotely and I’m insanely behind on my marking. That doesn’t mean I can’t feel sympathy for others that are struggling. Presumably she has never had to look after all 3 for an extended period of time before, and I bet she’s having to do more housework too. Maybe some of us juggle this stuff all the time, but it must be difficult to suddenly have to do it, she probably doesn’t know how to handle all 3 kids at once.

Why don't they sleep together?
Is this normal amongst young couples?
They don't seem to have a great relationship.
Real world alert: I had to get up with my baby in the night and then get up and go to work, well before 8.30am. Da da I survived!
Yes and dh and I slept in the same bed.

Unless he is great with her and his kids after work and at weekends, I stand by what I said. He sounds lazy and not really that keen on his family.
Obviously don't know what the SIL is really like.

If he works from 8.30-6.00 there’s not really much he can do during the day. But he could certainly take part in childcare either side - no reason why he can’t get up and ‘help’ with the kids especially if he’s not even commuting. No reason why he can’t ‘help’ get them ready for bed after he finishes work. I work 7.30-5.30 three days a week, with commuting, I still take care of my DS either side of that.

I would expect something similar to what Wheresmrlion described - that he would have lunch with the family, stick on a wash between calls etc.

Yes, he has a full on job, and yes she's a SAHM so fair enough to expect her to take on the bulk of the childcare. But he should be pitching in when not working, and without being asked as well. I bet the women doing his job are juggling work and childcare at the minute so no reason he can't help out a little.

Oh, and loving all the posters implying he's working so hard and she's lazy. I'm currently WFH with one toddler - if I were in that family I know which parent I'd rather be, and it sure isn't the SAHM!

He should be parenting before work and in the evenings and on the weekends, but not during the work day. Wfh with kids is a nightmare. Dh can't wfh but I have been since the start of lockdown with dc the same age. If dh was a SAHP though, I would definitely be upstairs working all day. I might say a quick hello at lunch time. I assume if he is the only working parent and they are paying a nanny's salary too, then his work is pretty crucial. But he should be sharing the load and taking over before and after work, during nights, and giving her a break at the weekend.

I think it should be sharing the load and not that he has to take over completely any time he's not working!