What can your 9 year olds do independently?

[BlingLoving]

I keep getting sucked into threads about what much younger children can do independently but whenever I do, I get the sense that a lot of older children aren't doing nearly as much independently as my 9 year old. I am not putting this in AIBU because I am perfectly comfortable with our decision making, but am interested in seeing where our approach fits in a spectrum.

Ours can:

make basic snacks (v basic - he has no interest in cooking) eg getting himself some frozen berries and yoghurt or a slice of bread with peanut butter.

Make himself a hot chocolate or me a cup of tea.

Shower/bath completely independently with zero input from me except occasional reminders to wash his hair.

Prior to lockdown, we were working on letting him stay at home alone for short periods (eg trip to corner shop) but that's stopped and we're all here, all of the time!!

Sit in car while I pop into shop.

Go round corner/up road to friends' houses (one small suburban road to cross).

Go for walk/run with no adults - but we don't let him do this alone. He goes with his 12 year old cousin or his friend and friend's brother who live locally. They also have strict rules about where they go, when they return etc and we have been known to check....

At swimming pool, he can swim in pool with us watching from outside the pool unless it's very busy. But when we are in the pool he still is able to swim independently and not stay super close.

At a cafe/shop he can go to counter and choose/pay alone.

Is this in line with others? Do your kids do more/less?

Mine can make toast, get herself a cold drink or snack (sugary by preference ), fill and empty the tumble dryer, strip her bed, have a bath but not wash her hair because it’s too long.

I’ve started letting her walk alone to a friends house round the corner but do confess to following her every now and again. She has additional needs so is a bit behind in lots of ways but mostly manages well.

holeywalls where I live there is no afterschool provision for secondary aged kids, so yes, lots of 11yos will come back to an empty house until their parents finish work. I guess it may vary by area though?

My nearly nine year old daughter can do all the things you listed OP. I prefer not to leave her alone at home but she has an 11 year old sister and I can leave them for A few hours if need be (in broad daylight with a mobile phone and at least one relative within a five minute drive away in case of Emergancy).

She can also cook a basic meal with prompts, and used to walk to and from school alone (20 minute walk) or with her sister.

My not quite 9yo..
Make hot drinks (and cold)
Make herself breakfasts and lunches (involving microwave and toaster, plus hob with an adult in the room)
Make simple dinners with supervision
Make cakes (with supervision for the oven part)
Dishwasher and washing up
Hoovering
Washing, including hanging out and putting away
Camp out in the garden
Play on the street outside the house

Because of where we live, there is never really an occasion to be home alone or go anywhere alone. Potentially she could take something to her Dad at work, or maybe the post box. But there has never been the need.

Swimming- she isn't strong enough yet to be in the pool alone, and again no occasion for it as I'll be in with her sister anyway (7yo)

She can't get to school alone because it's 2 miles away and down a country road.

I'm pretty sure that from high school they're expected by the schools to be independent enough not to need that kind of intervention after school etc. DS does martial arts and a lot of the children in the class after him arrive alone - I assume they've just walked from home as they're all 11+.

[DS is DESPERATE to walk to this class by himself. it's not far but does involve crossing one very busy road with zero pedestrian crossing options AND walking past an area where, for some reason, the local children hate the children doing martial arts. They often jeer and call when we arrive - even with adults present. I don't know what that's about but it makes me want him to be a bit older before he walks there alone. If any of his buddies lived close enough to walk with him, maybe. But most of the ones in his class come from much furtherer away].

It sounds like a run a sweatshop... She just likes learning how to do stuff!

@Aroundtheworld - I'm pretty sure that will be DD in a few years. She's fiercely independent and desperate to do more. It has been known to work in my favour - I got an entire conference call done last week while she "decorated" a cake!

With the exception of being allowed out alone, DS has had to be forced to do most of the stuff he now does independently! .

This is fascinating! Good that there’s an end in sight to childcare costs though

I must get mine more involved with cooking etc.

DS has just turned 10, he has special needs but he can:

1. Bath and wash hair independently. Though he takes forever in the bath .

1. Makes a simple sandwich, make hot chocolate and makes myself tea (though I do not encourage this as I'm worried about him burning himself!)

1. Will buy items from the corner shop(with me outside!!) and use the self checkout to buy things.

1. Will wash clothes in the washing machine,

Operate the hoover and clean the floor.

1. Wash up his plate ,cups after dinner (we don't have a dish washer).

1. Can make himself a cereal and toast and egg.

1. Will put the rubbish out in our bin,

I don't let him play out due to his vulnerability. He is capable of staying at home on his own, for short periods, though this feels alien to me as my mum would never leave is at home at the age of 10. DS school is a train away so I would not let him go to school by himself!

Mine can do all those things except making a cup of tea as I prefer to make my own. She can also:

Follow a simple recipe e.g. fairy cakes (I do the oven bit)
Walk home from school with her sister who is 10
Do some simple chores without supervision (tidy own room, empty the dishwasher, dusting)
Do some other chores supervised (e.g. washing up)
Do homework without help (although 10yo can't!)

Oh and my two make and decorate their own birthday cakes...been doing it for a couple of years now...their choice!

My dds 8 and 10 do similar to your ds.
Dds walk to school as it’s around the corner.
Both can make themselves a sandwich/wrap for lunch. They’ll do this the night before for their school lunches.
Both can make beans on toast or anything with toast. Also, make their own breakfasts.
They’ll go to friends houses and go to the park with friends, again just around the corner.
Both swim extremely well, hurrah!
As both dh and I work ft, we have made dds do some independent things and some they’ve asked themselves to do.
They are responsible girls and good in school, so I trust them. They go ASC atm, but dd1 when she goes to Senior school, she’ll come home unless the next school has a club. She’ll be 12 then as she’s a September child.

In year 5 and 6, before covid they would be going on school trips away etc so they need to know how to do the basics without assistance otherwise they miss out on all the activities because they're behind.
Making cold snacks, getting up washed and dressed, packing own bag or kit for ie football.
Cleaning bedroom and putting washing in the machine.
Hanging out the washing, hoovering, setting and cleaning the table, polishing.
Contacting people and who/when in the event of an emergency. Knowing full address to pass onto someone, navigating their way home from local places such as shop and school without assistance.
Regardless of knowing how to do all these things, if someone does it for them they will always play daft so that they don't have to participate.

Mine is 10 and can also make simple hot meals like omelette and scrambled egg on toast alone and complicated ones such as lasagne from scratch with a bit of guidance, she makes her own breakfast every day and often her lunch, she can use the microwave and toaster and knows the rules re metal, not sticking knives in. Nobody drinks hot drinks here but she has used a kettle for other purposes. She stays home with the puppy or waits in the car with her while I shop, she meets a friend and goes for a bike ride once a week, can go with a list to Sainsbury's (sadly can't buy me wine), walks the puppy, she can wash up (but doesn't) can load, empty and switch on tumble drier and empty water tank/ clean filter and most importantly can trap giant spiders and remove them outside and unclog hair from drains! Sure there's plenty more but yes what your boy does sounds normal in real life but possibly neglect had you posted on AIBU where someone just said on another thread they don't let their 10 yo go down stairs alone in the morning

Makes me a GnT and pours a glass of wine or beer for me/DH

Wow, you let your child do this? Talk about normalising alcohol.*

Oh god even dd7 does this. In our world though it IS normal for adults to have a couple of glasses of wine with a niece meal or 1 or 2 on a Friday after a long week so I think I'm ok with that

Anyone on here with children who are the complete opposite to the OP’s child?

My 11 yr old only worked out where the spoons were kept the other day. He does nothing for himself in terms of preparing food and shows zero interest in learning if I try to get him interested in cooking/gardening etc.

He’s exceptionally bright and attends classes for gifted children but has zero practical skills. He still eats using his fingers. I think he could use cutlery but chooses not to.

I’d be interested in hearing from parents of similar children how they got them involved in more mundane tasks.

He’s not lazy, far from it. He can spend hours solving a complex maths puzzle. He’s never once uttered the words ‘I’m bored’ during lockdown.

He just lacks practical skills. School aren’t interested because they focus only on the children struggling academically although it was his 3rd class teacher who told us he was technically ‘gifted’. He used to just walk around the perimeter of the playground on his own every playtime whilst the others kicked a ball. He has friends but none are really like him.

During lockdown he’s not been interested in playing outside at all (!!) and doesn’t seem too bothered by the lack of company.

All I know is, I wasn’t like that as a child.

Granted I grew up in a different country where kids grow up a lot quicker, but I was driving cars and pretty much running a house at 9!

My mum got reported a lot when she moved us all to England but she just had a different way of doing things. My 5 year old does a lot more than a lot of 9 year old I know here.

Midnight Sorry but no, what about when your child is not even looking and she has a taste. But each parent to their own.

Will a taste of gin kill them?? @buildingbridge. Feel like I’m missing something here.

@buildingbridge well she'd probably realise it's was absolutely disgusting and never do it again. But they know not to do that the same as they know not to repeat swear words they hear or help themselves to sweets at breakfast time or the list could go on ......

@Grand I guess we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. My dc are very practical and able but not hugely academic. I often have to push to get more than a half hearted attempt at homework

GrandAltogetherSo

I said in my OP that DS was special needs... with DS, he had to be taught most of these skills, some he generally liked doing and others no (like HW and cleaning). In my case, I didn't want him to get abused, and the more he can do for himself, I feel, the likely he won't get abused.

Bathing... from when he was small, I used a visual timetable to get him to bath independently,..e.g. washing legs, washing armpits and so forth.. once he was ok, we removed visual supports.

Things like cooking and using the washing machine, he naturally gravitate towards. The homework and the cleaning (apart from the hoover) was a nightmare, so I used to give him pocket money when he cleaned up and he could buy himself trainers or a nice toy....

I also got him to do something first, then he can do xyz. As an example, DS you can watch TV but first you have to tidy your room... now tidying his room had become a habit, but like with most things, it's takes consistency and working things through in small steps to get to the bigger picture.

My 9yo does not go out independently and doesn't handle boiling water but he does most of those things and can make an omelette.

OP, that sounds exactly in line with my 9 yo.

She stays home with the puppy A puppy is fine for now, but please don't leave her home alone with a grown dog..ever. My friends child was attacked when the mum left her alone with their dog.