Supporting DH through DNA to find out who his father is

[Bannerwag66]

I’ll try and give an o review which covers off:

-DH late 30’s
-Never know who father is
-MIL told me it was a one night stand and he didn’t know if his existence
-Was due to be adopted but grandparents helped bring him up
-Strained relationship with mother so chances of any further discussion minimal

So, he’s gone to ancestry and we’re at the stage where regulars should be available in a couple of weeks. I’m looking for peoples experiences of similar. He will potentially find family matches from a family he doesn’t know. Has anyone got any useful tips in what to prepare for or how to support?

I’m not sure he will reach out himself it seems more from curiosity but I’m anxious as it’s quite a big deal really.

Sorry for the typos. Results should be available on a couple of weeks.

Hopefully enough information above to receive some advice.

My family has been dealing with a surprise new family member. It has not been a good thing, to put it mildly, and has caused a massive amount of turmoil. I would tell your husband to have very low expectations, because even if he does find relatives, it may not be the happy ending he might be hoping for.

How will he know who his biological father is unless he agrees to take a DNA test. What does he want from knowing if he is not going to follow it up.

@HapoyHammy

Her husband might be matched with a relative of his father's. His child, brother, sister, etc.

If you have UK heritage you can identify unknown bio parents from AncestryDNA & other sites, it takes time & expertise but can be done. They don’t need to be on the database themselves.

@Aquamarine1029 you can work it out from 3rd or 4th cousins, someone who shares great , great grandparents or even great, great, greats. We have a lot of 3rd & 4th cousins...

Am in a similar position with a close relative whose father is unknown. His Mum had him In the 1950’s and put him into care as a baby and then she herself died 20 years ago and absolutely refused to tell anyone who the father was.

We’re a bit behind you though, in terms of getting results back.

It is 99% that the Dad, if we find them, will be dead due to age now, but am hoping to find out who he actually was, and if there are any siblings or family of my relative, as he would just like to understand why he was abandoned by both parents and if his Dad was even aware of his existence.

@Aquamarine1029 - May I ask why it has not been a good thing if you are able to say please?

I don't know all of the specifics, but in my family's case this person was matched to my dad, aunt, and a 3rd cousin because they had all done an ancestry DNA test.

@Jumble567

It's caused turmoil because the discovery of this person has uncovered infidelity. It has caused massive heartache for many people.

Op, if your husband does find his father, he needs to think very carefully before telling his mother anything. Your husband might be the result of a sexual assault, very unpleasant encounter, etc. There's no way to know and this could be very painful for his mum. For all of the good DNA tracing has done, it has also caused a lot of strife.

Does he have anyone who has tested on his Mum’s side? It is much easier when you can easily split your matches between parents to identify the matches to follow up on.

I managed to trace my grandmother’s Mother and my Dad’s father via DNA. I’m just working on my grandmother’s father now.

OP I am an adult adoptee who has been through this process. I have posted a bit about it on here. I went into it knowing who my birth mother was, had a name of my birth father. I ended up in reunion with him and it was a traumatic experience. We are not currently in touch (he was also adopted) although I have recently - through DNA and with the help of a search 'angel' - figured out who both of his birth parents were. I am actually currently in contact with two cousins, including an member of his family who I thought might be able to help provide insight into his father. That is distant enough that it is going fine - she's curious about me by my appearance didn't upend her whole world.

This is a very contentious issue and you will get a range of advice on it - the most constructive FB group I have found is DNA Detectives. They understand the 'need' to find out your origins and help a range of people, including adoptees. Some adoptees mostly just want to join the dots and find out more about their origins. Most people who aren't adopted don't understand the impetus to know more about your roots, some that are can insist strongly that it's your absolute right to do as you please, any others be damned. Fuck the current spouse, kids, no one is off limits, your right is your right. Lots of the adoptee FB groups take this position, and your DH agree or come to agree with that position, I am only telling you so you are aware.

I don't think you can really prepare for a reunion - it's a bit like a birth plan, they never go to plan! Your DH may work himself up over years to send a message or call...finally does it...and nothing....very anti-climatic. People have the phone put down. In my case, my birth parent thought that my entire life was going to revolve around him as my primary relationship, going forward, and after one week. Your DH needs to think through what he would do, greeted with that level of enthusasiam and to be honest with himself - and with you - what would work with your family in terms of integrating a new person who thinks they should be at the top table automatically and wants to make up for lost time. You can't know though, this is the thing.

You can have a good reunion and still not be in touch years down the road.

I have to get a move on but please do feel free to PM me. I am in the weird sitaution of being an adopted child and technically someone's 'birth family.'

I would add another dimension: You will be introducing strife here. I am not saying don't do it but emotionally managing your MIL's feelings, even if it wasn't the product of abuse, will take a lot out of both of you. Also - he may be pissed off, royally, that he never knew. He may want to hash things out with her. This is before you even get onto any current family he may have.

Your DH will probably want to do it anyway - that is natural too and he shouldn't feel guilty for doing something that might feel to outsiders too risky to contemplate or even foolhardy.

I would recommend counselling too.

@Aquamarine1029 Thank you for explaining, Sorry if I am being naive here, but surely the infidelity must have been at least 25/30 years ago for the child to have been old enough to submit their DNA etc? Is it really causing that much upset after all that time?

In all of these kind of cases - I do think that the child has rights in this. If the child in any of these situations is due to infidelity (which I am assuming is pretty common) then, the infidelity, happened - whether or not anyone else knew about it, it still existed so it coming out after all this time is just simply something that should probably have come out at the time?

It isn’t at all the fault of the child (who is now an adult) the fault is with the Dad, who has, I suppose got away with it up until now, I do not think the child/adult should In any way carry any of the blame for having been in contact - they do have a right to know who their parents are?

I apologise, I am not meaning to upset anyone by asking this, but I genuinely don’t understand why it would be an issue, Unless it was a case of abuse or rape or something like that? Even in that case then the child needs to be told that, that is what happened and why their Mum does not want to be in contact with the Father. I am not talking about while the child is a child, I am talking about 20/30 years later when they are an adult.

Thanks so much, a lot to think about and real life experiences.

I think he wants to join the dots as opposed to a reunion but what I’m slightly concerned about is the matches will pop up. Then people might get in touch. I’m taking his lead and will be as supportive as possible but I’m not sure I want to potentially open a can of worms.

However if it was me I would be curious. When I was pregnant I did obtain the backstory from his mother, I got close to her involving her in her first grandchild so I’m almost sure that it’s not abuse however she could of lied.

I think what would be nice is to understand the ethnic background, we have an idea but he does have a differently ethnicity to that of the family on his mothers side and it’s always been something he wondered.

@Aquamarine1029 Josh I can understand how hard that would be. Something that also concerns me is his mum said his biological father never knew about him so this could really unearth things especially as if on the system he suddenly pops up for other people.

@Jumble567 good luck with yours. What I will say this is the 3rd try at results the first two didn’t work (they said they couldn’t extract the dna) so there is a part of me that wonders if we will.

But I’m trying to prepare for if that happens. It’s quite sad for him actually not knowing, he lived for over 30 years not knowing if he was a product of rape. His mother advised not when asked around my pregnancy. They have never spoken about it which is a shame but I am not either one of them so don’t judge that choice. It’s an emotional subject for both.

Is it possible that the two of you could sit down with your MIL and tell her your plans? If there’s something contentious there, like infidelity or sexual assault, she might speak up about it once she realises that you’re serious about this search. It may of course be true that it was a ONS on a drunken night out though, and that she genuinely does know very little about the chap.

@Jumble567

Thank you for explaining, Sorry if I am being naive here, but surely the infidelity must have been at least 25/30 years ago for the child to have been old enough to submit their DNA etc? Is it really causing that much upset after all that time?

I think you are being very naive, yes. Where does it say that there's a time limit on being hurt by infidelity? If you were happily married (thought so anyway) for 45+ years, been a loyal, loving wife, and then find out that while you were home caring for your 6 little children, your husband was off fucking about and getting another woman pregnant, you wouldn't be hurt by that and don't think anyone else should be? Really? Now this betrayed woman is left to wonder how many other women might there have been, and their children have to deal with the fact that their father cheated on their mum. Their illusion of a happy marriage has been shattered.

@Bannerwag66

My family member who is the father of this person was never told about the child's existence. The woman he had an affair with was also cheating on her husband, and that man went to his grave believing the child was his. It's a mess all the way around.

Am watching with interest as am thinking of doing exactly the same ,am adopted and although I have traced my birth mother she doesn't really have any information other than it was a one night stand with my birth father (hate these expressions) so after watching long lost family with the foundlings I was considering the same but don't really know

@Aquamarine1029 Oh gosh that’s sad for all involved. Does the child want to be involved with the ‘new’ family?

Not sure mine would it’s initially for ethnic background but then I can see this spiral to be honest.

@Patch23042 I’ve suggested he talks to her but he wants to wait for the results. I’m not sure he ever will talk to her about it to be honest, they have gone 38 years without saying a word to each other which is bizarre to me. They are not close which could make that conversation easier in some ways.

I believe you can conceal your information from other database users so they can't contact you and say "hey, you must be my dad's cousin's son, I'll tell my dad".

@Bannerwag66

All of this came out right before lockdown, so there hasn't been any real contact yet. I don't know what they are going to do. I don't know if the half siblings will want to meet this person, or if the father wants to. I think they are all just trying to process their feelings, which are a rollercoaster right now.