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Supporting DH through DNA to find out who his father is

33 replies

Bannerwag66 · 09/06/2020 16:50

I’ll try and give an o review which covers off:

-DH late 30’s
-Never know who father is
-MIL told me it was a one night stand and he didn’t know if his existence
-Was due to be adopted but grandparents helped bring him up
-Strained relationship with mother so chances of any further discussion minimal

So, he’s gone to ancestry and we’re at the stage where regulars should be available in a couple of weeks. I’m looking for peoples experiences of similar. He will potentially find family matches from a family he doesn’t know. Has anyone got any useful tips in what to prepare for or how to support?

I’m not sure he will reach out himself it seems more from curiosity but I’m anxious as it’s quite a big deal really.

OP posts:
OVienna · 09/06/2020 20:54

Aqua you have hit the nail on the head. Of course it's still awful for people and a total shock.

Again this isn't a reason not to take the test. But it is a reason IMO to consider sensitivities before any approach.

You either show your matches or you don't. You can't hide yours from others but also see yours.

YeOldeTrout · 09/06/2020 21:21

I have both an unhappy story & a very very happy one.

Happy; 17yo Aunt gave up baby for adoption. 27 years later.... she met her first born. They became best of friends. Instant adult cousin is firm part of our extended family & very close to her bio siblings and stays close to the mother who raised her. But I don't have impression that cousin met her birth dad, I don't know what that story is.

Sad: 21 yrs later... from Ancestry.dna, not at all looking, but I found a mystery close relative... after 90 minutes of online detective work I had discovered a new uncle. My grandmother had given up a baby. I made some contact with uncles family: he absolutely doesn't want to know us. :( It My gran was very upset that her daughter (my aunt in happy story) wanted to meet her given-up daughter. Nobody knew why gran was so upset & opposed... until now.

whathaveijustseen · 09/06/2020 22:19

I have been thinking of doing an ancestry DNA test but am wary because my dad doesn't know who his dad is, he's in his seventies now but we are aware that his existence could still possibly cause problems if his fathers family are unaware of his existence

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/06/2020 17:28

My cousin (we're both adopted) did the DNA thing to find out about her ethnic heritage. All well and good. Then unbeknownst to her her daughter put her results on the 'family match' page under her own name and (also unbeknownst to her) matches popped up and her DD pursued the leads which led to her birth mother. At that point the DD told her "I found your mum!". Needless to say Cousin was shocked and a bit upset as Cousin had said previously that she really didn't care about pursuing relatives.

She did eventually meet her bio mother. She's a 'nice person' according to Cousin, but it's a bit uncomfortable for her. Her bio mum expects them to have a 'mother/daughter' relationship and calls her by her birth name. Cousin would prefer they just have a 'friends' type relationship.

I've never seriously thought about doing it because I was a private adoption and my mother met my bio mum who told her 'my story'. At this point both of my parents would most likely be dead (or in their 90s). I do know that I have 3 half-siblings out there somewhere.

Bannerwag66 · 10/06/2020 19:57

@AcrossthePond55 oh josh that’s so intrusive doing that on someone else’s behalf. I’m treading very carefully as it’s his choice.

I think adoption might be different for him. I think he has never known so for him it’s filling in some blanks he hasn’t been told

OP posts:
OVienna · 11/06/2020 08:07

Well, Banner, it is the daughter's story too. So I can kind of understand. Normally I would agree with you. It is outrageous the birth mother calls her by the name she gave her at birth though, not the one she uses now. I'd go batshit.

OVienna · 11/06/2020 08:09

Pond I have half siblings I would love to meet. But can't see a way forward.

Sewrainbow · 11/06/2020 11:22

My dh did this recently. Never thought he'd find out his dad as no name, one night stand, birth mother now dead although they met.

First linked on Ancestry by a distant cousin who joined the dots and gave him names. His dad is sadly dead and never knew about him. He has an uncle and is tentatively finding out stuff. A shock for him I'm sure, he had no idea.

I very much take dh lead on everything. Try and keep an open mind as to outcome, good or bad. His meeting his mother was good and so sad it was limited by her death, it could easily have gone another way.

Make no mistake it will turn peoples lives upside down.... those that have mentioned surely its water under he bridge in terms of infidelity, rape or abuse, after so many years are spectacularly naive.

DHs birth mother's whole family's idea of her would have changed. She had to tell her new husband about a child from years before that she never did before, she wasnt the person he thought he knew. She never told her parents (religious) who are still alive and only some siblings who she felt would understand. Imagine your spouse or family member telling you something like that that had shaped their lives many years before. I'd be shocked if my dh or siblings or children had done similar.

Other pp examples of their experiences have shown me how lightly we have come off through this. I couldn't imagine the pain of being rejected for him if that had happened nor the stress of a birth parent who suddenly demanded all his attention and expected to be the primary parent in his life or similar. He has only 1 half sibling who seems ok now he knows but is so much younger and in another country with language barrier, we have no idea of his true feelings which will surely be tied up with the death of his mother when he was still a child.

Its complicated and no right or wrong way to approach. I'd just be there for your dh to listen, mentally prepare for bad news or reactions and welcome positive steps with caution, peoples feelings can change either way after the initial emotional reaction. After very positive meet ups initially my dh and his mother needed a break and didnt contact each other for a while. She later admitted she had struggled with coming to turns with it all. They didnt get far enough to really go through all their feelings sadly, her death was a shock, we didnt know she was ill and due to language barrier dont really know the circumstances and what she or other family members went through Sad

I wish you all the luck for a positive outcome for you all x

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