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Is my partner abusive or am I dramatic?

43 replies

Linzi0206 · 09/06/2020 03:13

I was with my partner for 3 and half years on and off, for the last year and half I gave up my home to live with him and every time we argued he would say it was his house and me and my children had to leave, we left several times and went back several times. He used to make me feel really insecure about every aspect of myself, my weight, my looks, my parenting, everything. He would go in a mood and cause an argument if I visited family and I was never allowed to see friends, he had previously beat me, mentally head f**cked me (apologies). Eventually I found the courage to finally leave.

After 2 years of being single, we got back together, he had several relationships during our breakup and had several different women in his home. I eventually moved back into his home, but I was smart enough to keep my own home, he still says it’s his home now when we argue But he doesn’t physically throw me and my stuff out, he just says it would be me who us to leave. He tells my kids that they are leaving if I ever say I feel like leaving him or anything along those lines. He brought me a dog as a present and he says the dog is he. We recently had a fall out, and the next day we was okay, but he poked me in the face because he didn’t like my tone of voice when I said something, so I poked him back and he then slapped me. I reacted to this by shouting at him and saying some nasty things, which he replied with nasty things too and I said I don’t want a relationship like that and I don’t want to be with him. He told my kids we are moving out again, he was telling my kids not to touch his dog etc. I have tried explaining that him constantly saying to the kids that they are leaving, is damaging to them, it doesn’t provide security for them and makes them feel like where there living isn’t home. He doesn’t understand this and says the kids are fine. My kids have been through a parent break up and the above aswell as a break up on their fathers side too.
He also told my children he would rather give the dog away than let them have the dog. My kids are distraught and we’re crying and he didn’t care. But the dog was given to me as a gift, and his microchip and vet is in my name. Can I get my dog off him?
Am I being dramatic for leaving because he hit me and I feel he makes the kids feel like they aren’t at home with the things he says? He’s making me feel like I have upset my children by leaving him and I’m being extreme because he didn’t hurt me, he Just poked and slapped me.
I’m really confused, I do love him but I don’t want my kids to think I am putting them in the same situation over and over again.
Should i put my feelings aside and stick to my word and not go back, or am I being dramatic for leaving?

OP posts:
KittyKatGal · 09/06/2020 03:31

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Topseyt · 09/06/2020 03:47

You need to leave him and never go back. Take your kids and hopefully your dog and go to the home you have kept.

Stay there. His constant mind games and physical abuse are harming the children too. It will hardly feel like a stable home to them,

ForeverRedSkinhead · 09/06/2020 03:53

I'm going to be blunt op.

If you can't stay away for you , then do so for your children. They get one childhood and it is being spent being dragged back and forth from this nasty , abusive man's house. You are allowing this to happen to them.

Back to you now - get single and stay single until you work out why your standards are so low. You deserve better than this op , he doesn't love or respect you.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 09/06/2020 03:55

Just to be clear. Stop trying to reason with him because he doesn't give a shit about you or your children.

Callo · 09/06/2020 03:57

This isn't fair on your children. You need to start protecting your children from the emotional damage this will be doing them

Lynda07 · 09/06/2020 03:58

He sounds absolutely appalling and how you can even consider such an insecure living arrangement for your children (& dog), with this bully is quite beyond me.

Go back to your own house and never go back to him. Raise your standards, there are far better men than him but you'd be better off on your own until your children are off hand.

longtimecomin · 09/06/2020 04:01

Leave and never go back. He is very abusive. Leave the dog or it will tie you to him long term, buy a new dog from a shelter.

You need to put your children first, forget this horrible man.

Coyoacan · 09/06/2020 04:02

This isn't fair on your children. You need to start protecting your children from the emotional damage this will be doing them

I'm afraid this is the case, OP. How many years have your children been living like this?

I'm really sad that this is happening to you, but even sadder that you are allowing this all to happen to your children. You have a certain amount of choice, your children have none.

copperoliver · 09/06/2020 04:12

Why an earth did you go back after being free of this idiot for 2 years.
Take your kids and stay away for life, they deserve better especially but so do you move on for good. X

MumMumMummyMumMum · 09/06/2020 04:23

Seriously? Wtf

He is a horrendous person.

He is abusing you and your children.

Leave him immediately.

Never go out with anyone who does things like that again.

WWYD00 · 09/06/2020 04:40

No you're not been dramatic. He is hideous. You need to leave and stay away. I feel desperately sorry for your children. By staying with his man you are not protecting them from his abuse. I honestly also think you need to get them some counselling, they must be so confused.

I have no idea on the dog front I'm afraid but this might prove helpful to you www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-advice/how-deal-breakup-pet-owner

user1972548274 · 09/06/2020 04:47

He is abusive. Minimising is part of the abuse.

Put your children first and stay the fuck away from him.

Look up the Freedom Programme, speak to Women's Aid and get yourself some support and therapy too.

Happynow001 · 09/06/2020 04:52

have tried explaining that him constantly saying to the kids that they are leaving, is damaging to them, it doesn’t provide security for them and makes them feel like where there living isn’t home.
Actually OP you are as much responsible for this as your toxic partner. Why would you keep subjecting your children to this violent, unstable behaviour?

My kids are distraught and we’re crying and he didn’t care. But the dog was given to me as a gift, and his microchip and vet is in my name. Can I get my dog off him?
Why is the dog more of a concern here than your vulnerable children ?

I don’t want my kids to think I am putting them in the same situation over and over again.
But isn't that what you ARE doing?!

Please go back to your own home and make your children a solemn promise you will take better care of them than this.

Also please consider getting some proper counselling for yourself so you get some clarity about why you put yourself in these situations. Surely you and your children deserve better than this.

FlowerArranger · 09/06/2020 05:09

I'm going to be blunt op. If you can't stay away for you , then do so for your children. They get one childhood and it is being spent being dragged back and forth from this nasty , abusive man's house. You are allowing this to happen to them. Back to you now - get single and stay single until you work out why your standards are so low. You deserve better than this op , he doesn't love or respect you.

I'm going to be even blunter: Your poor children will have suffered irreparable emotional damage due to your selfishness and non-existent boundaries. What on earth were you thinking?

And just in case you are wondering: the only acceptable level of abuse is zero. Get a grip, for goodness - and do the Freedom Programme.

Tlollj · 09/06/2020 05:13

Never mind the fucking dog. Put your children first get and stay out.
Your children will look back on their childhoods and remember being traipsed back and forwards to this prick’s house.
You have a choice they don’t.

whiteblue · 09/06/2020 05:24

As if it isn't bad enough that you're involved in this ridiculous, abusive relationship, you've put your children slap bang in the middle of this too.....and no one is to blame for that but you. Your decision, your choice.
It's time to grow up, look after your children properly and protect them. And yourself too.
He's an arse, you know it.
Leave, leave the dog as I can guarantee he will get fed up with it and give it to you on one of his missions to get you back. That's you chance to get the dog and say a final goodbye to the man.
Raise your standards, OP, at least for your vulnerable children.

AppaDappa · 09/06/2020 05:37

You are not dramatic. You and your children are being abused. Your partner is an abuser.
The starting point for you is to learn about what abuse is, why they do it and why you stay/return to it. Once you understand it more you will be better placed to remove you and your children from it once and for all.
He enjoys controlling and hurting you and your children. That’s how he gets his kicks in life. He knows he does this. He consciously chooses to do it. He loves hurting you. He loves hurting your children. It is thrilling for him. He is a horrible person. He is not always horrible. Sometimes he’s nice, and then he horrible, and then he is nice, and then he is horrible. That is the cycle of abuse. He thinks he’s original and the technique he uses are unique. They are not. They are classic abusive techniques used by millions of abusive people. Once you understand his ‘game‘ his power over you diminishes.

The information you need is available via the Freedom Programme which can be done online.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Also read the book “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft

If you go to the relationships section of Mumsnet there are lots of links to information and support for people in and recovering from business relationships. If you post in that section there will be lots if support from people who have been where you are and have survived.

www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

pinkyboots1 · 09/06/2020 05:43

I think you know in your heart that this is an abusive relationship and that you're damaging both yourself and more importantly your children, it's very telling that you kept your own home. Act now and get the hell out of there, do NOT stay because of the dog! Your life and that of your kids could absolutely be dependent on the choices you make now (sorry if that sounds dramatic but it's true)

Dragongirl10 · 09/06/2020 05:50

Op l am horrified that you have allowed this to go on, please think of your children..... why are you putting them through this..
No violence is EVER acceptable.
The first time a man threatens you or hits you you leave and never go back....
Do this for your children’s protection

Trevsadick · 09/06/2020 05:54

You know he is abusive.

You know he is abusing your kids. Yet you went back after several years. And still allow he to abuse your kids.

I have been in an abuive marriage. I know how hard it is. But you need to get the fuck away, because of this man.

You ARE putting your kids in this situation again and again.

The dog is legally yours.

Contact womens aid, they can support you. They can also help get you out safely. Take the dog. Its legally yours.

But as a dog lover, if you can't take the dog straight away, get out. Leave the dog and sort it later.

Do not keep your children in this situation.

Starlight2004 · 09/06/2020 07:55

Next time he goes out, to work or whatever just put the kids and the dog in the car and go to your other home and don't ever look back! He is abusive and you all deserve to live a life without him in it!

Shoxfordian · 09/06/2020 07:59

You need to protect your children and prioritise them here. He's an abusive shitbag but by moving back in, you've put your children back in that situation of feeling unsafe in their home. Can you call womens aid for some help? Have you done the freedom programme?

Don't think we're all having a go at you, everything is said with love and concern for you and your children

Nicolastuffedone · 09/06/2020 08:02

Those poor children.......it’s awful for them, just awful. I actually wish I hadn’t read this 🙈

Purplewithred · 09/06/2020 08:07

You are being sensible, mature and loving by leaving. Do not ever go back. And get help in understanding what's acceptable in a relationship.

CormoranStrike · 09/06/2020 08:09

Leave now. This is horrific for your children, there’s no way to dress this up as good.

Leave, with your dog if you can; if not, your children deserve protection and if that means you leave your dog behind so be it, sadly.

This is your children’s childhood. Please don’t force them to share it with this man.

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