Friends like starting to have their first when we are long done

[Thefab3]

Sorry about the title. It sort of came out wrong there.
I think this might be more a rant or to hear if anyone else has had the same experiences. Me and my dh had our children a long time before any of our friends and in retrospect seems like we we’re young by comparison. We were actually just turned 28 so not that young when we had our first. I’m 36 now and have three awesome dcs , very happy and adore my 3.
Our youngest is three years old so still quite young. We had plenty of time before kids as we
have been with each other a while, both have degrees, post grads and a good bit of traveling so definitely don’t feel like we have missed out.
Our friends (although very nice etc ) sortof drifted off and showed absolutely no interest when we had real smallies , I never felt comfortable bringing them anywhere when we met up as it was awkward and could see they were irritated by them etc so made an effort to just go alone . All fair enough, they didn’t get it etc.
So fast forward to now when they are having /had their first and they expect so much more interest from us and although I’m so happy for them etc think I’m a bit burnt out from it all, years and years of sleep deprivation , breastfeeding, pregnancy,running around after toddlers and tbh although I love being a mum I am still pretty exhausted and it’s full on with three, the eldest are 8 and 5 and youngest is three. I also (and I know I don’t sound good here) inwardly cringe with some of the things they come out with (maybe I was the same) but just such wisdom and advice when they have a three week old or talks about how great their routine is and that’s why their child sleeps (I keep my mouth absolutely shut and I don’t think I’m an expert ) but I’ve had three and great routines and still had two crap sleepers and I can just see that it isn’t always that simple. This is all fine and to be expected but I just find it irritating. I am just getting my life and sleep back and getting back into running and working a bit more (pre covid!) but I’ve tried to arrange some catch ups with them and young toddlers are brought and I think they expect me to be more hands on than I am and interested. However at the same time I was told when mine were young that this and that meet up weren’t child friendly etc.
I get that they are at this different stage and I do have friends with kids the same age as mine but these are old friends from uni and it would be nice to stay close. I feel like I want to do what they did and leave it a few years!
I guess awful though this sounds I’m a bit delayed pissed off that they weren’t interested in my small kids but expect me to be more involved with theirs. Also a lot of talk about how their kids won’t have screens , only wooden toys etc etc . Maybe they will and in fairness my kids screen time is limited but it just comes across very preachy and judgey, I guess I’m just very over this stage. Anyone have similar experiences?

OP
Ye are in different places again.
They are going to be in the fog of children for a few years.

But if they are talking shite like limiting screen time etc....they will be very tedious to listen to.

Ditto competitive parenting with each other and judgy views on each other's parenting styles.

Invariably they will have lots in common as they are in the same space but you willbe an invaluable source of advice too.

Have low expectations and you won't be disappointed.

Don't beat yourself up for not wanting to hang out with the baby scene either.

Perfectly understandable that you are beyond.

Focus on letting them get on with it and hopefully when they calm down you will get to have an odd night out with them.

You could f

I feel your pain-in the same position and it’s tiresome, and I genuinely love babies and love being around them. But I am definitely resentful of all the times I left my kids behind to fit in, to now have to accept everyone else’s being there. I try not to get myself irritated though, it is what it is and unfortunately we are all just at different stages. And also my kids are the best out of them all obviously!

Sound advice, thanks. Guess I just feel bad at the fact that I just don’t seem to have the energy or enthusiasm for the baby/toddler thing at the mo. I’ve always been very maternal and would be the first one cooing or on the ground playing with the toddlers etc.

When we met for coffee a few times I was delighted to see them but didn’t get involved very much and my friends were a bit surprised I wasn’t more enthusiastic or hands on etc but then again they weren’t remotely either when I had v young kids which I got. It’s not like I mean to be like that , maybe I’m just a bit burnt out! Maybe it’s also the end to that broody time too whereas before I had my 3rd and last baby I was still very much in that zone.
It’s just as they are my friends there’s more talk of all hanging out or even holidays etc and I think I just don’t see it happening really as finally my dcs all sleep and can all swim etc and it’s just getting that bit easier. It’s just different stages of our lives and it’s more normal now to have dcs from 35/36 etc in our group of friends.

Don't feel any guilt op. I have zero interest in other people's dc however old!!

I think your way overthinking this op.

Just do as you want and be as involved as you feel like.

I would take a step back from them. In your situation I would be pissed off that they expected me to be so interested in their kids, when they had shown no interest or even in mine.

Knock the holidays on the head!

I wouldn't have done that in a million years with friends, even less so if mine were a bit older.

Occasionally people hang onto their love of babies after their breeding period has finished, but certainly for me and my circle of friends, when we were finished, we were so finished!
Nothing to feel bad about.

Actually kind of funny that your friends would think you would still be.

Anyone trying to hand a baby over to me was promptly handed the baby back after a polite minute🤣

Some people are so wrapped up in themselves. I had a friend ( a longtime friend at that) who fell out with me because I didn't invite her children to my child's birthday party.

She had never invited my children to anything! It was always me doing the running. Dropped her like a hot potato.

This is similar op.

I get what you mean exactly. I had my 3 DC before my brother and sister started their families. Now they both have small DC and I have tweens and teenagers.

My twat of a brother commented about how much screen time dd2 had. Yes because all her homework is paperless and online.

They talk about how they all had 2 only a few hours sleep the night before, dd1 slept for 18hrs straight!

I did laugh when he said his first wa

Can you make a joke about it to shut them up? Hopefully they'll realise in time. It is annoying.

Do you live nearby these friends?

Would just see them when it suits you to/you think you’ll enjoy it, and decline invitations that don’t appeal. Interact with their DC as little as you like: if anyone comments on that they’re rude!

Definitely no group holidays!

Thing is I do really love kids , I just think I’m really exhausted from the last few years and have had all these conversations before...
Think it’s just the fact that also my dh keeps mentioning couple friends of ours (where the men are more his friends) whose wives are now pregnant getting back in contact and how we’ll have to hang out as we all have kids now. And I just think we are in a totally different stage and I’ve done all the following toddlers around at events, moving all our breakables up high and I just don’t want to be around that anymore. Like all of these people couldn’t have been less accommodating when our kids were small. Like my dh seemed really surprised that I’m not interested in meeting etc. I’m not thinking about it a lot, it’s just something that’s come to recently.

I would be sending messages all friendly and jolly "oh we've done 8 years of young children, let me know when your ready for a child free evening meet up"

Cos that's the truth, you had to do child free when your were little and they'll have to do child free now...

Don't feel guilty OP. I'm at the other end of the scale. My friends little ones are 3 and 4. I struggled with infertility and my little one is 10 month old.
I was very invested in their children and supported them a lot through the haze of newborn days. However when I had my little one I've had no support from and they don't have the same bond with my little one as I do theirs.
They expected cuddles and for me to run around after their kids NOPE!!
I figure that they feel they've done that, when they had little ones I didn't have any therefore could spend time with theirs and now they're busy.
It is easier to arrange adult time now.
You don't need to arrange holidays. I couldn't think anything worse. I would just pick and choose what to do with them, even emphasise that after the past few years and having 3 kids your desperate for adult time with your friends xx

I remember once my friends suggesting we went to the zoo. I had a 2.5year old and I was pg. They wanted me to leave her at home. I told them straight that I wasn’t doing that! I’d happily meet them somewhere for a child free catch up, but not somewhere like a bloody zoo.

Mine are 14 and 11 now and one friend is expecting baby 1 and the other has a 3 year old. They don’t suggest kid free meet ups any more, but I just sit there while the 3 year old rampages.

It’s different life stages at the moment isn’t it. I would be swerving the holidays for similar reasons to be honest. Very small children are hard but lm sure it’s different when they are your own

I hear you and agree.
However perhaps the issue is that they were much younger at the time you had children and so self absorbed in their own lives as you tend to be at that age that they showed little interest in yours. With age comes maturity and thoughtfulness I hope. Possibly that is where the issue lies now.

Hmm I remember this from the other way round. . . friends had DCs and it was all about them, everything centred on the DC, by the time ours arrived they'd lost interest.

They were the ones who decided it was time we all stopped doing Christmas and birthday presents for all DCs , fine of course but theirs being 10, 8 and6, and ours being 6,4, and 2 it meant we had given twice as many presents as they had (I just worked it out!). Not to mention the member of our friendship group who gritted her teeth congratulating everyone and buying presents for years and years whilst longing for a baby, then when she finally had one this other friend had decreed we weren't doing presents any more.

I have zero interest in my friends’ kids.

So basically, your friends should have consulted you and had their children when ypu did, so as not to bore/inconvenience you?

You're not obliged to spend time with people who are boring you. They thought you were a baby bore in the past when you had small children, so they distanced themselves. You are entirely free to do the same if you genuinely don't want to see them and find their company dull. If, however, it's tit for tat, I think that's rather juvenile.

Personally, I've cherished my childfree friends before and after I had DS because I have never laboured under the delusion that anyone wants to hear about my offspring.

You sound like you are in the thick of it to me, not long done. I’m in my late thirties and I still have friends the same age as me who are thinking about settling down and having kids “one day”. My oldest is a teenager, it’s perfectly mathematically possible I could have grandchildren older than their children, and I too was in my twenties when I had babies.

They are likely seeing you as someone who is at the full on full time stage of parenting little kids. Like they are. Because you are.

I guess you feel now how they felt then?

So lockdown getting to some people I guess...
I never called anyone a baby bore and my kids were never invited to any meetups to be one either
I get on great with my friends but just think people are right, we’re just at very different life stages at the moment.
I’m finally out of the fog now and looking forward to working more and doing more things with my older kids.

Maybe it’s because I had bad sleepers and very active toddlers but for me thankfully it’s gotten so much easier and I find doing things so much easier and enjoyable. So in that way feel for now I’m out of the thick of it.

U have a friend with a young toddler. U also have a 3 year old great they play together what's wrong? Make a day trip out to sundown adventure land thats a nice day out for kids under 10. I've always taken my oldest whose 10 everywhere and my friend has no kids and I've also taken her to sheffield city centre for a chinese in evening !! At 9pm she was 8. Friends have to cater and I'd they expect u to be hands on I'd say nah thanks I've been their done that