Friends like starting to have their first when we are long done

[Thefab3]

Sorry about the title. It sort of came out wrong there.
I think this might be more a rant or to hear if anyone else has had the same experiences. Me and my dh had our children a long time before any of our friends and in retrospect seems like we we’re young by comparison. We were actually just turned 28 so not that young when we had our first. I’m 36 now and have three awesome dcs , very happy and adore my 3.
Our youngest is three years old so still quite young. We had plenty of time before kids as we
have been with each other a while, both have degrees, post grads and a good bit of traveling so definitely don’t feel like we have missed out.
Our friends (although very nice etc ) sortof drifted off and showed absolutely no interest when we had real smallies , I never felt comfortable bringing them anywhere when we met up as it was awkward and could see they were irritated by them etc so made an effort to just go alone . All fair enough, they didn’t get it etc.
So fast forward to now when they are having /had their first and they expect so much more interest from us and although I’m so happy for them etc think I’m a bit burnt out from it all, years and years of sleep deprivation , breastfeeding, pregnancy,running around after toddlers and tbh although I love being a mum I am still pretty exhausted and it’s full on with three, the eldest are 8 and 5 and youngest is three. I also (and I know I don’t sound good here) inwardly cringe with some of the things they come out with (maybe I was the same) but just such wisdom and advice when they have a three week old or talks about how great their routine is and that’s why their child sleeps (I keep my mouth absolutely shut and I don’t think I’m an expert ) but I’ve had three and great routines and still had two crap sleepers and I can just see that it isn’t always that simple. This is all fine and to be expected but I just find it irritating. I am just getting my life and sleep back and getting back into running and working a bit more (pre covid!) but I’ve tried to arrange some catch ups with them and young toddlers are brought and I think they expect me to be more hands on than I am and interested. However at the same time I was told when mine were young that this and that meet up weren’t child friendly etc.
I get that they are at this different stage and I do have friends with kids the same age as mine but these are old friends from uni and it would be nice to stay close. I feel like I want to do what they did and leave it a few years!
I guess awful though this sounds I’m a bit delayed pissed off that they weren’t interested in my small kids but expect me to be more involved with theirs. Also a lot of talk about how their kids won’t have screens , only wooden toys etc etc . Maybe they will and in fairness my kids screen time is limited but it just comes across very preachy and judgey, I guess I’m just very over this stage. Anyone have similar experiences?

@BalloonSlayer yep l can relate to this. I have friends who want everything revolved around them -timings, nights out etc. But once other start to try to conceive or do get pregnant are a bit intolerant

I know what you are saying OP

An ex friend of mine expected a huge amount of fuss for her first baby

In particular she wanted people to spend large sums of money on things she had chosen

The thing was...she was one of the last to have a baby and had done nothing, ever, to acknowledge anyone else's pregnancy or baby, including not bothering remembering birthdays or RSVPing to Christenings

Some people are just self absorbed. If they acknowledge to you that they wish they had supported you more, if they had known what it was like, they are a keeper.

I'm with you, op. I have 3 (youngest 6) and my sisters have toddlers, I just can't give them the same time that my sisters gave my 3.

I'm on the other side to you, last in my family to start a family of my own (I'm currently pregnant)
I love my nieces and nephews but not hugely interested in spending tons of time with them all the time.
I totally understand where you're coming from as I've already thought about it and know my siblings will be pleased and love their new niece/nephew as I love mine but he/she won't be the centre of their world!! They have their own kids and lives and I don't expect a huge fuss now I've decided to have a family.
I also realised when I got married (and the same thing is happening now) that until it happens to you, you don't always 'get it.' I look back at some of my friends/family weddings and pregnancies and wish I knew what I know now as I think I'd have been more involved but you don't know til you know!

I'm in exactly the same position...my old friends are long distance friends as I relocated which makes it harder. I went to such great lengths to keep our friendships going. I left my dd with gps for a weekend at 4 months to attend a no child allowed wedding. I went to every hen do. I remember expressing at 4.30 am while everyone had passed out after a night out. I didn't even tell any if them I was having to express as I didnt want to bring my boring mum issues.

Now they have all started having kids and with a couple of them I feel that they have decided the long distance is just too much bother with a baby in tow. They've refused every invitation, even when I've been really accommodating over babies. The baby talk is really dull and I completely get you. Like someone before said, it's just different stages. I think I would endure it knowing that everyone comes out the other side. With the total lack of effort with my friends I feel really hurt and, if I'm honest, a bit of an idiot for making so much effort when mine were tiny. I was so desperate not to be boring! Sorry to turn this into my rant! I am with you all the way. And what's worse, your friends will never know how badly they've behaved.

You've got choices- you can step back for a bit, keep engaging but tread water through the boredom, or find a way to see them where child-centred stuff is off the table (hard with babies though).

Arguably them not being that interested when you had a small baby is similar to you not being that interested when they have a small baby!

I just wanted to add that personally I've found I understand the fuss about weddings since I had one myself, and am beginning to understand how people feel about their babies now that I'm pregnant myself.

I totally get that having been the first one, and almost (or maybe completely!) feeling like your kids were rejected by your friends, that you would feel like "why should I be interested in your new babies?". I just think that for some people we genuinely don't get it while we're childless! And you can't go back in time to make it up to you.

In terms of them being baby bores and you not, it might be that you censored yourself because you felt baby talk wasn't welcome, but they assume it's ok because you understand! So that might be why you get these conversations. I am under the impression that a lot of new parents have unrealistic holier-than-thou expectations of parenthood which may not last, so hopefully these topics will ease soon!

Sorry, but you sound a bit mean for being resentful about this.
Why do you mention they were surprised your weren’t hand ones with their babies! Did they actual say that?
If in a group of five friends only one has children, it is logical that the get togethers will be non-child orientated. When that balance tips, it will be the other way round.
Also you have three children - I’m sure you have bored them with some baby talk and they will have accommodated more than you are giving them credit for. You might not feel that way but I’m sure it is the case.

Don't feel bad OP, you're just at different stages. My SIL has two early teen children and I have three under five, we get on well but we are at quite different stages in our parenting so don't really gel on the subject. It's fine and we'll come back together when life settles down I'm sure.

Equally I get a bit inwardly eye-rolly about some of my other friends going on about it being 'so hard' having one baby. My youngest is 6 months and a crap sleeper so I also have it 'so hard', but I have two other pre-schoolers too! That said, it's not a competition and I would have been the same had my first been a tough baby.

On the other hand I've got much closer recently with a friend who has three young ones. We get each other's situations completely.

Don't be ending friendships or anything, just accept that life is a journey and you will feel more distant or more close to people at different times.

My friends and I had our DC around the same time years ago and I feel very close to their DC
My Dhs friends all have little ones and it can be very tedious
Partly because there just seems to be more fuss nowadays
Although every generation probably thinks that

Yeah that’s a really good point /

I think another poster hit the nail on the head. I remember going to loads of effort to meet and go to a good few childfree events that were actually really stressful as we had no family who would babysit and so would usually just be one of us and then being annoyed by “ but why did dh not come too”. This was with small babies and breastfeeding etc. We even had visiting friends who stayed with us and went out but couldn’t understand why I wasn’t going out too ( we couldn’t get a babysitter at the time and kids were very young and up frequently so I would have been exhausted at a 5am wake up the next day ).
And actually pre kids I definitely didn’t totally get it but I had some idea. My friend in uni was a single parent and I’d meet her at the playgrounds with our takeaway coffee or I’d call over in the evenings with wine and I babysat my nieces and nephews. I saw that their parents were restricted somewhat.
It’s not about getting back at them or anything like that. If anything I’m surprised by how unenthusiastic I am myself. I’m totally happy for them but I think I am just at a different stage and our kids are very different ages.

No I really didn’t bore them with baby talk at all, of that I’m sure.
No I don’t resent them, think people are reading it the wrong way.
It was basically handed a child so they could eat their food etc , I also had a coffee in front of me and although I had no problem doing it , they would never have done it for me. And no problem then but on the same meetup I was asked if I could walk around the cafe with another baby and I just said no , I was having my coffee. There was a comment about not being a baby person anymore in a sortof jokey way. It just made me think. Maybe it’s me but I just don’t have the energy anymore.
But will totally suggest some childfree activities going forward and we’ll still remain friends.

The key thing OP, is don't burn bridges.
Keep in contact but do your own thing and suit yourself.

I understand your frustration, I think a lot of people are just a bit wrapped up in whatever they're doing at the time. We're kind of going through this from the other side at the moment, am pregnant and have a toddler, 15 - 20 years later than a lot of my friends. Me and partner spent a lot of our 20s at friends' houses rather than going out because they had young kids, no money, no babysitters etc and now the roles are reversed as most of their kids are now late teens / early 20s and they've got their freedom back. I can understand their desire to make up for lost time and go out a lot etc but we basically haven't seen most of our friends for dust since our 1st was born. I don't expect (or want!) a houseful every weekend but I do feel a bit isolated and like what I thought were really close friendships were actually a bit 1 sided. I expected to see less of people obviously but really thought someone might nip round one weekend for a couple of glasses of wine once in 2 years (with kids in bed, I don't expect anyone to be massively interested in my kids either, just to care enough about the friendship to make an occasional small bit of effort to continue it). I think some friendships tend to end up kind of "on hold" for a bit when people are at such different life stages - I can see both sides of it - I am extremely boring now compared to a few years ago!

My youngest is 19.
Feels great that my husband and I have time to ourselves (pre covid)
I recently made a new friend who is a lot younger than me and she has very young children.
She is doing my head in,constantly hinting about me babysitting and I mean everytime I see her....me and my boyfriend would love a night away in a hotel,if only someone would stay over at ours for the night etc etc.

I have never once offered to babysit so have no idea why she seems to be expecting so much from a relatively new friendship.

Everyone thinks they definitely didn't bore anyone with baby talk and everyone absolutely definitely did.

They are handing their babies yo you as you were such a crashing bore about babies when yours were small they think you adore babies. You don't of course, just your own. And crashing bore=loving parent.

They genuinely think "she was so fond of those two ugly whining lumps she had, imagine how thrilled she'll be to hold a really beautiful cute child for a change." They genuinely think they are doing you a favour letting you hold them. It's mum-goggles and you had it too. Yes you did.

Friendships do tend to ebb and flow over the years. I'm sure you'll pick things up again when their children are older - don't overthink it and keep in touch without lots of pressure to holiday/meet up regularly

“Two ugly whiny lumps”, you genuinely sound really odd balloonslayer. Anyway just disregarding that post.
I think that’s exactly it Merlotmum and definitely won’t burn any bridges as they are good friends so will keep in touch. I actually do love babies but think I’m just out the other side now and need a breather from that stage. Thanks for replies, attempting a workout before madness of homeschooling, working and the usual covid induced madness begins..

Don't you think their babies, everyone's babies, are ugly whining lumps compared to how lovely your are?

Whoops yours are.

I am just trying to point out that perspectives change.

My sister once found herself feeling really bad for two mums she was chatting to. She felt awful that they would look at her beautiful girl and be upset because they didn't have a baby like that and only had ugly boys.

It was a long time before she realised they would have been thinking the same about her baby.

They genuinely think "she was so fond of those two ugly whining lumps she had, imagine how thrilled she'll be to hold a really beautiful cute child for a change."

I think this is exactly right. There were never such beautiful, perfect babies as my own when they were tiny either! But the photos tell a slightly different tale.

You sound perfectly reasonable but I would just point out that whilst you had lots of experience of babies before you had your family and knew how tough it was, many of your friends may not have done. We were the first to have DC on both sides of our family and, frankly, if none of my friends had had their babies I would have been 100% clueless about the impact.

All my friends babies are really adorable, this has absolutely nothing to do with how they look or how they perceive them to be or look. Just bizarre to keep going on about that balloonslayer...
The point was more about how I’ve lost a bit of enthusiasm or energy for this stage but have had a few tough years particularly around lack of sleep so it’s totally natural to feel a bit burnt out and over it.
I’ll definitely take an interest as I always have in their lives and their children are a huge part of that now but I feel reassured by comments here that I’m not selfish for not wanting to go on holidays or spend meetups holding or running around after kids etc. And it was prob our mistake but me and my dh did try to keep up in the past and even though we were exhausted etc did our best to go to all the very childfree events organized and no, we were very conscious not to talk about our lives with small kids. In retrospect we shouldn’t have been so self conscious. Anyway it was just a rant over a few recent incidents and what I predict will come but it’s clearer to me now, think my reaction is pretty normal!

This isn’t about kids, it’s about the fact that your friends previously showed you no empathy or understanding or interest about what you were going through as a mum, and now they expect it of you.

I’d be irritated too.

I’d be irritated by people with that kind of lack of empathy. One of my uni friends is pregnant now, the first in the group. It will change things for sure but already we are thinking about changing things to accommodate her as she’s the one who’s having the life changing event. I can’t imagine expecting her to leave her baby at home for everything though I expect there will be occasions when that might happen.