Are you an older parent? Were your own parents old when they had you?

[AncientandPregnant]

If you are an older parent or had older parents please tel me your experiences.

I am 42, my husband is 49, we have just discovered I am pregnant and I am so worried about our age.

My own parents were both in their early 40s when I was born in the 70s. It was much rarer then. My father died when I was a toddler from a stroke (admittedly he was very young for that to happen). Throughout my childhood I worried mum would die too as she was so much older than my friends’ mums. She died aged 65 when I was 22. Before that her age didn’t stop her being a great mum except the worry it caused me.

I chose to have my kids in my mid and late 20s because I wanted to be around for them as long as possible. I did that and they are now teens. I loved being a relatively young mum.

Now my career is going brilliantly and so is my DH’s career and our friends all have older kids so we do lots of fun things together as freedom returns.

I am so scared of having a child at this age. Of being too old to run and play with them. Of being distracted because my career and my friendship group are both at a stage where young kids are rare. I’m also aware I have a strong family history of dying young.

Please tell me your experiences.

My DH is older. Had dsd at 22 and then with me, dd at 44 and we are unexpectedly expecting another baby and my DH will be 49.
He's an amazing dad and I do worry some days about age and time but it doesn't feature with him. He just gets on with it. We changed our roles at home and he is now a stay at home dad and works part time.
I can worry about life etc but I can't control it so I make the most of every minute.
Do what is right for you and your family. Good luck

Well I think older parents are much more common these days so it wouldn't concern me at all . I myself have an ( adopted ) 6 yr old and my husband and I are both mid 50s and it is no different to me in terms of energy levels than when I had my older kids when I was in my 20s and 30s.
You are out of step with friends the same age though as they are on grandchildren and child free lifestyle so yes there is a sacrifice to be made there but the good far outweighs the negatives in my opinion.

I had my second child at 40, when my DS was 16. It's been fabulous. She's 18 now and I think we've been good parents. I'm not yet 60 and still working.
I think if you are fit and healthy with a positive attitude it can be wonderful. I certainly enjoyed DD's childhood a lot more than DS's because I was more confident in my parenting. Now she is older it's good too.

Thanks for sharing your experiences. Positive stories are comforting and I am sure a positive attitude is key.

Older parents (had them at 38,39,42), DH a few years older than me and both of us had older parents. Upsides: more money, more time, lovely house, established in work etc. Downsides: we are both very tired (and peri/meno... horribly grumpy)... but I do have health issues anyway but they are certainly worse now with the exhaustion of parenting and one child has challenging SEN, only one grandparent left (but they are fit and well).

It's just a different set of issues when you are older... not sure it would have been better/easier if we had had them younger.... good luck whatever you decide to do.

My parents were late teens when they had me. I was nearly 40.

Part of me wishes that I had had my lo younger, purely so I would spend longer with my child before my death, as negative that seems. BUT that's not the situation, so I have to simply make the best of whatever timescale I have; bearing in mind that anyone can die any age etc. And I hope I follow the female trend of living until my 90s!

I am lucky to not look my age, so I don't think I stand out in the playground, and tbh, many of the parents are within my age range.

I'd say embrace it. It is what it is. Congratulations.

Fwiw as a lone parent, my lo still has 2 grandparents and 2 great grandparents.

My lo also has additional needs, and I believe that being older I manage this better than those younger I know....

Your child will have a different experience of childhood than your older children did, but that doesn't have to be bad! He/she will probably have to 'slot in' more, fewer of your friends will have kids to run around with, but perhaps friendly interest from the adults who are no longer at that life stage. You might have less physical energy, but more patience and a broader outlook - and the perspective gained from having done this before.

Your child has adult siblings. If they have a strong relationship, the support of a wider family group will hopefully reduce fear of losing you.

I have older parents and we had DD late. I think the biggest negative has been that we didn't have long whilst my parents were well enough for DD and them to enjoy each other. But reading that you lost your parents so young makes me realise how lucky we are that she had any time at all with them!

Nothing is ever perfect. It sounds like you are weighing up whether to go ahead or not. Whichever way you choose, it will be OK.

You can't predict what will happen - my DD's godmother died of cancer aged 37, leaving three kids under 6. Nobody could have predicted that. My Dad died in his late 50s when I was 25.

It's something I've thought a lot about as we have a big age gap - so one DD who was born when I was 36 and DH was 55. There are advantages - greater financial security and the plan is for him to retire and be a SAHD in the next couple of years whilst I concentrate on my career.

I had my first 3 children in my late teens/ early twenties. Number 4 was born when I was 42. There is a 20 year age gap between number 3 and number 4.
I have loved having my youngest, it has been a joy to bring him up. It is almost like having an only child. We have done many things and been to many places, things that I couldn't have done with the older ones as there wasn't the money and opportunities weren't as easy then.
Youngest is now almost 20 and I am almost 62 and we have a great relationship.
Having him as an older parent has been fantastic.

It’s ok to not want to have a baby in your circumstances.

(It’s ok to not want to have a baby in any circumstances)

I had 3 children when I was very young, then another 2 when I was 39 and 42, my DH was 49 and 52 when the last 2 were born. They are both young adults now, at University.
Having children when We were older was just as lovely as having them when I was younger. In many ways life was easier because we had more money and were more relaxed about certain things.

My parents had a 35 year age gap, I was born when our father was 57, my sister when he was 60, he died at 67. My widowed mother found someone else (also older) , had his baby at 43 and she died at 53 when my half brother was 10.

All three very young children, didn't just lose a parent. We also immediately lost our family homes, had to move to a new area and new school, lost all our friends, and were partly brought up by people we barely knew. Mother had to get a job and farmed us out to relatives. After she died, Stepfather returned to his first wife, both in late 50's. W1 had no energy for raising his 10 yr old son by another woman so they sent my brother to a boarding school he detested.

So,, we all saw less of the respective widowed parent and there was no real emotional support .

  Yes, I have a very jaded view of  older parents.

My parents were 40 and 49 when I was born, and 41 and 51 when my sister was born. I hated having older parents, and vowed to complete my family before I was 30. Sadly, due to infertility issues I didn't have DD until I was 41 and DH was 48.

It meant that DH had to give up on the idea of early retirement, and is still working at 68.

Pros: we had achieved what we wanted to do career-wise, had travelled to various places, had a nice house with a garden and plenty of room and were financially secure

Cons: DD had only one grandparent, becoming a parent after 23 years of selfish adulthood was very hard to adjust to (probably because I was ambivalent abut having children anyway) and I felt isolated as all of my peers/family had children who were in their teens (not that it mattered as we didn't live near any of them)

I had mine at 42. I’ve friends who had theirs in their 40s too. Mine has more grandparents than I had at her age! I certainly don’t lack the energy to run around with her! In normal times, we’re usually off out all over the place doing exciting things! Would have been nice to have had her earlier, but you just deal with what life hands you really.

Op I had dc in my teens, 20's, 30's and 1 at 43!!
I would say the hardest bit about being older is keeping up with the changes in technology that they use!! Ds 5 is a whizz.
I am a dinosaur!!
Your dc will embrace whatever age you are as long as you are a loving dm!!
My dd 13 told me last year I am older like her friend's dm - but that's OK because I am great!
I have adult dc who had no issue with me being a dm again at an older age!!
Congratulations op!!

I had DD at 42. I never had grandparents, she has 2 who have little to no input into her life, so no difference.

The bonus of being an older mum is that my career was already established so financially it's easier. I've travelled and done pretty much everything I wanted to do so don't feel I'm 'on hold' as younger mums have told me they feel.

When she (hopefully) goes to university I'll be planning retirement which I'm happy about as I actually found my 20s far harder than my teenage years so I'm glad I'll have the time to help her through what could be a challenging time.

I'm in good health and look younger than I am so never feel out of place with school mums.

I don't think 42 is too old to have a baby. I lost my dad in my 30s so if I reach my 70s I'll have given DD the same experience I had.

I did think about my age when I found out I was pregnant but dying and leaving her wasn't anything I worried about. I was more concerned whether my body could cope with pregnancy. But I don't know why I worried, I have family and friends who had babies well into their 40s and all ok - I was fine too.

Of course it's entirely up to you what you do OP, but having older parents really isn't that big of a deal these days.

Thanks again for all sharing your experiences. There are some really uplifting stories here as well as some sobering ones. I have to make my decision pretty quickly and it’s incredible hard when you are solvent, have space, love babies but you are also shit scared about the impact on your aging body, your career and the vision you always had for middle age.

Thinking about u op x

I'm expecting my first - I'm 38 and DP is 44. My mum was 35 when she had me and DP's mum 40 when she had him so pretty late in their day.

There's a thread running on the pregnancy board for older expectant mums if you want to join? I think I'm the youngest there..

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/3912795-Thread-for-us-classed-as-mature-pregnant-ladies

Sorry, meant to add the link

My parents were young, poor, ill-educated and had not ever thought about whether they actually wanted children, what they could offer as parents, and how they would afford to support their four children.

I had one child at 39, having determined that we could afford the time, money and attention, and give our child a good life.

OP,

I'm sure there are loads of uplifting stories about.

I had my children late and enjoy them.

However, in your position I wouldn't dream of having a baby and going back to the sleepless nights, toddlers, potty training and the whole primary school thing.

Whilst it can be very positive, it will completely change your life, the family dynamics.

It will change your life the most.
Make no mistake about that.
You will be starting again a commitment to a human being for another 18 years at least.

By all means go ahead with it.
You will love the baby to bits no doubt.

But...the big but is that you need to be sure do you want to be back doing the whole baby scene again.

Does your husband want this.

How will it work for your career.
Will your husband share childcare or will it be YOUR career that will have to solely accommodate another child.

Wishing you the best whatever you decide.

My (only) DC was the result of a boozy weekend in Lisbon for my 40th birthday. I was always but not solely one of the older mums at playgroup, nursery etc. It never bothered me. My only regret is I would have liked DD to have had a sibling but I didn’t want a second child approaching 45 (when I briefly considered it).