Are you an older parent? Were your own parents old when they had you?

[AncientandPregnant]

If you are an older parent or had older parents please tel me your experiences.

I am 42, my husband is 49, we have just discovered I am pregnant and I am so worried about our age.

My own parents were both in their early 40s when I was born in the 70s. It was much rarer then. My father died when I was a toddler from a stroke (admittedly he was very young for that to happen). Throughout my childhood I worried mum would die too as she was so much older than my friends’ mums. She died aged 65 when I was 22. Before that her age didn’t stop her being a great mum except the worry it caused me.

I chose to have my kids in my mid and late 20s because I wanted to be around for them as long as possible. I did that and they are now teens. I loved being a relatively young mum.

Now my career is going brilliantly and so is my DH’s career and our friends all have older kids so we do lots of fun things together as freedom returns.

I am so scared of having a child at this age. Of being too old to run and play with them. Of being distracted because my career and my friendship group are both at a stage where young kids are rare. I’m also aware I have a strong family history of dying young.

Please tell me your experiences.

My dm was 42 when I was born, 44 with dsis. She lived until 87.

I had ds at 45, and it has been great. I have a home and a career, had a straightforward pregnancy, natural delivery, no problems.

Ds is 12 now, happy, doing well in school. I have taken care to stay fit & healthy. We cycle together, practice karate, and because so many people are having children later on, most of my friends have children of similar age. I’ve loved having him.

I would have been a hopeless parent in my 20s.

My Grandma was 44 when my aunt was born, in the 60s. My aunt hated having such old parents, people always assumed they were her grandparents. Her dad died when she was a teenager, but her mum was around much longer and was an amazing mum. She vowed never to have kids.

That same aunt suddenly decided she wanted children in her late 30s. She had one at 38 and one at 42. They are the most loved children ever. Of course there are problems, but who's to say there wouldn't have been problems if she was younger. She's had periods of ill health, and lack of money is always a feature in their lives. But that's the same with my sister who had her kids in her twenties.

I am 46 my husband 53, we just had our 3rd. I don’t feel old, it’s just a number. My mum had me she was 40, now she is 86, still very active, my father died when I was 32, but that was due to lifestyle choices.

You can die at any age, our son is nearly 5 months, brought so much joy, our other children 11 and 9 are little helpers and love it.

Yes it means working later, but we know no different.

Only you can decide what life you want, but you are not old.

I also have a friend who had a surprise final baby at 48. She already had teen-agers, who were agast at the idea of a baby sibling. Again, there's been ill health in the family, which has made things harder, and aging grandparents need help themselves rather than being willing and able to help with childcare (the teen-agers helped out with childcare when needed though). She says she's so much more relaxed about raising this child than she was with the older ones, as this time round she's got other things to worry about and he just gets on with it.

If you don't want to go back to that baby stage and having to worry about childcare etc for the next 18 years then that's ok. Nobody is going to force you to have a baby you don't want. It is more common than you think for women in their 40s to have abortions, as their families are complete. When my friend discovered she was pregnant the doctors were very surprised she chose to keep him as the majority of mothers in her situation choose not to (again, pregnancy in mid/late 40s is more common than we are lead to believe)

The thing is, every circumstance is unique. I had my son at 37 and twins at 40. My ageing (your word!) body is fine, no stretch marks, breastfeeding both babies happily. I'm tired yes but I would have been regardless with 3 under 3! DH is 42 now, we're financially comfortable, happy to pour energy into our kids now after pleasing ourselves for the best part of two decades.

My mum had me at 37, when it was more unusual, and my dad was 54. The age gap with him was a problem though not as much as him being a narcissistic arse. Both had a pretty 'old' outlook though and we didn't have many shared interests. I lost my mother young, which was hard, but she was only 57 so it was unexpected. My father lived to his 80s.

Personally I feel our parenting style and experience is light years apart from my parents'. My husband's mum and dad were much younger, but he still lost his dad young (died at 44!).

All you can consider is how you feel about it, how you would both parent and whether you can do a good job.

I was a couple of weeks off my 42nd birthday when my youngest child was born. I do not regret having her at all - she's been the most lovely addition to my famil0y that I can imagine. (Having said that, I had a child when I was 37 too, so her next sibling is only 4 years older than her) 000

Still have loads of energy 8 years later, and her old0er siblings love her and she loves them. My dad died when she was 2 and her other grandfather died before I even got married (and before any of my children were born).

It's lovely, I love being with her.

I got pregnant when I was 46 and made the decision not to keep that baby. It was of course not the easiest decision to make, but I made it on the basis of my other children's needs. Also, I'll be 60 when my youngest daughter leaves home to go to university. That seems to be my limit - any older and I think it's too much.

I really disliked having older parents growing up. They were more tired and out of touch. I think because you've had older parents yourself you would know all the issues that can arise and try to compensate. Healthy, active lifestyle so you have energy, show interest in keeping up with modern technology and trends etc.

My parents were both early/mid 20th when I was born. It was norm then. I could have had kids earlier, but the work was so fun and I wanted to make sure everything was secure before I had my children, so I had them later.
I think I made a good choice for myself, I did things I wanted to do before I had children, so I feel no regret for sacrificing my life to suit family life. Went out traveling, out most nights with friends when younger, paid off mortgage, not much financial worry, now I lead very secluded life as sahm, quite happily. And I do worry that we would be very old when dc is older, but we have enough maturity to save for their future, which I wouldn't have done when I was younger.

My parents were 40 and 41 when I was born. It was unusual then. I used to hate when friends would say things like ‘Alias your grandad’s here to pick you up’. My siblings were 12, 17 and 19 when I was born, I felt a bit like an only child and it could be lonely, also I felt a bit like my parents had done all the ‘little kid’ things like camping, picnics etc and wanted to go to more grown up restaurants or on slightly less kid friendly holidays and I used to wish I could have been born when my siblings were younger. That’s unfair though looking back - they did lots of lovely fun things with me still, and my eldest ‘nephew’ was born when I was 5, quickly followed by others, so I almost grew up with them like siblings.

The worst was my dad having a stroke when I was 15, he was ill for 8 years and my teens/GCSEs/A-Levels/going to uni was all overshadowed by his illness and need for care and then he died when I just graduated. My mum got breast cancer during that time (when I was 18), she recovered but it eventually came back and I cared for her and lost her in my early 30s which felt far too soon.

I was determined I didn’t want to be an older parent because of my experiences. Unfortunately life and fertility didn’t work out that way and I’m pregnant with my first at 40 now. I’m very conflicted about it, I worry about whether I’m going to have the energy and enthusiasm this child deserves and whether I’m going to be around for them long enough. I feel sad I can’t offer them grandparents on my side and much older grandparents on DH’s side. I don’t want my child’s early life to be overshadowed by illness and bereavement and constant worry as mine was.

All that said, I know my mum was wonderful and I’d never wish for any other. My dad’s illness and eventual death was hugely lifestyle related and particularly due to alcohol, which I will not allow to be a factor in my child’s life in the same way. I don’t think the stress of living with an alcoholic and then all the caring for him for years did my mum’s health any good either.

On another note - I talk about my mum and dad there, but I was actually adopted (within the family in slightly complicated circumstances). My birth mum (adopted mums sister) died in childbirth age mid 30s. My real dad was a bit younger than her, remained a part of my life although didn’t raise me and I loved him very much, he died when I was 13 and he was 42 - just dropped down dead of a heart attack. So I know younger parents isn’t a guarantee of avoiding early bereavement either.

My youngest was 15, my eldest just turned 21 when we had our "late" baby. I turned 44 in the new-baby haze .

We took a huge financial hit, which is my only regret. My year on Mat Leave was well timed as that was the year they used to calculate student finance for DS2 and he got a full loan. We didn't have any savings and always used all our income so to suddenly have to find nursery fees was a struggle. When you already have teens you can't cut back, nor can you downsize because you need even more room.

That aside, we did consider having another baby so DD wouldn't be an only, but had to unexpectedly start a new job and move across the country, then got dx with cancer so that was the end of that idea.

The positives have been immense. It has been fantastic to actually enjoy a child growing up and have time to notice all the stages without being either desperate for what comes next or too tired to notice. We've taken up new interests and met new people, which for us moving to a new area has been really valuable.

I was 22 when I had DC1 and had no confidence. People would tell me I was doing everything wrong and I believed them. This time I've been able to say with confidence that I know what I'm doing; I managed to raise the others, so I'm doing it my way. This one is mine .

A lot of child raising practices have changed completely, but it's quite easy to keep up with it by reading mumsnet; there was no internet when I was struggling with my PFB.

No issues at the school gates either, and nobody has ever called me grandma. When the others went to school we always seemed to be the youngest parents, now we are the eldest.