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Original poster

Coming Out to my husband

49 replies

TinTin1010 · 06/06/2020 03:01

Hope this is ok to post here,
I just came out as possibly bisexual To my husband, I’m still confused,
It was a really hard discussion and thank goodness he seems to understand. I don’t want our relationship to change, I’m very lucky. It was such a risk, but I felt like I was lying. I’ve never kept a secret from him before.
I feel very scared for what the future will hold really.
Does any one else have any similar experiences?

OP posts:
Sadiesnakes · 06/06/2020 03:51

Why should the future be any different? Instead of being attracted to men you are attracted to men and women. Unless you are planning to cheat with a woman, which is a completely separate issue, just crack on?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 06/06/2020 04:31

@TinTin1010 congrats OP, coming out is always hard, but hopefully you can now feel a bit more comfortable in yourself.

Another bi lady married to a man here, though i was out when I met him. Its a weird one, because though being out and having words for who you are is a huge deal and feels absolutely monumental, as PP said (though not very nicely) it doesn't actually change anything. You still love your husband, he still loves you, happy days.

I think it's very normal to feel a bit overwhelmed and freaked out after coming out, its kinda like coming down from an adrenaline high. Cut yourselves some slack. And congratulations.

R2519 · 06/06/2020 06:49

Forgive me for being ignorant @SomeoneElseEntirelyNow, I genuinely don't mean to be but do you think it affects your relationship with your DH, being bisexual.

I've always looked at it that if you are straight and in a relationship then you can be content with your lot, so to speak, but if you ars bisexual, would perhaps feel uou are missing something. Maybe I'm not wording it correctly but perhaps not feeling complete if that males sense.

I suppose my question would be if you spend the rest of your life married to your DH will you be happy with that or as you are bisexual, do you feel there is something missing from your life?

Oblomov20 · 06/06/2020 06:53

Are you planning to action this? Have you had previous relationships with women before? Or not, and want to?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 06/06/2020 06:55

I know you don't mean to be, but you're playing into a pretty offensive stereotype here. Are you married to a man? In a committed life long relationship with a man? If so, do you feel there's something missing from your life? He's the only man you'll ever fuck from now on, don't you feel like you're missing out on all the other men you could be with?

I'm not missing anything. I'm married to the love of my life, who cherishes and supports me, who i adore. What could i possibly be missing?

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 06/06/2020 06:57

That was for @R2519 sorry

Stuckforthefourthtime · 06/06/2020 07:04

I suppose my question would be if you spend the rest of your life married to your DH will you be happy with that or as you are bisexual, do you feel there is something missing from your life?

Oh of course, just in the same way that I've always been attracted to people with blonde hair and with brown hair - so being married to someone with brown hair, I feel like I'm missing something critical... Hmm

That said, I do think that OP might agree with you (or be hinting at a desire for an affair) when she says that she's 'scared about what the future might hold'. In what way? I've been in relationships with both men and women, now I'm in a monogamous relationship with a man and unless that changes, it doesn't matter who I quite like the look of, as it won't be going anywhere.

NoHardSell · 06/06/2020 07:04

Not really getting it. Do you mean you are opening up your marriage but you will be sleeping with women not/as well as men? Otherwise I don't see any change in anything there. It's a kind of theoretical situation. I'm bi, it's never meant much to me either way apart from more choice and better threesomes. It will be boringly predictable if your husband decides he can tolerate you exploring this new side of you as long as he is there. All bi women love a 'might be bi' threesome Hmm

R2519 · 06/06/2020 07:15

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow.
I am a man who is married to a woman who is bisexual. Its something that has played on my mind over the years. I dont lose sleep over it and I dont think my wife would do anything. I trust her completely and we have a fantastic marriage and 2 beautiful kids. We are both very happy and content but I've just wondered on the odd occassion if I'm enough or if she could feel she is missing something, should we stay married for life (we are mid 30's), and i hope we do obviously.

I'm sorry if i offended you, I was just asking a question. Surely the only way we learn things in life is by asking questions then educating people. I am not stereotyping, I know everyone is different, and I meant no offense, I'm just curious, from a complete strangers perspective, if you could be completely happy with a man or a woman for that matter, for the rest of your life, if you were bisexual.

My only other experience was from many years ago when a close childhood friends mother left her husband for a woman as she was bisexual. Since then she has had several relationships with both men and women and doesnt seem to settle down for very long. Now I find myself married to a bisexual woman, as I said before, I have wondered on occasions if she will ever feel she is missing something and could be happy knowing that.

R2519 · 06/06/2020 07:21

@Stuckforthefourthtime
I suppose if you put it into more simplistic terms of hair colour i get what you are saying but ive also heard people say being in a relationship with a woman is different to a man.....we are from different planets if you belive the Mars / Venus thing. P

Maybe I've been overthinking the whole thing.....my wife tells me I ruminate on things and overthink a lot so maybe she has a point!

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 06/06/2020 07:23

@r2519 again, you're buying into the "indecisive slut" narrative about bisexuals, and it's gross. It's also really lazy thinking. You can make all the noise you like about educating yourself, but maybe instead of questioning strangers on the internet rude, judgemental questions you could just use your brain a little bit. I'm not spending my marriage daydreaming about other women any more than you are, and the fact that you assumed i would be just because I'm bi shows a disdain and prejudice that you really need to work on addressing.

It's pride month. There are resources everywhere. Do your own legwork.

2bazookas · 06/06/2020 07:24

Surely the point is, are you monogamous ?

Danni91 · 06/06/2020 07:26

What's scaring you?

Idk that it is a ground breaking, marriage ending issue. Unless hes a jealous man before hand but i doubt it as you said hes been supportive.

Its fairly natural to find other people attractive, married or not. Just happens you can find both men and women attractive.

Is it that you want to be with a woman instead of married to your husband? If so that is a whole lot bigger of an issue than fancying both genders.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 06/06/2020 07:26

Its different being in a relationship with a man or a woman, just as its different being in a relationship with you or your next door neighbour, because - shock horror - all people are different.

These Mars/Venus bullshit should have been left in the 90s, it's always just been a thinly disguised way to excuse poor communication and shit relationships.

Obviouspretzel · 06/06/2020 08:08

@someoneelseentirelynow

I agree with what you say, but what about if you have not had a same sex experience before you settle down? Then realise you are bi. Then you are going to feel like you have missed out on something ?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 06/06/2020 09:14

My only other experience was from many years ago when a close childhood friends mother left her husband for a woman as she was bisexual

No, she left her husband for a woman because she didn't like / love him anymore, or any other reason that a person leaves one person for another person. And she hasn't settled down since, because either she's not into monogamy, or doesn't want to, or has other issues, or any of the other reasons that a person doesn't settle down with other people.

There are some people who use bisexuality as an excuse to mess around. There are some for whom bisexuality is a stepping stone on the way to saying that they are in fact gay (maybe the op is one, and that's why she's scared? 🤷🏼‍♀️)

For lots of others, it just means you aren't that fussed about people's genital configuration, or have a preference but it's not strong - but for people who want a monogamous relationship, they are equally as able to commit to it as anyone who'd define themselves as heterosexual or gay (which is to say, not perfectly, but not badly either).

Original poster
TinTin1010 · 06/06/2020 10:06

Thank you for your responses, I might have left this a bIt too open ended 🤦‍♀️
@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow You really have hit Exactly how I feel, thank you so much for the comments

He’s the love of my life We have two children together. I do not feel the need to explore my sexuality further, I would never cheat on my husband. i just couldn’t carry on living a half truth.
I suppose I was scared how he would react as both our families are pretty homophobic tbh and I am not at all in a place that I would discuss it with then.
It was one of the most scariest moments of my life telling my husband. I don’t know why but that’s how it felt.

OP posts:
TARSCOUT · 06/06/2020 10:36

I don't understand why it is a conversation that even had to happen. You are married and have no intention in having an affair so why would you even mention it. I can honestly say I would be devastated if my husband suddenly told me this and would actually feel betrayed. If I had known before we married that would be entirely different but honestly I would know feel my marriage was a bit of a sham.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 06/06/2020 10:51

@TARSCOUT why? If it's a realisation he just came to, you wouldn't be supportive? That's a pretty shitty thing to say, brave of you to admit it.

I imagine she told him because not telling him felt like hiding a huge part of who she is, of her identity. This is something that straight cis people probably couldn't ever really understand, but being in the closet gnaws away at you. In a marriage you should be able to be your most authentic self. Obviously that's not what you want for your husband, but most other people would want their spouses to be able to be completely open with them about what they think and how they feel.

Original poster
TinTin1010 · 06/06/2020 10:53

@TARSCOUT it needed to happen, because it’s a part of me, I felt like I was lying and we’ve never hidden from each other before.
Yes I wish I knew earlier, but I didn’t, I didn’t realise.
I don’t understand why it makes my marriage a sham, It would surely only make my marriage a shame If I wasn’t attracted to men? If my husband told me he fancied men it wouldnt change unless he was going to act on it.

OP posts:
curtainsforme · 06/06/2020 10:55

I don’t want our relationship to change

Why did you tell him then?

Makes zero sense. Other than to hurt him.

What you have done is offload your feelings and dumped on him. He will now be questing so much within your relationship, and for what? To give your wee head some space?

Awful thing to do.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 06/06/2020 10:59

@curtainsforme what the actual fuck, dude? Just because you're under the impression that all bisexuals are incapable of monogamy and raring to jump on anyone who moves doesn't mean that OP's husband is also an insecure bigoted idiot. Maybe keep your shitty thoughts to yourself if you can't be helpful.

curtainsforme · 06/06/2020 11:02

what the actual fuck, dude? Just because you're under the impression that all bisexuals are incapable of monogamy and raring to jump on anyone who moves doesn't mean that OP's husband is also an insecure bigoted idiot. Maybe keep your shitty thoughts to yourself if you can't be helpful.

Eh?

I did not say any of this??

I didn't call anyone a bigot and I certainly didn't suggest bisexual people, of which I am one, are incapable of monogamy.

You have serious comprehension issues if that is what you took from my post.

What the actual fuck right back Hmm

Original poster
TinTin1010 · 06/06/2020 11:10

@curtainsforme I appreciate you taking the time to respond and your right that maybe I have offloaded to him, but i don’t see why this is a bad thing. If I can’t talk to him then what are we doing being married. Surely honesty is always the best route. It’s served us well for the last 10+ years.
I have made it clear to him that I find him attractive and that as alwayS my marriage is one of my greatest achievements.
Why is it an awful thing to do?

OP posts:
curtainsforme · 06/06/2020 11:18

Why is it an awful thing to do?

Because you dumped on him to make peace in your own mind?

Maybe it's not awful, that might have been harsh, but it isn't really fair to him. I don't know anyone in a relationship who would welcome the information that their partner was bisexual without question. People analyse and rethink everything when they learn new things about people. So your mind may be clear now but his will be buzzing. And no, not because I assumed you would cheat on him, just to clarify that point again. Mentally it isn't as easy as 'oh, your bisexual? Yeah, that's fine' for the partner.