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Original poster

Coming Out to my husband

49 replies

TinTin1010 · 06/06/2020 03:01

Hope this is ok to post here,
I just came out as possibly bisexual To my husband, I’m still confused,
It was a really hard discussion and thank goodness he seems to understand. I don’t want our relationship to change, I’m very lucky. It was such a risk, but I felt like I was lying. I’ve never kept a secret from him before.
I feel very scared for what the future will hold really.
Does any one else have any similar experiences?

OP posts:

senua · 06/06/2020 11:28

If you are not going to act on this then why tell your DH? What has he or the relationship gained from this information?
Why the burning need to offload that you are possibly bisexual. You are not even "coming out" as a definite but merely a possible. It does seem a bit egocentric.

frankenpie · 06/06/2020 11:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

TinTin1010 · 06/06/2020 11:50

@curtainsforme I’m not asking him to just accept it, I’ve made it clear that Ill accept however he chooses to process it.
Speaking this morning he has said that although he is understandably surprised and still processing, he doesn’t feel any differently towards me and trust me completely as I have never given him any reason not to.

@senua I probably should have been clearer here, I do believe I am bisexual.

You are right I have been egocentric, for context I became a full time career to our first child who is disabled so I don’t think i honestly had time to function let alone think. Not looking for excuses just a fact.

OP posts:

curtainsforme · 06/06/2020 11:52

*I’m not asking him to just accept it, I’ve made it clear that Ill accept however he chooses to process it.
*

Speaking this morning he has said that although he is understandably surprised and still processing, he doesn’t feel any differently towards me and trust me completely as I have never given him any reason not to.

This was my point entirely. Nothing to do with trust, as I said before. But the 'processing' thing. You have literally given him this huge thing to 'process' simply so you can ease your own mind.

I understand why you have, I just don't think it's fair to dump on your partner when you didn't really have to.

NoHardSell · 06/06/2020 12:12

I still don't get why you told him in this 'big' way if you don't mean to do something about it (which he surely will start to think about). Happily many men seem to take that in a porn style fantasy way (unlike women. As any bi man will tell you - most women run a mile). But what does it even mean? Are you just essentially saying 'i fancy her off the telly?' Cheap thrill spice up the sex life style? Or do you actually have a particular woman already in your life in mind?? In which case, are you building up to asking for permission?

bathsh3ba · 06/06/2020 12:15

I read a really interesting article recently which said that our modern understanding of sexuality being something that you 'are' as opposed to something that you 'do' is actually very new. It was accepted that different people had different sexual preferences. Society definitely tried to regulate sexual activities but the idea that you would label someone as 'heterosexual' or 'gay' or 'bisexual' would have been met with confusion. So, in the context of your marriage, I don't personally think it matters who you're attracted to. It would only matter if you decided to break your marriage vows by cheating on him - and in that respect it wouldn't matter if it was a man or a woman.

CrowCat · 06/06/2020 12:22

I think my question would be if you're happy in your relationship and have no desire to explore your sexuality, why would you feel the need to tell your husband you're bisexual now? Why was it not relevant enough to tell him when you first met, but now it is?

TooSadToSay · 06/06/2020 12:28

Wow so many dramatic posters on this thread. Why shouldn't she tell her husband? As if that makes her marriage a lie, lol. That comment is straight out of the 1950s!

OP, telling your husband was not a terrible thing to do. We all grow and learn more about ourselves as we get older and it's no crime to share that with your husband. Bisexual people get so much shit, it's unbelievable. As if we are crazed sex addicts who can't possibly be monogamous.

kateluvscats · 06/06/2020 12:43

Why did you feel the need to tell him, I think that was a very selfish thing to do. Now he will spend the rest of his time wondering if he is good enough. Poor husband. What was the actual benefit of telling him?

curtainsforme · 06/06/2020 12:53

Wow so many dramatic posters on this thread.

Literally nobody has been dramatic. People may not have the same opinion but there is no drama here.

Why shouldn't she tell her husband?

I think every single poster who was of opinion she should not tell him explained their reason for thinking that in their posts. What more do you want people to say?

As if that makes her marriage a lie, lol. That comment is straight out of the 1950s!

I don't know who's comment you are referring to.

NoHardSell · 06/06/2020 12:53

I know exactly what you mean Bathsh3ba
That's how I view me. I 'do' rather than 'am'. But as op doesn't 'do' and this is all apparently theoretical, I guess she is saying she 'is' rather than 'does'. If my teens did that, I would roll my eyes and call it attention seeking but there we go.

bathsh3ba · 06/06/2020 13:04

I wish I could find the link but I also read an article from the Guardian a little while ago written by a gay man. He said that the LGBT community had fought hard for sexuality to be considered part of their identity as a backlash against the idea that being gay could be 'cured'. Which makes sense.

Original poster

TinTin1010 · 06/06/2020 13:14

Thank you everyone for your comments, although I don’t agree with all of them I appreciate the time you’ve taken to respond.
You have all given me a lot to think about.
Feeling pretty shit tbh, if that’s what I deserved for telling him then ok. I didn’t think so, I thought I was doing a good thing by being honest.
We have been together since I was 18 so I really hadn’t thought much about it before then, apart from

OP posts:

Mumoblue · 06/06/2020 13:18

PP are being silly. You haven't hurt him, unless he has specifically said he feels hurt, which would be weird.

You're still the same you. You still want to have a relationship with him. Why would anything change?

RiverCrossing · 06/06/2020 13:18

I suspect the OP felt that she needed to tell her husband because the idea of living life with a secret she was keeping from him felt like living a half truth and so was unbearable. It doesn’t make a difference that she’s not intending to act on it - it’s about coming to terms with it yourself, saying the words out loud and knowing that people still love you for who you really are. Unless you have been in this situation you have no idea what it is like to come to terms with your sexuality in your own head. Good for you OP, I am glad your husband was supportive.

Original poster

TinTin1010 · 06/06/2020 13:19

A few fairly naive interactions with a friend in my younger teenage years.

‘If my teens did that, I would roll my eyes and call it attention seeking but there we go.‘
This is the opposite of what I’m trying to do. I hate drama and or attention hence why I was posting here as I don’t want it discuss it with anyone else

OP posts:

NaviSprite · 06/06/2020 13:54

I’m bi and married to a man OP, I get it, it’s a part of who you are and you wanted to share it. How confirming your sexuality is “offloading” I don’t know. All I had to do when I told my DH (way before we were married granted but then I knew for certain before I met him) was make it clear that it didn’t mean I was going to run off with a woman if it suited me, that being a bisexual woman did not automatically mean I was up for a threesome (tired joke that I’ve heard from almost every man who knows I’m Bi) and that generally speaking, I’m not automatically attracted to people by appearance, more personality, I fell in love for him for both so nothing for him to worry about as I feel very strongly about monogamy and honesty in a relationship.

If anything maybe your DH could do with some reassurance that, whilst you are now aware and accept that you can feel attraction to the same sex, doesn’t change anything about your views on your relationship with him or being faithful?

Original poster

TinTin1010 · 06/06/2020 15:30

@RiverCrossing exactly this

@NaviSprite thanks so much for sharing your experience
I’m hoping that I’ve reassured him enough how happy I am within our marriage.
The idea of a threesome didn’t even come up (he would definitely be horrified at the idea) It does seem to be a common assumption on tv etc.
Thanks for the advice

OP posts:

NoHardSell · 06/06/2020 15:35

Honestly op, how ok would you be with your husband telling you he was bi? Wouldn't you start wondering why exactly he had waited all these years of marriage to tell you? And what his agenda was? I wonder if you do have a conscious or subconscious agenda here. How have you started to notice your bi side? In other words .. who ..?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 06/06/2020 15:37

it needed to happen, because it’s a part of me, I felt like I was lying and we’ve never hidden from each other before.

Do understand though, that if you didn't know it before, and now you do, the only way you would have gained this additional knowledge is by being strongly attracted to one or more women, in recent times.

I don't think it's dumping on him, and you have every right to, but it's no surprise if he feels a bit shit, and I think it's reasonable that you feel a bit crap too. I'd also feel a bit shit if my husband came to me to say that he had recently been strongly attracted to other people, enough to change his view of who he found attractive, regardless of gender.

curtainsforme · 06/06/2020 16:07

PP are being silly. You haven't hurt him, unless he has specifically said he feels hurt, which would be weird.

You are the one being silly to make these assumptions. You have no idea how he feels.

Biancadelrioisback · 06/06/2020 16:20

But it isn't living a lie. Unless you specifically talk to your DH about who you are attracted to regularly.
I know DH will find other people attractive, and, who that is is completely irrelevant to me. Providing I trust him to be faithful to me, he could be attracted to other men and it would make zero difference to me. If he felt the overwhelming need to explore his attractions, then that is a completely different story.

Mumoblue · 06/06/2020 16:27

@curtainsforme
OK, so I'm silly for assuming he isn't hurt, then you're silly for assuming he is.

I would examine why you think OP coming out as bi is 'hurtful'.

curtainsforme · 06/06/2020 16:31

OK, so I'm silly for assuming he isn't hurt, then you're silly for assuming he is.

I haven't assumed how he feels. Not once.

I would examine why you think OP coming out as bi is 'hurtful'.

I don't need to examine my thoughts. How odd.

I said initially I didn't understand why OP had done it, unless it was to hurt him. I haven't assumed his hurt; I was asking it that was the reason. The thread progressed somewhat since that comment. I have explained more than once why I think it wasn't a fair thing to do.

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