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Original poster

I need someone to tell me if I’m being silly

32 replies

Notsure4 · 06/06/2020 00:02

A few weeks ago I met a man on a dating site, he seemed very nice and we met up for a “social distancing” date a few weeks ago, all very civilised.

Two weeks ago I went on another date with him and made the mistake of inviting him back to my house (I was drunk and I know it was wrong because of covid). We had several more drinks (I was pretty wasted and I’m sure he was too) and he put the moves on me pretty heavily.

I’d made it clear to him beforehand that I didn’t want to sleep with him and he didn’t push that but he was persistent in trying to “finger” me, I can remember pushing him off several times and pushing his hand away but he kept trying and in the end I just sort of let him, until he decided he’d had enough.

I don’t really remember what happened next but I woke up in bed with him (I’m 90% sure we didn’t have sex) and he was being all lovey dovey with me whilst frankly I was horrified. I was fully dressed and he was naked and he kept guiding my hand to his penis and making me rub it, I kept pulling my hand away but he was persistent and to my shame I basically ended up wanking him off so he’d leave me alone.

Afterwards he was nice to me and stayed for a while and then suggested we “went back to bed for a cuddle” where he pushed my hand down repeatedly again despite me saying I didn’t want to. I ended up wanking him off again because I just wanted him to stop it. He then hugged me and left.

He described himself as “forward” and I thought maybe I’m just being naive (I have ASD and thought I’d read the situation wrong). He’s hardly spoken to me since and it’s got me wondering did he just see me as an easy target?

But then also I’ve continued to text him after this so I’m obviously ok with his behaviour on some level.

I have NC for this and sorry for such a deep post on a Friday night but hoping someone can help me make sense of it.

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 06/06/2020 00:03

He treated you badly and you are upset. You are definitely not being silly.

Cat0115 · 06/06/2020 00:04

No, you are not being silly. He should have taken no for an answer. Have you got someone to talk to in real life?

Joopy · 06/06/2020 00:05

Not silly, please don't let him treat you like this.

catmg · 06/06/2020 00:07

He sounds like a teenager.

Women are taught to be polite. Don't be with dicks like this.

TheMurk · 06/06/2020 00:07

Please stop texting him.

Don’t explain to him or apologise for stopping, just stop. Don’t make contact with him again.

Original poster
Notsure4 · 06/06/2020 00:08

I can’t talk to anyone in real life because he’s a customer of my work (that’s not how we met) and frankly I’m ashamed I gave in so easily.

He was incredibly persistent at wanting to “pleasure” me and I really didn’t want to but in the end I gave in and just sort of sat there and let him.

He told me many lovey dovey things afterwards and I suppose I thought he was just super keen. I’m just wondering if now I’m starting to question his behaviour because he’s ghosted me?

OP posts:
Nillynally · 06/06/2020 00:12

I'm really sorry but you have been sexually assaulted. If you 'give in' to his persistence then that is not consent. You need to report him to the police.

TheGinGenie · 06/06/2020 00:14

Yep this wasn't consent, it was assault and he's not a nice guy. You did nothing wrong.

Original poster
Notsure4 · 06/06/2020 00:16

There’s no way I’ll be able to report him, to my shame I don’t even know his surname and the fact I’ve continued to message him for a few days after I feel is almost implicit consent Sad

OP posts:
Pinkchocolate · 06/06/2020 00:17

No no no! This is not ok! You are not being silly! He sounds gross and I would report him. Don’t be ashamed, you did nothing wrong.

TheMurk · 06/06/2020 00:23

Ok @notsure I have been in your position and I understand how you feel. I think you are worrying too much about him and how he is thinking. You need to worry about you.

You have said a few times you feel shame.

Please take the first step in closing the door on this man and stop communicating with him. If you think this is eventually leading to some kind of meaningful relationship, it is not. This is not how good relationships start.

I think there are blurred lines here and my view is he certainly took advantage of you. Personally I wouldn’t go as far as the police. But to enable you to stay in control of how you feel here you need to be the one directing what happens next. Which is why you need to close off contact, partly so that you are not tempted to meet up with him again.

You haven’t done anything wrong. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Try to focus on something else and in a few days you will be able to put him out of your mind.

Original poster
Notsure4 · 06/06/2020 00:24

I don’t think he thinks he’s done anything wrong.

And to be brutally honest I feel like I was willing to overlook what he did if he wanted a relationship with me.

Now I feel guilty that maybe I’m only thinking of this because it’s apparent he doesn’t, when I was willing to overlook it before.

He filled me full of future promises before (and immediately after) that I stupidly told my family about, not admitting to what happened because I wanted him to seem like a good guy.

Now I feel guilty because maybe I’m just thinking these things because he doesn’t want me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsure4 · 06/06/2020 00:25

To clarify I definitely won’t be going to the police, I think the lines are far too blurred.

Thank you to all that have commented though Flowers

OP posts:
TheMurk · 06/06/2020 00:29

You are taking this as a personal rejection.

It’s likely he’s embarrassed by his own behaviour and knows he’s ruined any chance of a normal start to a longer term relationship.

Don’t take it personally. If you wanted more and it’s not forthcoming then you need to chalk it down to experience and move on.

The way you describe it it all sounds very awkward and not all that pleasant an experience, so why are you wanting to pursue it?

Original poster
Notsure4 · 06/06/2020 00:32

I definitely don’t want a relationship with him anymore.

I’m just trying to work our in my own head whether what he did was wrong or whether I gave in too easily.

Sorry if that sounds over simplified but I have ASD and I mentally need to sort things into boxes Sad

OP posts:
AlCalavicci · 06/06/2020 00:36

He has take advantage of you good nature and forced you to do things you did not want to . this is abuse .
If he had told you to pick up a knife and stab your own hand because he wanted you to do it would you of agreed ?
Anybody that make anyone else do something they are not happy with are at best been mean at worst been abusive and dangerous.

Please stop all contact with him and if you can change your phone number & email address .
Can you talk to someone IRL or a support group

Original poster
Notsure4 · 06/06/2020 01:10

Part of me wants to message him and say what you did is not ok. I know I pretended to go along with it but I told you no enough times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notsure4 · 06/06/2020 09:01

I’ve woken up this morning feeling so stupid Sad

OP posts:
LoungeLizardLhama · 06/06/2020 09:10

Poor you op, you have done nothing at all wrong but this horrible man has taken advantage and sexually assaulted you and he probably knows exactly that. This is my problem with ‘Be Kind’ I think it’s always women that are kind and let people push us into things we’d rather not do for fear of offending or upsetting someone else. It’s typical of the way I behaved as a girl and young woman and typical of the way men took advantage of me and many of my friends. Female socialisation is to put yourself and your feelings and comfort as a lower priority than others. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, what a horrible bastard he is Angry

Original poster
Notsure4 · 06/06/2020 09:15

Was it sexual assault? I really don’t know, I’m sure he wouldn’t see it like that.

I think the reason I feel so stupid is:

A) for not putting up more of a fight and therefore basically letting him do it, I’m confident if he’d tried to have full sex with me I would have put up a proper fight

B) for evidently having such low standards that for a while I was willing to put up with his behaviour and overlook it if he “liked” me

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 06/06/2020 09:45

I would not be ok if someone did this to my daughter. Would you?

Pinkchocolate · 06/06/2020 09:59

You told him to stop and he continued. You definitely did nothing wrong so please try and stop blaming yourself. You may sometimes struggle to read situations because of your ASD but you didn’t read this one wrong. How old are you OP? Most of us have been naive at some point in our lives and we’ve all accepted “not good enough”, but you can see it’s not good enough so learn from it. If you can’t confide in friends/family then would you speak to a professional?

whatyouwalkingbout · 06/06/2020 10:02

A) Yes, it's sexual assault. You said no, kept saying no, he didn't accept your no and he coerced you into doing it. Current understanding of sexual assault takes his pressure into account and accepts that women giving in under pressure is not consent.

B) You mention several times that he kept saying loveydovey things and future-faked you. Many women who are keen for a relationship let men do things they don't want if they say nice things. Women with ASD are, I think, likely to go along even more with this because we take words more literally than most and find it hard when people's words and actions don't match, even if they are good at reading situations/people otherwise. Being able to analyse the situation as a whole, words and deeds together, and deciding whether a person is just saying stuff to get you to do something is something that you can work on.

He's a bastard, not a good one.

whatyouwalkingbout · 06/06/2020 10:11

*we are good at

FlowerArranger · 06/06/2020 10:16

I’m just trying to work our in my own head whether what he did was wrong or whether I gave in too easily.

This will help you figure it out: The The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Barden