I need someone to tell me if I’m being silly

[Notsure4]

A few weeks ago I met a man on a dating site, he seemed very nice and we met up for a “social distancing” date a few weeks ago, all very civilised.

Two weeks ago I went on another date with him and made the mistake of inviting him back to my house (I was drunk and I know it was wrong because of covid). We had several more drinks (I was pretty wasted and I’m sure he was too) and he put the moves on me pretty heavily.

I’d made it clear to him beforehand that I didn’t want to sleep with him and he didn’t push that but he was persistent in trying to “finger” me, I can remember pushing him off several times and pushing his hand away but he kept trying and in the end I just sort of let him, until he decided he’d had enough.

I don’t really remember what happened next but I woke up in bed with him (I’m 90% sure we didn’t have sex) and he was being all lovey dovey with me whilst frankly I was horrified. I was fully dressed and he was naked and he kept guiding my hand to his penis and making me rub it, I kept pulling my hand away but he was persistent and to my shame I basically ended up wanking him off so he’d leave me alone.

Afterwards he was nice to me and stayed for a while and then suggested we “went back to bed for a cuddle” where he pushed my hand down repeatedly again despite me saying I didn’t want to. I ended up wanking him off again because I just wanted him to stop it. He then hugged me and left.

He described himself as “forward” and I thought maybe I’m just being naive (I have ASD and thought I’d read the situation wrong). He’s hardly spoken to me since and it’s got me wondering did he just see me as an easy target?

But then also I’ve continued to text him after this so I’m obviously ok with his behaviour on some level.

I have NC for this and sorry for such a deep post on a Friday night but hoping someone can help me make sense of it.

This sort of thing happened to me once. I invited a guy back, made it clear nothing would happen but once at mine he came on very heavily. Said I had to sleep with him as I’d implied I would by inviting him to mine...despite me telling him I didn’t want to. I ended up just letting him. I didn’t want to but I was scared what he would do if I didn’t. I felt and still feel incredibly violated by what happened but I’ve struggled with the shame and guilt that I wasn’t stronger in telling him “no” for years. Please stop texting him, tell him that you don’t think what he did was ok if you want to but then block him as he’ll only twist things to make you feel like this was your fault and it absolutely wasn’t. He coerced you. I think it might be a good idea to get some real life support too, there are helplines you can call to talk about what happened to you. Maybe start with the Samaritans? Hope you’re ok, this was a horrible thing to happen

Thanks everyone for being so kind to me.

Having ASD is rubbish in these situations as I feel like it makes me have the naivety of a child and I’m very easily led. Something I definitely need to work on.

Lots of women have these feelings after sexual assault; it's normal to be confused. I can imagine having ASD only makes it more difficult.

The baseline is enthusiastic consent, which you didn't give. What he did to you was wrong.

I think it might be a good idea to give your local Rape Crisis Centre a call. They will help you to talk through what happened, decide if you want to press charges and work out what follow up support you might want. I'm worried that you are only 90% sure that nothing else happened. It might not be a terrible idea to get a sexual health check-up, and make sure you aren't pregnant.

There's no shame on you, all the shame is his.

The nativity of a child and being led sound so familiar. I'm still not great at handling these kinds of situations in an assertive way, but at least I've learned that I do go along with things I don't agree with if the other person is forceful and that it's not okay for them to do that. The first step was to learn that when I'm confused about a person's motivations it usually means they're lying or being manipulative. If actions and words match up I have no trouble understanding what they want or what kind of person they are. This might be different for you, but maybe it helps?

@whatyouwalkingabout thank you

Yes it’s so hard isn’t it. I’m very easily led unfortunately and now I’m worried I’m going to end up getting myself in this situation again and I’m not really sure how to avoid it!

It took me years in therapy after having children with a very unsuitable man to truly internalize that my voice, my perception of the world and my well-being matter. I guess so many of us are told that we're seeing or feeling things 'wrong' that we get trained out of trusting ourselves.

So my first suggestion would be to stop wondering if you were silly. He did things you didn't want and that you explicitly said you didn't want. He didn't take no for an answer and kept pushing you. You have every right to be upset about that. Trust your feelings, don't second guess them.