Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Having kids when you’ve never wanted them

47 replies

Pootiepie · 04/06/2020 07:02

Curious to know if anyone has got pregnant accidentally and had the baby, despite never having wanted kids. How did it work out? Do you regret it/resent them or feel it was the best thing to have happened? Did you develop maternal feelings? Would love to hear your stories.

OP posts:
Spikeypineapples · 04/06/2020 07:28

Why are you curious to know this?

MittensTheSerpent · 04/06/2020 07:30

Is this for an article you're writing? Which newspaper/magazine?

heartonastring · 04/06/2020 07:33

Weird

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Original poster
Pootiepie · 04/06/2020 07:51

I’m in this situation myself and wondering what to do. I had hoped it would be helpful to hear stories about how this worked out for other people.

OP posts:
Baboomtsk · 04/06/2020 07:52

Hi OP, please ignore the rudeness of previous posters. I'm afraid I don't have the experience you're looking for but my feeling is that it is better to regret not having kids than to regret having them. Hopefully someone will be along soon who can share their experiences though.

Original poster
Pootiepie · 04/06/2020 07:53

Thanks @Baboomtsk I appreciate your kind reply and your insight.

OP posts:
Sparklingplasters · 04/06/2020 08:06

My friend, age 47, never wanted DC. Fell pregnant, never expected to stay pregnant due to age and had a beautiful, healthy baby. Very happy

lynsey91 · 04/06/2020 08:15

I know 3 women who never wanted children but accidentally got pregnant. Turned out well for 2 of the women but the other never liked being a mum. All the children are grown up now.

I also know a woman who was adamant she didn't want children but her husband kept on and on that he did. She had a baby in the end and hated being a mum. They split up and he had the child

madcatladyforever · 04/06/2020 08:18

I'm not going into it but if you are pregnant and don't want a child then don't have it. A child needs to be really wanted not just looked after because the parents have to.

Spikeypineapples · 04/06/2020 08:46

Sorry OP. You did sound very jouralisty there. I've no experience on your situation but hope you get some good advice. Flowers

pitterpatterrain · 04/06/2020 08:49

Children are tough at the best of times and put pressure on you and your relationship

If you don’t go into that with a spark of interest or enthusiasm I can see how it would feel like an immensely long slog and not be ideal on the side of the parent or child

BillywigSting · 04/06/2020 08:59

I never wanted children, was on the pill and fell pregnant.

Sobbed like I'd been given a life sentence for a few days.

Spoke to dp about it. He was incredibly supportive.

Ds is 6 now and the absolute light of my life. I don't regret him one bit.

I won't lie it took some major adjustment, and I think could very easily have triggered anti natal depression or pnd, and if I could choose a childfree life with no knowledge of my current life, I quite possibly could.

I had a fair few wobbles during pregnancy thinking wtf have I done, I don't want a baby, I want to stay free.

But my life is not over just different. I had a few years when he was very young where I felt like my freedom was severely limited and I struggled with that, but the older he gets the more he becomes my little partner in crime.

I lost a few friends when I had him too because I stopped drinking and partying, and going for late night dinner and cocktails, but the couple who stuck around are worth their weight in gold and like an aunt and uncle to dc.

All of that being said, I had a baby I wasn't sure I wanted but it's not something I would recommend. If it doesn't turn out well like it did for the consequences could be dire for everyone involved.

NietzschePeachPearPlum · 04/06/2020 09:04

I was in this position. Never had a maternal bone in my body, but got pregnant with a really nice man whom I loved and he had a good job (I was still studying). I felt I didn’t have a good enough reason not to go through with it. It was all very weird and unreal: I’d never even held a baby before.

But then wham! When DC1 was born the rush of love was amazing! So much so that I happily went on to have several more DC and am now the very epitome of maternal!

I think it unlikely you won’t feel the same, OP, it’s a hard feeling to resist.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

pinkyredrose · 04/06/2020 09:07

Why have a baby that you don't want? Bit of a risk isn't it.

TakemetoGreeceplease · 04/06/2020 09:08

Happened to me aged 35. Went ahead with pregnancy, 12 years down the line no regrets. Cliche I know but it changed my life for the better and I cannot imagine not having my ds now, he definitely enriched my life no end and still does.

SuperficialSuzie · 04/06/2020 09:11

I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant, having never felt particularly maternal and my husband wasn't bothered about having children. We had just stretched ourselves to buy a house and both had recent promotions to stressful jobs and none of our social circle had children, so even if we had actively wanted to have children the timing was dreadful.

But whilst it was a shock, it was the best thing to happen to us, and we managed fine.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do OP

Love51 · 04/06/2020 09:21

I know someone who never wanted children who feel pregnant at uni. She took a year out then completed her degree. Her partner was a sahd by day and worked evenings.
She later went on to get married to someone else and have more babies. The dad did a lot of the raising of the first child. The child is now an adult and although I'm not still in touch, by all accounts is a competent decent human being. Her parents had very little family support, but the protective factor for that child was her dad being there in an emotional way while her mum earned the money!

Enb76 · 04/06/2020 09:42

I found out I was 23 weeks pregnant when I was 31. I was on the edge of abortion and backed away so there was a point at which I specifically made the decision to have the child and I think that helped, if i had been over the 24 week period I think having the choice taken away from me would have been an issue.

11 years on and my child is the best thing that ever happened to me. It took me about 3 months to 'love' my child. At the beginning she was very much something I had to look after.

I would have been fine remaining childless, it would just be a different life. Not better or worse, just different.

Herecomethehotstepper · 04/06/2020 09:45

I never wanted children. Fell pregnant at 30 while on the pill and using condoms with a guy I had been seeing for 5 months.

I wanted an abortion, but at the last minute couldn't go through with it. Had DD and struggled along for a year then decided to have another one as ex DP has no family. I have only my elderly father so Dd would be completely alone once me and ex DP died. Ds came along and me and ex DP split after a year. Dc are 5 and 3 now, and I couldn't imagine a world without them. Its been a struggle, ex DP is useless and has mental health/addiction issues. He's not violent or aggressive, just a big child that seeks out women to rescue him.

Me and the dc are a little team. I'm studying and working every day to build a better life for us (although lockdown has destroyed all my progress so far!) I don't regret ever having them, but I will definitely advise them to get their careers sorted out before having their own dc!

AgeLikeWine · 04/06/2020 09:47

It is better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.

I agree completely. You can’t send them back to Amazon, or rehome them like a pet, so it’s a really, really bad idea to have children unless you are absolutely 110% sure you want them.

Pr1mus · 04/06/2020 09:53

I did! Funnily enough a few weeks before I found out I was pregnant I was sat in the pub telling my friend how much I didn't want kids however now i regret nothing! I love my little boy with all my heart and I'm glad I went through with it. I'm probably the least mumsy mum ever but I think I'm a good mum, the maternal instincts come naturally!

fandajji · 04/06/2020 10:08

Never wanted them, I now have 3! First want planned, pregnant with the implant, 2nd was planned, 3rd was a failed IUD. I did go through a little baby regret through the sleepless, teething nights with each of them. I'm not sure if that's very common? But I do love all of them and can't imagine a day without them. I don't want more and have a hysterectomy booked. People wouldn't call me maternal but know I would die for my children, and I also still don't like other little children very much!

You'll love the baby once it's here, but I don't think I would have regretted an abortion if I hadn't have known my children.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 04/06/2020 10:18

Thing is, everyone saying they don't regret their child now is thinking of their child - the one they have nurtured and loved and seen grow over months and years. And it is definitely taboo to say you regret that.

That's not the same as talking in the abstract of "will I regret having a baby if I have never wanted one" question which is the situation OP is in.

If you proceed with an accidental pregnancy, then I'm sure you will love the child and keep them safe and well (and hormones will undoubtedly play a part in that). But that is different to actively saying you want a baby and to be a mother and trying to get pregnant.

Both paths in life are valid and whatever you choose should be right for you and you alone. Not right for "society" or "what other people might think" etc.

NekoShiro · 04/06/2020 10:24

My mum didn't want kids, my dad wanted 3, I am the only child compromise, I don't have a close relationship with my mum and I do think this is because she more put up with me, I'm not saying she was awful just it wasn't a house full and brimming with love, it was my mum sat reading by herself, my dad playing video games by himself and I'd be sat on the pc for like 6-12 hours a day, I'm alright, my parents are divorced, but if it's not something your super enthusiastic about why do it?

If you don't want children, don't put your children through that.

lynsey91 · 04/06/2020 10:47

@fandajji you don't know that the OP will "love the baby once its here". She may not.

Lots of women regret having children so let's stop pretending it doesn't happen.

Even women that want children can regret them so if someone doesn't want them they should not be having them. I agree better to regret not having children than regret having them.

I would also add that of all the childfree by choice women I know, including myself, none regret their decision. Lots of the friends with children do regret their decision and say if they could go back in time they would not have any.