Having kids when you’ve never wanted them

[Pootiepie]

Curious to know if anyone has got pregnant accidentally and had the baby, despite never having wanted kids. How did it work out? Do you regret it/resent them or feel it was the best thing to have happened? Did you develop maternal feelings? Would love to hear your stories.

I'm always interested in these types of threads too. Mid 30s here and my DH wants kids and I don't. I feel sad about not having a family when I'm my parents age, but I don't think having a child would make me happier.

When people post about not ever wanting kids and then having them and it being the best thing they ever did, it makes me feel so conflicted.

lynsey that's a fair point. It's likely, but definitely not certain. A silly generalisation based on my own experiences.

Think about your life OP, a child is often a massive disruption in terms of career, socialising, freedom etc. I wasn't a massive fan of socialising, had a child friendly career and have a very small circle of close friends who all had children. Children fit into my life fairly smoothly and this may not be the same for you.

plummy I love my children dearly, however it wasn't the best thing I did for myself in many areas of my life and I was very close to death in my last pregnancy.

I now have this life and I honestly love it. However an alternative life with different choices would have been equally as valuable and right for me.

@fandajji thanks - I think that's how I think about it. I'm fairly sure that I would be an ok mum and would love any children I might have, but not sure it would actually be a better life for me. It is hard to be the one not to conform though.

One thing I would say, OP, is that once you have children it isn't really a question of whether you feel you want them or not.

By that point you are COMMITTED to making them feel they were the most wanted child in the universe and that commitment lasts a lifetime. Children need that. They need it when they are tiny, they need it (heaven knows!) when they are great big awkward teenagers, and they still need it when they are 50- they'll even need it when you are dead and gone and they remember you.

It's not like a marriage where you can test your feelings and decide whether you are still in love. "In love" doesn't matter when it's your child, sitting down to interrogate your feeling or restricting yourself to what "feels right" isn't a luxury you have at that point. It's not about you.

If you have a child you need to take on that commitment: whatever your inward feelings may be at any one point, never to make them feel unwanted.

I hope it doesn't sound glib OP but other peoples experiences aren't going to help and not many people would admit, even to themselves potentially that they had a child and regret that, don't feel towards it as they should etc. It's quite a taboo and like all taboos is probably therefore more common than we think, sadly.

I don't think having a child hoping it will work when you know you lean towards not wanting one is a good gamble, and a sad way to gamble on a childs happiness, as well as your own.

How do you find yourself in this situation? Does your DP want a child but you dont?

I'd advise introspection about what you want with your life, and your own gut instincts, which are what matter. Or find a therapist and talk it over to rationalise things. Other peoples loves will never be your life.

Other peoples *lives, sigh

DDIJ I'm sorry you are having to go through that 💐

I never wanted children and never had any. Now approaching menopause and no regrets. Nearly all my friends have kids and they love them, but a few have admitted to me that if they had their time over again, they wouldn’t do it. I don’t think you should bring a child into the world unless you know you really, really want to, and are prepared to commit to this come what may. It can work out regardless, but the stakes are so high. It can lead to a life of misery for a child who becomes aware he or she was not really wanted.

@DDIJ I’m sorry, that’s so sad for you all.

Didn't happen to me but my friend never wanted kids, was never remotely maternal at all. Couldn't ever imagine kids in her future. She found out she was accidentally pregnant and took the news hard. Kept the baby because she couldn't bring herself not too but sobbed the whole way through. Went through the motions, occasionally feeling little glimmers of excitement but it didn't last long she was full of dread and that was the overwhelming emotion.
I think she shocked herself at how maternal she was when baby was born. She adores her child and could not imagine life without them. I had no doubt she'd make an amazing mother although she did, I'm so glad she slipped into it all naturally.

I'm sure this isn't the case for all though.

I really appreciate everyone’s viewpoints and honesty. Thank you.

@DDIJ so sorry this is your experience.

@corythatwas I have always felt that if I did decide to go for it, it would have to be 100% all in otherwise it just wouldn’t be fair on anyone. Your words really resonate.

@dontgobaconmyheart I am accidentally pregnant in my 40s and neither of us has ever wanted children. However we’re finding it hard to make a decision not to proceed which is why I was hoping for some other perspectives. Of course as you say, others’ experiences don’t mean that’s what my experience would be.

Thank you again to everyone for commenting.

A slightly different perspective here. I was accidentially pregnant with my husband of 8 years. I really did not feel ready for a baby however my husband was really keen and I felt I would loose him if I did not go ahead so after councilling I decided against an abortion.

After the first trimester I felt a lot happier with my decision and was really happy after meeting my LO. However about 3 weeks after birth things started to downhill. My DS was really unsettled all the time, I could not go to any baby groups because he was always crying and I felt really isolated. At about 8 months I realised he was not developing like other babies and missing all his milestones. I tried reaching out to medical professionals but they dismissed all my concerns. At 2.5 years he was diagnosed with autism and at 4 years with a genetic condition that it turned out caused the autism. He is now 9 years old with limited speech and will never be independent.

I love my son very much and try to be a good mum to him but yes honestly I do regret having him. It feels like a life sentance to me at times made worse by the fact that I am a carrier of the genetic condition and feel added guilt for this. My DH however still feels we made the right decision and has no regrets.

If you are in your 40s I think you need to also consider how you would feel taking care of a disabled child as rates of complications are much higher.

My friend got pregnant accidentally a d spent the whole pregnancy telling everyone how much she was dreading it. Then the baby came and she adored being a mum. She married the dad and had 2 more kids and is very happy.

My mum didn’t want kids. She told me a few years ago that she only had us so my dad wouldn’t leave her because kids were a dealbreaker for him.

She doesn’t have a maternal bone in her body. Most of the childcare fell to her and her career took a massive backslide, only advancing when DB was a teenager (I’m a few years older). She massively resented everything she gave up for us and she has never forgiven my dad for turning down a well-paid job when I was little, as it would have taken him away from me for most of the week.

She is a textbook narcissist though, so that doesn’t help. We have a strained relationship because she’s so fucking entitled and believes the world owes her something.

@Daphie456 this sounds really difficult and I appreciate your honesty. You’re right, we have considered the likelihood of complications and it’s a big concern.

@amusedbush sorry to hear your experience. I do feel that if we decided to go ahead then I would never want the child to feel they hadn’t been wanted or for us to feel resentful. Based on all the different experiences here though it’s impossible to know how things would work out.

From what you've written I think you will regret it terribly not to go ahead with it.

From what you've written I think you will regret it terribly not to go ahead with it.

I would have said the complete opposite.

I hope OP makes the right decision for her, not the one we're projecting for her.

Not quite what you were asking, but I think many people who always found other people’s children boring, irritating or frankly just a PITA (possibly quite justifiably!) very often feel quite differently about their own.

Having said that, I don’t think anyone who really doesn’t want them, shouldn’t have them. All babies deserve to be wanted and loved and it’s dreadfully sad when they’re not.

should have them, of course.

Yep had bad antenatal depression throughout the pregnancy. My lovely DH really wanted children but kept asking if I'd like an abortion as I was finding it so tough. On the way into hospital for have DD I was in tears, telling DH that I didn't want a baby. The moment I had her in my arms I loved her fiercely and didn't let her go for hours. I still find it odd to think of myself as a mum when talking to others (especially the dreaded "oh it's LittleFluff's mummy" - I HAVE A NAME!) but I adore my life now with DD and am even considering having more.