Can't stop thinking about lack of skin to skin

[AnnaMarie123]

I've got 4 month old twins and had a very difficult pregnancy. I never allowed myself to believe that I would get to take one baby home, never mind two, but thankfully I was blessed with two healthy babies. The birth was also very difficult and there was excessive blood loss during the c section. I remember very little of the first two days afterwards, other than people trying to keep me awake to breast feed (something I unfortunately wasn't able to crack). The thing is, apart from those attempts I never had any skin to skin time with the babies. I used to cradle them in my arms to cuddle them for the first two weeks, as I didn't really know how to hold them properly and was scared of hurting them. I remember a visitor putting them facing her chest and realising that I could cuddle them like that too.

Now I love my babies to pieces, I absolutely adore them. But four months later I still feel like they belong to my sister or a friend, and I'm just looking after them temporarily
I feel that this is because I never had much skin to skin time with them and was unable to breastfeed. I was in hospital for 10 days, but after day 2 received very little support and feel like I was only there so they could keep checking our obs etc.

Is it too late to have lots of skin to skin time now? I'm worried that my babies won't love me or feel like I'm their mummy. I feel like I've let them down already

Of course they love you and know you are their mummy. It's not that important as people make out. Just something else to stress about . Lots of people don't get skin to skin for all different reasons. You will be doing a wonderful job and your babies love you. Have skin to skin now if it makes you feel better but stop beating yourself up about it. Your doing a great job. I can't imagine twins !

I didn't really have any skin to skin either (and BF also didn't work out for me). I definitely felt that I was just babysitting for the first few months but now that I'm 9 months down the line, things are much better. Could you have PND, especially after such a traumatic pregnancy and birth? Congratulations on your beautiful babies

I had a stressful delivery with my first child and in hindsight I feel like I didn't bond with him at first. Have you been checked for post-natal depression? It's not too late to do skin-to-skin with your babies now, especially as the weather is warm. Why not give it a try, you don't have to both strip: leave the baby's nappy on and just take your shirt off, you can leave your bra on. That gives plenty of skin contact area and if you cuddle them while they're having their milk then they'll stay still for a while.

It's definitely not too late! Skin to skin contact is beneficial at all ages.

I am sorry you had such a tough time, I had a traumatic birth with ds1 followed by post birth complications. I didn't start skin to skin until ds1 was 3 months old for a variety of reasons, so it's not too late for you to try it today. Congratulations on your new babies, this is a brand new journey and you will learn daily about how to enjoy them but try not focus on things you could have done but didn't, clearly you weren't well and that wasn't your fault so don't get hung up on having not done skin to skin previously

Gosh o can remember saying the same about my first child. I felt like I was looking after him for someone else for ages. Used to say I felt like the Nanny. I have bo idea why I felt that way as I did get to breast feed him and did get skin to skin etc.

I can only think it’s hormones and perhaps a little PND?

I had lots of skin to skin with my first baby and still remember that feeling of her not being mine and just looking after her for someone else. I think that's a common feeling and is unrelated to the skin to skin/ your circumstances. I have also heard it mentioned as a common sign of pnd (which I had) so I would keep an eye on that and maybe talk to a HV or GP if you continue to feel this way.

Fwiw it sounds like you're doing an amazing job.

Skin to skin won't have made any difference and they 100% know you're their mummy.
If you are feeling a bit disconnected there are things you can do. Baby massage, yes skin to skin, take a bath together, co sleep (for naps maybe) and make sure you have help so that you can enjoy them without feeling too stressed.
You're doing great!

Do it.

I felt like DC1 wasn't mine until 8 weeks in. I was terrified of him at first and felt like I was going through the motions. Skin to skin was scary at first because he was so small and delicate. But did help massively for me to start feeling a bond.

Congratulations. You will get there.

Have a wee chat with your GP - we have one at our practice who does all the newborn and new mum checks so she is very sympathetic. You've been through a lot and having the babies allows you very little breathing time to let your head sort itself. I got skin to skin with my first but didn't have that instant bond but my husband did. With my second I didn't get skin to skin, baby had a pneumothorax and I had sepsis. I only saw him once briefly in his first 24 hours but I had that instant bond. However it took my husband a few months. He got there it just took us talking with no pressure or judgement and time. It's perfectly normal and okay, especially with two at once and in the current weird circumstances for things not to be 100%. Please talk to someone and feel no shame.

I have 10 month old twins. I had quite a traumatic birth and a c section. I didn’t get skin to skin at all when they were born and only got to see them about 8/9 hours after they were born. It really upset me for a long time. I felt like I couldn’t associate the two babies I had been carrying with the two babies that were essentially handed to me the next day. We did some skin to skin when we got home but I felt as you did for a long time. I struggled and I am currently taking antidepressants. Saying that, things are a lot better. My two are my world and I know they love me unconditionally, as I do them. I can absolutely guarantee that to your two you are their world. Hang on in there and please don’t hesitate to speak to your gp if you are struggling. I did some therapy sessions with the perinatal mental health team and it really helped.

Not an unusual feeling at all, especially with first babies. It is such a surreal experience ib so many ways. I felt similar with mine and in hindsight I also had hallmarks of pnd that wasn’t picked up. Can you discuss with your health visitor? With that said I also think we are perhaps so aware of pnd now that we almost introspect too much about how we are bonding. Not sure if that makes sense?? I remember endlessly asking myself with my first ‘am I bonded enough to him’, ‘do I love him like he’s mine or a nephew’ etc etc. With my second I was simply too busy to ask myself that, and I think there is something to be said for just letting it be what it is without labelling it.

Skin to skin is beneficial at any age and I would try to get your partner to help so that you could maybe take each baby at a time and have a bath with them, wrap yourself in a big towel afterwards and just cuddle for a period. And also try some baby massage which is great for bonding and stimulating oxytocin.

Oh love you've been through a real challenge and now it's ok to relax and enjoy. Of course it's not too late!! Every new moment is a new chance with babies (and for yourself). Your babies are yours ... they came from you. You made them. They pretty much are you.

And yes, yes: it is weird to have two wriggling babies that are made by and of you. To have a separate physical expression of yourself. But that's what they are. That's WHO they are.

One day you will remember their little faces and see in them the grown adults they have become. But now they are tiny people whose whole world is you. I know it's hard to get your head around. Just accept this feeling is new and strange, but you will get used to it!! You are feeling your way too.

Skin to skin sounds so sort of technical ... what we are really talking about is that warm, lovely feeling of natural closeness with another body. In this case, two little wrigglers who just love the scent and presence of you, and will be in seventh heaven to get the full experience by snuggling up to you with no barriers. This joy is just there for the taking - right now, and any time you like.

Take it easy, and in your own time. Just maybe when they are in their nappies and nothing else, lie with one or the other and stroke their lovely skin and feel the warmth of them. Let them lie close to you and just get to know them.

Maybe one at a time will be easier! But remember there is no rush. Take one little hand and place it on your breast. No feeding needed. This is still you and they will still love to be close to you. They love you. Let them show you.

I'm sorry, because it can be a bit of a struggle coming to terms with such a huge new chapter of your life. But you really will get there. Be gentle with yourself and remember your babies will always be gentle with you, and are very easy to please. Try just stroking the backs of their little hands, their velvety arms and legs, and you'll see how happy they are. And talk to them. Look into their eyes. They are yours. Well done! The really hard bit is behind you. So now just come down and have a look who's lying next to you. 💐

I bonded with my first immediately.

With my second I had a difficult birth. They placed him on my abdomen and told me to take him. I was exhausted and shaking and just said no I can't. So they took him off for a clean and to get dressed and I just lay there and cried. It took me 3 months to bond with him.

I still feel guilty 6 years later for how I "rejected" him. But we adore each other so its just silly. I still feel guilty though!

Definitely not too late for skin to skin. My DC are 6 and 8 and still love hugs with as much skin touching as possible.

Having twins is tough.I felt I missed out on a lot of the normal baby things you see, long cuddles without interruption, focussed attention, I was tired as they were on different feeding regimes as they were different sizes.

One on one time has been huge over the years. Mine are 13 now but still value some focussed attention, even a walk on their own with me without their twin. What PP suggest about a bath sounds perfect and to talk to health visitors if possible at the moment, they were my best source of support in the early months.

My hospital stay was a blur as well and definitely didn’t set things up for a smooth start. I had an elective section but lost a lot of blood later that night and needed more surgery. Once that had passed the majority of staff were only interested in establishing breastfeeding, which wasn’t easy after losing so much blood. It didn’t leave me feeling equipped in any way, shape or form when I left hospital.

I felt exactly the same (traumatic birth, failure to breast feed etc.) and couldn't bring myself to do skin to skin. I didn't use my baby's name for months and just called her 'the baby'. She felt like someone else's for a long time and I did not associate her with the baby which grew inside me for 9 months. I did have PND and was medicated. Going back to work after 3 months saved me.

Lockdown turned out to be a blessing in disguise. It's been a second chance to bond now she's older. At 10 months I can now say I love my baby and feel like she is mine. I still can't look at photos of the early days (too upsetting) but it's so much better than it was.

Our bond has not been affected by lack of skin to skin or bf. She obviously loves me and we have a great attachment. Keep recognising your feelings and know they are not unusual. You will make peace with it in time. And if you want to do skin to skin now then go for it, but equally there's no pressure.

There's so much pressure on women to have a wonderful birth, to feel that initial rush of love when they meet their baby, to find breastfeeding natural and easy. It almost never happens like all that so a huge proportion of women feel like they've somehow "failed".

You haven't let your babies down in any way. I take my hat off to anyone who can cope with twins, I found it hard enough with one! It sounds like you're doing a great job.

I didn't get any skin to skin with my eldest as I had a PPH and had to go straight to theatre. I was disappointed at the time, but four years on so much else has happened that it barely registers. It's such a small part of our journey together. I didn't feel that initial bond with her (nothing to do with the lack of skin to skin, just the shock of becoming a parent I think!) but it came over time and now things are great.

You may have PND so it's worth a chat with your HV or GP, but I also think these feelings can just be a normal part of the transition to becoming a parent. Be kind to yourself and give it time.

I didn't really do skin to skin because I didn't want to keep taking my top off and was just happy cuddling. Echoing what others have said baby knows you're their mum and skin to skin isn't everything and neither is breastfeeding it doesn't mean you won't bond. Good luck x

I never allowed myself to believe that I would get to take one baby home, never mind two,

This sentence stood out to me. I think you unknowingly distanced yourself in pregnancy to protect yourself emotionally and mentally prepared yourself if things did go wrong. And know they're both here, it's hard to let go of that fear and truly believe they're here with you.

It sounds like you've had such a traumatic time and it might be worth talking through it all with someone. Processing it might be the key to moving on and letting go.

I don't think the breastfeeding or skin to skin has anything to do with it but you can certainly still do skin to skin! Have a bath with each of them. I loved that with mine. Seeing them float around in the bath while I cradled them gently was magical.

It will come. It's early days and twins are tough! Don't be afraid to ask for help though.

I could've written this myself. I'm a mum of twins! Huge congratulations. I have felt like this with my twins and sometimes I still do - they are 2. Try and spend time cuddling one baby then the other. It's difficult with twins as there is so much to do. I don't remember 2 days after they were born either! Aw, I just want to help you, I know how you feel. You're doing great.

I had three babies and never did 'skin to skin' with any of them. It wasn't a thing then, and people still managed to bond with their babies perfectly fine. I would try not to worry about it.

I totally understand this. My DS is 12 weeks now but the first 8 I really struggled to bond. I adored him in theory but just didn’t feel like he was ‘mine’.

My pregnancy and birth were crap. Pregnancy was very complicated and unpleasant, birth was straight forward but long and sleep deprived. I too recieved basically no support in the hospital. I couldn’t walk or move freely due to epidural and was just left with DS and DH. We were terrified to pick him up and I just remember crying so much and feeling so faint. I was discharged within 24 hours.

It’s NOT too late!
Best advice I received (from another mum) was to take baths with DS as soon as he was old and big enough. I started doing this around week 8 and it has made such a big difference. Skin to skin cuddles in a nice warm relaxing environment.
I find it easier to have DH there too so he can take DS off and dry/dress him whilst I get myself out. Not sure if this is an option for you but with twins I’d say you need another person on hand. You might need to alternate bathing with them, I couldn’t manage two of DS in the bath.

I'm an adoptive mum and had no skin to skin with my son until he was 13 months old. Even then it was minimal.

It's important but not that important.

@ponchek beautifully said